


Ignite the Stars

by ieatboyss



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Related, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Reader-Insert, Redeemed Ben Solo, Slow Burn, Soul Bond, Touch-Starved, Virgin Ben Solo, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-02-19 02:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 166,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22870699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ieatboyss/pseuds/ieatboyss
Summary: Sensing how strong you are with the Force, the Supreme Leader sends Kylo Ren to retrieve you and bring you back to him. Too well known throughout the galaxy, Kylo knows he can't go after you without being recognized. Resurrecting the boy he once was, he sets out to find you, not as Kylo Ren but as Ben Solo. The mission doesn't go as planned when he finds himself irrevocably drawn to you.Kylo Ren/Ben is torn between the light and the dark more than ever before.His family thinks you're the only one that can bring him back to the light and you'll be damned if you let them down.***No use of (Y/N)***Now on Wattpad:https://my.w.tt/CCr6zTJPF7
Relationships: Ben Solo & You, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & You, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 236
Kudos: 455





	1. Resurrection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain Resistance pilot tracks you down and turns your life upside down. A certain lost boy thinks he has a good plan but as usual, he doesn't think it through very well.

* * *

* * *

* * *

_The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins_   
_but in the heart of its strength lies weakness:_   
_one lone candle is enough to hold it back_   
_Love is more than a candle._   
_Love can ignite the stars._   
  


_Matthew Stover - Revenge of the Sith  
  
_

* * *

Batuu isn’t a popular hangout for law-abiding citizens. If someone is on Batuu, it's for a reason, and that reason usually isn’t a legal one. The focal point of the planet is the smuggler's haven, Black Spire Outpost. This is why you're currently here, sitting in Oga’s Cantina, waiting for a job opportunity to present itself. Unfortunately, that means you have plenty of time to look around at the various ruffians you surround yourself with and contemplate how you became one yourself.

* * *

Some may say the last five years have been tough on you, but you don't completely agree, not when you compare them to the rest of your life anyway. Personally, you think you've done pretty damn well on your own for someone who's been on the run since you were fifteen. Technically you had some help at first, but you don't attribute your survival skills to that.

For as long as you can remember, you've been alone in one way or another. You aren’t sure what happened to your parents, only that when you were six they left one day and never returned. You remember begging them to take you with them, then watching them leave when they didn't. When you were younger and trying to sleep, you'd replay what happened, hoping to remember _something_ that would at least tell you why they left you behind.

The only thing you can remember is a man's voice saying, “I’ll come back for you, sweetheart, I promise.” You assumed it was your father's voice because. For the longest time, you believed your parents would eventually come back for you. Being on your own meant you had to grow up quickly to survive, and growing up meant being realistic. You knew they were probably dead somewhere. Even if they weren't, they weren't coming back for you. What happened to them and who they were didn’t matter to you anymore. At first, you would tell yourself that to make yourself feel better, but now it's true. You're genuinely okay being an orphan and a ‘nobody.’

After your parents left, you wandered around your empty house for a few days. It didn’t take long for someone to notice you were alone. For a few years, you stayed with the nice couple that had found you, Amee and Caben. They had always wanted a child of their own but couldn’t conceive and were rather thrilled to have found you. Caben fixed ships for credits, but he really enjoyed building various things like droids and speeders from scratch. The work he did fascinated you. You were like his shadow the moment they took you in and tried to learn as much as you could from him.

One day, Caben asked you to go to the nearest outpost and pick up a part he needed for the speeder the two of you were working on. When you returned, both Caben and Amee were dead, and their house was on fire. You grabbed the few belongings you had that weren't destroyed and left. Once again, you were on your own, but this time it was for a lot longer than before. That all changed when Luke Skywalker found you and, in turn, changed your life forever. 

* * *

Shortly after turning fifteen, you managed to agree with a spice-runner you had accidentally run into. You agreed to help him fix his ship in exchange for food and a place to sleep. While working on his ship, an older man in tan robes approached you, claiming to be Luke Skywalker.

You had heard of the 'Legendary Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, ' of course. Everyone had heard of him, but not everyone believed he actually existed. You were one of those people. Everyone knew he was a 'Jedi,' but you didn't know much about the Jedi or the Force in general. Again, all of it sounded like a bedtime story you tell a frightened kid to lull them to sleep. Having no proof of his identity or that the Force was real, you called him a liar to his face.

Instead of being offended by your accusation, he laughed and lifted his hands in the air. As his hands rose, so did the ship you were standing under. After witnessing a man levitate a ship with a flick of his hand, it was hard to deny the existence of Luke Skywalker and the Force.

The longer you spoke to him, the more things made sense. For example, since you were younger, you had the ability to move things without touching them. You weren't very good at it, and you only practiced when you were sure no one was around, but you could still do it. Until meeting Luke, you had no idea you had been using the Force. There wasn't anyone around to tell you that.

He had started a new Jedi temple to train a new generation of Jedi. Part of you didn't want to go because you had no interest in being a Jedi. Trust wasn't something you gave easily, and the thought of trusting the man in front of you made you uneasy. Each time you trusted someone, they left you in one way or another. The other part of you simply wanted to go because you'd have a guaranteed safe place to sleep and a regular food source. As expected, the basic need to survive outweighed the other excuses you were making. Within the hour, you were on a small ship with Luke and traveling through hyperspace.

* * *

You were worried you’d be an outcast once arriving at the Jedi temple, but Luke assured you there were other teenagers your age with little to no experience with the Force like you. The two of you arrived in the middle of the night the following day.

After only an hour of being there, everything went to hell.

While explaining how things worked and where things were, Luke stopped mid-sentence and looked into the distance. You followed his gaze towards a small cluster of huts located not too far from where the two of you were standing.

“Luke?” you asked nervously.

Even though you hadn't known him very long, you knew what the look on his face meant. When you called his name, he turned his head to look at you. Even though it made you uncomfortable, you said nothing while he stared at you. The look on his face made it obvious something was bothering him, or something was wrong. When the silent stare was getting too much for you to handle, Luke finally spoke.

“I need you to do as I say,” he said hesitantly. You nodded in response but said nothing. “I need to take care of something. If I don’t handle it quickly, something terrible will happen. If _anything_ happens or you _feel_ like something is going to happen, you need to leave immediately.”

“What? But I just got here. I don’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t have any way off this planet!” You did your best to hide the panic you felt rising within you. “I don’t have credits or rations. Literally, the only thing I own is the clothes I'm wearing.”

“You’ll be fine. Take the shuttle we came in. I permit you to _borrow_ it if you need it.” Luke smirked and gestured towards the ship the two of you had arrived in.

“I’ve never flown before! I can’t just hop in and take off! I have no idea where to go!” 

“Sure you can. Trust the force. Always,” he said cryptically.

“Luke...I...I don’t like this. Something is...off. I-” 

“Look, kid, if I didn’t think you could handle yourself, I wouldn’t be telling you to leave. You’re powerful. There’s a power inside you that hasn’t awoken yet, but when it does," he trailed off. "There’s a reason the force brought me to you. I know we just met, but I need you to not only trust me, but trust your instincts, and trust the Force. Has it ever steered you wrong before?"

He placed his hands on your shoulders while maintaining eye contact with you. Normally something so personal would make you uncomfortable, but the look on his face was so determined and serious, it felt wrong not to trust him.

“No, it hasn’t,” you sighed.

“Exactly. There is a box in the shuttle. I need you to take what's inside it and keep it with you.”

“What’s in it?”

“Something that was meant for you. I don’t have time to explain, and I apologize for that.”

As if on cue, and because things are never easy whenever you're involved, it started to rain. What started as a light sprinkle quickly turned into a torrential downpour. 

“Down that corridor, third door on the right. That was going to be your room until you got settled in. You’ll find spare clothes and a satchel. Grab the bag, and the clothes, then head to the shuttle, okay? If I don’t come for you within an hour, leave. Leave before then if you need to. Do not wait for me,” he said with a stern look. 

“Okay,” you nodded and looked at the ground. Had you known you were going to be abandoned again, you probably wouldn’t have left with him, to begin with.

“See ya ‘round kid,” Luke said with a smirk as he ruffled your hair.

He turned and walked towards the small group of huts without a second glance in your direction. Even though the heavy rainfall made him impossible to see, you stood and watched him walk away.

A bright flash of lightning and deafening thunder reminded you to stop staring and follow the directions Luke had given you. Once you entered the room that would have been yours, you shoved the clean clothes into the satchel. Luke had already packed it full of rations and credits. To your surprise, there was even a blaster at the bottom of the bag. It was as if he knew something was going to happen and prepared for it. You put on the cowl that was folded neatly on the small bed against the wall, pulled the hood over your hair, and lifted the satchel strap over your head so it would lay across your chest. 

As you were about to leave the room, you heard a loud booming sound nearby. You had assumed it was thunder until the building around you began to shake as if it was on the verge of collapsing. Reflexively, you crouched and covered your head with your arms as parts of the building rained down on you. When you thought the worst was over, you crawled out of the room with only some minor cuts and bruises. It was still pouring outside, making it impossible to see further than a few feet in front of you. As you started to walk away from the temple, you noticed a body. The boy was obviously dead, but you checked for a pulse anyway. The sound of the temple finally collapsing followed a bright flash of lightning. The combination stole your attention away from the newest body you had just discovered. When you averted your eyes from the boy and looked towards the temple, you were surprised to see the remains of it were on fire, despite the heavy rain.

You hadn’t realized how far from the temple you had wandered until you glanced back at it. You had absentmindedly walked in the same direction Luke had gone in instead of heading in the direction of the ship. You found yourself standing near the remains of what had been the small cluster of huts you had seen when you arrived. Realizing how far you had strayed, you turned to make a run for it but stopped before taking another step. You had a feeling that at that exact moment, you needed to be right where you were, and you had no idea why. Running away was not the action you were supposed to take, at least not yet.

As you came to this realization, you sensed someone behind you. When you turned around, you could see the barely visible shape of a tall, lanky boy or man. Even with the random streaks of lightning overhead, the rain made it impossible to see anything but his silhouette. Your entire body was completely soaked, and the hood of your cowl stuck to your head like a second skin. There was no way he'd be able to see anything other than your silhouette as well. At least not from a distance.

The boy suddenly lifted his hand toward you, paralyzing you instantly. The complete inability to move terrified you. While he slowly closed the distance between you, you felt pressure in your temples as if he was digging his fingertips into them. Images of your past flashed behind your eyes at a rapid pace while you struggled to regain control of your body. Whatever he was doing to you was extremely painful, but the dread and terror consuming you overpowered the pain. At least it did until you heard a faint whisper in the back of your mind.

_"Trust the Force."_

The voice reminded you of what Luke had said. Even though you had no idea whose voice it was or how you heard it, you knew you could trust it. Closing your eyes, you forced yourself to control your breathing. Once you were relatively calm, you concentrated on the pressure in your temples. With a substantial amount of effort, you were able to force the boy out of your mind successfully. He stopped mid-step and lowered his hand slightly once you blocked him out of your mind and regained some control of your limbs. He lifted his hand back in your direction once the shock of what you had done wore off. There was a slight tingling sensation in your chest, and before you could realize what was happening, you were suddenly and violently pulled in his direction.

Fear didn't overwhelm you this time because you knew what to do. You lifted your hand in his direction, like he was doing, and focused on what you wanted. To your surprise, your body stopped hurtling towards him. After coming to a complete stop, you began to move in the opposite direction slowly. Your feet began to slide backward in the mud as you slowly push yourself away from the mysterious boy using the Force alone. The whole interaction was unlike anything you had ever experienced. The sensation in your body was weird, and so was the fact that you were seemingly being tossed around like a rag doll without any sort of physical contact.

The tingling sensation decreased but didn't stop completely. There was a slight tug in your chest as he continually tried to pull you towards him, but you were able to back away from him bit by bit. It was as if one end of an invisible rope was tied around your waist and the other was tied around his while the two of you played a life or death game of tug-of-war. You would take a step back, and he would take a step forward. He would take a step back, and you would take a step forward. Neither one of you were making any progress in either direction.

For some unknown reason, the boy faltered and took a step backward without pulling you with him. Once again, images flashed through your mind, but this time they weren’t your memories; they were his. The images flashed by so quickly that you couldn't understand what you were seeing, but you could feel his emotions—betrayal, abandonment, fear, and anger. So much anger it was almost suffocating. When the overwhelming sense of his emotions ceased, a low and threatening voice echoed in your head.

_“Come to me, my boy. I’ll teach you the ways of the force. I’ll show you the power of the dark side.”_

You gasped at the menacing voice and faltered. Afraid of being overpowered as exhaustion started to set in, you yelled and pushed back with as much effort as possible. In response, the boy did the same. Suddenly and without warning, the two of you were both blasted backward in opposite directions. Whatever had caused the two of you to be launched backward had thrown you in the direction of Luke's ship. The air had been painfully knocked out of you upon hitting the ground before you blacked out. When you came to, you rolled onto your side while groaning and slowly stood. 

You weren't sure how long you had been out for, but it was still raining, just not quite as hard. You glanced behind you, expecting to see the boy still standing in the same spot, but he was gone. Having no intention of waiting to see if he would come back, you ran to Luke's ship as fast as your sore legs would allow. You had no idea how you knew which controls were needed to start the ship or which controls were needed to travel through hyperspace, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that you got away from the boy and the ruins of the Jedi temple. 

* * *

Since that night, you've been smuggling and spice-running your way throughout the galaxy. It may not be an ideal career choice, but it's helped you earn enough to take care of yourself. Luke's ship, which was basically your home, all you needed was the essentials like food. He was right; you had everything you needed to make it on your own.

When hopping from planet to planet, you tend to overhear a lot of gossip. Many times what was said was some variation of the truth. So when multiple people on multiple planets continued to say the same things about the First Order, the galaxy's newest evil-doers, you listened. Unless you overheard information in passing, you never really knew what was going on in the galaxy, and you preferred it that way. What other people had gotten themselves into was none of your business. Your only concern was keeping yourself alive and out of trouble.

However, the First Order had become a popular topic of discussion. The more you heard about them, the more uncomfortable you were. For the last few years, the First Order has been hunting down and killing anyone with the ability to use the Force. Once you heard about their hunt, you cut yourself off from the Force completely. Thankfully it was the one thing Luke managed to teach you while on your way to his temple. It took you a while to get used to having that part of yourself locked away. At first, it felt like the air had been knocked out of you. The feeling was no longer as intense, but it was still there. It was like constantly being short of breath, and the only way you can fully inhale and exhale is to let the Force flow through you. The desire to live overpowered your need to breathe metaphorically. 

Your life has consisted of one illegal job to the next, avoiding bounty hunters for said illegal activities, and avoiding capture by the First Order. Occasionally you run into a man or two that think they can take advantage of you because you're a young girl alone in the galaxy. Usually, they don't make that mistake twice. Now and then, you run into a Resistance member, and they inevitably try to recruit you. Once or twice you heavily considered taking them up on their offer just for the companionship. You are tired of being alone. 

If you joined the Resistance, you would have to take orders from others, which you have never been good at. After being hounded one too many times, you came to Batuu to avoid all of it. The Resistance. The First Order. You wanted to be another nameless smuggler who was stopping at Oga's for a quick meal before moving on to the next planet. No one knew who you were, and you wanted to keep it that way.

At least you didn't think anyone knew who you were until the Resistance's top pilot entered the cantina and walked straight towards you.

* * *

“Have you felt it? A disturbance in the Force.”

“Yes, master, I have,” Kylo Ren said. As he spoke, he knelt in front of Snoke, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. The voice modulator in Kylo's mask helped disguise the unease in his voice.

“She is not like the others. She is powerful and has yet to realize it. As your power in the dark grows, so does her power in the light.”

“Her?”

“Yes, _her._ This will be your final test. What lies ahead will determine your fate. You will bring the girl to me, and she must come willingly. You cannot use brute strength and fear to capture this one. She is unaware of the power she possesses. We need her to choose the dark side willingly. Forcing her here will only lead her further towards the light. Do not fail me, Kylo Ren. Prove that I have not wasted my time on you. 

“I will not fail you, Master.”

* * *

“Is this seat taken?” The man approaching you askes with a smirk on his face. The type of smirk you're sure has panties dropping on the regular.

“Something tells me even if I say yes, you’re still going to sit down,” you sigh and lean back in your chair.

The man's smirk turns into a full-blown smile as he sits down in the chair across from you. Slowly, you pull your blaster out of your thigh holster and aim it in his direction under the table.

“I’m Poe Dameron, and you are?” he whispers and leans in closer to you.

“Bored. What do you want?”

You narrow your eyes at him suspiciously.

“Straight to the point. Not gonna lie, it’s a quality I find extremely attractive,” he says as he winks.

In a different situation, you might find Poe a little attractive and maybe even a little charming. Strictly in a ‘let’s make out but nothing more because it’s obvious you’ve had a lot of sex with many women’ type of way. Even though you have a feeling you can trust him, you're still suspicious. When he doesn't get to the point, you start tapping your fingers impatiently on the table.

“Okay. Let’s get to the point...” he pauses, then adds your name to the end of his sentence to prove a point. 

Sitting a bit straighter, you lean in closer to him and glance around the room. Underneath the table, your finger hovers over the blaster's trigger. “I don’t know who that is is, but it’s not me. You’ve got the wrong person.” You look away from him, not wanting your discomfort to be more evident than it already is. Despite what you do for a living, you're a horrible liar. 

“For a smuggler and a spice-runner, you’re a terrible liar,” he chuckles. It was okay for you to personally acknowledge your own inadequacies, but it was not okay for a stranger to do it. With a frown on your face and your finger hovering over the trigger, you bring your blaster out from under the table and rest it between the two of you. 

“I may be shit at lying, but I’m an excellent shot. I never miss, and I tend to shoot first, so you might want to explain yourself and quickly before the little patience I have runs out. We both know I could kill you right here, and no one would bat an eye. Make it quick, Poe.”

His eyes widen once he sees how close your finger is to the trigger.

“Okay! Okay! Relax! I’m not the enemy! I'm genuinely here to help. I'm a friend,” he says as he slowly puts his hands up in surrender.

“I don't have any friends.”

“I wonder why.” He glances at the blaster before his eyes meet yours once again.

“How do you know who I am?” With your free hand, you pick up the glass in front of you and take a drink.

“Luke Skywalker,” he says bluntly.

You choke and spit out your drink, barely managing to turn your head in time to miss Poe's face. Your face is beet red by the time you manage to stop coughing. You're too shocked to even attempt to hide it. You pull your blaster back a bit and lean in closer to him. The look on his face clearly says he thought he had won your trust with that statement alone.

“He’s...he’s alive? I thought he died. Where is he?”

“We were hoping you knew. Once he found you, he contacted his sister General Organa to let her know you two were headed to the Jedi temple. He told her how important you were but didn’t say why aside from the fact that you’re a powerful Force user. He described what you looked like hoping it would help her find you should something happen. I don’t know exactly what was said, to be honest. She was kind of vague on the details. Anyway, after the temple incident, Luke contacted her and told her everything that had happened. He said you got away and that she needed to find you. That was the last time she heard from him. No one has seen him since, and he's blocked himself off from the Force. We've been looking for you ever since. You've been impossible to track down until last week anyway," he smiles.

"General _Organa_? Organa as in... _Leia_ Organa. Princess Leia?" Poe smirks at your disbelief. You can't tell if you like the smirk or if you want to punch him every time he does it. 

“You used the Force, and whatever you did was powerful enough for Leia to notice. She sent me out here not too long after that. Oh, and I wouldn't call her 'Princess Leia,' at least not to her face. She hates that for some reason.”

"Wait...Okay, back up a bit. You couldn't find me until last week? What happened last-" you answer your own question before you bother asking it.

A week prior, you had been repairing a ship and slipped. You were alone, and the fall would have definitely caused some damage due to how tall the ship was. Instinctively, you threw your hands out to stop the fall. The mental wall you had heavily constructed crumbled, and the Force rushed through your body like a tidal wave, stopping your fall at the last minute. As soon as you were safely on the ground, you blocked out the Force again and prayed it went unnoticed. Apparently, your prayers went unanswered. Another worrisome thought crossed your mind. If Princess Leia was able to find you, others could too.

“We need your help taking down the First Order. We need Luke's help too, but we can’t find him. Leia thinks if anyone can find him, it's you,” Poe says abruptly to break the silence. 

“So you want _me_ to find Luke even though the entire Resistance can’t find him? _And_ you want me to fight a battle that isn’t mine?” You ask, cocking an eyebrow to emphasize your skepticism.

“The battle against the First Order affects everyone, not just the Resistance. You may have been able to stay out of the crossfire so far, but that won’t last. Eventually, they’ll find this corner of the galaxy, and eventually, they’ll find you. If I did, someone else would be able to. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Even if I wanted to help, which I don't, I wouldn't know where to even _begin_. I was with Luke for like a day before we got to the temple, and shit hit the fan. Unfortunately, we didn't discuss his favorite vacation spots. If you guys think I'll have an advantage because I spent a day with him and/or because I'm a Force user, you're wrong. The one thing Luke managed to teach me was how to close myself off to it. I've been successfully doing so for years now, and I intend to continue to do so."

“Why did you cut yourself off from the force?”

“In case you haven't noticed, the First Order has been tracking down and slaughtering Force users! They have a way to locate us somehow. Aside from the First Order, whoever killed everyone at the temple that night saw me and maybe looking for me. Well...it was pouring, and I had a hood over my head...which was soaked and clinging to my face. But still! I'm at more of a disadvantage than all the other Force users they've killed because I may have multiple people looking for me. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants revenge. Considering I knocked him on his ass before I made a run for it. If he holds grudges, I doubt he just assumed I was dead and moved on.”

“You blasted Kylo Ren on his ass?” Poe’s eyes widened.

“The name sounds familiar, but I’m not completely sure I know who Kylo Ren is.”

“What!?” Poe practically yells. Several people in the cantina glance your way. Poe quickly covers his mouth with his hand after seeing the murderous glare you throw his way.

“Sorry!” He whispers loudly. “How is it possible you don’t know who Kylo Ren is, though? You've heard of Leia but not Kylo Ren?”

The name did ring a bell, but you aren’t quite sure why. If he’s that well-known like Poe is suggesting, then you've probably overheard someone mention him in passing. 

“My survival has relied on my ability to stay under the radar by keeping my nose out of shit that doesn’t concern me,” you sneer.

“Well, beautiful, this _does_ concern you. Kylo Ren is the one responsible for blowing up the temple and slaughtering everyone. They call him the Jedi killer. He’s second in command of the First Order, and he’s the one hunting down you Force users. That means he’ll be after you if he isn’t already.”

* * *

Kylo Ren has only been an adult for a couple of years, but he is well known throughout the galaxy for his strength, physically and with the Force. Even though he's only twenty, he's known throughout the galaxy as the ‘Jedi Killer.’ The nickname wasn't exactly accurate when he first sought out Snoke, but it is now. His Master had made it his mission to kill all remaining Jedi and all Force users. So far, everyone he's killed was weak and not worthy of his time. Every time someone discovered they were Force-sensitive, Snoke somehow knew. It was Kylo’s job to ensure they were dealt with quickly and efficiently. 

For this reason, it wasn't out of the ordinary for Snoke to send him to find someone. What _was_ strange was Snoke requesting he return someone to him alive. He can’t approach this situation as he usually would. Kylo’s usual modus operandi consists of a couple of TIE Fighters and a handful of stormtroopers. He'd arrive on whatever mudball the person was on, locate them, kill them, and return to his ship or their base. He rarely needed the help of the TIE’s or the troopers, but it never hurt to put on a bit of a show. Striking fear in the hearts of others was one of the only things he enjoyed. 

He needs to find you and return you to Snoke unharmed. Arriving with a small army would scare anyone, regardless of whether they are a Force user. If you are as strong as Snoke suggests you are, he knows you won't go down without a fight. He has an idea. An idea that will enable him to obtain you unharmed easily. It's insane, even by his standards, but it's the only plan he can come up with on short notice. It's as if the Force is telling him this is the only way he can successfully carry out Snoke's orders. Snoke will allow him to complete his training if it works. He will finally be able to take the final steps toward the dark side, snuffing out the light once and for all. He will finally be able to fulfill his destiny by following in his grandfather’s footsteps.

* * *

“What does he look like? Why is he after anyone that can use the Force?”

“No one knows who he really is or what he looks like. He wears a mask, kind of like Vader did. It’s all black has a silver visor thingy. He also has a red crossguard lightsaber. It makes a weird buzzing noise and looks like a kid made it. One of a kind and hard to miss. The only thing anyone knows about him is he is a very, very powerful Force user, and he uses the power of ‘the dark side.' This is why Leia thinks you and Luke are the only ones that can help us. We think he may have been a Jedi or training to be one at some point. We know you’re connected to him, though,” Poe says nonchalantly. He grabs your drink from the table and chugs it.

“What! How?!” you whisper loudly. You have a feeling you know what Poe is going to say, but you still need him to confirm your suspicions.

His brow furrows with disgust, and he shivers as he struggles to swallow what was left of your drink. "How could you drink that! What is it?" he asks between coughs while trying not to gag.

"Corellian whiskey, you sissy. Focus Poe!" you say as you snap your fingers in front of his face. "How am I connected to Kylo Ren?"

He sticks his tongue out and shakes his head once as if the action will make the taste go away.

“The night you showed up at the temple is when Kylo Ren showed up. He's the one that destroyed it and killed everyone. Everyone thought you were the only one that escaped. A day later, Luke contacted the General and vanished, the First Order becomes an issue, and Kylo Ren starts hunting Force users. It all has to be connected. There's no way it's a coincidence,” Poe says as he glances over his shoulder again.

The two of you being connected somehow does make sense. He had been inside your head, and you had been inside his. That type of thing had to create some sort of connection, right? Did he show up because you were there, though?

Poe reaches across the table and places his hand on top of yours. The sudden physical contact startles you, which doesn't go unnoticed. “Hey, I didn’t mean what happened is your fault. I realize now that’s how it might sound, but that’s not what I meant. There just...there has to be a reason all of this started around the same time, ya know? I can’t sense or use the Force like you and the general can. She says she has a ‘feeling’ it’s all connected somehow, and I trust her. Her weird feelings are never wrong.”

"Always trust the Force," you mumble to yourself and nod before glancing at the door. The cantina is busier than it had been when Poe first sat at your table. More people meant a higher chance of being overheard, watched, or both.

“Were you planning on staying the night planetside, or were you planning on heading back to your general once I inevitably turned you down?”

He smiles that obnoxiously flirty smile. “If you’re asking me to stay the night with you, I’m all for it, gorgeous.”

You roll your eyes at him. “I blocked out the force, not all common sense, and dignity,” you smile back condescendingly. “I’m asking because there's a lot of people in here, and what we are talking about should probably stay between us. My speeder is outside, and my ship isn’t too far from here. If you come back with me, we can continue this conversation there. I have more questions that need answering before I even consider helping you. Where’s your ship?”

“About an hour outside the outpost.”

“An hour? How the hell did you get here without a speeder?”

“I hitched a ride.”

“Here? On Batuu...to the outpost? Someone willingly just picked you up and gave you a ride here?”

“I can be _very persuasive_ ,” he says with a wink.

You roll your eyes again and start to stand. “Play along,” you whisper in Poe’s ear. Grabbing his hand, you intertwine your fingers with his and make your way to the exit.

"I can get used to this," he chuckles and gives your hand a quick squeeze.

You groan. Poe Dameron is a pain in the ass and, most likely, your new friend.

* * *

It's been close to five years since anyone last saw Ben Solo. To a majority of the galaxy, he's dead. It's unlikely anyone knows what he looks like now, which is exactly what he's counting on. Very few people have seen Kylo Ren without his helmet on, not since he killed Ben Solo and embraced the dark side.

Anyone that could recognize him is either dead or far away from here. This is exactly why he intends to go after you without his gloves, without his cape, and without his mask. He plans to find you and befriend you. Once he has your trust, he’ll easily be able to return you to Snoke. Since you'll consider him a friend, turning you to the dark side should be easy enough. He figures you'll gladly turn if it meant being with someone you trust. It's what he would do.

_'Maybe if I had a friend to convince me to stay in the light, I would have. It doesn't matter either way, not anymore'._

Very few things make Kylo anxious, and even fewer things frighten him, but if he's honest with himself, this whole mission both frightens him and unnerves him. He's taking a risk by personally looking for you alone, and as the boy he had left behind when he left Luke's temple five years ago. For the first time in a very long time, he needs Ben Solo, which frightens him almost as much as Snoke does.

He can’t use his lightsaber, not around others at least. It's too unique and recognizable. He needs to find out how much you know about him as soon as possible. Depending on how much you know about the Jedi and the dark side, he may not even be able to rely on the Force. After finding a satchel, he slipped the strap over his head and across his chest. He shoves a blaster and a lightsaber he had taken off of a Jedi he had killed into the bag. Before leaving his quarters, he decides to bring his own lightsaber just in case. For the last five years, the saber very rarely left his side. Keeping it nearby had saved his life once when he was younger, and it probably would again.

Black boots, black pants, and a black long-sleeved shirt are the only clothes he can find that not only fit his large frame but that will allow him to somewhat blend in with others. All he's missing is the white armor and helmet, and he'd look like a full-fledged stormtrooper. The first thing he intends to do when he gets to Batuu, where Snoke said you are, is finding new clothes.

Kylo walks to the Supremacy's hangar, wipes the memory of anyone that sees him, and orders them to leave the area. After climbing into an older model TIE fighter, he sets the coordinates for Batuu. Once there, he's hoping you will open yourself up to the Force again. It will be challenging to find you if you don't. When he's sure the TIE is headed in the right direction, he sits back and mentally prepares for what he's about to do.

* * *

When you're sure no one is paying any attention to the two of you, you try to release Poe’s hand, but he doesn’t let yours go. You shake it, hoping he'll take the hint and release you. Instead, he holds onto your hand tighter.

"Ugh. Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?" you ask while glaring at him.

"All the time," he smiles. As the two of you approach your speeder, four huge men appear in between you and your destination. 

“Hello, boys! I'm not sure what you want, but it will have to wait. I have plans for him tonight, and I’d rather get to them sooner rather than later.”

Winking at the man who you think might be in charge, you run your loose hand up and down Poe's arm. The infuriating Resistance pilot tilts his head towards you and smiles. He can't stop flirting with you even when the two of you are in trouble. You hope the men will catch the sexual innuendos you're throwing their way. Once you hit puberty, you discovered how easily you could talk your way out of a tough situation simply with a well-timed wink or by bending over a bit more than necessary in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's obvious the men in front of you aren't going to go weak in the knees because you winked at them, but you still have to try.

“You’re the Resistance pilot, aren’t ya? The one the First Order's lookin' for.” 

Jerking your hand out of Poe's so fast he doesn't have time to react, you turn and glare at him angrily. You no longer care whether or not you have an audience.

“The First Order is after _you_!? And you tell me this now!? WHAT THE HELL?” you yell at him. He isn’t sure if you're acting or not, but he plans to roll with it. 

“No, they have the wrong guy. I’m not a pilot, and I’m _definitely_ not with the Resistance.”

“Is that right?” the man says with a smirk as he pulls a small datapad from his pocket. He taps it a few times before turning it towards the two of you. An image of Poe lights up the screen along with a pretty hefty bounty for his capture. He's wanted dead or alive but is worth a lot more alive. You glance from the datapad to him, then back with disbelief. After running both hands over your face, you sigh.

“Look guys, I met him like an hour ago. He’s cute. I thought I’d have some fun with him before I leave Batuu. He’s definitely not worth the trouble, so you guys can have him. I’ll be on my way,” you say as you start to walk around them. You don’t get very far before one of the men move in front of you.

“Not so fast, girl. We may not know who you are, but if you’re with the Resistance pilot, it means you’re important to 'em, which makes you important to the First Order. Means more credits for us,” the man says with a grotesque smile.

“Fine. Have it your way then,” you sigh once more. Your day is definitely not going as planned. You begin to turn your back on the man, or so he thinks. Before any of the men (including Poe) can react, you turn quickly and shove your elbow into the large man's stomach. When he crouches over from the pain, you pull your elbow back and thrust it upwards at the man, breaking his nose.

“Shit!” Poe yells, impressed.

He quickly dives into action and begins to fight with the other men. Four against two wouldn’t be too bad if the men were human. You aren’t sure what they are, but they're resilient. Their large bulky bodies and reptilian-like skin make them a bit tougher to fight than you expected. You pull your blaster out of your holster and shoot the man you had hit before he can get back up. You lift the blaster to shoot at the man Poe is fighting, but before you can pull the trigger, two large, strong arms grab you from behind and lift you off your feet. The blaster falls out of your hand and hits the ground when the man squeezes you so tightly you think he might actually break your ribs. The pressure steals the air from your lungs.

He pins your arms to your sides, making it impossible to punch or elbow him. Your feet are dangling above the ground so kicking him isn't an option either. Poe isn’t fairing very well, so you know if you don’t act soon, both of you will be handed over to the First Order. Another frightening thought occurs to you, they may have already alerted them, and they may already be on their way to Batuu. That thought alone throws you into action. You take a deep breath, as much as you can with the man's arms wrapped around you, and let the Force flow through you. The feeling is so intense it nearly takes your breath away. It's as if you’ve been in the desert barely surviving off a single drink of water then are suddenly tossed into a river. 

“Poe!” you yell and glance at the blaster on the ground.

With a twitch of your fingers, the blaster flies in Poe’s direction and into his waiting hand. The man holding you is detracted by the action, giving you just enough slack to wiggle your arm to your side and remove the lightsaber from your belt. The blue saber hums to life the moment your thumb activates it. Releasing you, the large man yells as the saber burns through his side upon activation. You land lightly on your feet, spin around, and stab the man in the chest. At the same time, Poe blasts the other two men. 

“How did you...the trick with the blaster. Did you use the Force? I thought you blocked it out?”

“Yes, I used the Force, and yes, I blocked it out. I figured now is as good a time as any to use it if we survive and avoid capture. Now come on! We need to get away from here. They might have already alerted the First Order.”

Without glancing at Oga's or Poe, you hop onto your speeder and start it up. Poe immediately hops on behind you, wraps his left arm around your waist, and holds on tight to his blaster with his right.

* * *

The moment Kylo lands on Batuu, he remembers why he despises the planet so much. It was once a thriving stop for traders and travelers before the advancements in lightspeed technology. Its lush forests and mountain regions are known only to those who dare to venture this far into the Outer Rim. At the infamous Black Spire Outpost, smugglers and rogues peddle their wares among the towering remains of petrified trees. This is exactly why Kylo had visited Batuu in the past, with Han Solo. 

As he makes his way to Black Spire Outpost, he tries his best to push aside the memories of the last time he was here and who he was with. However, it's easier said than done. Avoiding confrontation is also harder than he had expected. He's called a “pretty boy” several times as he wades through a crowd of people to get to a vendor that sells clothes. He wishes he had his mask and could use his lightsaber. People would be cowering in fear, not bumping into him and making snide remarks.

He feels you use the force when he finishes changing into a more casual and inconspicuous set of clothes, clothes that look eerily similar to something Han Solo would wear. Realizing he probably only has a short window of time before you close yourself off again, he runs as fast as he can in your direction. He passes the bodies of several men, killed by blaster fire, as well as a wound that looks like it was made with a lightsaber. On the ground next to them is a datapad that had been used to contact the First Order. According to the datapad, the Resistance’s pilot Poe Dameron is on Batuu and with you. They have been after Dameron for a while, which means the Order would be on their way to Batuu already, and they will be sending more than a handful of troopers. Cursing to himself, he zips in and out of the crowds of people until he finds someone with a speeder in fairly decent shape. 

“You will give me your speeder and walk away,” Kylo says as he waves his hand in front of the man's face.

“I will give you my speeder and walk away,” the man says in a daze before walking away. 

Without wasting another minute, Kylo hops onto the speeder and heads in your direction.

* * *

You quickly realize Poe is not the silent type. He begins talking after five minutes of glorious silence as you speed towards your ship.

“Where did you get that lightsaber? I thought only Jedi’s had them. Where did you learn to fight like that?”

“I don’t know if only Jedi's have them. I told you Luke only taught me how to block the force. Before the temple was destroyed, he told me to take his ship and leave. He said there was a box in it, and whatever was in it was important, and I need to keep it with me. The only thing in it was the lightsaber and a kyber crystal. I keep the saber with me at all times, and I have the crystal around my neck,” you shout over your shoulder. The wind rushing past you as you accelerate makes conversation difficult. That doesn't stop Poe from trying, though.

“Ok, that explains the lightsaber, but where did you learn to fight? The way you swing that thing...it's like you were trained how to use it.”

“You wouldn't believe me if I told you.”

“I watched you lift and throw a blaster at me by flicking your fingers. Try me.” You sigh, knowing he isn't going to drop the subject until you explain.

“After the temple, when I somewhat fought Kylo Ren, I knew how to do things I hadn't known how to do before. Fighting and using a lightsaber mainly. We used the Force against each other, even though I had no idea what I was doing at the time. I don’t know how to explain it. I was a decent fighter before that happened. I could defend myself at least. After that day, it was like my reflexes were heightened, and I could fight. Like _really_ fight. The same goes for the lightsaber. I’ve used blasters in the past, of course, but never anything remotely like a saber. From that day on, it's felt natural, like I've been trained to use it. It's like that when I use the Force too. It's like I've been trained with it, but in actuality, I have no idea what I'm doing and kinda just trust my instincts. So far, it's worked out okay.”

“Hmm. You’re right. I don't believe you,” he chuckles. You have your back to him so he can’t see you roll your eyes, but you have a feeling he still knows. 

You are pleased to see your ship is all alone and intact when you get to it. After lowering the ramp, you and Poe enter quickly, lifting the ramp the moment you're both inside. You rest in the pilot seat while he rests in the co-pilot seat next to you. You have _no_ intention of leaving the planet with him in your ship but sending him away so soon after the scene at the cantina is a bad idea. The plan is to hang out at least until morning. If the First Order's troops don’t show up, you’ll drop him off at his ship and be on your way. What you're going to do after that? You aren’t sure yet.

“For conversation sake,” you say as you rub your face with both hands. To wake yourself up, you decide to get more information out of Poe. He jumps a little, not expecting you to break the silence. "If I _were_ to go looking for Luke, hypothetically speaking of course, where would I even start? I can't just go planet to planet. Do you guys have any clues? Any information at all that might help?"

Poe opens his mouth to answer your question but pauses when you both hear a knock on the side of the ship. Poe hands you back your blaster as you hand him one of the spare ones you have lying around. You give each other a small nod before lowering the ramp. Expecting to be outnumbered by the First Order or bounty hunters, you're surprised to see one lone, round droid sitting at the end of the ramp.

“BB-8, my buddy! What took you so long? I was worried!”

You look at the man and droid in front of you with a raised eyebrow. The droid beeps at Poe and rolls around him excitedly.

BB-8 is too focused on Poe to notice you at first, but his small head spins in your direction when he does. He beeps wildly and rolls up the ramp, stopping at your feet.

“Yeah, that’s her. I told you I’d find her." 

You crouch down, so you're closer to the droid and introduce yourself. “Hi BB-8. It's nice to meet you.” The droid beeps and spins around you, happy. 

“She’s alright, I guess,” Poe smirks. 

Suddenly BB-8 rolls quickly down the ramp, tilts his head back, so he's angled towards the sky, and beeps wildly again.

“What is it?” Poe asks the droid.

BB-8 responds with distress. “We have to leave Batuu now! There are two First Order transport ships on their way,” Poe says once he sees what has the droid so anxious.

“ _We_ aren’t leaving Batuu. _You_ are going back to your ship and flying back to your general,” you say with irritation. You were afraid if you brought him back to your ship, he would try and pull a stunt like this.

“I know! I didn’t expect you to come back with us, and neither did Leia. With or without us, you have to leave the planet immediately. Do you think you can get me to my ship before the troopers head this way, at least? They’re landing in the opposite direction of my ship, but they'll be closer to yours once they land.”

You look around the ship that’s been your home for the last five years. There's a big chance you won’t make it back to get the ship. Although you aren’t materialistic, you want to make sure you have anything that might be important just in case.

Without saying a word, you run into your quarters and grab the satchel you had taken from the temple. After filling it with the few articles of clothing you have and credits, you throw on your black hooded cowl and leave the room.

“What are you doing? What’s in the bag?”

“Basically my belongings. Just in case I don’t make it back here before the First Order does. Let’s go.”

The look Poe gives you is a mix of anxiety and pity. If there's one thing, you can’t stand, it's being pitied. 

“Don’t look at me like that. I can practically hear what you’re thinking. I don’t want your pity. Let’s go,” you snap at him.

He raises his hands in surrender and follows behind you as you exit the ship. Once the two of you are clear of the ramp, you close it and hurry to your speeder. You strap BB-8 into a netted compartment on the side before hopping on. Poe quickly jumps on behind you and wraps his arm around your waist, holding you a little tighter and closer than before. 

* * *

The ride to Poe’s ship is smoother and quicker than you expected. Poe hops off of the speeder before you bring it to a complete stop in front of his X-Wing. While unstrapping BB-8, he repeatedly glances between you and the droid. It's obvious he wants to say something to you but is hesitant to do so.

“Spit it out, Poe. There’s something you want to say, so say it. We’re short on time, remember?”

He sighs, “You sure there’s no way I can convince you to come with us? I know you don’t want to leave your ship, and I know you don’t want to join the Resistance but-”

“I’m sure Poe...I...I _might_ look for Luke, but I’m not sure yet. All I know is that I for sure have no desire to become a Resistance member. They're all hideous and extremely annoying. At least the one's I've met were,” you smile. 

“Okay, okay," he chuckles. "Can you do something for me then? Well...two things.”

“What?” you narrow your eyes suspiciously.

“Take this and this,” he grabs one of your hands and places two small objects in your palm before closing your fingers around them.

With a raised eyebrow, you uncurl your fingers to look at what he's given you. One is a small com device, and the other looks like it might be some sort of data chip.

“What is this?” you ask as you hold up the data chip. “And what am I supposed to do with this?” you gesture towards the com unit.

“The com unit is in case you need to get a hold of me.”

“Why would I-“

“It will make me feel better, okay! Just...reach out if you're ever in trouble...or if you find Luke...or if you miss me. Use it,” he says while avoiding eye contact. He then glances back to the other item in your hand. 

BB-8 starts beeping and chirping wildly from the inside of the X-Wing. Moments later, both you and Poe hear the distant sound of speeders as they zigzag through the trees that surround you, quickly closing the distance between you.

“Shit!” you yell as you glance from the treeline to Poe. “Poe, what is this?" You hold up the data chip. "Why did you give this to me?” you yell over the sound of the X-Wing powering up. 

“It’s half of a map to Skywalker!”

“WHAT? Why the hell didn't you tell me you had this earlier! Why are you giving it to me now? The First Order-”

Poorly aimed blaster fire begins to fly in your general direction. The stormtroopers can shoot at you at their distance but aren't remotely close enough to actually hit you. The poor innocent trees surrounding you aren't so lucky. As the distance between you and the troopers decreases, the blasts slowly creep closer to you, Poe, and the X-Wing. Knowing you are out of options, you once again let the force flow through you.

“Go, Poe! I’ll hold them off!”

“But-“ 

“LEAVE NOW, POE!”

He's about to climb into his X-Wing when he freezes and quickly turns back to you. Once in front of you, he grabs you and pulls you into a tight hug. Not sure what to do, you keep your hands at your sides, stand still, and wait for him to release you.

"You're supposed to hug me back. Wrap your arms around me," he says over your shoulder.

"For kriff's sake, Poe, we don't have time for this!"

"Then you better hurry up."

Groaning, you wrap your arms around his waist and give him a quick squeeze. The gesture is all it takes for him to release you and climb into his ship. Turning back towards the troopers, you watch as blasts fly directly towards the two of you. As expected, their aim drastically improves once they're closer to you. You outstretch your right hand in their direction and freeze the blasts midway between the blasters they came from and where you're standing, directly in front of Poe's ship. He straps himself in, glances at you once more, and ascends.

* * *

Kylo manages to stay far enough away to not be detected but close enough to track you and Poe. Your speeder is fast, but it leaves a trail which he assumes you're unaware of. He stays hidden in the trees, near the treeline, while he follows you to Poe’s X-Wing. As he's trailing after you, he watches from a distance as two transport ships land. Soon after landing, the ramps are lowered, and a dozen stormtroopers file out. They climb onto their speeders and head in your direction. 

He watches as you and Poe have an animated conversation, but he's too far away to hear what's being said. However, he sees Poe hand you something and closes your fingers around it. The two of you only stop arguing once the stormtroopers begin to close in and start firing blasts in your direction.

“WHAT!” and “LEAVE NOW POE!” is the only thing Kylo can hear from where he is hiding. Poe is about to climb into his X-Wing when he pauses and walks back towards you. Once he's standing directly in front of you, he throws his arms around you and pulls you in close to him. Kylo frowns.

_'Is she part of the Resistance? What is he to her? Are they friends, or are they together on a more intimate level? Most importantly, why do I care?'_

You're uncomfortable with the gesture. He's unsure whether it's because you're uncomfortable with physical contact or if it's because you don't want Poe that close to you. He hopes it's the latter, and he has no idea why.

He watches you raise your hand in the direction of the approaching troopers and stop the blasts that are aimed directly at you and the X-Wing. He's impressed by how much control you seem to have over the Force considering you have little to no training after blocking yourself off from it for years. When you allow the Force to flow through you, Kylo can feel just how strong you are. He now understands why Snoke is so interested in you. Even with your strength, you won't be able to freeze the blasts and simultaneously hold off the stormtroopers that are rapidly approaching you.

As they close in on you, his anxiety climbs, and to his complete shock, he can tell when yours does too. Just as quickly as the Force washes over you, your emotions wash over him. At least that's what he thinks is happening. With no time to ruminate on this new and concerning feeling, he launches his speeder in your direction, no longer able to sit on the sidelines. Careful not to be seen, he speeds through the treeline as quickly as possible. Once close enough, he brings his speeder to a stop, outstretches his hand, and freezes the troopers and their speeders in place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've read a lot of Ben/Kylo x Reader stories that I've actually liked. I've wanted to write a Ben/Kylo story for a while but there's SOO many with him and Rey so I thought I'd try writing a Ben x Reader story. It's my first time so be gentle.


	2. Threads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're being chased and you’re outnumbered. At least you were until a very handsome mysterious man literally falls out of the sky to help you out.

* * *

_  
"When I first laid eyes upon you  
I realized we were bound  
I knew that our futures would find it true  
That we are bound by the red thread of destiny  
As I hold you in my arms  
Feel your warm breath brush against my throat  
I know that I will never let you come to harm  
Because our ankles are bound by the red string of fate"  
  
Akai Ito _

* * *

“Stay safe!” Poe yells as he closes the hatch above his head. You rev your speeders engine, ready to take off as soon as Poe is out of blaster range. Once he's far enough away, using the Force, you reverse the direction of the blasts and speed away. You aren’t sure if the troopers are after you because they assume you're with the Resistance, or because you've made it very obvious you’re a Force user but it really doesn't matter. They're after you either way. 

The troopers are headed straight towards you so instead of going back to the ship the way you came, you have to do a wide circle around the general vicinity of your ship. You hope they haven’t located it yet because if they have there will likely be a welcoming committee. They're close enough that if they had good aim, they can easily shoot you. However, they aren’t close enough to try and physically hit you or pull you off the speeder, yet. 

There are two troopers on your left, two on your right, and a handful coming straight for you. You're grateful Batuu is a forest planet because zipping in between trees provides you with an advantage. The trees provide you with a fair amount of cover from blasts as you fly in between them and around them, making it hard for the troopers to get a good shot in. You're trying really hard not to panic but the odds aren't in your favor, even if you use the Force. 

You dodge blasts using a combination of the Force and your superior speeder skills while also returning fire when possible. You manage to shoot two of the troopers ahead of you, successfully tipping the scales just a little in your favor. One of the troopers to your left suddenly veers their speeder directly into yours. At the very last second, you hop onto the seat, narrowly missing the impact that would have completely shattered your leg. 

You spin and kick the trooper completely off of his speeder and watch as it veers into a different trooper, effectively getting two hits for the price of one. You laugh and momentarily let your guard down which costs you. Your speeder's rammed into from the right causing you to lose your balance and fall off but before you can hit the ground, you throw yourself onto the trooper's speeder. Taking him by surprise, you blast him in the back of the helmet. He slumps over and falls to the ground as you hop back onto your own speeder.

* * *

Kylo joins the fight when you almost fall off of your speeder. He accelerates quickly and prays you feel him approaching you from behind now that you've opened yourself to the Force again. He shoots his blaster towards the troopers ahead of you while being careful to avoid shooting too close to you. 

Two troopers appear behind Kylo while he's shooting the troopers that are quickly outnumbering you. Not paying attention, one of their speeders manages to get close enough to knock his blaster out of his hand. Cursing, he uses the force to knock them both to the ground. His attention quickly turns back to you when he feels you panic. He watches as two troopers box you in once more before one grabs you from behind and pulls you off your seat. Kylo pushes his speeder to its limits, doubting it has ever been ridden so hard by its previous owner. Before he can get to you, you switch on your lightsaber, kill the trooper holding you and force push the vacant speeder towards another set of troopers. 

Highly irritated, Kylo wishes they knew who he was just so they would back off. Snoke won't be happy if you're killed. Whether it's Kylo's fault or not, he would be the one punished for it. Had he been the one sent to find Dameron, Hux wouldn't have sent nearly as many troopers with him. For some reason, Hux decided two transport shuttles full of troopers was what is needed to capture one lone Resistance pilot. 

* * *

The temporary joy you feel over dispatching the last few stormtroopers instantly vanishes as more start to close in on you. Between the blasts and getting rammed into, you're running out of options. As you begin to panic, you feel a weird sensation at the base of your neck. A feeling that's familiar yet different at the same time. Before you can pinpoint what it is, the sound of a speeder quickly approaching from behind catches your attention. Usually, if someone were to sneak up on you, you’d be able to sense if they had nefarious intentions. You get that feeling in the back of your skull, but you don't sense danger as the person approaches you. Whoever it is, they aren’t an enemy. At least you don't think they are. 

You can’t turn around to see who it is but you hope whoever it is, isn’t planning on shooting you in the back because they have a clear direct shot to it. When you hear blaster fire coming from behind you, you tense and prepare for the pain. When it doesn’t come you know you have an ally. You watch as their blasts pass you and sail towards the troopers in front of you. 

You veer your speeder to the left to avoid being rammed on the right. Instead of avoiding the attack from the right, they box you in. You now have a trooper on each side, within arms reach, and swinging at you. You kick the one to your left hard enough to knock him off his speeder but it gives the trooper on the right the opening he needs to pull you off of yours.

You kick and punch as your feet began to slip off your speeder. Your blows don't connect but you can wiggle enough to reach your lightsaber. With a flick of your wrist, your lightsaber is in your hand, activated, and aimed towards your would-be captor. The trooper's body goes limp and rolls to the ground. With one hard push, you're able to successfully seat yourself back on your speeder. With your right leg extended you push the vacant one in the direction of another set of troopers heading your way.

“MORE? TELL YOUR BOSS I'M NOT WORTH THIS MUCH EFFORT!” You yell as you shoot at the incoming troopers that are circling around you to approach you on the sides again.

Kylo gets his speeder as close to yours as he can before standing on his seat and launching himself toward you using the Force for extra momentum. You feel his presence before he lands on the back of your speeder, sitting flush against your back, with you between his legs. The close proximity causes his cheeks to burn. Luckily you're too busy avoiding death and/or capture to turn around and notice. Normally, your instincts would have you punching or shooting whoever this person is but instinct didn’t kick in. You don’t need to be afraid of him. 

“I think we both know that’s a lie,” Kylo says into your ear once he's seated behind you. Before you can ask any questions he grabs the spare blaster you have partially tucked into the waistband of your pants and begins shooting at the troopers that are approaching you. This gives you the opportunity to focus on driving and not self-defense, making the situation a little less dire.

You haven’t had a chance to turn and look at Kylo yet, but his voice sends shivers down your spine. For a second you think it may be hormones. You've stayed far away from most men you've come into contact with so your body might just be excited over the close proximity. But if that's the case then why didn’t you react the same way to Poe? Something is different about the man behind you and you hope you both survive long enough to figure out what it is. He successfully manages to pick off all of the troopers one by one except the two heading straight towards you. 

“Keep going straight towards them!” Kylo yells over the wind.

“You obviously have really good aim but we can’t dodge blaster fire head-on!” You yell back. 

“Who said anything about dodging it?” 

You can’t see his face but you can practically hear him smirk. You watch as his hand shoots out from your right, past your face, palm open and aimed directly ahead of you. Your eyes widen when you realize what he's about to do. The two troopers in front of you raise their blasters but are thrown off their speeders and launched high into the air before they can shoot. You have to quickly bank right to avoid the vacant speeders, forcing Kylo to grab you by the waist to prevent himself from falling. You try not to focus on the warm arm wrapped around your waist but it isn’t easy. You can feel him tense behind you which means the physical contact must have the same effect on him as it does you. 

Kylo's also trying to focus on the enemies ahead of him and not the fact that he's touching you rather intimately. The physical contact's the most he's ever had with a woman, with anyone really. You're a complete stranger to him and he prays to anyone listening that he won't physically react to the emotions and inappropriate thoughts the close proximity has brought on. The troopers he has thrown using the Force hit the ground face first with a sickeningly loud ‘thud’. You're now free of pursuers and practically at your ship.

As soon as you're there, Kylo releases you and hops off of the speeder before you open the ramp and steer it into your ship. It takes up most of the living area but it's just been you for the last five years. You don’t need a sitting area, you have your bed and the pilot’s seat. Having a speeder with you is much more convenient and practical. Once that's taken care of you head back outside to look for the man.

What you're seeing is not what you expected but you're definitely not disappointed. He's standing awkwardly at the end of the ship's ramp, anxiously looking up at you. The first thing you notice is how tall he is. He's easily over six feet tall and towers over you. He has black chin-length hair that has a slight curl to it and his eyes are a light brown or dark hazel color. He has a strong jawline and plump lips that look are practically begging to be kissed. Your eyes trail from his face to his body which is muscular and thick. You can tell he not only works out but he definitely knows how to fight. You would be drawn to him even if he wasn’t gorgeous. There's a strange connection between you two and you have no idea how that's possible. You've never met the beautiful man in front of you before.

He's dressed from head to toe in black. His black shirt is fitted against his chest nicely. He's wearing a black jacket over his tight black shirt. His black (blessedly) tight pants are tucked into black boots. Draped around his wide hips is a black belt that has straps around his thigh to secure a holster. Across his chest he has another holster. This one more interesting because it holds a lightsaber close to his back. It rests against his shoulder blade, making it easy to reach behind him and grab when necessary. You have never seen a holster like it and immediately you want one. He's the first Force-user you have met and the first person with a lightsaber. The man's getting more interesting the longer you look at him. For what would usually be an uncomfortable amount of silence, the two of you stand and gawk at each other. Only when your eyes finally settle back on his face do you realize he's staring at you just as intensely.

“What?”

“Nothing. I. .I've never seen someone use the inside of their ship to park their speeder. At least not on a ship this small,” he says quickly. He's sure if you knew what he was actually thinking there’s no way he would be able to stay with you. He just hoped you bought the excuse he made up on the fly. 

When Snoke had said he needed to retrieve a ‘girl’, he had assumed it may be a child or a teenager. He was not expecting you to be his age or close to it. He had not expected you to be gorgeous. Your long (H/C) hair and (E/C) eyes instantly draw him in. Not to mention the connection he instantly feels to you. It feels like he's met you before but he doesn’t think that's possible. If he had met you he would definitely remember you. 

“Well thanks for your help. . I’m gonna go now,” you say awkwardly while avoiding eye contact. You're halfway up the ramp when he calls out to you.

“Uh wait!” He says anxiously with a hint of panic in his voice. He slowly makes his way closer to you. “Let me come with you,” he blurts out. He winces once he realizes that statement isn’t going to get him anywhere. He's standing directly in front of you when you respond.

“Ya. . No. Not happening. Sorry,” you say as you turn to walk further up the ramp. Before you can enter your ship completely, he reaches out and grabs your hand to stop you. 

Instantly a jolt shoots up your arms and ripples through your bodies. A spark. There isn’t any other way to accurately describe it because neither of you has ever experienced a feeling like it before. It was as if you've been freezing cold your entire life and are suddenly wrapped in a warm blanket. It felt right. . which terrifies you both. Both of you glance from your joined hands to each other’s widened eyes. Without hesitation, you pull your hand out of his grasp as if the contact had burned you. Although the separation prevents any more unpleasant reactions to your touch, the loss of contact is unpleasant to Kylo. Your reaction to his touch upset him more than he’d ever admit. 

You feel a ripple of emotion flow through you. Rejection. Loneliness. Anxiety. You stare at him with your head slightly tilted as you try to understand why you feel this way and if it's even _your_ emotions you're sensing. If they're his, why did he feel rejected? More importantly, why can you sense his emotions? It isn’t something force users could do. At least you don’t think it is. There are too many questions and not enough time. 

You shake your head as if trying to shake yourself out of your revere. “I’m. . I'm leaving,” you say abruptly before turning again. 

“Wait please!” He yells as you continue to walk up the ramp of your ship.

Kylo starts to panic. He needs you to take him with you but he can’t force you to and he can’t use the usual Jedi mind tricks. He has no idea what to say though so he says the first thing that comes to mind, hoping it isn’t the wrong thing.

“You felt it too!” He says almost desperately. That makes you pause but you still keep your back to him.

“Whatever _that_ was...we both felt it. I’m a Force user just like you, which you saw. The First Order is after you and will be after me now too. We’re two Force users that the First Order is after. We should stick together! I could train you...if you want.”

“You know how to use the Force and you’ll teach me? What about lightsaber training?” You turn to face him. You know how to use a saber and in emergencies, you know how to use the force but you've never been formally trained. 

“Yes, I've had a lot of training with both the Force and combat with or without a lightsaber ever since I was younger. We could help each other. Take me with you wherever it is you’re going and I’ll help you learn to control your powers,” he says as he slowly makes his way closer to you. You both look away from each other and glance towards the sky when you hear the sound of ships breaking through the planet's atmosphere. Two more trooper transport ships are heading your way.

“Why did you help me?” You ask as you watch the transport ships descend.

“Because it was the right thing to do. There aren't many Force users left ...from what I hear. We need to stick together,” he says impatiently while glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. He has always been a horrible liar but hopes since you don’t personally know him that you won’t be able to tell. You turn and look at him suspiciously while he fidgets under your uncomfortable scrutiny. You don’t think he'll hurt you but you don’t trust him. He's keeping something from you but you aren’t sure what. He glances back towards the troopers impatiently. ”We’re out of time. Are you going to trust me or is it every man for himself?” Over his shoulder and in the distance you can see the ramps of the transport shuttles slowly lowering.

“Ugh kriff it. I have shit to do. I don’t know where I’m going yet but you’re not tagging along with me the entire time. Close the ramp behind you,” you yell over your shoulder as you run up the ramp and enter your ship. Once in the cockpit, you quickly sit in the pilot's seat and start up your ship. Seconds after hearing the ramp close, the handsome stranger enters the cockpit and sits in the co-pilot seat next to you. The ship runs smoother with a co-pilot but thankfully it isn’t necessary. The co-pilot seat has been empty ever since you had sat in it while Luke flew you to the temple.

Without a word you guide your ship away from the transport ships, out of Batuu's atmosphere, and away from the planet altogether. Once in the safety of space, you sit back in your chair and pull up the navigational system. 

“Where are we going?” Kylo asks while you stare at the screen. 

“I don’t know yet. But I think I need to head towards Jakku,” you say quietly. 

“Jakku? Why that mudball of a planet?”

“I don’t know it’s just. . a feeling,” you mumble while rolling the data chip between your fingers in the pocket of your cowl. You want to trust him but you can’t. At least not yet and not with the information you have stored away in your pocket. How could you trust him when you don’t even know his name. 

“So what’s your name?” He asks without making eye contact with you. It seems he prefers to stare at you when he thinks you aren’t looking because he looks away as soon as your attention's fully on him. 

You introduce yourself and of course, he asks for your family name. You have to bite the inside of your cheek to prevent yourself from snapping at him. You _hate_ when anyone asks you for your family name. Not just because you have no idea what it is. but because you don’t think you should be defined by your family and whatever their legacy or lack thereof may be.

“I don't know my family name but even if I did, I wouldn't acknowledge it."

Sensing he was approaching dangerous territory, he switches the focus back to him.

“I’m Ben,” he says with a forced smile. He sticks his hand out to shake yours but pauses and pulls it back, remembering what happened last time you touched.

“Ben what? _You_ obviously have a family name. What is it?”

“Ben S-“

He pauses before finishing his sentence. His eyes widen and the color drains from his face as he glances up at you. You raise an eyebrow and wait for him to give you whatever fake family name he's about to make up.

“Ben...Calrissian”

* * *

Once you set the coordinates to Jakku you leave Ben in the cockpit and excuse yourself, claiming you need to use the fresher. What you really plan to do is go into your quarters to pull up the map Poe had given you. Ben doesn’t trust you enough to give you his actual family name so you definitely aren’t going to trust him with any information regarding your plans. You actually don’t have a plan. You prefer to make things up as you go but now that the First Order is after you, you have to decide whether you're going to try and find Luke or try to go on with life as usual. Except there was probably a bounty on your head now. 

You sigh and run your hands over your face. Whether Poe or General Leia knew it or cared, they have dragged you into their war. A war you have desperately tried to stay out of for half a decade. Your choice is now to run forever, at least until the Resistance defeats the First Order. _If_ the Resistance can even beat them. Or you can join the fray, help them fight the First Order, and win the war so you can live in peace. The latter requires Luke’s help. 

* * *

Ben sat staring out the cockpit window, trying to calm down. He almost told you his actual name which would have potentially ruined everything. He wasn’t sure if you had heard of his infamous parents, few hadn’t and he didn’t want to chance it. Plus if you said his name in front of anyone, chances are they would know who he is. Ben Solo was supposed to be dead. 

He knew you didn’t trust him now thanks to his hesitation over what should have been an easy question. Once you had excused yourself he began to panic. The reality of the situation he had put himself in was setting in. He realized something that hadn’t crossed his mind when he came up with his genius plan. One very important thing-

Ben Solo was horrible with people and he had no idea how to talk to women. He had only ever interacted regularly with his mother. There were a couple of female students at Luke's temple but he rarely spoke to them. Everyone treated him like a freak. He was too big, too powerful, too emotional, too angry and prone to outbursts. He was socially awkward and withdrawn. How was he supposed to earn your trust and befriend you when he couldn’t even talk to you? He never had any friends much less a girlfriend, why would you want to change that? 

* * *

The map Poe gave you was incomplete which was disheartening until you notice notes were added at the bottom of the holo.

“JAKKU - LOR SAN TEKA”

It was helpful yet creepy to know once again your instincts prove to be accurate. After taking one last look at the map, you deactivate the holo and tuck the data chip into the small zippered pocket on the thigh of your pants. Afraid you’ll accidentally activate the com unit Poe had given you, you put it in your satchel on your bed. You're hyper-aware of the sudden spike of anxiety radiating off of Ben. You have no idea what caused it but the intensity of it is unsettling. You're getting the sense that he's anxious and awkward by nature, despite how big and strong he is physically. It makes him even more attractive to you. It's extremely endearing to think that the tall muscular man in the cockpit can easily take on a dozen stormtroopers but can’t comfortably talk to a woman.

When you walk into the cockpit Ben has his face in his hands and is resting his elbows on his knees. You aren’t sure what to say to ease his anxiety because you aren’t completely sure what's causing it. You want to talk about the ‘spark’ you both felt when you touched but you don't think that's going to make his anxiety any better. You sit in the pilot's seat and put your boots up onto the dashboard, careful to avoid the ship's controls. Crossing your arms over your chest, you stare ahead out into open space. If Ben wants to talk to you, he can. You aren’t going to bug him, at least not when he's close to having a panic attack.

While he's seemingly not paying attention to you, you take the opportunity to study him further. When you first laid eyes on him he seemed confident, strong, and fearless. The man in front of you doesn’t seem like any of those things. He looks defeated with his shoulders slumped and his head in his hands. Almost like a young boy trapped in a large man’s body. Hoping your ability to sense his emotions goes both ways, you relax and clear your mind in an almost meditative state. That alone makes you pause. You've never meditated before and you had no idea how to until now apparently. It takes longer than expected for you to fully relax and clear your mind but once you do you noticed a change in Ben’s posture. He too seems to relax. His breathing evens out and he removes his head from his hands. He leans back against the co-pilot’s seat with his eyes closed for a minute before turning his head towards you.

“You okay?” you ask quietly.

“Yes,” he says shortly. 

Sensing he isn’t one to purposely carry on a casual conversation, you give him a quick nod before turning your gaze out to the passing stars. The two of you sit quietly side by side, staring out the cockpit.

“May I ask you a question?” he asks suddenly.

“Only if I can ask you one,” you say without turning to look at him. 

He pauses. There are plenty of things you might ask him that he won’t have an answer to or will have to lie about. The only thing he will be able to answer honestly, for the most part, will be questions about the Force and/or battle. He knows refusing to answer any questions will only make you trust him less than you already do. Resigned, he agrees.

“You go first.”

“Are you with the Resistance?”

You cock an eyebrow at him and narrow your eyes suspiciously. He obviously isn’t with the Resistance so what part does he play in all of this and how did he find you? His question is only creating more questions.

“I overheard some men outside of the cantina discussing a bounty on a Resistance member. I had hoped to find him or her before the bounty hunters did or before the First Order could be contacted but when I found them they were dead and you had fled. The datapad said it was Poe Dameron and an unknown female Resistance member. When the stormtroopers landed I followed them until I found you. You were arguing with who I assume was Dameron before he left in his X-Wing. I want to join them. I want to take down the First Order." It isn’t completely a lie. Not all of it anyways.

You weigh your options. You could partially tell him the truth. He said he wants to join the Resistance. Even if that's a lie, it’s not like he can really do anything to you. You have no idea where they were. The only valuable bit of information you have was the map to Skywalker but even that wouldn’t benefit him unless he knew exactly where it leads. Whether you want to admit it or not, you want to trust him. You want to have a friend. It's been so long since you've had any sort of companionship. It isn’t only because Ben is disgustingly good looking either. He watches your face as you silently ponder your answer, knowing you're either debating whether or not to tell him the truth.

“I was minding my own business at Oga's, waiting for a job so I could get off of Batuu when Poe approached me. He wanted me to join the Resistance. When I noticed how busy Oga's was I told him we should leave and continue the conversation in private. Some guys recognized him and followed us out. I was guilty by association so when they contacted the First Order, they mentioned me. So when the troopers got there they were after both of us. More so him. At least until they saw I was a Force user. Now they probably want me just as bad as they want him. The rest you know,” you sigh.

Ben knows you aren’t lying based on your posture and your facial expression. He has ‘interrogated’ enough people to know when someone is lying, even without tapping into their minds. There's one question he wants answered but isn’t sure if he should ask. It wasn’t his business really and he has no idea why he wants to know so badly but he has to ask.

“So he isn’t your partner?” he asks while avoiding eye contact.

“My partner?” you ask confused. 

“I saw him hug you. I assumed you were. . close? He isn’t your. . uh. . significant other?” The reddish tint slowly spreading across his cheeks doesn't escape your notice.

“Definitely not. Apparently, I’m the only one that had no idea who he is.” 

He gives you a small nod in acknowledgment while staring out into open space again. You notice he's biting the inside of his cheek, something you have a feeling he does while thinking over something intensely.

“I get two questions now.”

His head snaps to you. “What? Why?”

“You asked me if I was with the Resistance and you asked if Poe and I were ‘together.’ Two questions,” you smirk. 

“Fine,” he sighs.

You have so many questions, you have no idea where to start. 

“What were you doing on Batuu?" The question slips out before you can consider whether or not that's really what you want to know. A lie forms in his head a lot faster than he thought it would considering he wasn’t expecting that question.

“I’ve been avoiding the First Order for a while. I had visited Batuu with my father when I was younger and hoped it was still untouched by the First Order. I was going to try and find work until I could figure out where I should go from there.”

“Where’s your father now?” you ask without realizing that's your second question.

“Dead. Both my parents are,” he said. 

His voice and face are devoid of all emotion. It struck you as odd that he showed more emotion when he thought you were going to leave him on Batuu than he does while talking about his dead parents. 

“That was two. My turn,” he smirks. You try to ignore the way your heart skipped a beat. 

“Shit. Fine. Go,” you cross your arms across your chest. He has to fight back a smile at the sight. You look like a child that had just been told they can’t have a toy they wanted.

“Why did Dameron want you to join the Resistance? I assume you kept to yourself and stayed under the radar because of your Force sensitivity. He had to have been specifically seeking you out.” 

This question you can’t answer honestly and you can’t think of a good lie. Ben's very perceptive. There's really no way Poe would have been able to find you unless he was looking and he wouldn’t be looking for you if it wasn’t for a specific reason. If you answer with “I don’t know,” it will get you nowhere with him. He’ll know you're lying. Your gut has been telling you to trust him from the moment you met him. You thought it was in regards to your safety while being chased but maybe it also meant you should trust him on multiple levels. What do you have to lose? Would the First Order have tried to kill him if he was actually one of them? Doubtful. You stare into his eyes as if they’ll tell you whether or not he's trustworthy. He stares right back at you with equal intensity. It's hard not to get lost in his eyes. Realizing you're staring again, you glance away and make your decision.

“The General of the Resistance, Princess Leia Organa, knows I’m Force-sensitive somehow. She sent him to find me and hopefully convince me to go back with him to their base. They want me to help them fight the First Order. I have done a really damn good job of staying out of their war. But they inadvertently threw me in the middle and forced me to choose a side.”

“You’re going to join the Resistance?” he asks curiously. He hopes his face has stayed impassive at the mention of his mother.

“I don’t really have a choice now do I?” you say angrily. 

You know it isn’t his fault you're in the position you're currently in but you're pissed. You don’t like being cornered and that’s essentially what's happening. The anger that courses through you seemingly comes out of nowhere, taking both of you by surprise.

“What choice do I have? I can try and stay under the radar like I have been for the past five years. In the past, the First Order didn’t know anything about me. Now they do which means a lot of people will be looking for me. It will be impossible for me to get any work. Smuggling and Spice Running are no longer an option. If the First Order finds me I’m dead. Probably tortured first but definitely dead. According to Poe, the ‘Jedi Killer’ Kylo Ren’s favorite pastime is finding anyone who might be a Force user and killing them. Which is why you and I, as of now, seem to be the only ones left,” you blurt out without pausing to take a breath. Ben breaks eye contact with you when you mentioned his name with such hatred. It made sense you wouldn’t be his biggest fan but it was interesting to know you had no idea who he was until you had spoken with Dameron. Ben’s dislike for him only seemed to grow each time he's mentioned. 

“That leaves me with the Resistance. At least with them, I’d have somewhere safe to go. I’d be able to help end the war possibly. I might even make a friend. I’d feel useful,” you mumble the last part a lot quieter than intended. He felt just how lonely you are as you spoke. You feel dumb for admitting your desire to be wanted as soon as the words leave your mouth. You avoid eye contact with Ben at first, not wanting to see the look of pity you assumed he had. 

“I understand,” he says quietly. When your eyes meet his, there's no pity or judgment, just honesty. Even so, it's hard not to be skeptical. It's hard to believe someone else could possibly understand how it feels to be completely alone.

“I have no family and when I did they weren’t the...the best. They didn’t understand me. No one did. I left home shortly after they died and have been on my own ever since,” he says. Technically he doesn’t have to tell you this but he feels like it will prove to you that he really does understand how you feel, even though he is only telling you half-truths.

You can’t help but smile. He's given you information about himself without you having to pry it out of him or hide behind the question game. He doesn’t have to tell you anything about his past but he chose to. Maybe you really could be friends. An alert goes off in the ship letting you know you will be landing on Jakku soon. You both turn back toward the control panel and strap yourselves in. Feeling like you two had connected in a way, Ben felt like he could talk to you without making it seem like he was interrogating you. 

“Why are we going to Jakku? You said you had a ‘feeling.’ I’m familiar with the 'feeling' you’re talking about but it's never told me when to leave a planet and which planet I should go to next.”

“I have to speak to someone there. I don’t know what he looks like. I just know he’s on Jakku and his name.”

“What do you need to speak to him about?” Ben asks curiously. He's surprised you're already being so open and honest with him.

You glance at him out of the corner of your eye. Of course, he's looking at you. 

“I don’t know exactly why. I just know if I find him and mention the General, he’ll know why I’m there.”

Ben tries to keep his breathing even and prays you can’t detect his unease. If you're going to Jakku to discuss his mother, there's a chance whoever you're looking for knows her personally which means they may be able to recognize him.

“Who are you looking for?”

“Lor San Tekka.”


	3. War of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben travel to Jakku to meet with a friend of Leia's. Ben's anxiety hits an all time high when he realizes the person you're meeting is someone he's very familiar with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like a visual of how I picture my 20 year old version of Ben, google "Season 4 Adam Sackler"

* * *

_Stay with me a little longer  
I’ll wait for you  
Shadows creep and want grows stronger  
Deeper than the truth  
I can’t help but be wrong in the dark  
Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts  
I can’t help but want oceans to part  
Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts_

_Ruelle- War of Hearts  
  
_

* * *

Once on Jakku you quickly determine that what Ben said about the planet is accurate, it is a ‘mudball’. All you can see upon entering the planet’s atmosphere is miles of sand dunes, not a soul in sight. Even though the sun is setting, it’s uncomfortably hot. You can’t imagine actually living here. You fly somewhat close to the ground, unsure where exactly you're going but knowing how to get there. Ben has been silent ever since you told him who you’re looking for which gives you the impression he's heard of or has at least met, Lor San Tekka. If that is in fact the case, the two didn’t have a great relationship otherwise wouldn’t he be excited to see him? Even though you know Ben isn’t going to be forthcoming, you still have to ask.

“Are you okay? Once I mentioned who I was looking for you kinda clammed up and stopped talking which makes me think you know him or have at least heard of him."

“No. I don’t know who he is,” Ben says. His voice is laced with either irritation or wariness, you’re not sure which. Once a small village appears in the distance, you start to steer the ship straight to it but Ben stops you.

“You shouldn’t land close to the village. I think it would be safer to land further away and either take your speeder or walk. It will draw less attention should there be any confrontation,” Ben says while looking in the direction of the village.

“Good idea.”   
  


By the time you find a good spot to land the ship, the sun has set and the moon is now in its place. The abnormally bright light radiating from the moon is the only thing illuminating the desert around you. Off in the distance, you can see a faint glow coming from the village where you will hopefully find Lor San Tekka. As you lower the ramp to your ship, you glance over to Ben. He doesn’t look like he plans to accompany you which is fine but it only raises your suspicion regarding his relationship with Lor.

Ben is conflicted. For obvious reasons, he can’t go with you to the village. Lor San Tekka helped the New Republic after the battle of Endor. When he was younger, Tekka helped him and Luke track down Jedi lore that the Empire had been seeking to destroy. Although it has been many years since they last saw one another, Ben knew he would be recognized. 

He can tell you’re already suspicious due to his inability to properly conceal his emotions. It was one reason why he wore his helmet. Even if you can’t feel his emotions like he can feel yours, his face gives away what he's feeling, it always does. Telling you he would stay behind will only raise your suspicions but that will be easier to work around than his cover being blown. You start to roll your speeder down the ramp of your ship but pause when Ben emerges from the cockpit.

“Are you coming with me?” 

“Halfway. I think...I think it's best if I stay with the speeder. I can keep an eye on the ship while you’re in the village. We don’t know what lurks around here at night. If something happens to the speeder it will suck but we can manage. If something happens to the ship we’re screwed,” he says. He gently brushes you aside and starts rolling the speeder down the ramp for you. 

It’s hard to tell if he’s doing it to get out of the ship before you ask more questions or if he's being polite because the speeder's hard to push when it's turned off. Although you know he is lying and withholding information from you, he has a point. You don’t know what lurks around in the dark on Jakku and if something happens to your ship you guys will be stranded.

He hops onto your speeder and turns it on while you lift the ramp behind you. As you approach the speeder, Ben holds out his hand to you to help you on. It's oddly charming to see how polite he is. You reach out to take his hand but pause before you reach it. Not because you don't want to touch him but because of what happened the last time you two had skin on skin contact. The look of rejection on his face is clear, especially once he starts to lower his hand. Before he can, you grab it, lift yourself up, and sit flush against his back. Ben tries not to tense once he feels you press up against him but it's impossible. Especially when you wrap your arms around his waist and hold on to him tightly. The thoughts running through his head are instantly inappropriate. He tries his best to focus on the direction of the village and not how warm you are. 

Your mind is equally distracted by the feel of his back against your chest, the warmth of his waist against your already warm skin, and the very defined abdominal muscles your hands unintentionally feel every time you try to adjust your position on the speeder. You aren’t sure whether you're happy the ride to the village is a short one. Part of you wants to put some distance between the two of you. The other part of you wants to stay pressed up against his back because you enjoy the way his body feels against yours. It’s definitely the latter.

Ben slows the speeder when the village comes into view and stops in the outskirts to ensure none of the villagers can hear or see you approach. Instead of holding out his hand to help you off the speeder, he jumps off of it completely. You can feel his anxiety climb as he decides his next move. Quickly, as if to prevent himself from backing out, he puts a hand on each side of your waist and lifts you off the seat. The feel of his large warm hands on your body makes you gasp as he sets you down directly in front of him. If you raise your hand out in front of you, you'll be able to rest it on his chest. The close proximity between the two of you is distracting you from the fact that he still hasn't removed his hands from your waist. You glance up at him only to see him staring down at you with a rather intense look on his face. For a second, you think he might kiss you. The way his eyes dart from your lips to your eyes is suggesting as much. Your heart is beating out of your chest and you pray he isn't able to hear it considering how close your body is to his. You don't want to ruin whatever moment the two of you seem to be having but standing so close to him in silence, while he apparently has an internal argument with himself, is starting to get uncomfortable.

“Ben?” you whisper.

As expected, you ruin the moment. He glances away from you and shakes his head a bit as if the action would clear his mind. Pulling his hands away from you, he quickly takes a step back to put more space between the two of you. Even in the low light of the moon, you can tell he's blushing.

“I’ll wait here,” he says in a raspier than usual tone. When he notices, he quickly clears his throat before speaking again. “Don’t leave the village until I come back for you sweetheart,” he hops back onto the speeder and glances toward the ship. The term of endearment slipped out of his mouth before he even realizes it. It doesn’t slip past you though and it freezes you to the spot. 

_“I’ll come back for you sweetheart I promise,”_ was something you've replayed in your mind since you were younger. The phrase you thought your father had said to you prior to abandoning you. It was obvious Ben has no idea how the statement affects you or what it means to you. Because of how shy he is and how easily he gets flustered, you doubt he even realizes he called you sweetheart. That doesn’t matter though. What matters is that he _did_ say it and how familiar it sounded when he did.

Ben is still looking away from you when he realizes not only have you not moved, but you also haven’t said a word. He quickly turns to face you and is taken aback. The color has completely drained from your face and your eyes are wide. He glances at your hands and notices they are slightly trembling. Worried, he quickly gets off the speeder and walks up to you. Hesitantly he places both hands on your shoulders and looks down and into your eyes. His brow furrows and his concern for you is evident. How close you feel to him in such a short amount of time frightens you.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he scans your face for any telltale signs of what caused such a strong reaction out of you.

“What did you say?” you whisper.

His frown deepens while he thinks about what he had said. “I said don’t leave the village until I come back for you sweet-” he pauses and swallows thickly. He hadn’t meant to call you sweetheart, he hadn’t even realized he'd said it. It just slipped out and he can feel his cheeks warm with embarrassment at the realization. Looking down at you his frown lessens but the expression on his face says something different. He isn’t sure why calling you ‘sweetheart’ upsets you but he'd be lying if he said it didn't sting a bit. He releases your shoulders and takes a step back.

“I apologize. I didn’t mean to call you. . I’m sorry if I upset you,” he says with indifference. While the tone of his voice may indicate he doesn't care, his face betrays him. You inadvertently hurt his feelings. 

“Ben...it’s not...it’s not what you think. I-”

“It’s fine,” he snaps and turns his back to you. The change in his behavior is instantaneous. He went from nervous and awkward to cold and standoffish so fast it gives you whiplash. It’s like there are two people inside him and they’re both battling for dominance. You hate it.

“Hey!” You yell at him. He instantly turns back to face you, a hint of shock is evident on his face as he watches you angrily approach him. Your tone and aggressiveness has taken him by surprise. You’re frowning and have one hand clenched and resting against your hip while the other is pointing at his chest.

“Cut the shit, Ben! It has nothing to do with you calling me ‘sweetheart’ so stop being self-absorbed. It’s actually pretty flattering, to be honest. You don’t know anything about my past and we don’t have time to get into it right now. We have shit to do. Maybe if you’re nicer to me and we have time I’ll explain why that caught me off guard but right now I need you to just...just...trust that it has nothing to do with you got it??” you seethe. 

You aren’t sure why his behavior angers you and you definitely aren’t sure why you are as angry as you are over something so inconsequential. Once you calm down enough to acknowledge your overreaction, you glance up at him. The mask of indifference is gone once again. This time he’s looking at you with curiosity, as if you’re a puzzle he can’t quite put together. Being scrutinized so intensely makes you nervous and you start to fidget from one foot to the other under the weight of his gaze. A sound in the direction of the village gets your attention but not his. He just continues staring at you. 

“Ugh, whatever,” you huff before turning your back on him to walk to the village.

Ben watches as you walk away in a huff. He didn't realize he had been rudely staring at you in silence until you angrily left. Quite frankly, your sudden angry outburst generally surprised him. Since meeting you he hadn't seen your temper make an appearance. Even when fighting the stormtroopers you had taken everything in stride, amused at times even. His sudden emotional detachment apparently was what it takes to see the other side of you and he isn’t sure how he feels about it.

That's his goal though, isn’t it? To turn you to the dark side willingly. At first, he was afraid it would be harder than he had expected considering your behavior thus far. Now, he isn’t so sure. There is darkness in you whether you know it or not. Snapping over something so small and unimportant doesn’t mean you're going to sprint towards the dark side but it proves it isn’t impossible. The task Snoke gave him may not be as difficult as he expected and he should be happy about that. Except he isn’t, not at all, and that's a problem.

* * *

By the time you reach the village, your temper has cooled. You're still irritated with Ben but also with yourself for your behavior. However, ‘sorry' isn’t a word you say often and you don’t intend to start saying it now, regardless of how attractive Ben is and how sweet he can be without realizing it. When you first enter the village you're afraid you may be met with hostility. Your hand hovers over the hilt of your lightsaber, just in case. Everyone keeps to themselves and continues with whatever nightly routine they have, everyone except one man. The older man, whom you assume is Lor San Tekka, walks out of his hut and immediately turns in your direction, meets your eyes, and gestures for you to follow him. 

Without hesitation, you quickly follow him into a small hut. It's small and obviously not meant for more than two people. The thought of Ben's large frame trying to fit inside the hut with the two of you almost makes you laugh out loud. A small fire dances in a makeshift fire pit that's located in the center of the room. He gestures for you to take a seat across from where he is sitting. 

“Thank you. . Lor San Tekka?” You ask quietly with a tilt to your tone that emphasizes how unsure you are about his identity. Thankfully, the older man gives you a small smile followed by a quick nod. For a moment you're afraid he's mute due to his lack of verbal communication thus far. To your relief, he starts to speak.

“Did the Princess send you to me?” His voice is wary but not from mistrust, but from age. The voice of a man who has seen quite a bit in his lifetime and is, quite frankly, over it. Why else would someone choose to live on a planet like Jakku?

“Um. Kinda?” You say with uncertainty because in a way she did but not directly. You wouldn’t be there without her but she hadn’t given you a direct order or anything. “She sent someone she trusted to find me. They were hoping I’d join the Resistance or at least find Luke and talk him into helping them.”

“And have you made a decision?”

You can’t help but feel like he is either testing you or knows more about the situation than he’s letting on. He isn’t force-sensitive, at least you don’t think so. His eyes give him away, just like Ben’s do. Lor is a lot wiser than he lets on and your answers to whatever questions he asks are more important to your interaction than they seem.

“Yes and no. I hadn’t planned on joining the Resistance until stupid Poe found me on Batuu. The First Order found him, which exposed me, and now they’re after me and my friend Ben too. The Resistance seems like the safest bet but I might try and find Luke first. Three force users are better than two. I’m hoping the three of us with the Resistance will be able to quickly end the war so I can get on with my life.”

Out of everything you said, the last thing you assumed the old man would focus on is the mention of Ben but apparently, that’s the only thing that grabbed his attention.

“Your friend Ben? Did he accompany you here to Jakku?”

“Uh yeah. He said it would be best to stay with the speeder and the ship just in case something happens.”

“Did he tell you what his family name is? How did you meet him?”

Your eyes narrow slightly as his line of questioning quickly veers off track. You already assumed the old man in front of you and Ben have at least met in the past but the man's extreme interest in Bed adds more fuel to that assumption. You're really curious to know how they know each other but you’re there for a reason and you're probably short on time.

“Calrissian. His name is Ben Calrissian. The First Order was after Poe and I. I held them off so Poe could get away in his X-Wing. A bunch of stormtroopers were after me. I held my own for a while but I was outnumbered. Ben came out of nowhere, literally, and helped me get away. He said he was looking for the Resistance and wanted to come with me wherever I was going to avoid the First Order since he's a Force user too. So I let him tag along. He doesn't know why I'm here though. Why are you so interested in him? If you want I can go get him and you can question him. I honestly don’t know that much about him and he really doesn’t know that much about me. We’ve been too busy running away to have a heart to heart,” you say with a hint of annoyance. 

Lor had broken eye contact with you around the time you told him what Ben’s family name was and has been staring into the fire intensely ever since. You feel bad for almost snapping at him, especially since you need his help. Answering a million questions about Mr. Tall Pale and Handsome who is currently waiting for you back at your ship, was a small price to pay for what you needed from the old man.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude. I really don’t know much about him though. I just know I can trust him. We have a strange. . connection. I can tell you’re not a Force user but I know with every fiber of my being that I can trust him and right now that’s enough for me. At least until the First Order is off of my back. I don’t know how much time we have before they find us here and I don’t want our presence to endanger you and your village.”

Thankfully, the old man chuckles and glances at you. “No need to apologize, girl,” he says as he pulls a small leather bag from his cowl. He gestures for you to give him your hand. When you do, he places it in your palm and closes your fingers around it. Without opening the bag you can already tell it’s another data chip which means you now know where to find Luke.

“How did you get half of the map? The half Poe and Leia gave me said ‘Jakku’ and your name. That’s how I knew to come here but it didn’t say anything else,” you ask curiously. The old man smiles but doesn't answer your question so you sigh and look away. You're getting tired of having so many unanswered questions.

“Well...thanks I guess. If all goes well I’ll find Luke and drag him back to Leia. I wouldn’t be able to do it without your help,” you say while untying the leather pouch and dumping the data chip into your palm. You unzip the pocket on your thigh and slide the new data chip in with the one Poe gave you. After zipping your pocket closed and ensuring both are safe, you hand Lor the now empty leather pouch.

He shrugs nonchalantly at your gratitude. “I’ve traveled too far and I've seen too much to ignore the collective anguish that threatens to drown the galaxy in a flood of darker despair. Something must be done whatever the cost, whatever the danger.”

“That’s...intense,” you murmur. You aren’t dumb, you know how serious the situation is but outside of what is happening to you and Ben, you haven’t really considered the state of the galaxy and everyone the war is affecting.

* * *

  
  


Ben is sitting on the speeder, halfway between the village and your ship, ensuring it's within his line of sight at all times. So far it's been eerily quiet since you stormed off. He thought he would welcome the silence, assuming it would give him time to think over what had happened thus far and what move he should make next. Instead, the silence is making him uncomfortable and if he was being honest with himself, so is being apart from you.

The silence is giving him time to over-analyze the wrong things, things that should be the furthest from his mind. Instead of thinking of ways to lure you to the dark, he’s thinking about how good it felt to have you pressed against him like you were meant to be there. He’s thinking about how for the first time since he can remember, he doesn’t feel alone. He feels needed and wanted even though he knows you would be more than fine on your own. You could have easily told him to kriff off when he asked to leave Batuu with you, but you didn’t. You trusted him enough to tell him at least part of the reason why he’s currently sitting in the middle of the desert alone.

He has yet to address the connection to you he felt and quite frankly, he isn’t sure he wants to. He doesn’t know how to bring it up without sounding awkward and he’s afraid the connection he feels to you is one-sided. Being lonely isn’t a new feeling for him but it will be considerably more intense if the one person he begins to feel close to doesn’t feel the same way. The look on your face when he placed his hands on your hips suggests you feel it too but he’s horrible with people and he isn’t sure whether or not he’s reading the signs right. 

Another frightening thought comes to mind. Snoke. Since he was younger Snoke had been in and out of his head. Coming and going as if there’s a revolving door into his mind that he can easily walk through whenever he wants to. At any time Snoke can peer in and see how conflicted he is about you. He will be able to see how so far he hadn’t made much progress with you. The connection Ben feels to you would be very interesting to Snoke and the thought of what he may do with that information made a chill run up his spine. He has known you for a very short time and already has strong confusing feelings for you and these feelings threaten to change the life he has started to build for himself. 

Groaning he runs both hands through his hair then over his face. You’ve been gone for quite a while, at least it feels like it’s been a while. He’s debating whether or not to go check on you when the sound of a ship breaking through the atmosphere makes the decision for him. Two transport ships, undoubtedly filled with stormtroopers, are slowly descending on the other side of the village. Without hesitating, Ben starts the speeder and speeds as fast as he can in your direction. The risk of Lor exposing his true identity is nothing compared to the risk of you getting caught or worse, killed.

* * *

Both you and Lor hear the sound of ships breaking through the planet's atmosphere. The two of you look at one another before you stand and peek your head out of the entrance to the hut. At a distance, you can see the lights of two transport ships heading towards you. Both are still quite a distance away but it won’t take them long to reach the village. You feel Ben’s anxiety spike around the same time which means he sees the ships and is likely on his way to you. You expected Lor to be up and grabbing his belongings so he could make a run for it but he did no such thing. He remains seated and appears to be completely unphased by the impending doom that is heading your way.

“Uh sir, not to be presumptuous but you need to hide or leave. There are two First Order transport ships heading this way. The other villagers are making a run for it. No disrespect but I can’t imagine you getting very far in the middle of the night on your own. Ben's on his way here, he heard them too. You can come with us on my ship and we can drop you off somewhere safe or take you back to Leia. Where you go doesn’t really matter you just need to leave right now,” you say urgently. To your dismay, he doesn't move an inch. 

“Not to overstate the obvious but it is _you_ that needs to leave,” the old man says with a smirk.

“With all due respect-”

“We need to leave right now!” Ben yells as he barges into the hut while looking over his shoulder.

When he turns to face you he freezes the moment his eyes land on the old man. Lor doesn’t seem to be nearly as taken aback by Ben’s sudden intrusion. Something tells you he's just a lot better at concealing his emotions than Ben is. Ben’s anxiety spikes to an all-time high confirming what you already suspected, they knew one another. He swallows thickly and tears his eyes away from the old man to look at you. “We have to go now. The First Order will be here any minute,” he says while quickly glancing from the old man then back to you.

“Ben. . _Calrissian_ is it?” The old man asks while his eyes bore into Ben who is practically sweating at this point.

Ben gives him a small nod while maintaining eye contact, the mask of cold indifference is back. You can feel the anxiety slowly turning into anger and you have no idea why. Unfortunately, you don’t have time to ask. You grab Ben’s hand and give it a tug, the mask slips as he turns away from Lor to look at you but your attention is back on Lor who still hasn't looked away from Ben. You try to release Ben’s hand but he interlaces your fingers and holds on tight as if you're the only thing keeping him calm.

“Sir, please. We can’t leave you here and it’s safe to assume what will happen if you stay.”

“You got what you came for and now it’s time for you to leave. Ensure what you’re doing is not done in vain.”

You know no matter what you say to the old man he isn’t going to budge and you don't have time to argue with him. Although it's his choice to stay, it's hard not to feel like you're signing his death sentence. 

“We have to go,” Ben murmurs into your ear while glancing back to Lor. You sigh and give the old man a quick nod. As you’re about to exit the hut, the old man speaks and you know what he has to say isn’t directed at you. When you turn to look at him he's staring at Ben’s back which is now extremely tense. 

“You cannot deny the truth that is your family,” he glances away from Ben and looks directly at you. “Without the Jedi, there can be no balance in the Force, and all will be given to the dark side.”  
  


The look of confusion on your face is clear as you glance between Lor and Ben. There’s no point in wasting any more time in the hut. Stormtroopers are on their way and even if they weren’t, the men in the tent aren’t going to answer any of your questions. Ben squeezes your hand once and glances at you, silently pleading with you to end the conversation so the two of you can leave without another confrontation with the First Order. You gave Lor one more small nod of understanding which he returns with a smirk. Turning away from him you squeeze Ben’s hand and leave the hut. His anxiety and anger return in full force but so has his unease. He’s been conflicted over something since meeting him and the intensity of whatever is causing it is only getting stronger the longer the two of you are together. Ben’s brow is furrowed with irritation and his stride is a lot bigger than it was in the past, making it hard for you to keep up with him. He is practically dragging you back to the speeder. 

“Ben either slow down or let go of my hand! You’re practically dragging me through the sand. I can run on my own but I can’t keep up with your long-ass legs,” you huff.

The sound of the approaching troopers is only getting louder and so is the sound of the panicking villagers. You know that even if Ben throws you over his shoulder, there is no way the two of you will make it to the speeder unseen. Apparently Ben is thinking along the same lines as you are because he grabs you and throws you over his shoulder. You yelp, not expecting him to actually do it. 

“Ben what the kriff!” You say louder than you intended.

He sets you down behind a large cluster of boulders, halfway between the village and the speeder. By the time the two of you are crouched down and concealed, the troopers have filed into the village and are spreading out. You watch as they search the village, marching the innocent villagers into the center of the small group of huts that compose the village. You know what’s going to happen the moment the troopers force them onto their knees. 

Your hand is hovering over the blaster at your hip and twitching. Crouched to your right, Ben watches the scene unfolding in front of you but says nothing. When you glance at him he looks on with a look you can’t quite decipher. He's clenching his jaw and biting the inside of his cheek. You've seen him do that in the past but haven’t quite figured out what emotion he's trying to hide when he does it. You've never thought about being able to read someone's mind in the past but with Ben, you wish you had the ability to do so. Your attention turns back towards the village when you hear Lor San Tekka speak. He is being forced onto his knees next to the villagers. A large stormtrooper in chrome armor paces back and forth down the line of villagers, stopping in front of Lor. 

“Lor San Tekka is it? Where are the girl and the boy? We have received information suggesting they are seeking you out.”

The color drains from your face and you gasp. Ben is quick to cover your mouth with his large hand. When your eyes dart to him he gives you an apologetic look. You know they're after you but you had no idea they are tracking you so closely. Whatever is about to happen to the innocent people in front of you will be completely your fault. Not only that but they’re also now after Ben, just as he expected they would be.

Ben knew what was about to happen and based on your reaction he knew you did as well. He had followed Snoke’s orders enough to know how Phasma was planning to deal with Lor, with or without his cooperation. It would be hard for him to act shocked and upset by the execution he was about to witness considering the amount he had been ordered to carry out himself. He isn’t sure how much death and/or violence you’ve experienced in your life but he knows for a fact it isn’t as much as he has. The guilt and helplessness you felt is already seeping into his veins. 

He has no idea how to make the situation better. There are too many troopers to fight this time. He has to try and get the two of you to your ship, sooner rather than later. Ben knew after killing the villagers, Phasma would probably order the village to be burned down and the area to be searched. You guys will be screwed if you're still hovering when she gives the order.

“I’ll give you one more chance, old man. Where are they? We know they came here to Jakku. You have ties to the Resistance. There is no other reason for them to visit this mudball of a planet. Where are they?” Phasma asks again. The little patience she has is slowly depleting and it’s obvious. The old man looks as if he’s about to answer her but instead, he turns his head towards where you and Ben are hiding. 

“You know where you belong and if you don’t, you will.” He turns his head back to Phasma, challenging her with his eyes. Silently letting her know no matter what she does, he won’t be giving her any information. 

“On my command!” Phasma yells. 

The stormtroopers line up behind the kneeling villagers. Phasma stands in front of Lor San Tekka and raises her blaster.

Without hesitation, your hand goes back to your blaster as you try to stand. Before you can move, Ben places your face in both his hands. You open your mouth to speak but stop when your eyes meet his. He slowly shakes his head to let you know there is no way to help them and there is no way he's letting you go. You feel your eyes well up with tears as you stare into his.

"There's nothing we can do. There's too many of them," Ben says quietly. 

"Fire!" Phasma yells.

The sound of blaster fires echoes throughout the desert. You try to turn your head to look over the boulder but Ben's grip on you is firm. His perfectly placed mask of indifference slips when your lip starts to tremble and a few tears slide down your cheeks. He slowly uses his thumbs to gently wipe away each one. He can hear the troopers spreading out and as predicted, he hears Phasma giving orders to destroy the village.

“We have to go right _now_ ,” he whispers. “I left the speeder running we just have to get to it undetected. When we speed off the sound is going to get their attention. We need to get off Jakku immediately. We aren’t going to have time to load the speeder onto the ship. It’s staying here. The minute we get to the ship you get to the cockpit and start her up. I’ll make sure the ramp is up and that they’re not too close behind us.”

Your chest begins to rise and fall quickly as you begin to breathe heavily. Your eyes are closed and Ben isn't sure if you're even listening to him anymore. He's taken aback when the sadness that is rolling off of you in waves vanishes and is slowly morphing into a thick red hot rage. He can feel the dark side practically lapping at your feet. Your rage is so intense you’re practically trembling. This should thrill him knowing how close you are to letting the power of the dark side in but he isn’t. Instead of talking you through it, coaxing you to accept it, he does the opposite.

"Look at me," he whispers to you. "I know you're upset and I know you feel guilty but you need to calm down. I...I can feel the darkness flowing through you. Don't let it. Once you go down that path it's almost impossible to come back from it." When you don't respond he gently leans closer to you and places his forehead against yours. He isn't sure if it would work but he closes his eyes and focuses on sending you his emotions, hoping it’s even possible to do so. A wave of concern flows through you a moment later. He's worried about you and he's making sure you know it. 

"Sweetheart?" he whispers. The term of endearment once again shocks you. Your eyes shoot open and for the first time, you realize just how close he is to you. You move your hands to cover his which are still cradling your face. 

"Sorry," you mumble with embarrassment. You've always had issues controlling your temper but it seems to be getting worse and you have no idea why.

“Are you ready?” he asks quietly as his voice wavers slightly. The combination of his skin touching yours, the look on your face, and the small amount of space between the two of you is affecting him in a way that’s completely inappropriate considering the situation you're in. Regardless, he knows with certainty that if you two weren’t in yet another life or death situation, he would have kissed you. You give him a small nod before taking your hands off of his. The two of you stand but remain slightly hunched over as you start to make your way toward the speeder. Before you have a chance to take a step, Ben grabs your hand and interlaces your fingers. A second later and the two of you are running.

* * *

The blaster fire starts when you're halfway to the speeder. The troopers begin calling out to others. What were two troopers shooting at you quickly multiplies. You aren’t sure if this group has speeders with them but you hope you'll be able to get to the ship before you find out. When you're a stone's throw away from the speeder, Ben grabs you around the waist and practically throws you onto it. The moment Ben is seated you accelerate and race through the Jakku desert toward your ship.

You don’t bother looking back to see if you're being followed. Random blaster fire occasionally flies by your head to answer the unasked question. Ben alternates between shooting back and stopping them with the Force. He jumps off the speeder before you've brought it to a complete stop in front of your ship. He's lowering the ramp when you swing your legs to the side to hop off your speeder. Before you can, his hands are on your waist, and he's lowering you to the ground. Deep down, you know you should be at least a little insulted by the way he is constantly manhandling you. You aren't though and you aren't sure whether it's because of his size, his mannerisms, or because you crave intimacy in one form or another. You realize at that moment just how foreign that desire is and it manifested the moment the cute puzzling boy in front of you fell from the sky. 

As soon as your feet are on the ground and the ramp is low enough that you can squeeze through it, you enter your ship and run to the cockpit, flipping switches and starting it up. Blaster fire starts bouncing off the ship not long after you start it but you manage to get the shields up before it can take too much damage. Ben should be on the ship by now but he isn't and you can't hear him. As soon as he's in the ship you're going to leave the cursed planet known as Jakku. 

_“Ben where the hell are you?”_ You think to yourself.

“I’m right here go!” Ben yells as he makes his way towards you. His hair is damp with sweat and sticking to the side of his face and neck. You have to force yourself to turn your attention back to escaping unharmed instead of the way Ben's skin is glistening. As the ship begins to ascend, something somewhat unsettling crosses your mind.

“Right now. . when you said ‘I’m right here go,’ was that in response to something I said, or were you just yelling to let me know you were on the ship?”

“What?” he asks confused. “How do you not know the answer to that? Of course, I responded to you. You asked where the hell I was and I responded,” he says as he finishes buckling himself into the co-pilot’s seat.

When he looks up at you, he notices your hands are shaking slightly while steering the ship out of Jakku's atmosphere and he isn’t sure why. He considers maybe you’re still upset over what happened at the village but the emotion he's sensing from you isn’t the same as it was back at the village. It was fear and confusion.

“What’s wrong?”

“We can talk about it once we get the hell away from Jakku,” you say meekly. 

The tone of your voice unsettles him more. His brow furrows and he bites the inside of his cheek. Once you leave Jakku’s atmosphere and are once again blanketed in the comforting nothingness of space, the two of you unbuckle your safety belts and relax for what feels like the first time in days. 

“Tell me what happened when we were taking off that had you visibly shaking. You were scared and confused. I could fe-” he stops before finishing his sentence. The two of you haven’t discussed how either of you is able to feel the other’s emotions out of fear it was one-sided.

“You can feel my emotions too?” You ask quietly as if someone may overhear the private conversation the two of you are having. Ben's adam's apple bob up and down before he nods.

“Since when?” 

“Since we touched on Batuu,” he responds quietly without making eye contact with you. He is suddenly very interested in his hands which are resting in his lap. 

“I feel it too,” you murmured. Ben’s head jerks up and his eyes seek out yours. 

“You do?”

You nod. You both stare back at one another, neither knowing where to go from here or what to say.

“Will you please tell me what had you so freaked out when we left Jakku? Aside from what happened in the village, did something else happen?”

You bite your lip nervously and you notice Ben's eyes are immediately drawn to the action. Telling someone you just communicated with them telepathically and unintentionally isn’t something you thought you would ever have to do. Especially now that you both know the connection you feel to one another is a lot deeper than you originally thought. You can tell he's getting frustrated so to avoid an argument you confess.

“Remember when I said ‘Ben where the hell are you?’ before you entered the cockpit?”

“Yes. . “ he says hesitantly.

“Yeah, so I didn’t actually say that.”

“What? What do you mean you didn’t say that? I heard you.”

“I didn’t say it...verbally...I...I thought it,” you say without taking your eyes off of his face. He stares back at you and opens his mouth to speak before closing it again. You sigh and rub your face with both hands.

“You...let that sink in. I’ll be back in a minute,” you say as you leave the cockpit. Once in your sleeping quarters, you lock the door behind you and pull out both data chips. After inserting them both into the datapad lying on your bed, a hologram of both pieces to the map appear and merge into one. Luke's whereabouts are no longer a mystery. 

Luke is on Ahch-to. 

You've never heard of Ahch-To before so if you decide to find Luke you'll be screwed without the map. Finding Luke is still something you haven’t completely decided on but you know you need to soon. Now that you know where he is, should you go looking for him yourself or should you contact Poe with the information and let him handle it? Should you tell Ben what you’re actually doing and why you went to Jakku? You definitely trust him but do you trust him enough to tell him about Luke and his location? If you decide to go yourself will Ben want to come? Should you even bring him? What if he doesn’t want to go with you? Do you part ways and never see one another again? 

It’s a possibility but you aren’t sure having such a deep connection with someone to the point of being able to hear each other's thoughts is something that happens often. If he decides to leave you, is the connection you two have something you're willing to forget about? Is forgetting about him even possible? What if he starts to hear your thoughts all the time? He’ll find out about Luke before you even have a chance to explain. That thought makes you panic. As if on cue, Ben knocks and asks if everything is okay. You quickly shut off the datapad and slipped both data chips back into your pocket before opening the door.

“Are you okay? You were panicking. . or starting to,” he glances away from you. His cheeks redden after openly acknowledging his ability to feel your emotions for the first time and making his concern for you obvious.

“Are _you_ okay?” 

“Yes...no...I think we need to talk.”

“About?” You ask suspiciously. There are a variety of things you two need to discuss at some point. You have no idea how much he knows or what he wants to talk about. Either way, it makes you anxious.

“Obviously there’s something going on between us. Whatever it is it’s not . . from what I know of the Force. . it’s not something that regular Force users have the ability to do.” You nod in agreement. “I think you should tell me where exactly we are going and why? You told me you had to meet someone on Jakku but you didn't tell me _why_ you needed to meet him. I’d like to know what that reason was.”

“Ben...I-”

“Do you trust me?” He interrupts you.

You open your mouth to speak but close it before you say anything. You do trust him, probably more than you should considering how little you know about him. But you do trust him. 

“Yes,” you say quietly.

“Then why can’t you trust me enough to tell me what your plan is? What _our_ plan is?” 

Your breath hitches. "Our plan?" you murmur and look up at him confused. Is he planning on staying with you after all? 

He steps closer to you until the two of you are a breath away from one another. His hands begin to tremble as he places one hand on each side of your face like he had on Jakku. Leaning over slightly he brings his face close to yours while staring into your eyes.

“Please?” he says as his lips ghost across your cheek.

“Ben,” you whisper.

He tilts his face just slightly, his lips slowly make their way from your cheek to the corner of your mouth. Just as his lips are about to reach yours, alarms begin to blare throughout the ship. The two of you instantly pull apart, your eyes widen with fear, and the anxiety you both feel skyrockets between the two of you. Before you can reach the pilot's seat, a blast to the side of the ship causes it to shake violently. The impact knocks you off your feet and throws you against the side of the ship. A sharp shooting pain sears from the side of your head as your vision blurs. The intensity of the alarm begins to fade and your eyes suddenly feel extremely heavy. The last thing you see before everything goes black is the panicked look on Ben's face as he repeatedly calls out to you.  
  
  



	4. Afraid of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You crash on a familiar planet. Baby Ben is catching feels and he doesn't know what to do about it. You're not as tough as you think. There may be some cuddling.

* * *

_“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark;_   
_the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”_   
_-Plato_

* * *

The smell of something burning nearby tells you things have gone horribly wrong before you even open your eyes. Your muscles are a bit sore but your body seems to be okay, aside from your head which feels like it might actually explode. Part of you is resting on the ground but the upper half of your body is leaning against something warm and familiar, Ben. His face is the first thing you see when you open your eyes. He's paler than usual, bleeding, and looks _extremely_ freaked out.

"Oh thank god," he sighs and pulls you closer to him.

This is the closest you've been to him aside from him almost kissing you on your ship. He's holding onto you like you're something extremely precious to him. It's a nice feeling, confusing, but nice. His familiar scent washes over you, a mixture of sandalwood and mahogany and you can't help but take a deep breath while he's holding you against his chest.

"What happened? How long have I been out?" Your voice is hoarse and cracks slightly. He gently releases you from his hug once you start to sit up on your own. You don't get very far before the pain in your head causes you to wince. Ben has his arm behind your back and uses it to help you sit up. Once you're upright you notice your surroundings. You're completely surrounded by trees and sitting in the middle of a forest. The sound of fire crackling to your left catches your attention and your eyes land on the source of the sound, your ship completely engulfed in flames. 

Your head snaps back to Ben and you gasp, the movement makes the pain in your head intensify. The first thought that runs through your head is the com unit Poe had given you and the data chips. Your hand immediately taps the zipped-up pocket on your thigh and relief washes over you once you feel the two data chips are still secured there. Ben gives you a curious look and glances at your pocket then at you. Your blaster and your lightsaber are both secured on your belt underneath your cowl. Aside from the com unit, you still had everything that is important to you. It seems like Ben made sure you had your belongings before the ship crashed. When you look at Ben you notice the strap to his satchel is still across his chest. He hadn't lost anything in the crash either.

"A couple of TIE's followed us from Jakku. You hit your head pretty hard and blacked out after the ship took its first blast. The shields were up but there was only so much damage a ship like that can take. I managed to take them both out but before I shot down the last one, it got a couple of good shots in and the systems started to fail. I managed to get us to the nearest planet. As you can see, the landing didn't go very well. You've been out for a couple of hours."

While he's talking your eyes are scanning his body from head to toe to assess his injuries. He's a little paler than usual, there's a gash above his right eye that is still bleeding a little, and his left cheekbone is purple and bruised. His jacket is torn on one of the shoulders exposing a bit of skin, which is also bloody and discolored. Unless there are internal injuries you can't see, he appears to be okay. When you reach up and touch his cheekbone with the back of your hand, he winces but leans into your touch. 

“Well we’re not dead so there’s that at least. Where are we?”

“Takodana,” Ben says as he glances over his shoulder. 

“Really? How far are we from Maz’s?” 

“You...you know Maz?” He asks hesitantly as his eyes momentarily meet yours before he looks away again. 

“Yes. When I was younger I met her after stopping here while on a job. Do _you_ know her Ben?” He pauses and looks towards the still burning ship when he responds. “No. I’ve only been to Takodana once but never met Maz. I’ve just heard stories about her.” Lies. 

“Riiiiight. Well, she always insists I stay with her instead of on my ship whenever I’m here. She also likes to force-feed me so if we can find a way to her castle we’ll be set until we can figure out how to get another ship. I have some credits but not enough for a new ship. I’m sure she’ll be willing to help if she’s around.” You study his face while speaking to gauge his reaction. He's clenching his jaw so hard you're surprised his teeth haven’t shattered.

He knows Maz and just like with Lor, something must have happened between them for him to react the way he is by the mere mention of her. It's obvious he's not too keen on the idea of finding her and asking her for help. This time he doesn't have the option to hang back and wait with the ship like he did on Jakku. You're interested to see what lie he's going to come up with to avoid seeing her. Irritated with him, you start to move out of his lap, doing your best not to move your head too much. Once you're away from him you mentally prepare yourself for the pain you're going to be in once you stand. Before you can attempt to stand on your own, two arms slide underneath yours and lift you onto your feet.

“I don’t need your help!” you growl. He releases you and lifts his hands in surrender. After taking a few steps away from him, you close your eyes, do your best to clear your mind, and focus on the force. With any luck, you'll be able to figure out where the two of you are and how far away you are from Maz's castle.

“What’s wrong?” The hurt and confusion he felt when you snapped at him dissipates as his temper slowly starts to rise. Which is fine with you because you're just as angry.

“A lot of things are wrong Ben!” You yell while gesturing to your surroundings. 

“You’re lying. Yes, our situation isn’t ideal but you weren’t upset about it until just now,” he frowns and crosses his arms over his chest. Even though he's bloody and bruised, the simple action is extremely attractive which only pisses you off more. 

Of course, you're lying but you don't like being called out on it. Especially when he's being a hypocrite. The situation you two are in could definitely be a lot worse. Yes, your ship is gone and you're in the middle of the forest but you're on a familiar planet that happens to be where Maz is, hopefully. You're both not dead and in relatively good shape considering the rough landing. You're not mad about the situation you're in or your surroundings, you're mad at him.

“Just...leave me alone Ben,” you frown.

“No.”

“Excuse me?” 

“I said no. We need each other. Especially if we want to get off of this planet and away from the First Order alive.”

“Wrong. I’ve been on my own for quite a long time and I've managed just fine. If I _did_ need someone, it wouldn’t be someone who is lying to me.”

Saying you don't need anyone stings him a bit more than he'd ever admit. He buries that feeling and lets it turn into anger, something he's far more comfortable with. Especially once you call him a liar. Yes, he's lied and kept things from you but he knows you're definitely lying and keeping things from him as well. You told him you trusted him but that's obviously not true. He knows you shouldn't trust him and he has no right to be mad about it. The whole reason he's here with you is to turn you to the dark side and take you to Snoke. Aside from his first name, everything he's told you is a lie. If he calmed down and took a step back he'd be able to acknowledge he has no reason to be upset with you. The only reason he is so defensive and angry is because he knows you're right and dangerously close to figuring out exactly who he is and why he sought you out. But Ben is rarely able to calm down once his emotions take over. So instead of trying to diffuse the situation, he adds fuel to the fire.

"You're a hypocrite! Do you think I don't know you're keeping things from me as well? You obviously lied when you said you trusted me. If you did, you wouldn't be keeping things from me either!" He yells and closes the distance between you while pointing a finger at you angrily.

"I've omitted certain things, yes. But I've _never_ lied to you! I trust you to not kill me. I trust you to keep me safe. Do I trust you with everything? Do I trust you with information that can put others in danger? No. I don't. Kriff! I've probably told you more than I should have already considering you won't even tell me your real name." To your satisfaction, the color drains from his face a bit, further confirming what you had originally suspected. He gave you a fake name.

"I'm not as dumb as you may think and you're a horrible liar when caught off guard. If you don't want to give me your real name that's fine. I don't care but don't you _dare_ say shit to me about trust," you yell while standing directly in front of him and poking him in the chest. You'd feel a lot more intimidating if the man wasn't over 6 feet tall and towering over you. 

“Deception by omission of the truth is just as bad as a lie,” he says through gritted teeth. The two of you seethe and stare each other down. Anger and guilt are coming off of him in waves. Does he feel guilty because he knows you're right or is there something else causing him to feel that way? 

“Well, at least that’s settled. We’re both liars and we don’t trust one another. Glad we got that out of the way,” you scoff and cross your arms. 

You weren’t lying when you said you don’t need anyone because you don’t. You're fine on your own, you always have been, and you always will be. Do you want to be alone? No, not really. You're getting used to having Ben around and you enjoy his company. The two of you are too irritated with each other to stop and consider that. Even though you haven’t flat out said ‘yes I am lying and keeping things from you,’ neither one of you deny the accusations. Tired of the silent stare down, you turn your back to him once more and walk in the direction you're hoping will get you to Maz. Part of you hopes Ben will come after you but the other part of you knows he probably won't. At least not in the way you want him to.

* * *

The feeling of abandonment slowly makes its way into the mix of emotions Ben is feeling while he watches you walk away from him without so much as a backward glance. He wants to go after you but decides against it, at least not while he's as angry as he is. Since the moment you met you've invoked emotions in him, he didn't know he was capable of feeling. Even though he enjoys the way you make him feel, he knows it's wrong. Part of him wants to go after you and talk to you but he's not sure how to go about it without mentioning Snoke or coming clean about his intentions. Another part of him wants to find you, knock you out, and take you to Snoke by force. He would be going against Snoke’s orders but at least he would have you in his possession. He’d be free of his responsibility to you and would be able to keep his distance but you'd never forgive him. You’d be hurt in more ways than one, especially since Snoke is involved. 

_“Why should you care? The girl has been nothing but a nuisance. She's not your problem and neither is her well-being. Show her who you really are, the mighty Kylo Ren. Show her you will not tolerate being disrespected,”_ the voice inside his head whispered. _“Take her and be done with it.”_

With resolve, Ben starts to walk in the direction you had gone, fully intending to do as the voice advised. However, the further into the forest he gets the more his resolve wavers. He pauses, closes his eyes, and focuses on your Force signature. You're still irritated but not nearly as much as you had been while you two were face to face. To his surprise, you feel the same way he does, guilty and lonely. 

With a sigh, he slows his pace and continues to follow your trail from a distance.

* * *

Takodana is a lot prettier than you remember. You've only been around Maz’s place, never venturing off into the thick forests that cover a majority of the planet. The sound of an animal in the distance grabs your attention and makes you realize that even though you've been to Takodana plenty of times, you're not sure what type of wildlife inhabits the forest you're currently trudging through alone. With that unsettling thought, you remove your lightsaber from your belt and keep it in hand. Should something decide it wants to eat you for dinner, you'll be ready.

While trying not to think about what may be hiding in the trees, you replay the events of the last couple of days over in your mind repeatedly. It's hard to believe how quickly everything spiraled out of control. It's even harder to believe that you're now part of the war. A war that you can't extricate yourself from unless you help one side defeat the other.

Maybe finding Luke really is the best course of action. Not only would it help end the First Order faster but he'd be able to teach you the ways of the Force and the proper way to wield a lightsaber. Ben said he’d teach you what he knows but there hasn’t been any time. The First Order has been a step behind you since Batuu. Even now there’s a good chance they know which planet you guys crashed on and if they haven’t, they'll probably figure it out soon. The one thing you've always prided yourself on is your ability to disappear when you want to but this time it's not working. You aren’t closing yourself off from the force anymore but it should still take them longer to find you. It took Poe a week to find you after you used the Force for the first time in years. 

You stop mid-step when another possibility crosses your mind. Even though everything went to hell when Poe found you, Ben didn't find you until after the First Order arrived. Ever since then they’ve been close behind you. Could Ben actually be with the First Order? You try to shake the thought from your head but it's hard when the pieces fit together. Not to mention he basically admitted to giving you a fake family name. What other reason would he have to lie about something as simple as his name?

He said his parents are dead and he's looking for the Resistance. That might be true but it’s possible he's looking for the Resistance for a far different reason than he originally claimed. The First Order would kill to know the location of their base, and they usually do. That doesn’t explain why he was so hesitant to confront Lor and it doesn’t explain why he lied about having never met Maz. The stormtroopers wouldn’t shoot at him if he was on their side though right? The thoughts rapid firing through your head are only making your migraine worse. 

You don’t want to even consider the possibility of Ben betraying you but things aren't quite adding up and you know he isn’t going to suddenly tell you everything he's keeping from you. The same goes for you though. You can’t tell him about the map, especially now that you're so unsure about his motives. He's tried to kiss you twice, at least you think he did. Would he kiss you to get closer to you, to make you trust him? Does he legitimately have feelings for you? If all of that's bullshit he deserves an award for being so good at lying to your face.

Why you though? Yes, you're Force-sensitive but so is he. Why would the First Order keep one around while wanting all the others dead? Would they really go through all of this trouble to track down a single Force user? It seems a little excessive to go through so much trouble to get to little ol’ you. In the grand scheme of things, you aren’t that important. You're an orphan smuggler (and occasional spice runner), who is now homeless once again. Yes, technically you’d be a big asset to the Resistance because of your ability to use the Force, even more so if you're able to find Luke.

"UGH, This is why I'm better off alone!" You yell out loud.

So lost in thought, you don’t realize the sun's going down and the darkness of the forest is increasing in intensity. You have to find somewhere to camp for the night and fast. Suddenly, you feel a large Force signature headed your way. Without hesitating you activate your lightsaber and get into a battle stance. You have no idea where you learned the stance you're in or how you know it's the fourth of the seven Ataru forms. Right now it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is the thing barreling towards you and quickly closing the distance between you two. When the beast jumps out of the shadows and lunges at you, only one thing crosses your mind-

_“Ben”_

* * *

Ben finds a small cave carved into the side of the mountain that ran along the side of the forested area the two of you are trudging through. Once you're no longer angry, he plans to catch up to you and bring you back to the makeshift shelter he found. The more time he spends alone in the forest, the more time he has to think about the connection the two of you apparently have. He remembers reading about a 'bond' between two Force users when he was younger but he doesn't remember everything that was said. The one thing he does remember is it's extremely rare and hasn't been seen in centuries. Communicating telepathically, regardless of the distance between the two users, is one of the first abilities listed in the Jedi text he had read. Another was sensing the other's emotions. The main ability, and the rarest one, is the ability to project to one another physically. So far the two of you had two of the three abilities which is unsettling and would definitely complicate things further.

Pushing that aside, Ben tries to concentrate on reaching out to you but it feels like he's hitting a wall. Sensing that you're no longer angry, he quickens his pace, hoping to reach you before you walked even further away from the shelter he had found. He's a fair distance behind you when he hears you call out to him faintly through your connection or bond. It's as if you had whispered inside his mind, and your voice was strained and panicked.

_“Ben”_

_“What’s wrong?”_

He feels your anxiety climb as a spike of fear shoots through you. Without waiting for a response, he starts running in your direction. 

_“Run!”_

_“No! I’m coming to you!”_

_“Damn it, Ben! Avoid their tails!”_

_“Their tails?”_

* * *

Neither of you addresses or care that you're having an entire conversation telepathically without being in close proximity to each other. The only thing that matters to Ben is getting to you and figuring out what the hell you're talking about. It doesn't take him long to get to you but once he does, he has a hard time believing what he's seeing. You're standing with your back to him, and swinging your lightsaber wildly at two Vornskr. He isn't sure if you know what you're fighting but he does and they're dangerous. He ignites his borrowed lightsaber and jumps in between you and one of the Vornskr as it lunges at you from behind. He pushes it away using the Force only once before his ability to use the Force is slowly taken away from him.

Ben had read about Vornskr when he was younger but has never seen one in person. The images in his book don’t depict how terrifying the beasts in front of him are. They're a wild and vicious canine species that not only have the ability to sense the Force, but they also have the ability to project a bubble around their prey to prevent them from using the Force. Ben had no idea they were still around and he definitely had no idea there were any on Takodana.

“You won't be able to use the Force once you're close to them and avoid their tails! They're not just sharp, they’re also poisonous and will paralyze you before it finishes you off!” Ben yells while rolling away from you to dodge the Vornskr’s tail.

You can hear Ben yell something but you don't hear what he's saying. You're too focused on the monster in front of you. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you extend your hand to use the Force then pause in confusion when nothing happens. The moment of hesitation gives the Vornskr the opening it needs and it swipes its tail across your calf, quickly slicing it open. You collapse to the ground the moment the tail cuts you open. Getting up is impossible because your arms and legs won't work. All you can do is look between Ben and the monsters closing in on him while lying helplessly on the ground.

Ben yells your name as he watches you go down. 

Jumping over you, he manages to cut one of the Vornskr in half while turning to kick the other one as hard as he can into a tree. With only a moment to spare, he leans down and grabs your lightsaber. Instead of attacking the last Vornskr, he freezes and stares at your saber with his mouth slightly parted with shock. The saber in his hand is not uniquely yours, it belonged to someone else once, just like the one he's currently using. Who your saber previously belonged to is what freezes him in place. The saber in your possession, the one you claim to be yours, once belonged to his grandfather Anakin Skywalker. More commonly known as Darth Vader.

He completely forgets about the Vornskr until it lunges towards him. With both lightsabers activated, one in each hand, he crosses the two blades and angles them in the direction the Vornskr is headed. He watches as the animal sees the crossed blades a second too late and decapitates itself by jumping towards them. While Ben's eyes linger a bit longer on his grandfather's hilt, he deactivates both sabers and hooks them onto his belt. He crouches down next to you and looks you over head to toe, checking for injuries. The only visible wound is the deep gash on your calf that's visibly deep, bleeding profusely, and definitely painful.

For the first time in your life, you're genuinely terrified. Not of Ben, despite the way he reacted once he held your lightsaber. The inability to move your body and the vulnerability that comes with it has you on the verge of tears. If someone wants to hurt you or kill you they could and there's nothing you can do about it. Right now you need Ben more than ever and you're hoping with everything you have that you're wrong about him being with the First Order. If he is, you're screwed. 

Ben sits down on the ground next to you and pulls you into his arms for the second time within the last 24 hours. "I'm going to try something okay? I. . I don't know if it will work. I've only read about it but it won't hurt. Trust-" he makes eye contact with you and sighs. "Trust me." He closes his eyes and places his hand on your calf lightly.

_“Okay. I trust you.”_

His eyes snap open and he searches your face as if you're capable of making any sort of facial expression at the moment. You try not to get irritated with him for that. Especially when you feel how happy he is to hear you say you trust him.

Even through the bond he can hear the hesitation in your voice but he doesn't let it bother him. He knows you wouldn't tell him you trust him if you didn't. Closing his eyes once more, he steadies his breathing and concentrates on the Force running through him and everything around him. Your calf starts to feel warm and begins to tingle before the sensation spreads throughout your body. The pain in your leg and the existing pain in your head starts to dissipate. You don't have to look at your leg to know that he just healed you somehow. He opens his eyes and sighs heavily while looking from your leg to your face. When he removes his hand from your leg he stares at it in awe.

"Holy shit it worked," he mumbles to himself. A small adorable smile spreads across his face as he starts to massage the hand that healed you with his other hand. 

_“It doesn’t hurt anymore but I still can’t move.”_

“I healed you but the poison was already in your system. I can’t do anything about that but it shouldn't last long. If what I've read about Vornskr’s is accurate I mean.”

Ben slides one arm under your legs and one behind your shoulders before awkwardly standing with you in his arms. Once he has a good grip on you, he starts walking through the almost completely dark forest towards the small cave he found.

_“Ben we have to find somewhere to stay. More of those things might come back. Plus it's almost pitch black out here.”_

"I know. I found a small cave, well it's not really a cave but it's big enough for the two of us to rest for the night. It's right over there see," he gestures ahead of you with his chin. When he feels your irritation climb, he looks down at you confused for a second before realizing his mistake. "Sorry...I forgot you can't move. We're almost there."

Ben stops in front of a rock wall after stumbling through the dark for a few minutes. Carved into the side is a 'cave' barely big enough for the two of you to crawl into. It's not going to be comfortable but it's safe and that's more important. He gently sets you down in front of it and removes your saber from his belt. After igniting it he slowly waves it inside the cave, ensuring there's nothing hiding in the dark. When nothing jumps out to attack him, he picks you up, crawls into the cave, and sets you down again. Once he's resting against the cave wall he deactivates your saber and places it on your belt. You don't miss the way his eyes linger on it and you're acutely aware of the fact that without Ben you probably wouldn't survive the night. It's a bad idea to piss him off or start an argument but you can't stop yourself. You have questions.

_"Why do you keep looking at my lightsaber like that? Like you're fascinated...like you've never seen another lightsaber before."_

He can hear the suspicion in your voice even though you haven't spoken out loud. He was hoping you hadn't noticed his hesitation when he first saw it but you're too observant for your own good. He can't tell if he hates that about you or if he loves it.

"I've never seen another lightsaber before or held someone else's," he says completely emotionless with that damn mask of indifference. He's lying again. It hurts knowing he's blatantly lying to you after you told him you trusted him. When you don't respond, he sees it as a signal to continue. "Did you make it yourself?" You consider lying but there's no point really. Regardless of why he's so interested in it, there's no harm in telling him the truth.

_"It was given to me."_

"By who? Kyber crystals usually bond with their chosen Force user. They can be passed to different people but it's uncommon."

_“I know you've seen other lightsabers before, even if you haven’t used someone else's. It’s obvious that’s not the only reason you’re curious. If you don’t intend on telling me the truth about why you’re so curious then I suggest dropping the subject.”_

You try to move your limbs but only manage to wiggle your toes and the tips of your fingers. In a few hours, you'll be able to move on your own again. As soon as you can you plan to put space between the two of you again. 

“I would think you’d be a little bit nicer considering I’ve saved your life twice now,” he says through gritted teeth.

_“Apologies for being so rude your worshipfulness. I cannot put into words just how grateful I am that you bothered to rescue a lowly peasant such as myself.”_

Thankfully you still have the ability to roll your eyes. After doing so, you expect some sort of irritated response from him but you get nothing. When you glance at him, his shoulders are tense, and his fists are clenched. You know you're being an asshole but you didn’t think your sarcastic remarks warranted that kind of a response from him.

“What did you say?” He asks quietly, almost under his breath. You had no idea you just called him the same term of endearment his father regularly called his mother.

_“What the hell is wrong with you? Was it that much of an inconvenience to save me? If so, don’t do me anymore favors should I end up in a similar situation once again. As soon as the sun comes up you’ll be free of me I promise.”_

His shoulders relax slightly, his jaw relaxes, and he sighs. Without saying anything else he turns to you and lifts you onto his lap once more. Your lower half is sitting across his lap and your upper half is being supported by his arm. He's practically cradling you like an over-sized infant. If he was a different person and the situation was different you might think he was purposely sitting you on his lap for a far less innocent reason but what he's feeling doesn't indicate that at all. He's genuinely trying to take care of you and it's irritating. You're angry with him and want nothing more than to distance yourself but you can't. Until you have full control of your body again, you don’t really have any other choice but to move wherever he wants you to. You've never felt more useless and helpless in your entire life. 

“You’re not useless or helpless,” Ben says under his breath. "If you're more comfortable I can set you back on the ground. I just thought you might be more comfortable this way."

_“Stay out of my head._ " 

It's already weird enough that the two of you can communicate through your bond but to also hear each other’s thoughts. That is dangerous on a multitude of levels. Especially when both of you are keeping things from one another. If that starts to happen you'll have no choice but to cut yourself off from the Force again. When you're safe, if that's even possible, you fully intend on either cutting yourself off from the Force again and find a way to sever or at least block out your connection to Ben. Even if the thought hurts more than you care to admit.

After a stretch of uncomfortable silence, you have to get something off your chest. _"I trust you. I wasn't lying when I said that but you're lying to me again. From now on, if there's something you don't want to tell me just keep your mouth shut. It will sting less than knowing your lying to my face,"_ you say meekly. You hate how vulnerable your voice sounds, even if it's in your head. To prevent the conversation from either escalating or becoming more awkward, you avoid eye contact. You don't want to talk about it anymore anyway. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like Ben does either.

There isn’t enough room for either one of you to lay down flat, sleeping sitting up will have to do, if either one of you is even capable of sleeping. Even though Ben is exhausted from using so much energy to heal you, he's extremely conflicted about everything that's happened and knows he won't be able to sleep.

No matter how hard he tries not to, he wants to be with you. Since meeting you he's almost kissed you twice and he's almost lost you twice. He knows now is definitely not the time to make a move but he's never wanted to kiss you more than he does at this moment with you in his arms. Part of him is enjoying the fact that you're depending on him right now, you need him. No one ever needs him. The other part of him is hurt and angry. That part wants to hurt you, to push you away, and leave you outside on your own, knowing you’d have no way to defend yourself if something were to find you. 

Another thing that is extremely concerning to him is why you have his grandfather's lightsaber. The last time he saw it was when it was in Luke's possession. Why would you have it and why would it respond to you? It feels weird when he uses it and he doesn’t understand why. It's his birthright, it belongs to him. Your connection to him ran deeper than just the Force connection you two have. Would Snoke know how you two are connected? Would your fate be any different if he does?

All these thoughts run through Ben’s head while sitting in the dark with you in his arms. He glances down at you and sees your eyes are closed and your breathing has evened out. You're either asleep or on your way to it. He gently tries to readjust you so your head is leaning against his chest and not hanging over his arm. Once he re-positions you he can see your skin prickling. It's then that he realizes it's a bit chilly out. Your cowl is torn and leaves parts of your skin exposed.

Absentmindedly, he runs his hand up and down your exposed arm. You guys don’t touch unless it was when he grabbed your hand while running or when he lifted you on and off your speeder but every time you did, there's an unexpected reaction. A reaction he doesn’t think is normal. He wishes he had another Force user to talk to and hopefully get some answers. Snoke is the only one he knows and he wouldn't trust him with this information.

“Are you cold?” he whispers after he feels you shiver. He assumes you're asleep when you don't respond right away.

The anger and irritation that was overwhelming Ben when you first entered the cave fades the longer he has you in his arms. He isn’t thinking about his grandfather's lightsaber or Snoke, just you. He's never been physically this close to another person before. It feels nice, safe, and right. His throat tightens when his eyes begin to tear up and he's thankful you're not awake to see it. He wants things to be different. He wants the two of you to be together, safe, and comfortable. No First Order, no Resistance, and no Snoke. He has never felt as comfortable as he does at the moment and he knows he never will again. 

The sound of him quietly sniffling and the despair he's feeling wakes you up from the light sleep you were floating in and out of. Not wanting to embarrass him, you keep your breathing even and your eyes closed. Ben turns his head slightly until his nose is resting at the top of your head. If you hadn't heard him sniffling, and couldn't tell he was fighting back tears, you would assume he was sniffing you, which in a way he is. He's sniffling into your hair and holding you a bit tighter than he had been. If you smell he doesn't seem to mind because he lets out a deep sigh after nuzzling into the top of your head. He's acting like your scent relaxes him and it causes your chest to tighten.

He's extremely nervous and uncomfortable, not physically, but with the situation. You're sure if you placed your hand over his heart you’d be able to feel his heart practically beating out of his chest. It's hard not to find him adorable. The way he always seems to be slightly nervous around you gives off the impression he may not have a lot of experience with women. The thought is hard to wrap your mind around considering how attractive he is. Based off his reaction to your proximity now though, you may be right. You can’t help but want to make him squirm a bit.

Testing whether or not you can move, you wiggle in his lap just a bit more than necessary once you're sure you have some control over your body again. Doing your best to make it seem like you're simply trying to get comfortable, you also nuzzle into his neck. When you hear him suddenly inhale you can't help but smile at the effect you obviously have on him. You can't see it but his cheeks are bright red and on fire.

“Ben,” you whisper and you move your head a bit.

“What?” He croaks. His voice is thick and raspy. Embarrassed, he quickly clears his throat and speaks a bit louder. “What?”

“Are you comfortable?” 

“Yes...why?”

“Because I can practically hear your heart beating out of your chest."

He fidgets nervously, even more uncomfortable now that you know how anxious he is. Fidgeting only makes the proximity worse because he's unintentionally rubbing himself against you, mostly unintentional. When he feels himself harden he's mortified and prays that you don't notice or are too sleepy to remember the ordeal in the morning. He tries to think of anything other than the way your body feels against his groin but it isn't working. Especially once he feels your breath against the crook of his neck. He was never big on touching himself, especially once he joined Snoke. When he did, he would have to use his imagination. Even though he feels creepy, he now has something to think about next time he's 'alone.' 

“I’m fine," his voice cracks and he mentally curses himself. "Try and sleep."

It doesn’t take long for you to fall asleep. Ben’s lap is surprisingly more comfortable than you had expected it would be. Ben, on the other hand, is still very much awake. It's hard for him to relax when you're so close to him. 

At some point, your hair had fallen out of the messy bun it had been in throughout the day and few loose strands of your hair are covering your face. The moonlight streaming through the cave's entrance gives you an ethereal glow. it's hard for Ben to close his eyes and rest when he has you in his lap, relaxed, and literally glowing. He wants to touch you but he's afraid you'll wake up and think he's being a creep. After arguing with himself for half an hour he hesitantly runs the back of his hand along your cheek and pauses, waiting to see if you react. When you don't, he lets out a sigh of relief. Careful not to wake you, he brushes the hair away from your face and tucks it behind your ear. Once more, he caresses your face but this time you lean into his touch. Ben's eyes widen and his pulse increases substantially. 

You place your hand over his and relax again. He's not sure whether or not you're asleep but he doesn't care either way. You're touching him and that's the only thing his mind is currently focusing on. 

* * *

When you wake up, sunlight is creeping into the entrance of your makeshift shelter. You slowly open your eyes and look up at Ben and re-position yourself just a bit. He has to physically bite down on his tongue to prevent himself from moaning once you move against him. His eyes are slightly wide and the bags under them are darker than before. It's obvious he didn't sleep much, if at all. 

“Hi,” you say quietly while tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear.

“Hi,” he says. His voice cracks again and his cheeks go red. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I think so. I can move again so that’s nice,” you shrug. “I would ask how _you_ slept but the bags under your eyes sorta answer that question. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You could have pushed me off of you or something.”

“No no. . I liked your body on my lap,” his eyes widen comically and his cheeks redden all the way up to his ears once he realizes what he said. His skin is so red he looks sunburned. “That’s not. . I didn’t,” he pauses and sighs. You couldn’t contain the chuckle that slipped out. “I meant it isn’t your fault I didn’t sleep,” he says without making eye contact with you.

After the two of you crawl out of the cave, you stretch and dust yourselves off. Ben groans as he stands up straight for the first time in hours. For a moment you forget about everything that's happened between the two of you, and you think he may have too considering the mood he's in. When you laugh at the loud groan he makes, he smiles at you and the sight causes your breath to hitch. 

It was the first time you had seen somewhat of a smile on his face. Since meeting him he was either angry, anxious, embarrassed, or emotionless. Those were the only facial expressions you've witnessed. More often than not he hid behind a stoic mask of indifference. It may fool some people but it doesn’t fool you, not when you can feel his emotions. Ben may be a lot of things, many of them you have yet to discover, but emotionless and/or indifferent is not one of them. 

You didn’t think it was possible for someone to have so many conflicting emotions churning through them at one time. It was exhausting and you were only feeling them second hand in a way. To see a genuine smile warmed your heart more than you expected and more than you care to admit. Smiling back, you're about to ask him if he plans to stay with you or if you should both go your separate ways when you hear a loud explosion. Your head jerks in that direction before snapping back to Ben. You aren’t sure if he read your thoughts or not but it's obvious he knows what you're about to do. 

“Wait-” 

You're running before he can finish his sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mention fighting stances while you're fighting the beasties in the woods (which are canon and terrifying BTW). There are 7 fighting forms. Kylo uses a mix of multiple forms, mostly aggressive ones. We didn't get to see enough of Ben to figure out his fighting style unless it's written somewhere and I haven't seen it.


	5. The Truth About Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself sad

* * *

_The truth is this:  
_ _Every monster you have met or will ever meet was once a human being with a soul that was as soft and light as silk.  
_ _Someone stole that silk from their soul and turned them into this.  
_ _So when you see a monster next always remember.  
_ _Do not fear the thing before you.  
_ _Fear the thing that created it instead._

_Nikita Gill- The Truth About Monsters_

* * *

With sore muscles, burning lungs, and a cramp in your side, you run faster than you thought possible in the direction of the explosions. After the first one, they seemed to be happening more frequently. Maz's castle is the only thing of notoriety on Takodana which means the castle is under attack and the aggressors are more than likely the First Order. You want to wait for Ben or make sure he's following you at least but you can’t slow down. All you can think about is Maz and the possibility she may either be hurt or captured. She's very well known across the galaxy and not for the best reasons. Maz is the toughest, smartest, and wisest person you have ever met. Realistically she doesn’t need anyone to help her and she definitely doesn’t need anyone to worry about her. Yet you can’t stop yourself. She's one of the only people you've met since Luke that you trusted. 

The castle came into view right when you thought you couldn't run anymore. As expected, two transport ships had landed. Stormtroopers are scattered in front of the castle with their blasters aimed and firing. There are random people hiding behind remnants of walls or debris shooting back at them. You quickly scan the chaos unfolding in front of you until your eyes land on Maz. You aren’t surprised to locate her in the middle of the battle. What does surprise you is who she's with. Poe is standing fairly close to her and blasting at various troopers. Nearby him is an older man and a very _very_ big Wookie. It's obvious the older man and the Wookie weren’t just passing through Takodana when the castle was attacked. They're close with Maz from what you can tell at least. 

Your hand immediately goes to your saber when you notice movement out of the corner of your eye. Three stormtroopers begin shooting in your direction but their blasts are easily dodged and reversed. A fourth trooper tries to sneak up on you but before he can get close he's thrown into a tree, seemingly on his accord. Glancing over your shoulder you can see Ben standing behind you with his hand outstretched towards the trooper. 

“Ben we have to help them! Maz...her castle. We can’t leave them! They’re outnumbered. She’s...she’s practically family. She’s one of the only people I trust. Please,” you beg.

You knew he didn’t want to help, not because of the First Order, but because of whatever relationship he has with Maz. Expecting him to either tell you he would help or that you were on your own, you were surprised when he did neither.

" _One of_ the people you trust? Who are the others?" he asks. The emotions stirring inside him betray the emotionless mask he's once again donned. His face says he doesn't care whether or not you trust him but what he's feeling suggests otherwise. He's nervous and almost desperate for you to trust him. He wants you to need him and he wants you to want him. He's afraid of being alone again but there's an underlying desperation to his need for your trust. It isn't completely due to him wanting to be close to you like you originally assumed. There's something else to it. Something you can't place and it makes you uncomfortable. Slowly, you feel his anger rise as the two of you stand staring at one another in silence.

Ben does his best to keep his emotions under control but he knows he's failing. He has never been good at controlling his emotions and the situation he's found himself in is definitely an emotional one. He wants so badly to make you happy, to help you help your friends but they aren't just your friends. Maz knows him very well and would expose him the moment she lays eyes on him. Han Solo and Chewbacca are with her. The familiar combination of anger, betrayal, and abandonment skyrockets. Not realizing he's still making eye contact with you, he shakes his head slightly as if it will clear his mind. Glancing back at the battle ahead of you before meeting your eyes, he quickly devises a plan. He knows what he has to do but he doesn't know if he has the strength to do it. Deep down, under the darkness that has been trying to take over the remaining light, he isn't sure he _wants_ to do it. The voice inside his head senses his conflict and chooses that moment to interject. 

_“You must fulfill your destiny. To finish what your grandfather started. The girl is nothing but a distraction, an attachment. Attachments make you weak. Attachments are what caused your grandfather's downfall. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps do you?”_

“Ben...please,” you say once more. 

Finally, he snaps out of his trance and speaks. “You go, I’ll cover you. I’ll stay near the treeline where they can’t see me. There’s not much cover over there,” he gestures towards Maz and Poe. The look on your face must have portrayed the confusion you feel because he gives you a small forced smile. A smile with no real emotion behind it. He breaks eye contact with you, glances at your lightsaber, then back to you. 

“Look, I know this is the worst possible time to have this conversation but I need to get it off my chest in case...in case...in case something happens."

Your throat uncharacteristically tightens when you speak. You decide to tell him the truth. The fake sad smile seals the deal. It's as if he knows something is going to happen, something that may lead to the two of you not seeing each other again. You couldn’t live with yourself if the last real conversation the two of you had was when you both accused each other of being liars.

“I _have_ been keeping something from you but not because I don’t trust you. I _want_ to trust you. I _do_ trust you. It’s just. . it's not my secret to keep so I...It just didn’t feel right but I want you to know I trust you okay?”

He nods slowly. He has a feeling whatever you have to tell him is going to change everything between the two of you, and not in a good way. An explosion goes off not too far from where you both are standing and the two of you quickly duck down behind a large rock for cover. Ben crouches over you to protect you from any debris while you anxiously glance back towards Maz and see they're slowly being outnumbered. You have to cut the conversation short and you need to get to your friends. Before confessing, you throw your arms around Ben’s neck and squeezed him tightly, unconsciously burying your head into his neck and inhaling his scent. 

He freezes, not expecting your sudden closeness, and not expecting to feel your breath against his neck. It only takes him a moment to relax into your hold and wrap his arms around you tightly. Instead of reveling in the closeness, it only makes him more anxious. It's as if you're saying goodbye. You make a decision, a last-minute one that has your heart nearly beating out of your chest. You pull back, place one hand on each cheek, and kiss him. His eyes go wide and his breath catches before he immediately responds by placing one hand on the back of your neck and the other around your waist, pulling you in closer. Another explosion goes off nearby which is your queue to stop kissing and get to your friends. When you pull away, he chases your lips with his for a moment before opening his eyes. When he sees the look on your face his brow furrows with concern. 

“The reason I had to go to Jakku was because of Poe. I knew Luke Skywalker when I was younger. I don’t know how familiar you are with him but he’s been missing since one of his students burned down the Jedi Temple he was using to train a new set of padawans. Kylo Ren was one of his students. He killed all of the students and almost killed Luke but he survived and has been in hiding since. Leia or General Organa is desperate to find him. She thinks he’ll be able to help the Resistance defeat the First Order. When I used the Force for the first time in years last week, Leia sensed it and sent Poe to find me. He gave me half of a map to Luke’s location. The other half was on Jakku with Lor San Tekka. I hadn’t planned to get involved at all. I honestly wanted nothing more-” a blast is sent your way, cutting you off. Without taking his eyes off of you, Ben extends his hand and launches the trooper into the air.

"They wanted me to have the map because, at the time, I was the only Force user they knew of. The fact that I knew Luke, somewhat, just made them want my help even more. But I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I hadn’t made up my mind until the First Order found me and suddenly became more interested in me than Poe. Now I have no choice, not if I ever want to have my life back. If I don’t help them I’ll be hunted for the rest of my life, or until they capture me. I don’t have a choice anymore. _That’s_ what I hadn’t told you but I wanted to. I know now that I was wrong to doubt you. I knew then, deep down that I could trust you, and I know even more so now,” you look over your shoulder once more.

When you turn back to Ben, his expression is unsettling. The anger in him is rising to a dangerous level. You expected him to be hurt because you hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him the truth but you didn’t expect him to be so angry. You don't have time to dwell on it, at least not now. You have to help Maz, Poe, and her friends. Hopefully, once everyone was safe, you and Ben could have a longer and less stressful talk.

“I don’t know why you're so mad at me but I’m sorry for doubting you,” you say quietly as you release his face and look down at the ground. You hate how meek and small your voice sounds but it can’t be helped.

“Will you. . You’re still going to help right? You’ll be here once the troopers are gone? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know I promise,” you practically plead. His silence is extremely concerning. Instead of verbally responding, Ben merely nods. Even though you're unsettled by his sudden coldness and his lack of verbal response, you move away from him and prepare to enter the fray. You glance at him one last time before running towards Maz. There's resolution in his eyes. He's no longer conflicted and has made a decision and intends to follow through with it. 

With an unsettling feeling in your chest, you turn away from him and run towards your friends. 

* * *

To say Poe is happy to see you is an understatement. He practically screams your name the moment you emerge from the tree line. You want to be irritated considering he just brought you to the attention of almost all of the stormtroopers, but you can't help but laugh when you see the huge smile spread across his face. No one has ever been so excited to see you. For once in your life, you truly feel like you have friends. The older man slaps Poe on the back of the head for his outburst. Blaster fire hits the wall they're crouching behind, interrupting the scolding Poe was getting.

As expected, Maz doesn't look the least bit surprised to see you. However, you do notice her glance from you to where Ben is currently crouching. You don't have time to focus on that when there are troopers shooting at you and swinging various weapons in your direction. While deflecting blaster fire, you charge at the trooper closest to you. Before he has the chance to fire another blast at you, you shove your lightsaber straight through his chest. After throwing yourself on the ground and barrel rolling out of the way, you quickly jump to your feet and throw the three troopers closest to Maz and Poe into a still standing chunk of wall. Based on the sounds their bodies made when they hit the wall you assumed they wouldn't be getting up anytime soon, if ever. A brave trooper is approaching you and swinging an ax like weapon. The plasma blade sparks with electricity as the rather large trooper swings it in your direction. Out of the corner of your eye, you see multiple troopers pointing their blasters your way but you have no choice but to focus on the ax that's getting closer and closer to your head.

You feel a spike of panic from Ben before blaster fire emerges from the trees, taking out the troopers that had you in their sights. Between your lightsaber, Ben's blaster, your friend's blasters, and the Force, the stormtroopers are dropping like flies. The tables are slowly turning in your favor. When half the troopers are gone, the chrome trooper from Jakku orders the rest to retreat. Once you're sure they're not going to fire on you again, you deactivate your lightsaber but keep it in your hand, just in case. The remaining troopers file into one of the transport ships and quickly leave Takodana. Even though the stormtroopers retreated, one transport ship remains. The chrome trooper stands next to the ship's ramp and waits. He/She makes no move to attack or retreat, they're merely standing still and waiting for someone or something. Poe comes up to you suddenly, lifts you off the ground, and spins you around. You can't help but smile.

“You’re alive and you’re here! I knew you’d help! Leia knew it too! She said we just needed to give you time,” he says with a smile as he sets you down on the ground. The anger in Ben spikes, this time it's laced with jealousy. You carefully extract yourself from Poe and take a step back.

_“Ben calm down. You don’t need to be angry or jealous. I told you the truth. I’ve only met Poe once on Batuu. He’s just happy I’m helping.”_

You aren't sure if he can hear you or if he's choosing to ignore you, either way, you get no response. If he had heard you, what you said made no difference. He's still pissed beyond belief. Maz watches you as your brow furrows and you bite the inside of your cheek while glancing over your shoulder to where Ben is. When you turn to look at Maz, she's also staring in Ben's direction. You aren't sure how she always seems to know some of the things she does but it's obvious she knows Ben is there. She finally tears her eyes away from the tree line and focuses them on you. You wish you could communicate with her telepathically like you can with Ben. You want to explain, in secret, who Ben is and why he's practically hiding. The older man and the Wookie walk up behind Maz, interrupting the conversation Maz seems to be trying to have with you with her eyes alone.

“Those were some nice moves kid,” the older man says with a smirk. A smirk that shouldn’t be familiar considering you've never met the man before.

“Thanks,” you say with a small smile. Glancing back to Maz, you know for a fact, she knows something. More than a normal person in her situation would.

“I’m Han Solo,” he says as he shakes your hand.

The Wookie behind you speaks, and to your extreme surprise, you understand him.

“Nice to meet you Chewbacca." Your confusion must be evident because Poe and Han both look at you with raised eyebrows.

“You understand Shyriiwook? That’s impressive. Not many people do these days. You must know a Wookie or two,” the older man says.

“No. . Chewbacca. . he's the first,” you say quietly. Everyone but Maz looks at one another then back to you. Maz continues to look back toward the tree line for a few moments before sighing. She glances at Han and Chewie before looking down at the ground.

“Oh! I forgot, my friend is over there by the trees. He was covering me. I’ll go grab him,” you say with forced enthusiasm.

Before turning towards the treeline you glance at Maz once more. The look on her face unsettles you. She knows something none of you do and you have a feeling you're about to find out what it is. When you turn away from Maz and move towards the trees you see Ben emerge. He's still dressed in all black but he's wearing something different. In his hand, he's holding the hilt of a lightsaber that's different than the one you had seen him with. “Ben?” You call out to him extremely confused. He ignores you and continues walking towards the chrome stormtrooper.

“Ben, what are you doing?” You yell.

For a moment you think he's going to turn himself in. Panic courses through your veins as you begin to move towards him. He's approaching the transport ship's ramp with his back to you and has yet to even acknowledge you. Two things happen at once. Too focused on Ben, you hadn’t noticed Han at your side. 

“BEN!” he yells. 

Ben pauses for a moment but doesn’t bother turning to face either of you. You're extremely worried and thoroughly confused, until someone, you aren’t sure who fires multiple blasts at his back. Before you can stop them, Ben ignites a red crossguard lightsaber, turns, and deflects the blasts. The truth hits you like a blast to the face. You gasp and cover your mouth with your hands as your eyes widen. Ben isn’t Ben Calrissian like he said, he's Kylo Ren. That’s why he didn’t want to face Lor San Tekka and that's why he didn’t want to face Maz. They know who he really is, and now so did you. He's the Jedi Killer. He's the one at the temple all those years ago that tried to kill you...and you kissed him. 

Your throat tightens and your eyes sting as the tears form. You've never felt so betrayed and alone in your life. He must feel it too because he winces the moment you feel the painful ache in your chest the realization causes. It's then you realize the chrome trooper is holding something under their arm. A black helmet with chrome accents. Kylo Ren’s helmet. You aren’t sure how Han Solo knows Ben, but it's obvious he's just as desperate to get his attention as you had been. You want to call out to him again, you want to force choke him, and you want to scream at him but you don’t do any of those things. You're too shocked and hurt to do anything other than stare at him as he stares back. As if time slows, you watch as he quickly outstretches his hand towards you. Your lightsaber slips out of your palm and flies towards his outstretched hand. In response, you outstretch your hand as well, freezing your lightsaber halfway in between the two of you. 

The two of you stand facing one another with your hands outstretched, just like you had that night in the rain outside of the remains of the temple. This time you aren't fighting to paralyze or kill each other, this time you're fighting for your lightsaber and you have no idea why. It doesn't matter why he's so interested in it, all that matters is that he doesn't get what he wants, not after his betrayal. You would do everything in your power to ensure he doesn't get what he wants. Just like you can no longer get what you want. Part of you is worried the chrome trooper is going to interfere. If they did, you wouldn't be able to fight Ben and the trooper while protecting your friends. To your surprise, neither sides try to interfere and it doesn't seem like they intend to.

Remembering what happened the last time the two of you had a standoff, you speak to Han without taking your eyes off of Ben. No, the man in front of you isn't Ben. Ben was the sweet stammering boy that held you all night so you'd be comfortable. The man in front of you, the man that's filled you with rage and hurt, is Kylo Ren the Jedi Killer. Again, the realization hits you deep. The ache in your chest deepens as did the flow of tears you can no longer hold back. Your lip quivers as the tears stream down your face. If Han didn't realize there's a connection between you and Ben, he does now. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see him glance from Kylo then to you. When his eyes land on you, his facial expression softens as if he knows what you're going through.

“Han...I don’t know how you know B- Kylo Ren but I’ve met him once before and something like this happened. Last time it caused a Force blast strong enough to knock us both unconscious. You need to get everyone away from here,” you say while trying to focus on your lightsaber. 

“What about you?” he asks while staring at Kylo Ren.

“I’m just as strong as he is. I’ll be fine. Just...if anything happens...don’t let them take me alive,” you say while staring back at Kylo. His eyes never waver from yours but he loses focus for a second causing the saber to twitch a bit in your direction before freezing again. You didn’t think he could hear you from the distance he was at but he must have. 

“Look kid, I don’t know you but I’m not-”

“Promise me you won't let them take me. No matter what happens. You know what they do to Force users, don’t you? I’m just as strong as Kylo Ren. I don’t know how I am and I don’t know how I know that, but I am and I do. What do you think they'll do to someone as strong as one of the leaders of the First Order? They’ll either torture me or kill me. Probably both. Ask him,” you gesture towards Kylo. “He’ll probably be the one to do it,” your voice hitches as you try to hold back a sob while glancing at Han, tears streaming down your cheeks. Kylo slightly winces at your remark but because you had glanced away, you didn’t notice, but Han did. 

“Go. I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” you say through gritted teeth. 

Han gives you a small nod before glancing at Kylo once more. Looking away with pain in his eyes, he hurries back to Maz, Poe, and Chewbacca. The latter yells something to you or Kylo, you're not sure who. You're too focused on maintaining your hold on your saber to pay attention to what's happening behind you. Whatever Chewbacca says causes Kylo to falter once again. The anger bubbles up to a dangerous level a second later, as did the effort he's putting into taking your saber. You aren't sure if Han has done what you asked and is far away with your friends, but you can't afford to take your eyes off of Kylo to check. You have to end this standoff between you and the Jedi Killer once again. Having sensed your determination, Kylo pushes his hand in your direction a bit more and starts to practically growl.

Copying his actions, you extend your hand further and yell, putting every ounce of focus on pulling the lightsaber back towards you. For a second it's like everything around you vanishes. All you can see is him and all you can hear is the sound of you both breathing heavily and in tandem. The saber between you both starts to shake and glow. His eyes widen and so do yours. The last thing you see before everything goes black is your lightsaber splitting in two and exploding.

* * *

Before opening your eyes you can hear multiple people conversing not too far away from wherever you are. You're no longer on the ground in front of Maz's castle when you slowly lift your head to take in your surroundings. Someone has sat you down on a somewhat small bench that's curved around a dejarik table. Your head is resting on the back of the bench. They could have at least laid you on the floor but instead, they left your unconscious body sitting straight up with your head lulled back. It's immediately obvious you're inside a ship, a rather old ship by the looks of it. From where you're sitting it looks like it's barely functioning. Regardless of its condition, whoever owns the ship cares for it and treats it like their home.

“Dada!” You hear a little boy call out excitedly. 

You slowly stand and make your way toward the voices. Han Solo is sitting in the pilot's seat in the cockpit of the ship you are on, smiling at the holo projected in front of him. A dark-skinned man you've never seen before sits in the co-pilot's seat, smiling just as big. The little boy in the holo has a familiar head of dark hair and eyes.

“Hey, kiddo! You all right?” Han says to the little boy.

He nods and breaks into a toothy grin of his own. 

“Unca Wanwo!” the little boy yells and smiles even more.

“Hey, little starfighter,” the man in the co-pilot’s seat says.

“All right,” a woman comes into view beside the little boy. “I’ll let you guys go. Be safe out there.” She blows Han a kiss and waves at the other man. “Say bye, Ben.”

You gasp and cover your mouth with your hands. 

“Come back, Dada.” Despite his young age, Ben articulates each word carefully. 

“Soon, son. I promise."

Everything around you goes black. 

* * *

Once again, before you even open your eyes, you hear people conversing nearby. This time, thankfully, you're lying down instead of sitting up. The smell and the familiar hum of the ship tell you you're on the ship you had just envisioned moments ago.

“Kylo Ren is Ben! Your son isn’t dead? Leia’s son isn’t dead? How could you keep that from me? He was my friend when we were little. . sort of. I mean. . as friendly as anyone could get with Ben. I was bummed when you guys sent him away. A couple of years go by and I’m told he died and Luke vanished! How long have you known he’s Kylo Ren? What happened to him? Did you know?” Poe rants. 

“Yes, I knew. Besides myself his family is the only one that knows Kylo Ren's real identity...and now so does she,” Maz sighs.

“So all of you knew and no one told me? I can’t believe Leia didn’t tell me!” Poe huffs.

“It was not my story to tell,” Maz says.

“It was Leia’s choice to keep it quiet. She. . she thinks he’ll come back. . back to the light. She thinks he can still be saved. If everyone knows who he is and we manage to get him back they’ll want a trial for his crimes. A trial that will more than likely end badly for him. If he comes back and no one knows he's Kylo Ren. . well we'll figure that out then,” Han sighs.

“ _IF_ he comes back to the light. You mean you guys would welcome him back with open arms and act like he hasn’t been commanding the First Order? You’d act like he wasn’t the ‘Jedi Killer’ you’d-”

Chewbacca roars loud enough to make you flinch. He followed his roar with a string of grunts and growls. You assume Poe was either silently asking Han or Maz to translate or he was startled into silence. 

“He said you don’t know Ben like we do. You’re not family. The little boy we know wouldn’t go to the dark side for no reason. Something happened to him. Ben’s still in there,” Han says the last part quietly.

Poe sighs. “You’re right, I’m not family even though I like to think we are. Yes, I knew Ben when we were little but he kept everyone at a distance so no, I didn’t know him like you guys did. But he’s not Ben anymore, he’s Kylo Ren. After everything he’s done, how can you think Ben would suddenly decide to ditch the First Order and come back home?” 

“Because of her,” Maz says nonchalantly. 

You try desperately to keep your breathing even, not wanting them to realize you're awake yet. If they do, they'll stop speaking so candidly. You're technically a stranger to all of them except Maz. Poe isn't a stranger but you still haven't known him longer than a few hours.

“What does she have to do with him?” Poe asks somewhat skeptically. 

Chewbacca responds to him. You aren’t sure if his response makes you happy or if it makes the ache in your chest worse.

Han chuckles. “Yeah, I saw it too Chewie.”

“Saw what?” Poe asked impatiently. “What did he say?”

“He said ‘you didn’t see the way Ben looked at her.’ He’s right, if you had seen his face you wouldn’t be so skeptical.”

“What are you talking about? I saw Ben dressed as Kylo Ren walk to his ship without a second glance before force fighting her for the lightsaber. I was too busy staring at the chrome stormtrooper with the huge blaster in his hand to focus on Ren’s face.”

“Did you at least notice how upset she was when he ignored her as he strolled out of the forest? Did you notice how upset she was when he turned on his lightsaber and figured out who he is?” Han asks.

“Well...I saw how wet with tears her face was when I picked him up once the trooper and Ren were knocked out. I couldn’t hear everything that was said from where I was standing.”

“When she told me to...not let them take her alive. She insinuated Ben would be the one to kill her or torture her if the First Order got their hands on her. He winced when she said it and his uh...grip...on the saber faltered for a second. It happened again when Chewie called out to him but it didn’t look like Chewie’s comment physically caused him pain. Her comment did. If Ben's gone, truly gone, her comments and feelings wouldn’t have had any effect on him. Same with Chewie. My son is still alive,” Han says resolutely. They're silent for what feels like forever. For a moment you think they may have left without you hearing them. 

“So you guys really think she will be able to bring Ben back? I just...I’m sorry but it’s hard to believe. If he wanted to be with her then why did he leave?” That stung because you had thought the same thing.

“Between him and the chrome trooper, we could have easily been killed. Ben didn’t give the trooper any orders and he didn’t try to harm any of us. The only time he reacted was out of self-defense. If Ben was gone completely, if he was Kylo Ren the Jedi Killer, would he have left us all alive? Would he have left _her_ alive? Especially when she's just as strong as he is somehow,” Han says to Poe.

“Do you.do you think they’re like... _together_?” 

“That is a question for her, but I don’t think it’s that easy,” Maz says. You could practically feel her gaze on your back as she speaks.

“What do you mean?” Poe asks.

“I mean, they have a connection. A connection more powerful than any standard relationship between two people. A very rare connection."

“What do you mean Maz?” Han asks.

“There’s more to her than you think. I don’t think Ben realizes it. I don’t think even she realizesit, at least not yet. The Force has set things in motion we can’t even begin to understand. The lightsaber and her connection to Ben. It’s all linked and I have a feeling we’ll find out how soon,” Maz says mysteriously.

Chewie grunts. “Yes, yes I know. I’ll go contact Leia,” Han grumbles.

“How far away are we from the Resistance base?” Poe asks.

“We aren’t going to the base. At least not yet. I need to make a stop first."

“What? Where? Don’t you think getting her back to base and discussing everything with Leia is a priority?” 

“I can drop you off at the nearest planet and you can find your way back to Leia on your own, or you can shut up, sit down, and wait,” Han snaps. Poe stays quiet. You're not sure how the two are related but you can tell Poe looks up to Han in a father-figure sort of way. You feel yourself fighting off sleep even though you've been unconscious for who knows how long. All the fake sleeping is making you want to sleep for real but the sound of ruffling not too far where you are lying puts you on alert. 

“What are you doing Maz? What’s in there?” Poe asks curiously. You had been zoning out and hadn’t realized how close Poe was to you. After several minutes of silence, you hear Maz sigh happily. 

“Here." 

“What’s this?” 

“Give it to her when she wakes up. There are clean clothes in there...among other things,” Maz says cryptically. 

“Okaaaaaay,” Poe says suspiciously and drawing out the ‘a’.

The silence that follows, combined with the quiet thrumming of the ship as it flies through hyperspace, quickly lulls you to sleep. 

* * *

The smell and atmosphere of wherever you are this time are vastly different than on the ship you were on before you had fallen asleep. When you open your eyes, you're sitting in the center of a large crimson room. The entire room is a blood-red color with shiny black floors. You lift your head and look around. Straight ahead of you is a deformed and incredibly fragile-looking man sitting on some sort of throne. Scattered around the room are various people dressed in a strange type of armor, similar to the armor stormtroopers wear but theirs is red like the room. They stand perfectly still, each with a different type of weapon in hand.

“You failed me! You were supposed to bring the girl back to me but you failed!” The man yells with so much darkness, you can't help but flinch.

“There were complications master,” you hear a voice say to your immediate left. Startled, you back away on your hands and feet when you see Kylo Ren kneeling within arms reach of you. Your heart skips a beat at the sight of him before the ache in your chest returns full force. While kneeling, his helmet-clad head hangs down as he stares at the ground. Even though his voice is distorted through the helmet you can still tell it's him.

“Complications? What complications?”

“She’s smart and stronger than she knows! As soon as I started to gain her trust, Hux’s troops would appear. Half the time I spent with her was avoiding capture or death. She did trust me but I didn't have enough time! Not only did she tell me as much but she told me she had the map to Luke Skywalker's location. She never would have told me that if she didn’t trust me. If I had more time without being constantly interrupted I could have-” he says angrily before the other man cut him off.

“More time to what? You do not fool me, Kylo Ren. Take that ridiculous thing off!” The man yells.

Slowly, Kylo’s hands lift to the back of his helmet and unclasp it before lifting it off of his head completely. You feel your bottom lip quiver as his face comes into view. He looks awful, maybe as awful as you feel. He continues to hang his head low, not daring to lift it to stare at his master.

_"He can't find out about her. . he can't. I'm not strong enough to keep him out though. I don't know what to do. If he finds out about our connection. . our bond...he's going to want her even more and...I don't want her hurt. She kissed me and I know that means something. If Snoke knows how badly I want her...how much I almost...need her...he's going to punish me. I have to keep her safe. I have to keep her safe from him but how? Why couldn't she have just stayed with me...chosen me. For once I thought someone cared about me but she left me. Just like everyone always does."_

You're looking at Kylo Ren but it was Ben's thoughts you can hear. He's terrified of the man in front of him, the man he calls master. The fear isn't just for you but for himself. Whoever the man in front of you is, he's hurt him and Ben's afraid of him. He says he needs you and wants you yet he chose to come back to the First Order. You can't wrap your mind around how contradictory Ben's thoughts are to his actions. 

“There’s too much of your father in you. You’re weak,” the man scoffs. “You had no one. You had nothing. I took pity on you and brought you under my wing because I saw the potential of your bloodline. I was obviously mistaken. You’re just a child playing dress-up, all alone in the galaxy. No family, no friends, nothing. The girl didn't even want you. You’re nothing without me.”

Kylo clenches his fists at his sides. You can’t tell if the anger you feel is his or yours, either way, it was reaching a boiling point. Now you know the truth about why he even stuck with you in the first place. The hurt is festering into an open wound and you feel just as conflicted as he does. Betrayal, hurt, anger, and loneliness all course through you. Try as you might, you can't place all of those feelings on Ben. He's absolutely terrified of the man in front of him. Ben's thoughts mixed with the horrible degrading things the creepy man is saying could easily be why he's so conditioned to return to him. It's clear he's responsible for turning Ben into Kylo Ren. You've seen the real Ben, you know you have. You refuse to believe it was completely an act. You witnessed glimpses of Kylo Ren in the forest when he was upset but the majority of the time spent with him was with Ben Solo. Kylo Ren was nowhere in sight. So who is the man kneeling next to you and which one is the act? Is Ben Solo the man you know and Kylo Ren the act or vice versa?

“I will not fail you again. If you are no longer concerned with her well-being I...I can retrieve her and the map to Skywalker. I will not hesitate to use force if she doesn’t comply with my demands."

He feels betrayed by you as well. You could feel it and you had no idea why. The anger within him, you realized, wasn’t just for Snoke, it was also with you.

“Why should I place my trust in you again? You’ve already failed me once.”

“I will not fail you again Supreme Leader. If we're not followed and I have more time with her I know I will be successful.”

The man on the throne was the Supreme Leader of the First Order? If memory serves correctly his name is Snoke. You've heard his name spoken in hushed whispers when hanging around various cantina’s. You thought he would be a regular older man not the twisted fragile looking thing in front of you. It's weird to see someone as big and strong as Kylo Ren kneeling to the thing on the throne.

“You’re weak and the conflict within you has only grown since meeting the girl. I thought you were above such...carnal urges. Was I mistaken?”

Your eyes widen and your head snaps to Kylo. His cheeks are a dark shade of crimson that travels all the way up to the tips of his ears which you can see peeking through his hair.

“Yes, you're mistaken, master. The girl means nothing to me."

“You feel compassion for her don’t you?”

Kylo glances up and his eyes meet his masters. “Compassion? For an enemy of the first order? Never,” he sneers as if the thought genuinely disgusted him. Snoke eyes Ben uncomfortably in silence. He's fighting the urge to fidget under the scrutiny.

“I perceive the problem. It isn’t her strength that is making you fail and it isn’t General Hux’s troop's interference. It’s _your_ weakness for _her_ ,” Snoke says with a sinister smirk. "You think she has feelings for you don't you?" he laughs cruelly. "Why would she have feelings for you when she could have someone like Dameron? You're weak and it's pathetic."

You watch Ben’s throat bob as he tries to suppress an emotional response. You close your eyes, knowing Snoke witnessed it as well. Even though you want to beat the shit out of Kylo yourself, you have no desire to see him beat by the hands of someone else. The man staring down at him did not look like someone that likes to talk out his problems. He looks like the type that would send a young boy to kill his fellow Force users. He looks like the type that would go to extremes to get his point across and Kylo looks as if he knows that from first-hand experience.

“You will go back to your quarters. You’re not to leave the ship until I say otherwise.”

“But the g-”

“The girl is no longer your concern! You will show me what you know about her. I want to know _everything_ ,” Snoke says with a sinister smile.

“Everything?” Ben says meekly. He winces once he hears how weak and afraid his voice sounds.

Snoke’s hand reaches out towards Kylo Ren and pulls his body toward him using the Force. His body is suspended in the air, hovering in front of the throne. His legs dangle loosely and the tips of his boots barely touch the ground. Kylo doesn’t struggle and instead resigns himself to whatever is to come.

“Show me _everything_ ,” Snoke says.

A second later Kylo grits his teeth and yells in pain as a tear falls from his eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may (or may not) notice how 'you' alternate between calling Kylo Ben and vice versa. I am doing that on purpose and not because it's confusing. You're hurt and conflicted. He's still Kylo Ren the Jedi Killer but he's also Ben. Until you're sure about him his name is going to flip flop.
> 
> The vision reader/you has after leaving Takodana of Ben's holo on the Falcon is an excerpt directly from the Han and Lando book Last Shot.


	6. Beast Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's trying not to be a Jealous Jan. You get a little angry but you're a badass. Poe starts to take you seriously. Han and Chewie are giving you feels.

* * *

_I wanna tear this place apart tonight  
_ _And have you thank me for my rage  
_ _Tell me what you came for  
_ _Can I give you just a taste?_

_In This Moment - Beast Within_

* * *

With a loud gasp, you roll to your side and off of the bench you've been sleeping on. Before you can hit the floor, two large furry arms wrap around you and lift you up. Not bothering to check to see who it is, you frantically try to catch your breath. Han and Poe come running down the corridor moments later. You don't realize tears are streaming down your face until Chewbacca lifts his huge furry hand and wipes your cheeks a little rougher than he intended. You can't help but laugh at how sweet the gesture is coming from a gigantic terrifying Wookie. The look on Poe's face suggests you look maniacal while you laugh and sob at the same time. "Thanks, Chewie." Sniffling, you give him the best smile you can muster while crying. He growls and ruffles your already messy hair with one of his large hands. The gesture is extremely endearing. It's hard not to chastise yourself for getting attached to people you barely know. That obviously hasn't worked in your favor so far.

"Are you okay?" Poe asks with genuine concern as he places a hand on each of your shoulders. He holds you at arms length and scans you as if he can detect why you're upset with his eyes alone. Without answering his question, you glance at Han and hold his gaze. Thankfully, he gets the hint and knows you want to talk to him alone. He may not be Force-sensitive but he's smart and observant and that's just as good.

"Hey Chewie, can you and Poe make sure the Falcon is headed in the right direction?" Chewie's eyes dart from Han to you before he gives you both a small nod of understanding and turns to leave. Poe begins to protest but doesn't get a word out. Chewie grabs him by the arm, a little rough but you doubt this time it's unintentional, and yanks him towards the cockpit.

Han sighs, which seems to be a regular occurrence, and sits down next to the dejarik table. He runs his hands through his hair and stares at the floor as you sit down beside him. "Maz said you have a connection with Ben...a deeper connection than the normal 'boyfriend-girlfriend' thing," he says awkwardly. It's obvious he didn't expect he'd have to have any sort of conversation with a girl that his son seemed to have feelings for. "Is that why you were upset when you saw him at Maz's place?"

Your eyes begin to well up with tears again and it pisses you off. The tears that fall are now full of anger and hurt not sadness. The mere mention of Ben and what you've witnessed enrages you. "I'm sorry. I rarely cry over shit like this. . I actually never cry over anything. I'm not even sad anymore! I'm pissed off and...and hurt! This is why I don't get close to anyone! I know better than to trust anyone but I'm an idiot and started to trust Ben," you jump to your feet and begin to pace. "This whole thing is so...so stupid! I shouldn't be so upset over him. I've don't even really know him. I don't know how to explain what is going on between us. I don't understand it and I don't think he does either but yes, we do have some sort of connection or bond. I liked it at first but now...now I wish we didn't," you say quietly and sit back down next to him. He's chewing the inside of his cheek the way Ben does and bounces his knee nervously while watching you wipe your face on your dirty tattered cowl.

"I'm glad you got the hint and realized I wanted to talk to you alone by the way. There are a few things I wanted to say and I don't think Poe will be as understanding as Chewie. I don't feel like arguing with the only friend I might have. Even though I'm beyond pissed with Ben or Kylo, if someone talks shit about him I, more than likely, won't keep my mouth shut. I doubt his attitude towards Ben has changed since the last conversation you guys had about him and I-"

"I knew you weren't asleep," Han smirks at you. It's hard not to smile back at him.

“Would what you said have changed if I was?”

“Nah kid. Everything I said was true.” 

“I know Poe is going to want to know what happened after he left Batuu and I don’t want to leave Chewie out so I- where’s Maz?” You ask confused once you realized she isn’t around. 

“We dropped her off on a nearby trade planet. She said she had things to do and so do we. Something about our paths crossing again just taking different routes. . that kind of mumbo jumbo,” he waves his hand in the air.

“Right. Okay. Anyways, I’ll tell the three of you everything that happened from the moment Poe left to Maz’s place but I wanted to talk to you alone about Ben. I know Chewie is family but I wanted you to decide whether or not you want to tell him everything.” Han nods. 

“I _think_ I agree with you. Ben's not...he’s not gone. He’s in there. I...I can’t explain it but the last two times I had blacked out or slept I had visions. One was of the past, I think. The other one I just had was taking place right now I think. When we were together I only got glimpses of Kylo Ren. It was only when he would get angry or upset. The rest of the time I was with Ben, he was Ben."

“Hang on, visions? What did you see from the past?”

“You and a man I’ve never met were in the cockpit talking to Ben’s holo. He was really little. I’m not sure how old. The man called him ‘Little Starfighter." The color drains from Han’s face and confirms you had seen a memory. 

“He was really happy to see you. He had a big toothy goofy smile.”

It's hard not to smile when you think of the two big dimples and ears a bit too big for his head that peaked out of his thick head of hair. “He told you to come home.” Han let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. He ran his hands through his hair and stood. Pacing back and forth, he pauses occasionally to look at you and open his mouth as if to speak but closes it before he continues to pace. 

“Maz wasn’t kidding. You’re not just my son’s girlfriend.” You feel your cheeks heat up as they turn red with embarrassment.

“Uh. . no I’m not his girlfriend. . I mean. . he tried to kiss me twice. . I think. . and I. . I may have kissed him. . but I don’t even know if that was really him,” you wipe a stray tear from your eye quickly before Han could see that you were about to cry again.

“What do you mean?”

You sighed heavily and looked up at him. “Right now, before I woke up, I was in a red room with Ben. He was kneeling to a creepy looking man that was sitting on some sort of throne. Ben called him master at first but before I woke up he called him Supreme Leader. I don’t know how accurate my information is considering the source but his name is Snoke isn’t it?” Han’s eyes widened. Apparently, he knows all about Snoke which is good because you have no idea who he is aside from being the asshole leader of the First Order.

“The reason Ben found me was because of Snoke. Ben’s ‘mission’ was to befriend me and gain my trust. Then...then...UGH,” you groan before pausing to choke back another round of angry tears. Han stops pacing and sits back down next to you. He places one arm awkwardly across your shoulders and pulls you in for an equally awkward side hug. The gesture, like with Chewie, is endearing and oddly sentimental. It's how you imagined hugging your father would feel. You quickly push aside the thought and the accompanying feelings. You refuse to get attached to anyone else. Even with that realization, you don’t push Han away.

“Snoke wanted Ben to bring me to him and for some reason he wanted me to go willingly. Ben left his Kylo Ren stuff on the ship and kept some of his stuff, like his saber and clothes with him in his bag. I think he was afraid I'd know recognize his name if he told me the truth which is why he went with Calrissian."

“Calrissian huh?” Han snorts.

“Is that name familiar?” 

“Yeah, you could say that. The man that was with me in your vision was Lando Calrissian, Ben’s uncle in a way. He must have figured with my line of ‘work’ and the circles you run in, according to Maz, that you probably heard of me. Everyone knows Leia’s name so I guess he was hoping you had no idea who Lando is.”

“Yeah, no idea who Lando is but of course I’ve heard of the famous smuggler Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon. Kessel Run in twelve parsecs?”

“Twel-” he pauses and glances at you. “Maybe once this is all over and Ben pulls his head out of his ass he’ll admit he has feelings for you and you'll stick around. I like you and I know Leia will too.” 

You smile back but feel your cheeks redden again. The cheerfulness between the two of you evaporates once you remember everything else that happened.

* * *

Poe stands with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at you with his mouth partially open as you tell him, Chewie, and Han about the events that took place since you last saw Poe. Once you conclude your story, none of them speak or move. You start shuffling from one foot to the other once the silence gets uncomfortable. “For kriff's sake! Someone say something! Nothing I told you is _that_ hard to believe,” you grumble and place your hands on your hips. You and Han begin to chuckle once Chewie growls a couple of words. Poe looks to you and Han, impatiently waiting for one of you to translate.

“He said Ben liking a girl is hard to believe,” Han smirks.

You're not sure whether you want to snap at them and tell them Ben's doesn't have feelings for you or if you want to stay quiet and enjoy the idea. You would enjoy it a lot more if the situation was different. Everyone, aside from Poe, is confident in your ability to bring Ben back to the light somehow which makes you think the possibility of you two being together isn't too far-fetched, as long as you could get him back. So much would need to change in order for that to happen. Whether or not bringing Ben back is possible, you have a ridiculous amount of challenges ahead of you.

“Poe, are you going to say something, or are you just going to stand there gawking at me?” 

“Sorry. It’s just a lot to take in. I shouldn't have left Batuu without you. None of this would have happened. You wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in now. _Kylo Ren_ wouldn’t be after you and neither would Snoke,” he sighs.

“Actually, they were coming for me either way. When I unblocked myself from the Force, Snoke sensed me just like Leia. That’s how _Ben_ found me. They would have tracked me down either way. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to fit in the X-Wing with you and BB8 and I wouldn’t have been able to get the other half of the map to Luke. So hush,” you smirk, hoping it would make him feel better. A series of beeps emanate from the cockpit, signaling the Falcon's impending arrival to whatever planet Han and Chewie needed to stop at before heading to the Resistance base. They turn to head to the cockpit and signal for you and Poe to follow.

"Where are we going," Poe asks while the two of you are looking down, fastening your seat belts. Both of you look up at the familiar-looking planet before Han can answer his question.

“JAKKU!” You and Poe yell at the same time.

“After everything I _just_ told you, we’re _still_ going to Jakku?” You ask with disbelief.

“She can’t go back there! Neither can I! The First Order found her there once already. In case you forgot she has the map to Skywalker! She needs to get back to the base as soon as possible!” Poe says angrily as he starts to unbuckle his belt. 

Your arm shoots across his chest and holds him in his seat to stop him from standing. He glances at you with a raised eyebrow, confused by your action, until the ship starts to shake violently. Poe surges forward and would have been thrown out of his seat had your arm not been there. Once the ship stabilizes and begins to descend, you remove your arm from his chest. “Thanks,” he smirks. The irritated angry Poe vanishes and the cocky flirty one suddenly appears. You roll your eyes at him and undo your own safety belt.

“Why are we here?” 

“There’s a junk trader here, Unkar Plutt. He has some parts for the Falcon. I haven’t been able to find them anywhere else but he has em. You two, stay here and out of sight. We won’t be long,” Han grabs a blaster from a small storage compartment near the ship's ramp. Chewie grabs his bowcaster and slings the strap around his shoulders. As the ramp lowers, you and Poe stand at the top and watch as Han and Chewie walk into the hot desert air.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” you say to Poe. Chewie and Han both pause, glance at each other, then turn to you.

“What?” You ask suspiciously. They lock eyes again and laugh before continuing on their way.

“What was that about?” Poe asks.

“No idea but something tells me we need to be ready to leave.” 

* * *

The two of you sit in the cockpit and stare out the window into the nothingness that is the Jakku desert. "I hate this place," you say quietly.

“Yeah I’ve only been here a few times but none of them were pleasant.” he sighs.

You suddenly have a strange feeling in your gut. A warning. Something's about to happen and whatever it is isn't good. The look on your face must communicate as much because Poe is suddenly on alert. “What? What’s wrong? Force stuff?” 

“I don't know. Something happened or something is going to happen. We need to find Han and Chewie and we need to get the hell out of here,” you say as you jump to your feet. 

“Wait! Here,” Poe says as he grabs the satchel that was on the floor next to the dejarik table. 

“What’s this?” You ask as you sifted through the bag.

“Maz said to give it to you. I don’t know what’s in there. She cryptically said ‘clothes and other things’ when I asked her.”

The bag did have a spare change of clothes, thankfully. Once the ship was back in the air the first thing you intended to do was bathe and change your disgusting clothes. You continue to dig through the bag, sensing whatever was in it would be helpful, until your hand bumps into two separate items. One is a thick, old, musky book. You glance at it and quickly set it down on the table. The second item makes your eyes widen as soon as you touch it. Poe watches you with curiosity as you quickly pull your hand out of the bag to show him what you found. The lightsaber in your palm didn’t feel as ‘right’ as the one that's now in pieces thanks to Kylo Ren but it's better than no saber at all. 

Even though it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel wrong either, just different. Igniting the blade, you aren’t surprised to see the blade is also blue. Poe steps back while you give it a few practice swings, twirling it in circles on each of your sides. Poe starts to chuckle while watching you. “What?” You ask defensively, deactivate the saber, and clip it to your belt. He puts a blaster in his holster and hands you one. “I know we haven't spent much time together but I’ve never seen you smile and right now you look extremely happy." 

“Well, not trying to throw myself a pity party but I rarely have something to smile about,” you say without making eye contact. After taking the blaster from Poe you place it in your holster quickly. If you look up at him you're sure you’ll see pity on his face. You turn to walk down the ramp, calling over your shoulder. “Let’s go, Dameron. The old man and the Wookie need us.” As you descend the Falcon's ramp, you hear Poe’s hurried footsteps follow close behind you.

* * *

Poe's leading the way to Niima Outpost where Unkar Plutt apparently does his business. Looking around at the people milling around, you can’t help but feel bad for them. Jakku is an awful place to visit and you can’t imagine actually living here. The last time you were here you had only spent a few hours in the evening with the sundown and it was hot. During the day the sun is unbearable. When the outpost is in plain sight, you hear Chewie roar angrily. You can see a group of larger men surrounding both him and Han. They have them outnumbered. Quickly grabbing your lightsaber from your belt, you run straight toward them. While running you see one of the men hit both Han and Chewie from behind, force their hands behind their heads, and push them to their knees in front of a gross fat man. He's wearing a series of metal plates over his chest and a weird hat.

“Shit!” Poe says as he starts to run behind you. Once you're within blasting distance, Poe begins to fire blasts in their direction, careful not to shoot too close to Han or Chewie. You don’t bother taking out your pistol. Instead, you raise your hand and push the men standing behind Han and Chewie using the Force. The men fly through the air and land a few yards away. Poe manages to hit one of the men in the leg and another in the arm. He isn't shooting to kill, only to slow them down or incapacitate them. When you get closer to Han and Chewie, there are three men still standing, aside for the fat man. They have various blunt weapons but no blasters which makes you smile. Based on the fat man’s reaction, you assume it looks a bit unsettling considering the circumstances.

“Poe, uncuff Han, and Chewie. Don’t let that asshole get away,” you gesture towards Plutt whose trying to slowly back away unnoticed but freezes when you call him out.

“I’ve already alerted the First Order! They’ll be here in minutes and I’ll be rich! Do you have any idea how much they're offering for these two! The famous Han Solo and his Wookie companion,” he chuckles, and the sound grates on your nerves. If the First Order has been alerted so has Kylo Ren. Snoke told him he isn’t to leave the ship he's on but would that order change if they know where you're at and who you're with? The men you had pushed with the Force are now standing, weapons in hand, and angrily walking towards you. This part of a fight is your favorite. When large men try to intimidate you with their size. They have no idea what you're capable of and it always excites you.

Poe yells your name as he starts to step away from Han and Chewie in order to help you.

You put your hand out in his direction and point as a warning. Poe freezes. Instead of holding your palm out like you would when using the Force, you point at him and grit your teeth. “Uncuff Chewie and Han _now._ Get the Falcon parts and go.” Poe swallows thickly and takes a step back towards Chewie and Han.

“Take my advice. When a woman gets that look in her eye, you do what she says. You’ve been around Leia enough. You should know that by now.”

“I’m just now noticing the similarities,” Poe huffs. While un-cuffing Han and Poe he pauses every few seconds to look your way. Once Chewie is un-cuffed, he roars and grabs Plutt by his fat neck. Han grabs his blaster off of the ground where it had been thrown and places it against Plutt’s chest. 

“Now where were we? Oh right. You have some parts for us and I believe they're free of charge,” Han smirks.

“Now wait just a-” Plutt begins to argue but stops when Chewie angrily roars and gives him a couple of rough shakes by his neck.

Chewie and Han push Plutt back towards his little shack with a blaster to his back. Poe doesn’t follow, instead, he keeps his distance and waits for you. He can’t, in good conscience, turn his back and leave you alone to face a group of large heavily armed thugs. He's genuinely worried about you until he hears you quietly laugh. With your lightsaber ignited you charge one of the large men. Once close enough to him you place one hand on his shoulder and flip over his head. After landing directly behind him, you shove your saber straight through his chest and yank it out forcefully once you're sure he isn’t going to get back up.

Two men come at you at once, one is swinging an ax, and the other has a blaster. When the man lifts his blaster you hear Poe gasp from behind you. Rolling your eyes you hold out your hand towards the blast that's shot directly at you. Instead of reflecting the blast back at him, you decide to have some fun. You bat the blast away so he sends several blasts at you in succession as you approach. Each blast is easily deflected. When the man swings his ax, you duck and take out his legs with a low kick. As he falls to the ground, you swing your lightsaber on to his knees. He screams when the lower halves of his legs are cauterized and severed. You twirl the saber in a circle at your side once before lifting it back up towards the man with the blaster. The blood has drained from the man's face and his eyes widen when he sees you're approaching him. His hands begin to tremble in fear as you close the distance between you.

For the sake of being dramatic, you hold your saber straight ahead of you and stick out your hand. Using the force as an invisible hand, you grab the man around the neck and pull him towards you slowly. You happily watch as the man slowly impales himself on your saber. Once the lightsaber slides through his stomach and out his back, you swing it upwards in an arc. The blade easily cuts through the man’s body, leaving him in two pieces once the saber's removed. Satisfied with your work, you deactivate the saber and turn to follow after Han and Chewie. You stop when your eyes met Poe’s. He's completely shocked by the carnage he just witnessed. Never in his life has he seen something so brutal done by someone so small and innocent looking while they laughed. He knows you're powerful but he had no idea just how strong you are. He's never been afraid of you, until now. 

“What?” You ask angrily and a bit defensively.

“Nothing that was just...intense,” Poe says as he glances at the corpses and the now legless man.

“They turned us into the First Order, which may I remind you, is the second time it's happened in your company. They're going to do god knows what to Han and Chewie. Sorry if I didn’t give them a smack on the wrist before letting them go,” you sneer and stomp past him. 

You make your way to the Falcon, knowing Han and Chewie will be close behind you. The nagging sense of trouble is no longer bothering you so you felt no need to trail behind them. When you get to the ship you walk up to the ramp and sit halfway between the sand and the entrance to the Falcon to wait for them. Poe joins you soon after but says nothing. Han and Chewie come into view with a noticeable pep in their step. You assume it's because they got the parts they needed and then some. When they're halfway to the ship that nagging feeling comes back so fast and intensely it makes you gasp. You jump to your feet when you see Plutt behind Han and Chewie. He's aiming a very large blaster directly at their backs.

“MOVE!” You yell and run toward them. Without question the two dive to the ground as very large blast speeds past where they had been standing, directly to you. Using the Force you stop it before it can reach any of you. The anger that boils within you is so intense you're shaking. The reaction doesn't go unnoticed by your traveling companions. Deciding quickly what to do, you deflect the blast and watch as it lands on Plutt’s shack. He yells and turns to save what he can of the once standing structure but before he can, he freezes.

You wrap an invisible hand around his neck and squeeze before pulling him towards you. Due to the distance, it takes him a minute to get to you but when he does he stops suddenly as if he hit an invisible wall. Plutt gasps and claws at the invisible hand, desperately trying to clear his airway. You say nothing and squeeze a bit harder. Han, Chewie, and Poe watch as the man's face slowly starts turning blue and his legs start twitching. Han appears on your left and Chewie appears on your right without realizing they were even approaching you. Han places his hand on your outstretched arm, getting your attention instantly.

"Let him go kid. We've gotta go. The First Order is gonna be here any minute," Han says with pleading eyes, eyes that say he's been in this position before. You glance between him and Plutt who was slowly losing consciousness. You loosen your Force grip on his neck but don't release him completely. He gasps and harshly inhales a couple of deep breaths before you squeeze once more.

“He was going to sell you, sell _us_ all to the First Order. The men he was with hurt you guys,” you say through gritted teeth and squeeze his neck once more.

“Maybe, but he didn’t. You stopped him. You don’t want this on your conscience kid. Let him go. He’ll get what he deserves but it doesn’t need to be from you,” he gently squeezes your arm once in an effort to ground you. Part of you wants to watch the life slowly drain out of Plutt. The other part of you wants to do as Han says. You have fought and killed people in self-defense but you've never killed someone that was at your mercy like the man slowly choking in front of you. You're about to release him when you hear a voice faintly in the back of your head.

_"Do it. He deserves it. He was going to hurt your friends. He would sell you if he had the chance. He's a plague on the people here. He starves and beats anyone weaker than him. You'll be doing everyone a favor. Snap his neck and be done with it."_

You have no idea whose voice you just heard. The only voice in you're head you've ever heard is Ben's and whoever spoke is definitely not Ben, but the voice has a point. You would be doing everyone a favor. The anger in you is so intense it's hard to push aside and see reason. At least it is until Chewie gets involved. He doesn’t place his hand on your arm like Han did, instead, he ruffles your hair again like he had in the Falcon and grunts. You glance at him after he removed his large hand from the top of your head.

"He's right kid, he's not worth it."

The growing affection you have for the two of them overpowers the anger and bloodlust flowing through your veins. With a heavy sigh, you release Plutt. He falls to the ground harshly, choking on sand and desperately gasping for air. Once the anger subsides, shame takes over. Seeing the look on Poe’s face once you turn in his direction doesn’t help at all. You had completely lost control. Never in your life have you felt so angry and bloodthirsty. Never once have you wanted to purposely inflict pain on someone. Once again you assume Han has experience with similar situations. He nudges you gently in the ribs with his elbow as you make your way to the ramp.

“Don’t sweat it. It happens. If anyone deserved to have the life choked out of him it would be him. Just not today and not by you.” Chewie grumbles in agreement as he follows you up the ship's ramp. The familiar sound of TIE fighters echoes throughout the Falcon as Chewie begins to raise the ramp. Without a word, Han runs to the pilot’s seat with you close behind him. Chewie growls, suggesting you take the co-pilot’s seat.

Instead of arguing you do as he asks and buckle yourself in. Poe runs straight for the gunner position. You have a feeling they’ve had to do this before if Poe knows exactly where to go and did so wordlessly. Once the ramp's lifted, Chewie joins you in the cockpit and sits behind Han in the Engineer's seat. You've piloted your fair share of ships but you're suddenly extremely nervous. The sudden feeling that washes over you doesn't help either. You start to zone out, focusing on the feeling you're getting in an effort to figure out what exactly the Force is trying to tell you. Han quickly switched on the ship as he and Chewie both press buttons and pull various levers, prepping the Falcon for take off.

“What’s the matter, kid? I thought you’ve piloted before!” Han says urgently, snapping you out of your daze.

“Uh yeah sorry. I just have a weird feeling like there's something here on Jakku I'm missing or need to look into further but I know we have to go. I'm going to need to come back to Jakku when all of this blows over. Also, I honestly never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be piloting the Millennium Falcon with Han Solo and Chewbacca,” you smile.

“ _Co-piloting_. Only one other person has piloted the Falcon, aside for Chewie,” Han says. He opens his mouth to answer the question he assumes you're about to ask but you answer for him.

“Ben?” You say without looking at him.

Han is silent for a few seconds as the Falcon began to ascend. 

“Ben.”

* * *

After a stressful chase between the Falcon and a couple of TIE fighters, thanks to some impressive defensive and offensive flying, you and Han manage to lose your entourage. The two of you sigh with relief and sit back in your seats. 

“Where’d you learn to fly like that kid?” Han asks curiously.

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I’ve flown before but never a ship like the Falcon and never like _that."_ Your brow furrows and you bite the inside of your cheek. “Ya know, now that I think about it. There’s a lot of things I know how to do or have knowledge of all of a sudden that I didn’t before.”

Han frowns and looks out into the vastness of space. “I wish I knew how to help you or had answers for you but it’s probably something to do with the Force and Ben and all that mystical crap.” He watches you while you sit quietly, deep in thought. “Why don’t you go get cleaned up, grab some food, and rest. No offense but you look like shit,” he says with a smile.

You can’t help but laugh at his bluntness. In the short time you’ve known him you’ve learned that Han Solo isn’t the best with words and he has a tendency to say what he's thinking and that's something you greatly appreciate.

“What about you?” 

“I’ve gotta wait a bit before I can set her on autopilot. I wanna make sure she’s headed to the coordinates Dameron gave me and that we don’t have anyone following us. But I’ll do the same in a bit.”

“Alright old man, sleep well.”

* * *

The fresher in the Falcon isn't anything out of the ordinary but it's very clear the ship is home to two older men. You're not a clean freak by any means but the state the fresher is in would make most people shudder. It's in desperate need of deep cleaning. You wonder whether Han would take offense to either you cleaning it or suggesting a cleaning droid do it. You feel like you can be honest and open with Han without him taking offense, just like he's been doing with you, but you're still afraid of overstepping. Han and Chewie didn't necessarily do anything to be indebted to them but you felt like you owe them for some reason. Maybe it's the kindness and concern for you they seemed to have since you first met them. Maybe it's because of Han and Chewie's evident devotion and love for Ben. Maybe it's because they seem to care for you and have faith in you. It doesn't matter either way really.

After a long and relaxing shower, you wrap a towel around your waist and leave the fresher. Your hair is still wet and hanging down over your shoulders. You always put it up in a messy bun and are just now realizing how long it's gotten. It's almost long enough to completely cover your breasts which is the longest it's ever gotten and quite frankly, you hate it. Due to the recent events, it's been a while since you last washed it and you're glad you haven't had a chance to look in a mirror. You can't imagine how horrible you've probably looked. You feel like a completely new person now that you didn't have various pieces of the Takodana forest in your hair, Jakku sand in your boots, and dried blood and dirt on your skin. More than anything, you're excited to sleep in an actual bed.

Your dirty and ruined clothes are bundled under your left arm and your boots are in that hand. Your belt and holster are under your right arm and your saber is in your right hand as you make your way to the room Han says is 'yours.' As usual, the relaxed eagerness you felt was short-lived once the base of your skull starts to tingle, the same way it did in the forest when your connection to Ben opened. Without turning around, you freeze in the corridor of the Falcon, knowing you were somehow going to communicate with Ben. You drop your belongings on the ground next to you, making sure your saber is on top of the pile of dirty clothes. When you hear Ben gasp from behind you, you quickly turn around.

Instead of hearing his quiet voice in your head like before, he's standing a stone's throw away from you, clearly shocked and confused. The anger rises in you quickly and without thinking, you activate your lightsaber and launch it towards him like a javelin using the Force. He gasps again and his hands fly to his stomach where the lightsaber would have impaled him had he actually been standing in front of you. When it's clear he's not actually in front of you, you deactivate the saber and bring it back to you like a boomerang then drop it onto your pile of clothes again. Even though you're just as surprised at Ben's sudden appearance as he is, apparently you still had enough common sense to use your saber than your blaster. After looking down and making sure he wasn't impaled, his eyes quickly snap to yours before he scans your face.

"You will tell me your location," Ben says with an outstretched hand in your direction. The asshole was trying to Jedi mind trick you. With one hand on your hip, the other holding your towel, you give him the deadliest glare you can muster. Of all the things for him to do or say upon seeing you for the first time since his betrayal, that is not what you were expecting. The anger you felt didn't rise but it simmered. You had no idea why you expected anything different at this point.

“I’ll tell you my location after you choke on a dick you insufferable piece of shit.”

He lowers his hand slowly without taking his eyes off of you. His jaw tenses and he bites the inside of his cheek. “How are you doing this?” He asks with genuine curiosity as if you didn’t just tell him to digest a sexual reproductive organ.

“You really think I’d willingly seek you out to have a nice chat? If I could do this, whatever this is, do you really think you'd be the first person I'd reach out to? Quite frankly I'd rather fight another one of those monster things on Takodana than you."

“You aren’t strong enough to do this. This is something else,” he continues to stare at you with curious fascination. Even though you were answering his question, he ignores you and seemingly continues the conversation he's having with himself. 

“You can’t see my surroundings can you?”

“Does it matter? I could care less where you are as long as you’re far away from me,” you say with obvious irritation.

“I can’t see yours.” Momentarily he looks around you to try and make out your surroundings, anything that could hell him where you are. His eyes suddenly stop scanning your surroundings and stop on you. To your dismay, the intensity of his gaze makes your stomach flutter. 

“Just you... _only you_ ,” he swallows hard and averts his gaze from you for the first time.

It doesn’t escape your notice how his cheeks redden before he looks away from you. He is just now realizing you're wet and only wearing a towel. You're glad you still have the ability to make him uncomfortable and a little part of you is still happy you have an effect on him. At least that wasn't an act. When you don't speak he glances back at you, making sure to keep his eyes above your chin. At the moment, Ben is in front of you, not Kylo Ren which means the anger you feel towards him is starting to dwindle. At least it was until he opens his mouth.

“I felt the darkness in you while you were on Jakku with Han Solo. I felt it flow through your veins as you cut down those men. I felt the joy and excitement running through you as you swung your lightsaber, intent on ending their lives without an ounce of mercy. It was . . it was beautiful,” he says with genuine reverence.“You welcomed the darkness, and you enjoyed it.”

Of course, Kylo Ren would return the moment you started to calm down. All at once, things make sense. The reason Snoke wants you and the reason Ben found you both have to do with the dark side. They mentioned how strong you are and you know you're his equal power-wise. They normally kill Force users but Snoke wants you alive. They want you to go to the dark side and they want it to happen willingly. It's obvious Snoke wants to use you for your power, the way he's so obviously using Ben for his. But that doesn't explain why Ben wants you to turn. 

It was clear he still hopes you'll willingly choose the dark side but what wasn’t clear was whether it was his desire to have you by his side or if he just wants to please Snoke. Your brow furrows while you stare back at him. There are a number of things you want to say and do to him, a majority of them are violent. However, the only thing you can do is stand and stare at him. He wants to get a rise out of you and he wants to see you lash out emotionally. If you react to his words the way he hopes you will, it means you still feel something for him, which you do. Regardless of what happened between the two of you and the events that lead up to it, the thought of you hating him hurts him.

He shifts from one foot to the other while you stare at him in silence that was now uncomfortable. The intensity of your scrutiny as you take in his appearance is hard to ignore. Taking him in from head to toe, you notice a difference in him since the last time you saw one another face to face. He's visibly tenser and his face is more sunken in and devoid of color. His hair no longer looks soft and thick like it did when you met him. It looks like he either hasn't bothered to wash it or just doesn't care what it looks like. Even from opposite ends of the corridor, you can see the bags under his eyes have intensified. Sick of the silent stare down, he slowly takes a step toward you then pauses to gauge your reaction. When you don't react he takes that as an invitation to take another step toward you with the intent of closing the gap between the two of you. You notice he's limping slightly with each small step he takes. You have no doubt Snoke's punishment has caused it.

The thought of Snoke snaps you out of the daze his appearance induced. When you notice him slowly closing the space between you, you finally react by taking a couple of steps back which freezes him in place. The look of disappointment quickly passes across his face before it's covered with his stoic mask of apathy. You _hate_ the emotionless appearance he likes to hide behind and decide to do something about it.

“How’s Snoke? Did you tell him _everything_ ” You ask nonchalantly as if you're asking about the weather.

Ben’s shoulders tense and his mouth opens to speak but closes, having been rendered speechless. The thought of you seeing that interaction not only unsettles him but it also embarrasses him. Even if you hate him, he doesn't want you to think he's weak. He wants you to see him as your equal in the Force and in battle. Ben knows there's no way you'll still feel that way after watching him kneel to Snoke or after seeing how powerless he is against his mental probing. He's sure you'd think he's just as weak as Snoke claims he is. The thought alone causes his temper to rise. It unsettles him because it also means you may be able to spy on him without being noticed, just like he did to you while you were on Jakuu.

* * *

Ben had fallen asleep but was woken up when he felt a change in the atmosphere around him. The room was incredibly hot and bright and when he opened his eyes he was lying in the middle of the desert, surrounded by sand. Shocked at what he was seeing, he quickly stood and took in his surroundings. He had no idea what was happening until he saw you and Poe walking down the ramp of his father's ship. He thought you could see him until you glanced in his direction and didn't react. He released the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding and followed the two of you as you went after Han and Chewie. It was no surprise to him when you found them cuffed and captured.

Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest, Ben stood nearby and watched as you braced yourself for a fight. Your movements were similar to his which surprised him. From what you had said you had never had any formal lightsaber or fight training. The way you move suggested otherwise. Each swing of your lightsaber suggested you had been fighting for years. He caught himself stepping towards you once multiple men began to approach you all at once. Chastising himself for his reaction and concern for your safety, he nervously stood to the side next to Dameron. 

Ben had never been close with Poe or fond of him even though the two of them had practically grown up together. He was always carefree and bubbly. The way he was with girls always made Ben uncomfortable because he had always been the exact opposite. Ben was awkward and uncomfortable around most kids his age because he couldn’t relate to them. Poe was not a Force user and neither was anyone his age, at least not until he was shipped off to Luke. Ben was powerful and had a bad temper. Poe was average and laid back. Ben was awkward looking due to his small stature which quickly changed after a rather painful growth spurt. He was too tall and his ears were too big for his head. His thoughts on his appearance were only confirmed when he overheard a couple of girls discussing him once. Poe was of average build and conventionally handsome, or so he had heard. Poe was always close with Leia as well, even more so now that he was the poster boy for the Resistance. Ben had always been closer with his mother than his father but he made them uncomfortable, he scared them. 

He would rather die than admit it, but Ben always envied Poe. When he was younger he would have given anything to be average, to fit in. It wasn’t until he was older did he realize fitting in didn’t matter, only power did. Since he was younger he hadn’t given Dameron a second thought, until recently. The feelings of jealousy had been long gone now that he knew how superior he was to him in every way. Now that he sees the two of you freely interact, jealousy reared its ugly head. First, it was on Batuu when he saw the two of you together and that was before he had spoken a single word to you. Watching him be able to so freely interact with you and to have the ability to talk to you filled him with jealousy. Knowing Poe had the ability to touch you if you wanted him to, filled Ben with rage. The thought of anyone touching you had that effect on him but it was to an extreme when he thought of Dameron doing it. He had always gotten everything Ben had wanted, taking you from him would be the last straw. He would do everything in his power to destroy Dameron if he even so much as thought about touching you. 

The look on Dameron’s face as he watches you cut down Plutt’s men with excitement proves even more, that he doesn’t deserve you. No one will understand you like he does if only he could make you see that. You make Poe uncomfortable, he fears you and the darkness he has just seen. Ben, on the other hand, is a little turned on. It's a feeling he can’t even remember feeling in the past. The more he watches, the harder he gets, and the creepier he feels. Even though you aren’t doing anything sexual, his reaction to you makes him feel like some sort of perverted voyeur. Ben has no idea how to stop whatever is allowing him to watch you. Thankfully, as soon as he acknowledges the new and uncomfortable feelings you're causing, you make your way to the Falcon, Poe silently follows. Ben walks beside you, glancing at you every once in a while, hoping to freely take in your appearance without being caught staring. 

When you were together he would steal as many glances as he could without being noticed. The longest he had been able to fully take in your beauty was while on Takodana, before arriving at Maz’s castle. Now, he could take you in without interruption and without being noticed. He longed to reach out and touch you after remembering how soft your skin is and how nice your hair felt between his fingers. For a moment he considered outstretching his hand to see what would happen if he touched you if he even could. 

The thought was interrupted once you reached the Falcon’s ramp. He watches as you yell at his father and Chewbacca, deflecting a blast that was meant for them. Ben's taken aback by the amount of power you display when pulling Plutt to you. He feels the darkness spread through you more so than before as the desire to end Plutt’s life climbs. It stops when his father and Chewbacca calm you down, an action he's familiar with. An unfamiliar feeling spreads throughout his chest, the feeling of longing, longing for his father’s company, and for yours. Just as soon as the feeling comes, it leaves him, and so does the vision.

* * *

“Spying on me were you?” He sneers. “I should have-” you cut him off before he can finish whatever cruel thing he's about to say.

“It’s only fair, isn’t it? After all, wasn’t that exactly what you were doing to me? Spying on me in order to figure me out so you could lure me to the ‘dark side’ by pretending to be my friend, pretending to care about me! I don’t trust _anyone_ and I haven’t for a while! But I trusted _you, Ben_! I trusted you because I didn’t think you would hurt me. I trusted you because I thought. . I thought,” you felt your eyes begin to sting with unshed tears. You close them and will your tears not to fall. You don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his betrayal has hurt you.

“You thought what? Say it,” he says quietly as he slowly starts to walk towards you again. When you open your eyes you can no longer tell which side of Ben is standing in front of you. The look on his face is anxious and impatient. He's hoping you'll say something specific, he's _longing_ for you to say what he wants to hear. Just as you open your mouth to answer him, Poe opens the door to his quarters, steps into the corridor behind you, and calls out your name.

You quickly turn your head in Poe’s direction then turn back to face Ben. He's almost within arms reach of you now. Knowing your conversation has been interrupted and the connection between the two of you may end at any moment, desperation courses through him. 

“I thought you were different. I thought you cared about me...Little Starfighter,” you whisper as a treacherous tear falls down your cheek. The look on his face is something you’ll never forget because you've never witnessed such a variety of emotions all at once. 

Ben whispers your name and takes a small step closer to you. While he gets closer to you, so does Poe. 

“Are you okay? Who are you talking to?” 

You glance over your shoulder before looking back at Ben and staring into his eyes while responding to Poe. Since Ben can't see your surroundings you're assuming he can't hear or see Poe. Remembering how jealous he felt on Takodana when Poe spun you around, you intend to make sure he knows who you're talking to while you're practically naked.

“I’m fine Poe. I’m not talking to anyone. I'm alone as usual,” you say without breaking eye contact with Ben and wipe the lone tear from your cheek. Turning your back to Ben, you give Poe a small smile. The tingling at the base of your neck disappears and when you glance over your shoulder, Ben is gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did ya'll read the last issue of the Rise of Kylo Ren comic? Is your heart bleeding as much as Ben's kyber crystal? 
> 
> Cool. 
> 
> Me too.
> 
> What happens in the visions of the past is taken directly from TROKR comics.


	7. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's past is questionable and so is his timing.

* * *

_It’s haunting  
_ _This hold that you have over me  
_ _I grow so weak  
_ _I see you  
_ _And everything around you fades  
_ _And I can’t speak  
_ _But you can never know what it is you do to me  
  
_ _In This Moment - The Promise_

* * *

D’Qar’s terrain is green and verdant, with flourishing trees that put the greenery on other planets to shame in. Careful not to damage a single one of the immense and unique growths, the Resistance chose this planet for their base. Grassy hills and tall trees provide a natural camouflage for their hangars and other structures. The base appears to be bustling with activity upon your arrival, and nearly all of which is hidden from above. Their base of operation isn’t as big as you expected. At first, it seems to be overflowing with people but the further you get from the makeshift hangar, the fewer people you see. For some reason, when thinking about the Resistance, you pictured this massive regime that rivals even the First Order in size. That is definitely not the case and how vastly outnumbered they are is concerning.

Poe leads you through the base with the intention of taking you straight to General Organa. However, the walk takes a lot longer than you anticipated due to Poe’s apparent popularity. Every few feet someone approaches him to shake his hand or pat him on the back. Every female that passes him either wink, which of course he has to return, or hugs him. The dirty looks you’re receiving for being so close to Poe do not go unnoticed. Especially once Poe places his hand on your lower back to guide you through the base. 

“I would have never guessed someone so annoying could be so popular,” you say. You’re not positive but you think you hear Han chuckle from behind you. He tried to make an excuse to avoid the General, something about needing to work on the Falcon, but Chewie would have none of it. They were following close behind you and Poe as he led you to Leia. 

“What can I say, us Resistant members have good taste,” Poe smirks. 

“You say they have good taste, I say they're delusional. This further cements my decision not to join the Resistance,” you say with a smile. 

After brushing off his growing fan base, the four of you finally reach the base’s command center which is staffed by guards at multiple levels. There’s no issues entering the building because they recognize Poe at once. They cautiously glance at you but because of who you’re accompanying, they say nothing. When you arrive at the conference room Leia is conversing with a number of, who you assume, are senior Resistance officers. Poe moves directly to Leia’s side with a serious look on his face you had yet to see for yourself. It’s immediately obvious how much he respects her and looks up to her by his demeanor alone.

“General Organa, sorry to interrupt but-” 

Leia waves off the officers she is speaking with gently pushes Poe out of the way and walks directly towards you. You’ve heard so much about the Princess of Alderaan, she's practically a living legend which is why you're a little nervous as she makes her way to you. You aren’t expecting the regal and commanding presence the older woman emanates. It’s clear she’s an authoritative figure and royalty just by how she carries herself. It’s hard not to be intimidated. Unsure of what proper protocol is when meeting someone of Leia’s status, you stand still and watch as she approaches you. Once directly in front of you, she gives you the warmest smile you’ve ever seen and pulls you into a tight hug. Your eyes dart to Han and Poe, silently asking them for help. Much to your chagrin, the two men merely shrug and smirk. You’re so so tired of men smirking at you.

“I’m so happy we found you,” Leia says softly.

“I don’t mean any disrespect when I say this but the feeling isn’t exactly mutual Leia,” you say sarcastically while bringing your arms up to return her hug. She has a calming effect on you that’s hard to ignore. Once again, that familiar sense of ‘home’ and ‘family’ washes over you.

Poe’s smirk fades and he scowls once he sees how eagerly and easily you welcome Leia’s hug compared to his which he had to threaten you to get you to reciprocate. He crosses his arms across his chest and huffs like a child. You had to bite your cheek to keep yourself from laughing and instead, you roll your eyes at him once he makes eye contact with you. You refuse to let him see you found the action cute instead of annoying like everything else he does. When the room suddenly gets quiet, you notice the Resistance members that were within earshot all freeze and stare in your direction. You’re not sure what you did or what was said to receive such a reaction but they’re all looking at you as if you just personally signed an order for your own execution. You glance at Poe and Han once more. Han rolls his eyes and Poe mouths “General.” Apparently calling Leia anything other than General is a grievous mistake.

“Uh. . sorry. . General,” you say reluctantly. You don’t want to take orders from anyone and you don’t feel obligated to do so just because you found yourself siding with the Resistance against your will. Leia must notice your discomfort with the formalities because she chuckles. After releasing you, she keeps you at arms length with a hand on each of your shoulders.

“Leia, call me Leia,” she smiles. Realizing the room was still quiet she rolls her eyes and turns to address the room. “Get over it and get back to work!” she snaps. Instantly the room begins to buzz with activity and hushed conversation.

“We found her on Takodana with-” 

Poe doesn't get to finish his sentence and it's not because Leia is pushing him aside to speak to you. This time it’s because of the hand that slaps him across the face. Poe’s head snaps to the left and his eyes widen along with yours. You’ve never had more respect or affection for another woman than you did Leia at that moment. The shocked look on Poe’s face sends you into a fit of hysterical laughter. The shock vanishes from his face and a scowl directed at you replaces it. When you glance up to see his face it makes you laugh even harder. There are tears in your eyes and your stomach is cramping by the time you’re able to regain your composer. You wave your hand as if to say you’re sorry before you speaking. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That. . damn I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. Thank you for that.”

“What was that for?!” Poe asks indignantly as he diverts his attention from you to Leia.

“I specifically told you not to go to her unless she calls you and you did it anyways!” Leia throws her arms in the air with exasperation before placing both hands on her hips.

“Yeah but her com unit was destroyed. We went to the last known location to make sure she was okay. I-”

“You defied a direct order Dameron,” Leia says sternly. 

“We found her didn-” Han starts to say but Leia quickly turns to face him with her finger pointed in his face.

“I’ll get to you next! Don’t think you’re not in trouble!” Her frown melts when Chewie holds out his arms for a hug and grunts. “I missed you too Chewie,” she says with a smile.

Once the men have been put in their place, Leia turns back to you. The warm smile she had gifted you returns. She places one of your hands in both of hers and speaks with you quietly to prevent anyone else from overhearing.

“Han told me he saw Ben. You were with him?” 

Irritatingly your eyes fill with tears again. Instead of responding, afraid your voice may crack, you simply nod. Leia returns your nod and squeezes your hand. You’re still not quite used to so much physical contact but it seems like a normal thing to do with acquaintances and friends. Even though you aren’t particularly comfortable with being touched, it isn’t weird to you anymore and you no longer shy away from it.

“We have a lot to talk about don't we? Follow me.” The two of you are about to leave the room when Leia pauses and turns to the men that are trailing behind you. 

“You two stay here. I want to talk to her privately,” Leia says with finality.

Han knows better than to argue with her. He was present for a majority of what happened on Takodana and what he didn’t witness, you had filled him in on. He has no desire to piss off his wife even more than he already has. Poe opens his mouth to argue but Han grabs him by the arm before he can get a word out.

“Unless you want her to hit you again I suggest you do what she says. Trust me, you’re on thin ice as it is.” Han pulls Poe away from the two of you and leaves the room. 

Chewie grunts 'goodbye princess,' rustles your hair with his huge hand, and follows Poe and Han out of the building.

Why did he call you Princess?

* * *

Leia is extremely quiet as you tell her everything that has happened since meeting Luke five years ago. You summarize your life on the run but at her request, detail _everything_ that happened from the moment you met Poe until you landed on D’Qar, especially your interaction with Ben. You aren’t sure whether or not you should mention your weird bond with Ben or his sudden appearance on the Falcon so you leave that part out. You did mention the visions you had seen and the voice you had heard though.

If any of what you tell her surprises her, she doesn’t show it. You suppose years of politics made her good at hiding her emotions. Leia has been staring out the window ever since you started to tell her about Ben. She looks back at you once you start getting emotional and takes your hands in hers to provide comfort. When you conclude your tale, she’s silent for quite a while. You’re usually uncomfortable with the silence but because of the topic of discussion, you keep that to yourself and do your best to be patient.

“My son is still alive,” Leia says after a while. 

“Uh...well ...I mean yeah? Did you think he was dead?” You ask confused.

“I know Kylo Ren is alive but I thought my Ben had died that night at Luke’s temple,” she says with a sad smile.

“Oh...well....no. I haven’t known him very long but the person I spent time with was Ben. I know that much. I just. .”

“If anyone can bring him back to us, it’s you. I’ve always known there was still light in him. I knew it. What happened between the two of you only proves I’m right.”

“Leia I . . I don’t want to give you false hope. Ben chose to go back to the First Order, back to Snoke. He could have easily left with me but he didn’t. He chose to put on that stupid mask and turn his back on me. I don’t know what I could do to change his mind,” you sigh.

“I don’t expect you to fly to the Supremacy, pick Ben up and leave. I just know somehow you’ll be able to bring him back to me. . back to us,” she smiles with tears in her eyes. Between Han and Leia, you know right then that you will do everything in your power to bring Ben back to them. As much as you try to convince yourself otherwise, deep down you know you’d do anything to bring him back to you too.

* * *

After eating an embarrassing amount of food at the base’s mess hall, Poe escorts you to what will be your quarters whenever you’re at the base. Usually you have no issues sleeping literally anywhere but for some reason you find yourself wanting to sleep on the Falcon. When you can’t find Han or Chewie you decide to deal with your new room for the night and talk to them about sleeping on the Falcon the next day. You’re exhausted and want nothing more than to lay down somewhere safe and warm.

Poe leans on the door frame with his arms crossed and smirks. “So this is your room. It can sometimes get a bit cold in here at night but my room's right across the hall if you ever-”

“Goodnight Poe!” you say as you shut the door in his face. The fact that everyone cut him off constantly highly amuses you. Giggling to yourself, you examine your new living quarters. It’s bigger than anywhere you’ve slept in the past. The room’s large enough to have a small table and couch. It even has its own fresher with a rather large shower and bathtub. Even though you’re completely exhausted, the opportunity to sit in a large warm bath is too good to pass up. Quickly stripping, you start the hot water and hop into the tub. There’s an assortment of soaps sitting on a tray next to the tub. You have never felt more pampered in your life. If the Resistance has such things on hand you can’t imagine what type of luxuries Ben has available to him as one of the leaders of the First Order. Just as you begin to relax in the tub, which is now full of bubbles thanks to the heaps of soap you pour into the water, the tingling sensation at the base of your skull returns.

“Kriff,” you say under your breath as you quickly gather all the suds physically possible to cover all the important parts of your body.

When you crane your neck and glance over your shoulder, Ben is standing there half-naked and wet. A towel is wrapped around his waist and hanging dangerously low on his hips. The ears he tries to cover peak out between the wet strands of hair that's sticking to the sides of his head. It’s hard not to notice how his skin glistens due to the water that has yet to dry. You turn your head in the other direction before he notices you admiring his body. The moment he figures out what’s happening he gasps. 

“Ya know. . I’d like to think you really don’t have any control over this but it’s getting hard to believe considering I’ve been naked both times this has happened,” you say with confidence you don’t actually have. Once your cheeks no longer feel hot, you look over your shoulder at him. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. His knuckles are white due to the death grip he has on the towel around his waist. In order to conceal your smile, you quickly turn your attention back to the bubbles.

“What,” Ben starts to say but stops to clear his throat once his voice cracks. You can’t be sure but it sounds like he may have cursed under his breath. “What makes you think I want to see you, much less speak to you? You think much too highly of yourself,” he scoffs. If his voice hadn’t cracked and his cheeks weren’t so red you may have fallen for his act. Without his mask there’s no way for him to conceal his emotions from you. Even with his mask on you don’t think he’d be able to hide the truth from you, not anymore. For his sake you decide to play along with his act of indifference.

“Whatever you say handsome.” 

His heart is beating so fast and loud he’s sure you can hear it. The fact that you’re both naked in the same room is enough to nearly give him a heart attack but you calling him ‘handsome’ makes the entire situation much more nerve-racking. He’s close enough to touch you if that’s even possible with the weird connection you two seem to have. He desperately hopes you can’t sense exactly what he’s feeling because the whole ordeal is embarrassing enough as it is. It would only add insult to injury if he knew you were aware of how hard he's trying not to think about you naked. Ben's anxiety ramps up at your compliment but it isn’t an uncomfortable type of anxiety. It's the anxiety an inexperienced boy has when confronted with a naked girl he has feelings for. Even though you think he’s adorable, you’re still mad at him and this gives you the perfect opportunity to mess with him a bit. Swallowing the anxiety you yourself feel, you slowly start to sit up. He can’t see anything but your back but you know it’s enough to make him more uncomfortable.

“W-w-what are you doing? Where are you. . why are you moving?” He stammers. You hear him huff with annoyance at his inability to speak without stammering.

“The water’s cold. I was going to get out. Since you don’t have any desire to see me it shouldn’t be an issue right?”

“I...” 

As you start to stand, Ben turns his back to you so quickly you’re sure he gives himself a minor case of whiplash. Coughing to hide the laugh that almost slips out, you grab a towel and wrap it around your waist tightly. After drying your hair, you grab the shirt Poe had given you to sleep in and slip it over your head. Leia had given you spare clothes to wear throughout the day but stuff to sleep in was apparently not something many of the Resistance members concerned themselves with. Poe, helpful as usual, gave you a couple of his shirts.

It's petty but you're somewhat happy the Force decided to connect you and Ben before you went to bed. He’ll see you wearing Poe’s shirt and from experience, it seems he either doesn’t like Poe or is jealous. Either way, you're positive you'll get a reaction out of him.

Once you have the shirt on and a nice new pair of panties, you walk around Ben and enter your room. You aren’t sure whether or not the two of you can touch and quite frankly, you hope you can’t. Things would be a lot more complicated if you could. When you sit on your bed you notice his demeanor change the second he notices you're wearing a mans shirt.

“Sharing clothes with Dameron now are you? What else are you sharing with him?” he sneers.

“Quite frankly it’s none of your business what I share and with whom I share it with. But if you _must_ know, I didn’t have anything to sleep in so he gave me a couple of his shirts. He’s quite the gentleman ya know?” you say while pretending not to notice his jaw clenching.

“Yes I’m sure he’s helping you out of the kindness of his heart,” he snaps at you. Even though it’s your intention to get under his skin, you can feel yourself growing more and more irritated.

“If you had come with me I’d be wearing _your_ shirt, not Poe’s. I wouldn’t even need to wear something to stay warm if you were here. But you didn’t come with me and you aren’t here are you? That was _your_ choice. You _chose_ to go back to Snoke. No one forced you onto that ship with the huge shiny stormtrooper. You went willingly. So don’t you _dare_ give me shit about this whole thing when this is your doing,” you snap back at him.

He expected you to make a snide remark as he felt you grow more irritated but he hadn’t expected you to say you wanted to wear his clothes or that you wanted him to keep you warm. The feelings your words cause are unexpected and comforting which makes them extremely uncomfortable. While he's silently ruminating on your words and avoiding eye contact, you have the opportunity to truly look at him, not just with lust but in general.

His torso is spotted with dark bruises and the bags under his eyes are darker than ever. It's obvious he hadn’t been sleeping and had received some sort of physical punishment from Snoke or someone else. The small patches of burnt skin is also thanks to Snoke you suspect. He doesn’t look well at all, not compared to the affectionate boy you had met on Batuu. Without realizing what you were doing, you slide off your bed and approach him slowly. When you’re within arms reach of him you stick your hand out towards his chest but stop before you can touch him. His chest is rising and falling rapidly as his breathing speeds up due to your proximity.

“What happened?” you whisper. The concern in your eyes melts away his irritation.

“I’m fine,” he says back equally as quietly. He’s shocked when he sees your eyes gloss over with tears that threaten to spill.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean what’s wrong?! Look at yourself! You’re covered in bruises and burns. How can you ask me what’s wrong? Are you really that thick you. . stupid. . ugh you stupid nerf herder!” You clench your fists and cover your eyes with them while you yell.

His breath catches in his throat and his eyes widen at the familiar insult. Lowering your fists from your face, you take deep breaths in and out to calm down. Once you’re calm again you open your eyes and cross your arms over your chest. You’re still within arms reach of him but both of you are afraid to reach out to one another.

“Why...why Ben? I don’t understand. I know how you felt that night at the temple and how you still feel even now. People care about you whether you want to believe they do or not. You’re wanted...I...I want you. You don’t have to choose the path you’re on. Please... please...leave Snoke and the First Order. I’ll meet you wherever you want me to. You don’t have to come back to the base if you don’t want to and you don’t have to join the Resistance.”

Your plea has the exact opposite effect on him than you hoped it would. “Ah. You’re at the Resistance base. Which means you’ve met my mother. Your words and this. .this. . show you’re putting on would be a lot more convincing if I hadn’t heard the same exact speech from her in the past,” he scoffs.

“This ‘show’ I’m putting on? Are you kriffing kidding me right now? We can sense each other's feelings. Look me in the eye and tell me that what I’m feeling is bullshit. You’re a lot of things Ben Solo but you’re not stupid. At least I didn’t think you were but you’re trying really hard to prove me wrong.”

“You’re not as clever as you think you are. There’s nothing you can say to convince me to go crawling back to my mother.”

“Did you. . did you not hear a word I said?” You start to yell but stop and avert your eyes from him in favor of looking at the ground. You’re obviously not getting anywhere with him. He either doesn’t believe you or he doesn’t care. “Forget I said anything,” you say quietly. “I’m obviously wasting my time,” you sigh and quickly wipe away the tear that you feel is about to fall. It annoys you to no end how easily the man in front of you can make you cry. 

“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”

“Good. This conversation is boring me anyways.”

Sighing heavily, you lift the blankets on your bed and crawl underneath them. You aren’t sure how long your connection with Ben is going to last but you’re too tired to care. Rolling onto your side, you put your back to him and close your eyes. Just as you feel yourself dozing off, the tingling sensation disappears. You don’t have to turn around to know Ben’s gone.

* * *

Sleep eludes you once again. It’s hard not to get irritated with the visions that keep you from resting when you’re exhausted. Part of you wants them to stop so you can sleep but the other part of you wants to see as much of Ben’s past as you can because you know you’re seeing parts of himself he’ll never share with you. When you open your eyes you’re back at the temple but this time it’s in much better condition than when you were there. The sky is bright blue and freckled with white fluffy clouds that momentarily cover the warm sunlight that streams down from above. The ground is covered in thick soft-looking grass and the huts are still standing. The sky isn't dark, rain isn't pouring down on you, the temple isn't crumbling, nothing is on fire, and there aren't any bodies littering the ground. It's nice to see what it could have been like for you had things been different. A voice brings you out of your thoughts and diverts your attention to a man standing next to you.

“Good. All of you let the Force flow through you. It’s everywhere. To it, a stone in the air feels the same as a stone on the ground. Let it show you that truth. There is no difference. No difference at all,” Luke says with his hands resting on his hips.

It’s then you realize you’re surrounded by a group of young kids, sitting in a circle, and levitating rocks. The sad-looking boy with the onyx colored hair catches your attention right away. Ben seems to be a lot more advanced than the other students around him. The other kids stare at him with both jealousy and trepidation. Ben acts as if he doesn’t notice, as if it doesn’t bother him, but it does, you can feel it. Even though you know they can’t see or hear you, you scowl at the irritating kids and let out a huff of annoyance. You kneel down in front of Ben to get a better look at his younger self. There’s no way he’s older than eleven. Yet his eyes look so sad. You glance around at the kids surrounding him and at Luke who is lecturing them, hoping to see someone as concerned about him as you are but no one seems to notice him

Without realizing what you're doing, you outstretch your hand to touch his cheek. “Oh Ben. . you're so sad and lonely. I can feel it. You’re not alone,” you mutter while taking in his facial features. His eyes are staring down at the ground while levitating the rock, until you speak. They widen and dart up to meet yours as if he heard you. Startled, you gasp and fall backward onto your behind, and the vision changes.

* * *

Ben is a couple of years older now and is sitting next to an older bald man on a large boulder at the edge of a lake. His arms are crossed and one of his legs is draped over the other. 

“Why do you hide so much about yourself Ben?” The bald man asks him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Tai.” You couldn’t help but scoff at that. You're sure the bald man sitting next to Ben has known him longer than you have so it doesn’t surprise you when he doesn’t believe him either.

“Come on. You know the Force helps me sense things. You’ve got a box inside you where you lock things away and yours is locked tight,” the man glances at Ben from the corner of his eye.

Ben doesn’t bother to look at him. Instead he stares out across the water, tightening his arms across his chest which is no doubt a defense mechanism. It's a way for him to keep himself grounded, safe. 

“You know why. . I’m Ben Solo,” Ben says as he stands and turns his back to the bald man.

“Yeah but that’s exactly it. You need to be who you are. Everyone does. I don’t need to know your secrets- no one does. Unless you want them too. But you have to realize that people WILL accept all of you just as you are. I know you Ben Solo.. . you’re not as bad as you think,” the man says as he places a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“You keep saying you know me. . but no one knows me,” Ben says quietly as he shrugs off the bald man’s hand.

“I do,” you say quietly. Again, Ben’s attention snaps to you. He glances around wildly in your direction, trying to locate the source of the sound he's sure he heard. Just when it seems like his eyes are locked on to yours, the vision shifts.

* * *

Your feet hit the ground hard and your knees buckle. “Ughhhh this is starting to piss me off!” You yell at no one in particular. Shouting in the distance catches your attention immediately. The sound seems to be coming from below the tall cliff you’re standing on. Leaning over, you see Ben fighting a man with two tentacles where his chin should be, an older woman with grey hair, and the bald man Ben called Tai.

“Why did you have to follow me here?! Just let me go!” Ben yells desperately. With his saber pointed up and one hand outstretched, he uses the force to help propel himself upward onto the cliff next to you. Taking in your surroundings, you realize you’re standing outside of what you think might be another Jedi temple. “Geez how many of these places are there,” you say to yourself. 

“Absolutely not Solo! It’s too late for that!” The older woman yells and launches herself on to the cliff like Ben did.

“You betrayed the Jedi! How could you do that to Master Skywalker? To us! You’re a murderer and you must face justice!” The older woman yells as she launches herself at Ben.

“You think I’m a murderer Voe? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!?!” Ben yells with tears in his eyes. He outstretches his hand towards the woman.

“FINE!”

Voe is launched back into the air and over the edge of the cliff. Your hands cover your mouth and you gasp. The instant Ben pushes her, he regrets it.

“No!” he yells and scrambles towards the edge. Using the Force, Ben reaches out and tries to stop her fall.

“I can’t. . I can’t hold on,” he says through gritted teeth as sweat begins to trickle down his forehead. 

“You killed her! You monster!” The tentacled man yells and throws his lightsaber at Ben.

You call out to Ben when he doesn't seem to notice it heading in his direction. "Ben look out!!"

Ben’s head snaps to the right just as the lightsaber is thrown at him. He manages to barely step out of it’s way but it causes him to lose his concentration. The hold he has on the woman vanishes, and she plummets towards the ground.

Nothing made sense anymore. You aren’t sure whether Ben can actually hear you when you speak. You aren’t sure if he sidestepped the saber because of you or because he sensed it coming. And now you're not sure if the events that took place at the temple that night were all Ben’s fault like everyone assumes.

After sidestepping the saber, Ben still tries to save the woman. He isn’t able to stop her fall completely but he’s able to slow her down a bit. The bald man manages to stop her fall before she can hit the ground. Ben jumps off the side of the cliff and uses the force to gently land next to the two.

“Get in the outpost!” Ben says in a low menacing tone. The longer you watch him the harder it is to believe he technically wasn’t even an adult when all of this took place. 

“Ben what happened to-”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” He yells. Ben raises his hands and uses the Force to launch both the bald man and the older woman into the building before pulling it down on top of them. The last thing you hear before the rumble of the building collapsing is the two Jedi’s simultaneously yelling, “BEN!”

You jolt awake, covered in sweat, and breathing heavily. You're not sure what time it is but it doesn’t matter, you have to find Leia. 

* * *

It's extremely early when you find her in her office. Thankfully she’s either an early riser or she slept about as much as you did. When you locate her she’s sitting with a cup of caf in one hand and another one sitting in front of the empty chair directly across from her desk. It's obvious she's expecting you but it doesn't surprise you. Nothing surprises you anymore. 

“I’ve always been an early riser. . and I may have felt your distress,” Leia says quietly and takes a drink of her caf.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I woke you up! I really . . I can’t,” you sigh and try to gather your thoughts. “I keep having visions whenever I sleep. They’re from Ben's past at least I think they are. That’s why I came to find you. I’m sorry if I woke you up. I can’t really control it. I’m exhausted.” You sit down in the empty chair and place the warm mug in your hands. 

You can’t stop the embarrassing moan that comes out of your mouth the moment the first drop of caf hits your tongue. Your cheeks redden once you see Leia smiling at you. With your hands still wrapped around the warm mug, you lean back into your chair, pull your feet underneath you, and sigh again. Leia sits and patiently waits for you to tell her what is bothering you. 

“I...that night at Luke's temple...I don’t think things went down the way everyone says they did. I only saw the aftermath but I don’t think Ben _wanted_ to kill the students. I don’t think he had a choice,” you say quietly. Leia’s eyebrows arch towards her hairline. 

“Tell me.”

* * *

After a lengthy conversation with Leia, the two of you agree that it would be best for you to track down Luke as soon as possible. Not only because of the First Order but to figure out what is going on between you and Ben and to get clarification on what exactly happened that night at the temple. Between what you have seen with your own eyes and what you’ve seen in your sleep, you’re extremely confused. Everyone you’re ‘close’ with agrees that Ben still has light in him. Everyone agrees that you’ll be the one to bring him back if there’s still hope for him which you think there is. Knowing they're all counting on you to save him is a heavy burden to bear and the weight of their expectations is starting to get to you. 

When you open your door to leave your room, Poe is standing there with his arm outstretched and his fist hovering in midair, preparing to knock. He has two large satchels, the strap to one is draped across his chest and the strap to the other is in his hand. You raise an eyebrow, silently questioning what he’s doing outside of your room.

“Leia said you were leaving and told me to bring this to you,” Poe says as he hands you the bag in his hand.

“What's in it?”

“Clothes I think. Something about you being just like Han and Ben. That you prefer black. I don’t know exactly,” he says while glancing around your very plain room.

“It’s kind of depressing in there isn’t it? Not gonna decorate or spread out your belongings?” He asks jokingly. 

“Well. For one, everything I own is in this bag,” you point to the satchel that is already slung across your chest. “Or this bag,” you gesture towards the bag full of clothes he just handed you. “Also, I don’t think I’ll be staying here once all this is over so there’s no reason for me to get comfortable.”

The playful look on his face vanishes. “What do you mean you won’t be staying here? Why not? Where are you going?” 

Closing the door behind you, you step around Poe and walk out outside. He easily keeps pace with you as you make your way through the Resistance base towards the Falcon.

“I don’t know yet. I told you I don’t want to be in the Resistance. The only reason I’m here is because the alternative is the First Order and because-”

“Kylo Ren,” Poe says with obvious irritation.

“Ben...not Kylo Ren. . Ben,” you glare at him to make sure he knows how much it irritates you when he calls Ben Kylo Ren. “But yes, I am also here because of Ben. I can’t explain everything to you. I don’t have time and quite frankly, I don’t even understand it myself.”

“So let's say you bring Kyl-” you frown at him. “Ben....let’s say there’s still ‘light’ in Ben like you all seem to believe and you bring him back here. . then what? You still gonna leave?"

That gave you pause. You haven’t really thought about what would happen once you brought Ben back to his family. You've been too focused on everything that has happened to worry about the future. If Ben stays with the Resistance, would you stay too? Would he even want to come back to the Resistance base? If he doesn’t, where would he go? Would he want you to go with him? If he wanted you with him, would you go? 

“DAMN IT POE!”

Poe jumps, startled at your sudden outburst and the way you angrily stomp your foot. The other Resistance members within earshot all freeze and stare at the two of you. When Poe notices you have an audience, he smiles and waves everyone off.

“What the hell?”

He frowns as you turn your back to him and continue towards the Falcon. You’ve never thought about using the Force to punch someone, until now. The anger and irritation you're feeling rolls off of you in waves. It's so palpable, even non-Force sensitives seem to be making an effort to stay out of your way. When you approach the Falcon, Han and Leia are standing outside with Chewie but you're too distracted to notice. 

“You insufferable asshole! Why are you asking me questions about the future? I don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow much less after I save Ben. If I can even save him! Everyone seems to think I’m the only one that can. I’d love to have as much faith and confidence in myself as they do. If I can save Ben, I don’t know what will happen! I don’t know if he’ll want to come back here and if he doesn’t, who's to say he’ll want me to tag along with him wherever it is he wants to go! Maybe he rather be alone, which is fine, if that’s what makes him happy. Either way, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen so stop making me think about it! I’m stressed the kriff out and you’re making it worse!”

You don't realize you're yelling until you see the look on Poe's face as well as the look on the faces of several Resistance members that have paused to watch the commotion. When you break eye contact with Poe, you notice rocks and leaves are levitating around you. You close your eyes and take a deep breath to calm yourself. When you open them nothing is levitating anymore and Han, Chewie, and Leia are staring at you from the end of the Falcon's ramp. Everyone else, including Poe, seems to be worried and/or shocked by your emotional outburst. Everyone except Ben's family that is. 

You're not actually mad at Poe but you’re stressed out, exhausted, and worried. Poe’s interrogation channels those emotions into your default one, anger. Suddenly a very large hairy hand lands on your head. Chewie is standing over you and looking down at you affectionately. He lets out a small whine and musses your hair which makes your anger evaporate but embarrassment quickly takes its place. You feel your cheeks warm when you make eye contact with Leia. As usual, she is smiling at you affectionately. You close the distance in between the two of you and stand in front of her and Han. “I’m going to get the Falcon started and have a talk with Dameron. See you in a bit kid. Let’s go furball,” Han says to Chewie while gesturing towards the Falcon to Poe.

When the guys are gone, Leia glances down at your belt and holster. “Do you mind?” She gestures towards the lightsaber clipped to your belt. “Oh not at all,” you say as you hand her the lightsaber hilt.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen my lightsaber. Is it safe to assume Maz had it? I swear anytime we lose something it ends up with her somehow,” she chuckles while she turns the lightsaber hilt over in her hand.

“Your... _your_ lightsaber? This is yours?” you practically yell. Your surprise makes her chuckle harder.

“Is it so hard to believe I used to train to be a Jedi like my brother?” 

“No, not at all. You’re a bad ass. I’ve heard all about you but not once have I heard any mention of your training.”

“Ah. It’s because it was something Luke and I did in private.”

“Why did you stop?” 

She sighs and stops turning the saber over in her hand. “There was a prophecy that said at the end of my Jedi training my son would die. So I stopped. The path of the Jedi was never my path anyway. Although I did enjoy beating Luke up whenever possible,” she smiles. “But that’s a tale for another time.” She rolls the saber hilt between her fingers once more before handing the hilt back to you.

“Oh no...you keep it. It’s yours”

“And now it’s yours. There’s no way you can go down the path you’re on with only a blaster and a pretty face. What better way to rescue my son than with his mother's lightsaber?” The confidence she has in you is overwhelming. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to face her or Han if you’re unable to bring Ben home. With a small smile, you give her a quick nod and take the saber from her.

“Oh um. . question. Luke gave me a lightsaber when I first met him. He told me to keep it safe. Ben saw it and was immediately fascinated with it. Before we ‘parted ways’ he tried to take it from me. Do you have any idea why he would be so interested in it?” It's obvious Leia knows something but isn’t planning on telling you what she knows. At least there’s an answer, even if she wasn’t going to give it to you. It’s nice to know this isn’t another question that no one has an answer to.

“I may have an idea but I think it’s something you should discuss with Luke when you see him.”

“Ugh, I was afraid you’d say that but okay. Um. . thank you for everything Leia. I’ll do my best to bring Luke back. . and Ben.” Leia opens her arms and pulls you into a hug. One hand rubs your back lovingly and the other holds your head close to her shoulder.

“I know you will,” she says quietly. You want to bury your head in her shoulder and hug her back tightly but now isn’t the time to get sentimental. There’s too much to do. You gently pull away and smile at her once more before turning to walk towards the Falcon. 

“Can you send Han and Poe out here? There’s a thing or two they need to hear before you guys leave.” 

You nod and turn to walk up the Falcon’s ramp but pause when you notice Poe standing at the top of it. He doesn’t have his usual smirk or smile, he looks defeated. Sighing you walk right up to him and wrap your arms around him. He stiffens, not expecting you to hug him, but relaxes into it a moment later.

“Sorry,” you mumble. Before it can get awkward or too comfortable, you give him a quick squeeze and release him. Han appears a moment later and the two of them make their way to Leia.

* * *

When you entered the cockpit, you try to sit in the engineer's seat but Chewie stops you before you can sit down. He gestures towards the co-pilot’s seat and refuses to take no for an answer. Han and Poe stand outside the Falcon arguing with Leia for a bit longer than you had expected. You and Chewie sit in the cockpit, looking down at the three whose argument seems to be getting more animated by the minute. The two of you can’t hear exactly what is being said but the topic has them heated. Poe’s arms are crossed while Han’s hands wave in the air every now and then to emphasize whatever it is he’s saying. Leia’s hands are fisted and resting on her hips but every once in a while she points a finger at one of the men while scolding them.

Chewie grunts once to take my attention off of them. “They’re talking about me and probably Ben too, I’d bet my Kyber crystal on it,” you sigh. “I feel bad. Poe is just trying to be my friend. I know he didn’t mean to upset me but he stressed me out more than I already am. He’s just trying to be my friend. I don’t know what happened. I just got so so mad!" Chewie nudges you with his arm so you’ll look up at him instead of down at the floor.

'Little Ben gets angry too. He feels too much. You are like him and that is good. Ben needs someone like you Princess. Do not say sorry for feeling.'

You didn’t need details to know Han and Chewie have experience dealing with temper tantrums. They know how to mellow you out as soon as you're upset and you know it's because they've done it in the past with Ben. Chewie's statement only confirmed what you already know.

Angry footsteps heading your way interrupt your conversation with Chewie before you can ask him why he called you Princess. You stand and glance out the cockpit window and see that Leia, Poe, and Han are no longer arguing below you. 

“Move,” Han snaps at Chewie. After some grumbling, Chewie stands and starts to sit in the chair behind him.

“Shit. I forgot to lift the ramp,” he mumbles to himself and goes to stand. 

“I got it,” you stand before either one of them can object and walk out of the cockpit. Once the ramp is raised you walk back and sit in the co-pilot’s seat next to Han as the Falcon begins to ascend.

“Sounds like that went well,” you mumble to Han as the two of you lead the Falcon into the atmosphere.

Instead of responding, Han changes the subject.

“Where to kid?” he asks. His tone softens substantially compared to when he first entered the cockpit.

“Ahch-To”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The visions of Ben's past are directly from The Rise of Kylo Ren comics. If you haven't read them I suggest you do.


	8. Borderline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Force is kind of an asshole and so is Poe. . . kinda.

* * *

_And I know that you know it’s not easy  
_ _Fighting battles that live in your mind  
_ _But you’re close to the edge I can feel it  
_ _Every time that we say goodnight  
_ _You hide your feelings so I won’t cry  
_ _But I’ll keep waiting at the borderline  
_ _And when you’re ready to change your mind  
_ _Then I’ll be waiting at the borderline  
_ _You live your life like a firework  
_ _You soar right till you’re fit to burst  
_ _And here I am standing on the ground  
_ _My hands held high  
_ _I won’t let you down  
_ _In my head  
_ _In your head  
_ _It’s a little bit mixed up  
_ _In my head it is a little bit quiet  
_ _Sometimes it a little bit harder to fight_

_Florrie - Borderline_

* * *

It's going to take two days to get to Ahch-To from the Resistance base, which is fine. You can catch up on sleep, spend more time with Chewie and Han, and finally crack open that book Maz left you. You’re actually looking forward to it. That's what you're hoping you'd be able to do during the two-day trip. Those plans are quickly thrown out the window when you sense the Force connecting you to Ben.

The tingling starts while you're sitting at the Dejarik table, reading the book Maz left you. You stand up quickly, grab the book, and make your way to your quarters in the Falcon. Nothing in the room has been changed since meeting Han and Chewie. Han told you to make it your own, assuming you’d be staying with them a while. But you are comfortable with it the way it is. The room is welcoming. It feels like home. 

Sitting cross-legged on your bed, you open the book to the page you were on and start reading again. Ben appears the moment your eyes locate the spot you had left off on. It looks like he's in the middle of training. His usual tight black pants and boots are gone and instead, he’s wearing a black muscle shirt with sweats. He’s covered in sweat and breathing heavily. His arm is raised as if he is about to strike someone down with the ignited crossguard lightsaber he's holding but freezes when he realizes you’re watching him.

“That’s enough for today,” Ben says tersely. His hand shoots out to his right and his fingers curl a bit. You don’t need to see the other person to know he’s using the Force on someone. “I said that’s enough for today,” he says through gritted teeth. His hand jerks forward before he lowers it. Whenever the other person leaves, he slowly turns around to face you.

His eyes widen and he starts to look around the room. “You’re in my room,” he tilts his head slightly.

“This is _your_ room? Aw shit. You can see my surroundings now? Kriffing perfect,” you sigh. He slowly walks around the room to see what has changed since the last time he was in the Falcon. It had been a decade since he stepped foot in the freighter. He should be more focused on the fact that he can now see your surroundings but instead, he's focused on the fact that he is in his room, with you.

He chuckles quietly. “Han didn’t tell you? Interesting.”

“No. Your _father_ didn’t tell me it was your room but it doesn’t surprise me that he would put me in here.”

“Why is that?” He picks up a small spherical piece of metal that is resting on top of a small set of drawers and rolls it in his hand.

“Because your family, Chewie included, seem to think you have feelings for me. Whether you realize it or not.”

His hand stops moving and he closes his fingers around the small sphere while staring out the small window in the room.

“I don’t know where they got that idea but they’re running with it so like I said, I’m not surprised.”

When the silence between the two of you drags on, you take your eyes off of his back and get back to the book you still have in your lap. The page you had been trying to read for the last hour is about Force connections. Conveniently that’s the page the book opened to when you first opened it. 

_“A Force-bond, also known as a Force connection or simply bond, was a powerful connection that existed between two Force-sensitive individuals. On occasion, the Force allowed a living being to connect and communicate with another across great distances. The bond could even teleport matter. Despite its advantages, a bond could be manipulated by those on the dark side of the Force. A strong Force user had the power to initiate secret bonds with others in order to manipulate them. Even if the unwanted bond was detected, it could still be extremely difficult to break”_

“Extremely difficult to break. Kriffing fantastic,” you mutter to yourself. You aren’t really sure if breaking the connection the two of you have is a good idea. But if Ben refuses to turn his back on Snoke, staying connected to him would put the Resistance in danger. Especially now that he can somewhat see your surroundings. 

“What are you reading?” 

Startled, you practically jump an inch off of the bed and slam the book shut. “You scared the shit out of me! You were quiet so long I thought you may have disappeared but I’m not that lucky am I,” you run your hands over your face without making eye contact with him. “Maz left it for me. She didn’t explain why it’s important. I haven’t had time to read it and was about to when the Force so rudely connected us.” Ben abandons his post at the window and approaches you slowly. Once within arm's reach, he sits on the bed next to you. Oddly enough, you can feel the bed sink in as if he is actually in the same room, on the Falcon, and on your bed. Your brow furrows with confusion as you watch him sit down next to you.

“Can I see?” he asks quietly.

His calm demeanor is making you uncomfortable. It’s like being lulled into a false sense of security. You feel like the moment you get comfortable he’ll try and convince you to join him or snap at you for something. You’re tired of trying to talk him into coming to you and don’t plan on bringing it up anymore. As of right now, he’s made up his mind. Now you are holding out hope he'll come to his senses without your help. You give him a small nod and tilt the book in his direction so he can see which book it is.

“Ah. That’s one of the only books at the temple that was ever remotely interesting.”

“You’ve read it?” 

“Yes. I’m going to assume Maz left it for you because it mentions a Force Bond. That woman has always been one step ahead of everyone and I’ve never been able to figure out how. It’s bothered me since I was younger.”

“Wait so you’ve known about us having a “Force Bond” and you haven’t thought to mention it?” you scowl at him. He merely shrugs and motions for you to open the book.

“Yes. I connected the dots on Takodana. I didn’t mention it because knowing what it is doesn’t change the fact that we’re bonded . . somehow.”

“It might not change the fact that we’re bonded but it does give me something to go on.”

“What do you mean?”

“To sever the bond. Had I known we-”

“Why would you want to do that?” Ben jumps to his feet and starts to pace in front of you. He's scared and starting to panic a bit. Loneliness and abandonment were already threatening to swallow him.

“Ben. . It’s not that I want to do it I just-”

“Then don’t do it! If you don’t want to do it then why would you?” he practically yells at you.

“Okay, you need to chill out and let me talk. If you’re going to yell at me at least let me give you a reason to. Shit, this is what Poe must feel like,” you trail off.

“What?? What does this have to do with Dameron?” He says Poe’s name as if it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “Is that why you want to sever our bond? Because of Dameron?” He's breathing heavily and running his hands through his hair almost manically.

“Ben chill the kriff out. It has nothing to do with Poe. You’re one of the leaders of the First Order and Snoke’s bitch. Technically I’m with the Resistance now. No, I take that back. I’m not with the Resistance. I’m with Han and Leia and Chewie. We’re on two different sides of this stupid pointless war. Apparently, you can now see my surroundings. Why would I keep the bond open? I’m putting everyone at risk by doing so.” 

“If you don’t want to be tied to me then say it. Spare me your pitiful excuses. You’ve known Han and Leia less than a week and now all of a sudden you’re willing to go to war for them? Why because they feel like the parents you never had?” he scoffs. “Trust me they’ll disappoint you. I would have been better off having been abandoned than being raised by them.” If you could touch him you would have marched right up to him and hit him as hard as possible. You know he’s lashing out because he’s scared and pissed off. It’s a defense mechanism but it doesn’t make what he's saying hurt any less. “You’re a little self-centered don’t you think? Assuming I’ll drop everything to hunt you down the moment I’m able to locate you.”

“I’m not sure what you would do. I don’t know you very well apparently. Even if I trusted you, again, I wouldn’t want you to know where I am.”

“And why is that?”

“You forget I’ve seen Snoke tap into your mind. I’ve seen him sift through your memories. What you know, what you see, he can access.”

That shut him up because you had a good point. He actually hadn’t thought about it. Snoke had basically left him alone ever since he arrived back on the ship after Takodana. He's thankful for the peace but knows there’s a reason for Snoke’s silence. Something is coming. He has no idea what Snoke has planned he just knows whatever it is, it's going to be bad. He has his back to you again and is staring out the window. His shoulders are lifting and rising with each breath he takes.

“I don’t even know if it’s possible to sever our bond. It doesn’t say how, only that it’s difficult to do so. I don’t _want_ to. If you were here with me. . the bond would be. . a gift. I’m not going to try and talk you into coming to me or for you to leave Snoke behind. It gets me nowhere. Your decision has been made.”

Ben was quiet for a few minutes before he turned slowly to face you. His eyes were red-rimmed and glossy. “I don’t know what I was expecting. Everyone always leaves me. You’re no different.”

You glance down at your hands which are clasped and resting on your lap. You feel your eyes well up with tears of your own. 

“Ben I-” before you can finish, the tingling sensation vanishes. When you lift your eyes, hoping to meet Ben’s, he's gone.

* * *

Tatooine of all places. You were starting to think Han was addicted to life or death situations. He asked whether or not you were okay stopping on Tatooine. Something about a shipment of Corellian whisky. You should have said no, you aren’t okay with it, you need to get to Luke. But you really enjoyed spending time with him and Chewie. You also happened to enjoy Corellian whiskey. How could you pass on either? Of course, you're eager to see Luke but mostly so you can get information out of him. You don’t know him, not really. It's hard to say you're excited to see someone you don't really know. You spent a couple of hours with him before everything went to hell. You feel close to Han and Chewie though. Your feelings towards them are different.

You haven't been to Tatooine in a couple of years. It’s not as bad as Jakuu but it's a desert planet and you aren’t a fan, especially now. You follow Han and Chewie into a large dimly lit structure not too far from Mos Eisley cantina. Han leads the way to a large room in the back of the building. As soon as you walk into the room you know something is wrong but it's too late. A sharp pain shoots through the back of your head before everything goes dark.

After an unknown period of time, you start to regain consciousness. Groaning, you lift your head and slowly open your eyes and see the three of you are tied to separate chairs and are lined up side by side. Chewie whines and Han curses when they see you rouse.

“You okay kid?”

“Repeatedly getting hit in the head hard enough to blackout is going to cause some damage eventually. And no I'm not alright. What the hell happened?" 

“We may have botched a job we took for the Guavian Death Gang a while back. We were supposed to haul a couple of ranthars for them but that went sideways quicker than expected. When they ate the guys we hired to help us well. . it wasn’t worth the hassle. Technically we owe them some money.”

“When you say some 'money,' how much-"

“50,000 credits...give or take.”

“50,000!” you yell before wincing. Your head is throbbing and raising your voice doesn’t help.

“I’m sorry kid. Had I known this was going to happen I never would have suggested we stop.”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out." You pause and glance at the two of them, checking to see if either of them is hurt when you notice your belongings are missing. "Oh shit! Where’s my lightsaber?”

“Yah they took our weapons.”

“Great.”

“Look, I'm don't usually ask this but can’t you...use the Force?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to focus my head is killing me and the room is spinning. Ugh,” you moan and shake your hands to see if there’s any way to slip the bindings wrapped around your wrists. When that doesn’t get you anywhere you closed your eyes and tried to concentrate. Again, you didn’t get anywhere. It's hard to focus on the Force when it feels like you're going to vomit and pass out. 

“I’m sorry guys. I can’t focus, my head-” 

'It's okay Princess,' Chewie grumbles.

“Yeah, what he said. We’ll find a way out of this. We always do,” Han says as he struggles against his bindings.

The base of your skull begins to tingle when you do the same. You're learning that although the Force can be really helpful it can also be a real bitch sometimes.

“Seriously!? Right now! Come on,” you grunt. Han and Chewie both look at you questionably. 

“It’s probably going to look like I’m talking to myself. Just...go with it. I’ll explain later,” you sigh and look around for Ben. Han and Chewie turn to look at one each other as if one of them knows what you're talking about and can explain it to the other.

You hear Ben sigh from behind you. "This is exhausting. Are you sure _you're_ not the one controlling this?" You crane your neck and glance over your shoulder. You see him lift his head and glance around the room but freeze when he sees you’re tied up and bleeding.

“What happened? Where are you?” he asks, panicked.

“Can you see anything other than the room?” you ask.

“No. Where are you? Why are you tied up? Are you alone? Are you okay?” He quickly walks around your chair to stand in front of you. 

“Calm down, Ben. I can’t answer your questions if you keep rapid-firing them at me. My head hurts and the room is spinning. One at a time,” you take a deep breath and glance towards Chewie and Han. You can’t tell whether the look they’re giving you is the look you’d give someone that is certifiably insane or if they are genuinely confused about what is happening.

“You’re not alone are you?” Ben asks you as he glances in the direction you did.

“No. I’m with your dad and Chewie. We’re...okay. I don’t know why you’re here right now.”

“Maybe because the Force sensed your distress and the foolish decision you made to follow my father on whatever idiotic job he's on,” Ben says with irritation as he starts to pace.

He called Han his father and not Han. That’s progress, right?

"Corellian whiskey is _not_ idiotic thank you very much."

“Why haven’t you used the Force? You should have no trouble getting out of those restraints."

“I can’t focus. My head hurts and I’m dizzy. The repeated head trauma is clearly taking its toll.”

“Tell me where you are and I'll send someone for you.”

You snort loud and unattractively. “Ben I have a headache, not brain damage. At least I don't think I have brain damage.”

“You’d rather stay tied up and possibly killed instead?” he asks with irritation.

“I’ve been in worse positions in the past and I’m sure so has Chewie and Han. We’ll be fine right guys?” They stare at you but they don't answer your question. Glaring at them, you do your best to act nonchalant when you turn your attention back to Ben. 

“They agree we’ll be fine.” 

“Tell me where you are and _I’ll_ come for you.” 

“No. That will end like all of our disagreements do, with both of us unconscious. And that's if we manage to come face to face without having a Force tug-of-war.”

“I’ll come to you and bring you back with me. I can heal you and if I can't I'll get you proper medical attention. You’ll see why staying with me is the right choice to make and you’ll never go back to the Resistance. You’ll turn to the dark side and stay by my side, where you’re meant to be.”

He says the last part of his declaration quietly even though you’re the only one that can hear him.

Hearing him say you're meant to be together would have made you really happy had he not added the whole ‘join me on the dark side we have cookies’ type speech. Ben’s head jerks to the side. “What?" He asks angrily then pauses to listen to whoever seems to be talking to him. The sound of blaster fire coming from behind a closed door draws your attention away from him. You try again to focus on the Force to get yourself free but it doesn’t work. A moment later, Poe comes running into the room.

“What the hell are you doing here, Poe?”

“I’m so happy to see you, Poe. Thank you for saving us. You’re my best friend in the entire world!” Poe says in a mock feminine voice that would have made you frown if you weren’t so happy to see him. “I was hiding on the Falcon,” he says with a smirk. “I was bored so I figured I’d follow you guys. Aren’t you glad I did?” 

While he works at the bindings on your wrist, your attention goes back to Ben. “Ready my ship,” he says to the unseen person he's speaking with then turns his attention back to you. “I’ll see you soon sweetheart.” He smirks, the connection ends and Ben disappears. The moment your hands are free you jump up your feet go to Han to unbind him.

“Kriff! We need to go. We need to leave right now. Like right now,” you’re trying not to think about the pain in your head so you can focus on how the hell the four of you will make it to the Falcon before the First Order and Ben get to Tatooine. You have no idea how far he is or how long it will take for a hoard of stormtroopers to arrive but judging by the irritatingly handsome smirk he gave you before the connection ended, it won't take long.

“What? Why now?” Poe asks as he frees Chewie. The four of you rush to the exit and Poe hands you guys your weapons as he ushers you out the door.

“Ben knows where we are and he’s on his way. Someone contacted the First Order,” you groan and rub your temples. “I’m going to need some of that whiskey when we get back to the Falcon.”

“Wait...I thought you _want_ to be around Ben. Now you’re running from him?” Poe asked confused. The four of you peek around the door frame leading out of the building and into the desert.

“It’s not that simple. He’s still in Kylo Ren mode and he’s insisting I go back to the base with him...and Snoke. He thinks he can convince me to go to the dark side. He’s not going to hurt me, I know that for a fact. He’ll probably arrest me and he’ll definitely arrest you guys. We need to go.” You’re about to make a run for it when Poe gently grabs you by the arm.

“You need to heal yourself,” Poe says with concern.

“What? Ben healed me on Takodana but I don’t know how to do that.”

“Yes you do,” Poe says seriously.

“No really Poe I-”

“You know how to do it because Ky- because Ben knows how to do it.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“I told you hiding was boring. I read that book Maz left for you. Just trust me, you can do it,” the look on Poe’s face was serious. It was quite possibly the most serious you’ve ever seen him, even more than when you were yelling at him.

“You can do it,” he says quietly. His thumb starts to rub circles on your arm in a soothing way. Either you’re thinking very loudly or Ben is paying attention to how you’re feeling from wherever it is he’s at because you feel his jealousy and anger spike dangerously. You sigh and give Poe a small nod just as you hear TIE fighters enter Tatooine's atmosphere. You close your eyes and do your best to block out the sound of the TIE’s, the sound of the people outside panicking and yelling, and the adrenaline pumping through your veins. Your breathing slows and so does your pulse as you focus on the rise and fall of your chest. As if the knowledge has always been yours, your mind starts to wander.

_"Relax...reach out with my mind...reach inside....through the pain...to touch the Force."_

The pain in your head slowly starts to vanish. Poe is smiling ear to ear when you open your eyes. You’re so proud of yourself and happy he had faith in you that without thinking you launch yourself at him and pull him into a hug.

“I knew you could do it,” he chuckles. 

“Run now, hug later!” Han yells. He peeks around the door frame with Chewie and shoots towards a handful of stormtroopers that are unintentionally walking straight towards you. Blushing, you pull away from Poe and stand next to Han.

“See that speeder over there? We’re going to take it and haul ass towards the Falcon. It’s big enough for all of us. There’s no way we’ll make it on foot without getting caught,” you tell the guys while scanning the area for more troopers.

“You okay kid? You’re not as pale but you still don’t look like yourself,” Han asks with concern.

“Just tired. The whole ‘healing’ thing took a lot out of me. I’ll be fine.” Not one to pry, Han gives you a small nod and turns back towards the door. Let’s go!” You turn the corner and blast at a lone trooper before making a run for the speeder. Without bothering to check to see if your friends are behind you, or if the owner of the speeder is nearby, you jump inside it and turn it on.

Han, Chewie, and Poe are right behind you and board the speeder soon after. “Go go go!” Poe yells. If the troopers were smart, they would assume you’re going toward the Falcon and wait for you there. But they’re not so they trail after you instead. You’re not paying attention to them as they shoot your way because you know Han, Chewie, and Poe can handle them. What’s concerning you is what Ben is going to do once he gets to Tatooine if you guys haven’t left. You can feel him getting closer to the planet. If you don’t leave soon you won’t be able to avoid him.

You don’t want to avoid him, not really. You want to see him physically standing in front of you, not through your force bond. You want to have the ability to touch him, even though you won’t. But you don’t want to do any of these things when he’s in the mindset he’s in. He wants you to come to him willingly but he’s getting desperate. At this point, you’re pretty sure he'll take you with him even if it's by force, and deal with the consequences later. His determination and near-obsession with should be concerning. It would be if the two of you didn't have a connection if you couldn't sense his conflict and the multitude of emotions he feels regularly. The Falcon comes into view the moment Poe blasts the last trooper on your tail.

“Damn it come on!” you yell as you push the speeder to its limit.

“Ben?” Poe asks. 

“Ben,” you sigh. Han and Chewie have been oddly quiet the entire time and you’re pretty sure you know why.

Once arriving at the Falcon the four of you hop off the speeder and lower the Falcon’s ramp. Before you can board, you pause and glance over your shoulder in Ben's direction. 

“Get the Falcon ready. I’ll be right back,” you say as your turn to walk back into the desert air. Poe grabs your arm before you can go any further. It is becoming an annoying habit of his. One you intend to break as soon as possible.

“Don’t. Why can’t you see he’s not Ben anymore. He’s Kylo Ren. Ben Solo wouldn’t be hunting us down to take us to the First Order’s base. That’s something Kylo Ren would do.” You pull your arm out of his hand forcefully. Again, Ben’s anger and jealousy spikes. You’re not positive but you’re pretty sure his TIE is accelerating further.

“He’s Ben. He’s a spoiled brat that wants to get his way, that’s all. As I said, he won’t hurt me. I’m just going to distract him until you guys are ready to go. I’ll be back.”

“Then what? He’s not going to just let us go,” Poe throws his hands in the air with frustration.

“I’ll figure something out. Go see if Chewie and Han need help with anything. I don’t want to argue with you about this and I’m not changing my mind.”

Resigned, Poe sighs and enters the Falcon. In the distance, you see Ben’s TIE slowly start to descend and land. Once you see him exit his ship, you slowly make your way towards him to meet him in the middle of the desert. You stop when you’re close enough to make out his facial features but not close enough to touch.

“Did you finally come to your senses?” Ben smirks. You might actually punch it off of his face this time.

“Nah. I was hoping I’d get to see _my_ Ben but apparently, he’s nowhere to be found. Right now I’m only seeing Kylo Ren.” Hurt quickly flashes in his eyes and you don't miss the spark of longing and hope that quickly washes over him when hearing you call him yours.

“I’m done playing these games. I don’t want to fight with you. Come with me,” he says as he extends his hand towards you, hoping you’ll take it. Your eyes go from his open hand to his pleading eyes. You so badly want to take his hand but there are so many people relying on you. 

“I can’t,” you whisper and take a step back as your eyes well with tears.

“And I can’t let you go,” he whispers and takes a step towards you.

His eyes dart from yours to the Falcon as his hand moves from being extended towards you to being aimed towards his father's ship. You’re not sure what he’s planning but you know it can’t be good. You’re both extremely strong in the Force but you don’t think he’s strong enough to do any real damage to the ship. Even so, you’re not going to sit around and wait to see what he's going to do.

After quickly removing Leia's saber from your belt, you ignite it in one swift motion. Ben’s hand falters and his eyes move from the Falcon to you. You feel the shock and hurt he feels over the fact that you’re willing to fight him to protect the people in the Falcon. His face portrays nothing when his hand moves from the air and onto the hilt of his saber which he also ignites. 

“This is what you want? We're bonded in the Force and you’d choose them over me?” The tone in his voice betrays neither anger nor hurt. The emotions raging inside of him say otherwise.

“Despite how long we've known each other, I’d choose _Ben_ over _everyone_. When you find him let me know.” 

One lone tear rolls down your cheek when he meets you halfway with his saber raised. When the beams of your lightsabers cross, the resulting burst of energy sends shockwaves through the sand around you. Blow after blow land as lightsaber strikes against lightsaber. Though Ben is bigger and strong than you, your struggle has nothing to do with physical size. What you lack in mass you made up for in ferocity. For a minute you actually manage to drive him backward until he regains his self-assurance and drives you back.

Ben holds his crossguard, poised to strike. “It doesn’t have to be like this!” The longing and pleasing tone of his voice cause you to falter. You’re not sure whether Ben intentionally saw the opening and advances or if it's instinctual but the result is the same. He forces you back quickly, causing you to stumble and fall backward into the sand. He raises his hands, bringing the lightsaber over his head but pauses instead of striking you down. 

The hurt and fear you feel at his actions are palpable and suffocating. You’ll never know if he paused because he felt your fear or if he paused because he never intended to actually hurt you. He starts to bring his arms down slowly, not to strike but to lower his weapon. His facial expression and the tone of his voice changes drastically the moment he realizes what he almost did. 

“I-” he says quietly while lowering his saber. Before he can finish his sentence a blast comes out of nowhere, hitting him square in the chest. He deactivates his saber before it slips from his hand and lands in the sand at your feet. His eyes meet yours and the fear in them is painful. He stumbles backward then falls to the ground.

“NO!” you yell and scramble towards him on your hands and knees. You glance over your shoulder to see Poe with his blaster raised in your direction with a shocked look on his face.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” You scream at Poe. Anger is coursing through you when you raise your hand and Force push him back into the Falcon, hard. You’re too worried about Ben to care whether or not Poe's hurt.

Ben’s lying in the sand, looking up towards the sky when you reach him. He looks defeated and resigned to his fate. He might be but you sure as hell aren’t. You lift his head by placing your arm behind his neck and lift him up as much as you can. The man is huge and the simple task is not an easy one. Once he’s in your arms his eyes dart from the sky to yours as tears stream down your face. “I’m sorry I’m so sorry,” you cry and press your head against his. He doesn’t say anything, instead, he runs his hand through your hair and smiles at you. The sight should make your heart sing but instead, it makes it hurt worse. 

“Stop looking at me like that. You aren’t...you aren't going to die. I refuse to let you die you, idiot.” 

He snorts and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. You’re not sure why he’s not speaking but you don’t care. You know what you have to do. You’re so exhausted from healing yourself earlier that you’re unsure whether or not you’ll be able to do it but you have to try. You place your hand over the wound in Ben’s chest. Before closing your eyes they meet Ben’s. He’s looking at you questionably. Relaxing, you focus on the Force flowing through you, through Ben, through everything. You concentrate on Ben’s wound and the damage the blast to his chest did. In your mind, you picture the tissue slowly stitching itself together. You know it’s working when you find yourself exhausted to the point of passing out. When Ben gasps you open your eyes and remove your hand from his chest. Through the hole in his tunic, you no longer see a cauterized wound. In its place is smooth pale skin.

Your eyes meet his and you smile. He’s shocked and completely speechless. He had almost killed you minutes earlier. If Poe hadn't stopped him he may have gone through with it. He was too angry and hurt to see reason, to realize what he was doing until it was almost too late. What's worse is that you had sensed and realized this too. He could have killed you yet you still chose to heal him. You're vulnerable right now and you both know it but at the moment, you don't really care. Your smile slowly fades and it's getting harder to keep your eyes open. 

He says your name and his tone is laced with worry. His brow furrows as he sits up straight to get a better look at you. You chuckle once before everything goes black and your body goes limp. Ben catches you before you can fall backward. His pulse spikes with fear the moment you pass out. You’re the first one he’s ever healed and he remembers how much it drained him. Your wound had been substantially less severe than the wound you just healed. He’s not sure what kind of toll that could take on your body. 

Ben can feel your Force signature is strong but relaxed. You’ve merely passed out from exhaustion. He pulls you into his lap and runs the back of his hand across your dirt and sweat-stained cheek. “What am I going to do with you? You’re going to be the death of me sweetheart,” he murmurs to you knowing you can’t hear him. He glances over his shoulder at his TIE before turning his attention towards the ramp to the Falcon where his father and Chewbacca are standing. He could easily lift you in his arms and carry you back to his TIE. He could take you back to base and lay you down in his bed to rest. You’d be pissed when you woke up but he would show you why you’re wrong and why you need to stay with him. Or, he could take you to the Falcon, to his father and your friends which is where you want to be. He looks down at you once more and sighs. Leaning down over you, he presses his forehead against yours and closes his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

He kisses you on the forehead before standing with you in his arms and walks towards the Falcon. His heart is beating out of his chest. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw his father or his uncle Chewie. It’s been close to ten years at least. The last time they saw him he was a small emotional boy. Ben stopped once he was standing directly in front of them with you in his arms. He tries his best to avoid eye contact with his father. The urge to walk up the ramp and turn his back on the First Order would be too strong. Thankfully, Poe decides to limp his way towards them, bringing his anger back in full force. Poe’s eyes widened when he makes eye contact with Ben. With his blaster in hand, he raised his arm to shoot again but Chewie roared and hit the gun out of his hand. Ben glares daggers into him, praying the Force would grant him the ability to choke someone with his eyes alone.

“Ben,” Han whispers. Before he can stop himself, his eyes dart from Poe to his father. Ben does his best to hide his emotions and hopes Han can’t sense what is going through his head.

“Take her,” Ben says, trying to make his voice sound as deep and unemotional as possible. Avoiding eye contact with Chewie, he hands you over to him and takes a step back. “She’s fine just...tired. She...she healed me.” The confusion your action causes is evident on his face. Without another word, Ben turns his back on them and begins to walk towards his TIE.

“With or without all the Force mumbo jumbo, the girl loves you,” Han calls out. Ben pauses but doesn’t turn around. “So does your mother...and so do I.” Chewie grunts in agreement.

Nothing could force Ben to turn around and meet his father's eyes at that moment. His eyes begin to burn and his throat tightens with suppressed emotion. If he saw the look on his father’s face he would crack. He was on the verge of breaking down as it is. One look at either of them and it would be over. 

“When you’re ready to come home, we’ll be here. The four of us.” 

He could hear Han, Chewie, and Poe turn and walk up the ramp. Seconds later the ramp is lifted and the entrance to the Falcon closes. The ship ascends in the air and launches itself into the sky and away from Tatooine. Before heading back to the First Order base, Ben sits in his TIE to replay everything that had happened and everything that was said. The conflict he feels and the emotions flowing through him cannot be obvious when he returns. His knights will be able to sense something is up with him if he goes back feeling the way he does. If they’re able to sense it, so will Snoke.

The more time he spends around you the more he's starting to question whether or not anything Snoke has told him about his family is true. It won't be hard for Snoke to connect you to the sudden pull to the light he's feeling. Especially when you're practically radiating light. The more Snoke knows about you and his feelings towards you, the worse things will get.

You may not want to be with him, he may have lost you. But just because he can't have you doesn't mean Snoke can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This all still flowing okay? The burn is slower than I intended so sorry about that. Hopefully ya'll are still enjoying it.


	9. Dust to Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woe is Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long, longer than I intended anyway. There wasn't really a good spot to split it into two so you get what you get.

* * *

_"It's not your eyes  
It's not what you say  
It's not your laughter that gives you away  
You're just lonely  
You've been lonely too long  
All your actin'  
Your thin disguise  
All your perfectly delivered lies  
They don't fool me  
You've been lonely too long  
Let me in the walls you've built around  
And we can light a match and burn it down  
Let me hold your hand and dance  
'round and 'round the flames in front of us  
Dust to dust  
You've held your head up  
You've fought the fight  
You've done your time  
Listen to me  
You're like a mirror reflecting me  
Takes one to know one so take it from me  
We've been lonely too long"_

_The Civil Wars - Dust to Dust  
_

* * *

  
  


“If he won’t give us what we’re looking for one, one of the others will,” a deep unfamiliar male voice says from somewhere close by. Opening your eyes, you're no longer scared of waking up in an unfamiliar place surrounded by unfamiliar people. Sighing, you slowly sit up and take in your surroundings. You're sitting next to a red-skinned man with large black eyes. He's dressed like a desert scavenger with his tan scarf, light brown jacket, and light brown pants. His hands are wrapped with white fabric up to his elbows. There are men of a similar species to your immediate left and right, forming a circular formation with a large man in the center. The large man's face is covered by a silver mask with a red inscription in an unfamiliar language and he's shirtless from the waist up. His skin is a tan color but has dark red splotches throughout it. He has on one black glove and in that gloved hand, he holds a red ignited lightsaber.

Standing to his left is Ben, dressed in all black with a concerned look on his face. "Ren wait," Ben says as he looks down at the man kneeling next to you. Before anything else can happen, you jump to your feet and stand next to Ben. Not only do you not want to be next to the man that is more than likely about to be executed, but you also want to distance yourself from the man Ben calls Ren. He's extremely creepy and the feeling being in his presence causes is uncomfortable. Does his presence make Ben uncomfortable too?

Wait. Ren? As in Kylo Ren? Did Ben get his moniker because of the weird menacing man in front of you? 

“There could be another way,” Ben says. He reaches his hand out towards the kneeling man the way he does whenever he’s intending to use the Force.

“Stop you’re killing him!” One of the men kneeling yells out when the man in front of Ben cries out in pain.

“No. I’m just...I’m just looking through his mind!” He pulls his hand back and turns to face Ren. “I have it. The artifact is three levels down in a sealed chamber to the southwest. The entrance is marked with a carving of a red snake.”

“Nice move kid,” Ren says impressed.

“It’s a variation on the Jedi mind trick. Snoke told me about it. . but that was the first time I tried it. Wasn’t sure it would work,” Ben says as he looks down at the ground.

“I’m beginning to see why Snoke thought you’d be useful. Something like that could really come in handy. Anyways, thanks to you, we have what we need, which means we can release these fine folks. Boys, if you would be so kind."

A group of men dressed in all black and wearing masks similar to Ben's Kylo Ren mask approach the kneeling men and kill them one by one. Ben gasps with a horrified expression on his face while he watches the carnage in front of him. A deep unsettling voice echoes through his head. “The Knights of Ren do as they please, which lends them fluidity. Whatever they need to do to survive, to triumph, they do.” Your unsure why you're able to hear the voice Ben hears and you don't know for sure who the voice belongs to but based on what you know you’re assuming it’s Snoke.

“But Ren...you said...you said you would release them. We got the information we needed. They didn’t need to die,” Ben says with disbelief. 

“Yes I did,” he scoffs in Ben’s direction before turning to face the men who you now know are the Knights of Ren. “Three levels down, chamber with a red snake, let's go.”

The vision changes.

* * *

You’re now standing in a blue and purple cylindrical chamber with high ceilings. Blue jagged crystals jut out from the walls throughout it. Ren speaks as you take in your surroundings. Your eyes move towards him and stop once they land on Ben.

“Get in there with them. Mix it up. They’re miners, not fighters. Just chop them all down. Then we’ll find the thing and get paid,” Ren says but Ben doesn’t move. Instead, he stares down at the innocent miners he was just ordered to kill. “Don’t tell me you’re scared kid. Get down there. You’re Jedi-trained. This should be easy for you.”

“I. .” Ben starts to say without looking at Ren.

“You know, Ben Solo, I’m starting to wonder if you’re everything Snoke said you were. If no one ever made it clear to you, the Knights of Ren _kill people_. Anyone who isn’t us is fair game. And you friend, are running out of time to show me that you’re, in fact, one of us.”

As Ben’s eyes finally leave the miners, a familiar voice shouts down to him from above. 

“BEN!” 

Your head snaps up to where the voice came from. The bald man you had seen Ben with in previous visions is standing back to back with the woman with the grey hair. 

“Who are they?” Ren asks with his red saber ignited.

“The past,” Ben respond, frowning. He reaches behind him and grabs his saber from his back and ignites it.

Chaos breaks out around you and the vision changes.

* * *

Ben and Tai are standing face to face with their lightsabers crossed in the middle of a dimly lit orange corridor within a few feet of where you're standing when you open your eyes.

“Choice?! I have no choice and I never did! Even my _name_ isn’t a choice. The dark side and the light side both claimed me for their own the moment I was born!” Ben says through gritted teeth as he leans his weight into his lightsaber, forcing Tai back a step. “Do you know how that feels?! Whether it’s Luke Skywalker or Snoke, neither one sees me as a person. I’m just. . I’m just a legacy! I’m just a set of expectations!” 

Ben presses into him again and Tai is forced back once more. Tears start to stream down your face at Ben’s confession. He feels so trapped and helpless. He doesn't think he has any choice but to embrace the dark side. He’s not the power-hungry spoiled brat everyone assumes he is. He was a scared and lonely kid that felt trapped and powerless to decide his own fate and although he's older, he's still is.

The duel moves out of the corridor and into a large cavern. The three of you are now standing on a naturally formed stone bridge hovering over a deep chasm filled with sharp stone rock formations. There’s no way either one of them would survive a fall, even with the Force. You know Ben doesn’t die but Tai? You have a feeling you’re going to witness his fate first hand and whatever happens, isn't going to be good.

“There’s hope! There’s always hope! You can start from wherever you are. No path is forever! You could spend the rest of your life helping people, trying to bring more light to the galaxy, and it would all matter. Those people would still be helped!” Tai pleads with Ben. All you can do is stand by and watch as the only friend Ben ever had pleads with him to see he still has a choice.

  
  


“We could team up, right now, and destroy the Knights of Ren and save this place, we could- AGH!” Tai yells as Ben knocks his lightsaber from his hands. He falls to his knees and looks up at him, still trying to convince him to choose the light while Ben has his blue lightsaber pointed at him.

“Kill me if you have to Ben, or don’t. Be the man I know you are...just...be,” Tai pleads.

Ben deactivates his saber and takes a step back as Tai’s words finally start to sink in. Tai offers him his hand as an act of friendship. “Be who you-” Tai’s head snaps to the left at an unnatural angle before he can finish his sentence. The sound of his neck breaking echoes through the cavern ominously. Covering your mouth in horror, you scream behind your hands at the horrible sound while watching the life drain from the eyes of the man on his knees in front of you. Ben looks on in horror as his only friend’s body crumples to the ground.

After staring at Tai’s body for a few moments in shocked silence, Ben turns around and comes face to face with the person responsible for his friend's gruesome death. “You...you killed Tai.”

“I sure did. Snoke was completely wrong about you. You’re fighting this every step of the way,” Ren sneers condescendingly.

“You think so?” Ben says completely void of emotion.

“You don’t want to live in the shadow.” Ren ignites his lightsaber and takes a step towards Ben.

The moment Ben decides his next move, you can feel his resolve. “Ben...don’t,” you whisper quietly. His head tilts slightly in your direction but his eyes don’t search for you like they had in previous visions.

“True.”

Ben's lightsaber is in one hand while his other slowly reaches behind him. With an outstretched hand, he calls Tai’s discarded lightsaber to his palm. In a flash he ignites and crosses both sabers then launches himself at Ren.

“I AM THE SHADOW!”

The two men begin to duel ferociously, swinging and slamming their sabers at one another repeatedly. The fight is slowly moved back into the corridor Ben and Tai had been in when the vision first started.

“Tough talk, but have you ever actually been in a fight before,” Ren chuckles and blocks Ben’s lightsaber.

“Where the other guy really wants you dead, I mean." Ren raises his lightsaber to strike Ben down after pushing him to the ground. Before he can deliver the finishing strike, Ben rolls out of the way and jumps to his feet.

“My guess is Luke Skywalker didn’t let you anywhere near a real fight. You were too precious, too special.” Ren takes a step back and raises in a defensive position, anticipating Ben’s about to charge.

_“Now you will be who you are, who you were always meant to be,”_ the deep menacing voice says in Ben’s mind.

Ren charges Ben instead, having sensed his distraction, and tackles him through the corridor wall and down the cylindrical shaft. Knowing you can’t be hurt, you jump after them and immediately regret the decision once you're free falling and speeding towards the ground at an alarming rate.

“I’m not special! I’m no one!” Ben yells and raises his lightsaber in defense as Ren hovers over him while the three of you fall down the shaft. 

“But that’s good. Means I can do anything I want.” Ren’s saber is poised under Ben’s chin. “I’ve killed a lot of people who thought they were special. You’ll just be another one.” He raises his hand to strike but Ben is just as quick to block the blow. He gets the upper hand and manages to spin in the air so he is now hovering above Ren. 

“Other people think I’m special. I don’t!” Ben yells as he crosses his lightsaber with Tai's and lifts them over his head. Ren panics when he realizes Ben now has the upper hand. “But that’s good! It means I can do anything I want!" Ben repeats Ren's words back to him. "I should have realized what you were asking me to do much earlier Ren!”

Ben inches his way closer to the dark side and the feeling unsettling. As the light within him slowly starts to fade, your discomfort grows. The hair on the back of your neck stands up and you begin to tremble. Leia's voice faintly echoes in the back of Ben's mind which in turn echoes in the back of yours. 

"Ben...oh no... Ben," she says with dismay. Leia's voice and the sudden intense cold that washes over you trigger a memory of yours and it quickly flashes through your mind.

A week or so after leaving the temple, you were crouched inside the control panel of a spice runners ship. Having offered to repair the ship's mainframe in exchange for a few credits and a place to stay, you were up to your waist in circuitry and wiring when the hair on the back of your neck stood up and you began to tremble. Your entire body suddenly felt extremely cold and your anxiety skyrocketed to an alarming level. Panicking to the point of having trouble breathing, you quickly removed yourself from the control panel and glanced around to see what could possibly be causing this reaction. Now you know, you were feeling Ben’s fall to the dark side. 

“Here’s your good death!” Ben yells as he stabs Ren through the chest with one saber and lifts the other in the air to strike him again moments before hitting the ground. 

The older woman with the grey hair is on the ground reaching for her lightsaber when you and Ben land gently on your feet next to her. Before she can grab the hilt, Ben uses the Force and calls her saber to his hand.

“Ben...you killed him...you killed the Knight’s master.” The woman scrambles backward on her hands and raises one of her arms in defense, unsure of Ben’s motives.

“Of course I did. I’m a murderer remember? You’re not a Jedi, Voe. And you never will be. There’s no one left to train you.” Ben ignites Ren’s red saber and takes a step towards her.

“No...oh no.” 

Ben takes another step forward and plunges Ren’s saber through her chest. “Why do you even want to live?” Ben asks with his head titled as if he's genuinely curious. Once Voe’s body crumples to the ground, Ben deactivates the saber and tosses it next to her. He glances over his shoulders at the Knights of Ren standing behind him, unsure of whether or not they intend to attack him as well. Instead, they drop to their knees and lower their heads, bowing to their new master.

“Ben. ..no,” you whisper and reach out to him. This time his head does turn in your direction. The look of desperation, regret, and helplessness is no longer reflected back at you through his eyes. Instead, you’re looking at someone who has completely blocked themselves from attachments. Someone who is no longer conflicted. Someone completely set on snuffing out his light. 

The man looking back at you is no longer Ben Solo. The man in front of you is Kylo Ren, the Master of the Knights of Ren.

The moment you break eye contact with him the vision ends.

* * *

  
  


“Ben.”

You're in your bed in Ben’s room back on the Falcon when you wake up. Your cheeks are damp from crying while you were sleeping which is something you didn’t know was possible. Han, Chewie, and Poe are all crammed either in the room with you or right outside the door. Han moves to sit next to you on the bed and places his hand on your shoulder to give it a quick squeeze.

“Thanks to you, Ben is okay.”

The memory you just witnessed was so intense you momentarily forgot about what happened when you blacked out. Tatooine. Poe shooting Ben. Ben accepting his death and you refusing to let him.

“Where is he? What happened?”

Your eyes dart around the room, silently demanding answers. When they land on Poe the dark side creeps up on you like a low lying fog and for a fraction of a second, you actually consider letting it in, just a little. Glaring daggers at Poe, you try to squash down the desire to cause him pain similar to what Ben felt when he was blasted in the chest. 

“He said you passed out because of all the energy you used to heal him. He brought you to us and gave you to Chewie before walking back to his ship,” Poe says without making eye contact with you.

“He...he brought me to the Falcon? Why would. . he wanted me to go with him. He said he’d take me by force if necessary. I was unconscious and couldn't protest so why didn’t he take me with him?”

“I think you know the answer to that question kid,” Han smirks at you and stands, giving you one more squeeze before leaving the room. He pauses and glances at you over his shoulder. “Thank you for saving my son,” he says quietly. You don’t miss the way his eyes narrow at Poe before he walks away. 

Chewie stands and goes to follow him but not before roughly running his hand over your head to mess up your hair. After grunting and walking out the door, Poe looks at you questionably, hoping you'll take pity on him and translate.

"He said little Ben loves me. Well he didn't say 'me' he said 'princess.' Before you ask, I have no idea why he calls me princess. He's been doing it since Takodana and I haven't had the chance to ask him." Poe nods as a silent thanks before the two of you sit in silence for a lot longer than you expected to. While sitting awkwardly on your bed, waiting for Poe to speak, you decide to try something.

Ben seems to have some sort of control over your connection all of a sudden. He may not be able to force a connection open but you're pretty sure he's able to end it when he wants to. That's the impression you got back on Tatooine anyways. You haven’t bothered to try to start or stop a connection between the two of you but you’re about to. You want to talk to him and ask him why he didn’t take you with him. It’s not that you wanted to go but you don't understand what made him change his mind and you want answers. 

After taking a deep breath, you close your eyes, clear your mind, relax, and think of Ben. Your thoughts are of nothing but him as you try to reach out to him. When you finally find him in the Force, you focus and reach out to him in a silent plea for his company. You feel the connection forming, you feel the shock Ben feels at your request, and you feel him push you away and block the connection. The intensity of the rejection takes your breath away and you gasp before you can stop yourself. 

Even though he shut you out, you can still sense what he's feeling. Loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, and longing. Longing in an almost desperate way. To your surprise, he isn’t mad at you but he's confused and conflicted, more so than before. If he hadn't just metaphorically slammed the door in your face, you'd reach out to him and let him know he's not alone but that's no longer an option. Your eyes drop to your hands which are resting in your lap and nervously picking at the hem of your shirt.

“Do you talk first? I talk first? One of us needs to talk before I lose my damn mind,” Poe says.

Your eyes leave your hands and look up to meet his. For the first time since waking you, you notice how bad he looks. When you pushed him backwards into the Falcon using the Force, you put a lot of power into it. When he landed it must have been hard enough to cause some damage because he winces when he tries to sit up straighter in his chair.

“I’m sorry I threw you into the Falcon,” you chuckle at the absurdity of the statement.

“I guess I deserved it. I-“ he pauses and sighs. “I want you to know I wasn’t trying to kill him. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t do that. . not to Leia. . not to you. I don’t understand your feelings for him but it’s clear, now more than ever, that it runs deeper than just a Force connection.”

To acknowledge his apology, you give him a small nod, hoping he'll take it as a signal to continue.

“I saw him raise his lightsaber and thought he was going to kill you but started to lower his arms the moment I pulled the trigger. I would have stopped it if I could have but it was too late. I regretted it the moment you screamed.”

Swallowing the lump suddenly forming in your throat, you divert your attention from Poe to your hands again. “It’s okay Poe. I probably would have done the same thing in your position. Thanks for trying to protect me though. I told you he wouldn't kill me or hurt me, at least not intentionally. You should listen to me more often. Hopefully you’re starting to realize that I am always right,” you smirk at him to ease the tension. 

“Yeah unfortunately I’m starting to learn just how similar you are to Leia. You don’t need anyone to protect you.”

“Well it’s better late than never. Come here,” you pat the spot next to you on your bed. Wincing, Poe slowly gets to his feet and hobbles over to you. You reach out your arm and pull him into an awkward sideways hug. “I forgive you. Plus, if Han told Leia you're going to be in deep shit once you get back to the base and I’m sure you’ve already gotten an ear full from Chewie and Han.” 

“God you have no idea,” he sighs and runs his hand through his curly hair.

“Stay still,” you command. Poe turns to look at you straight on and freezes when you place your hand on his back and close your eyes.

“Wait wait wait. You’re not going to try and heal me are you? You’ve been asleep for hours and you just woke up. No.”

“Poe, it isn’t going to effect me nearly as much as when I healed Ben. He was dying and you just have some bumps and bruises. . and maybe a cracked rib. It’s fine plus it gives me a chance to practice. Now shut up and let me concentrate.”

He huffs but does as he's told. Healing him is a lot easier to do than when you healed Ben. You were lying to Poe when you said it wouldn’t take much out of you but you’re pleasantly surprised to know it was the truth. Once you’re sure he’s back to normal you open your eyes.

“Better?” 

“Much better. Thanks.”

“I need you to promise me something Poe,” you say with your brow furrowed. You know your request is a big one and you almost feel bad asking it of him but that doesn’t stop you.

“Anything. . well. . almost anything.”

“Promise me that when it comes to Ben, no matter how things seem, you won’t hurt him. Maybe we’re in the same position again and he has his lightsaber ready to strike, doesn’t matter. You won’t hurt him.”

“You can’t expect me to-”

“Promise me or I’ll contact Leia right now and tell her what happened with a lot more detail than Han would have used,” you smirk.

“Damn. . harsh. . but okay. I promise,” Poe chuckles.

“Good. Now lets go eat I’m starving.”

* * *

When Ben arrived back at the First Order base he went straight to his quarters. Exhausted and emotionally drained, he knew at any moment Snoke would demand to speak to him and he wanted to shower and hopefully rest before facing him. The interaction would not be pleasant, regardless of what he wanted to discuss. He continuously reached out to you to check on you through the Force to ensure you were still okay and merely sleeping. Relief coursed through him every time he reached out and felt how relaxed and calm you were.

Clean and tired, he crawled into his bed and tried his best to relax but sleep eluded him. All he could think about was you and it was becoming problematic. He’s a selfish man, he has been for as long as he can remember and he knows it. Which is why he wants you by his side so badly, more than he’s ever wanted anything. But he knows you don’t deserve that and he knows he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve someone like Poe Dameron, someone good and full of light like you are. Not someone filled with darkness and rage like him. He would taint you and twist you into something dark. You deserve someone that isn’t a monster like he is.

When you healed him he felt your light flow through his body. It was one of the best feelings he’s ever experienced, being completely consumed by you. Had he known what it would feel like to be healed by you, to have your light comfort him, he may have willingly taken a blast to the chest the moment he met you. It’s a feeling he’ll never forget, nor would he want to.

The moment you healed him he realized he no longer has any desire to draw you to the dark side. If you turned, you wouldn’t be _you_ anymore. Your light would be snuffed out and your light is one of the reasons he loves you. 

“Force help me I love her. I love her more than anything,” Ben mumbled to himself into the darkness of his bedroom. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands until he calmed down enough to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall since leaving you with his father. 

If things were different he wouldn’t have left you. Instead, he would have apologized to his father for everything, marched up the ramp with you in his arms, and laid you on his bed in his old room. He would have kicked off his boots, removed his cowl, and laid down next to you until you opened your gorgeous (E/C) eyes and stared back at him. He’d tell you how beautiful you are, how you complete him, how he’s never cared about anyone more in his life. He’d tell you how you make him feel like a better person, even though he knows he’s not. But things aren’t different. You’re on the Falcon, and he’s with the First Order and no matter how much he wants things to be different, they aren’t and they won’t be. 

After everything he’s done he can never go back to his family and he refuses to burden you with his sins. His father said you all love him and are waiting for him to come home, but he can’t believe it, not after everything that’s happened. He almost killed Luke, his own uncle, and honestly he still wants to. There’s no way his mother would ever forgive him. His father seemed sincere enough but he wasn’t convinced. After all, he agreed with his mother to send him away. They threw him away and left him with Luke who treated him like all the other students at the temple. He may as well have been shipped off to a stranger. So why would they want him now?

Exhausted and confused, Ben finally managed to clear his mind enough to fall asleep but it didn’t last very long. When you woke up and said his name, he heard it as if you were in the same room with him. He knew you weren’t there but a small part of him was hoping miraculously you would be. Fear, anxiety, and longing was what Ben could sense from you. He understood why you may be afraid and anxious. You were probably afraid of him and anxious thinking he had made good on his word and brought you against your will to the First Order base. Longing though, he had no idea what you could be longing for. There’s no way you were longing for him. Not after everything, not after he raised his lightsaber at you. Sighing, he laid back against his pillow and tried to think of anything else but you. Without realizing it, he started repeating the Jedi code:

“There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.”

When he realized what he had said, he gasped and covered his face with his hands. If _anyone_ else heard him, he’d be as good as dead. “What is wrong with me!” he gritted his teeth and tugged at his hair hard enough to make him wince. He switched to the Sith code as if it could make up for his treacherous thoughts..

“Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall set me free.”

When he was younger, before leaving his old life behind, he always related to the Sith code more than the Jedi code. There were parts he agreed with and parts he didn’t but he always had both light and dark in him. The two sides were at war with each other for as long as he could remember and everyone wanted him to choose one side or the other. No one was ever happy with him just being himself. . a little bit of light. . a little bit of dark. It wasn’t enough and now, now he’s being torn apart. The pain is almost physically effecting him. 

He needs to finish what he started by snuffing out the light once and for all. To completely embrace the dark is to snuff out the light and he’s slowly realizing, you’re his light. He would never hurt you, he couldn't even if he wanted to, so killing you isn’t an option. The best he can do is to cut ties with you as best as he can. The first step is to block you out, starting with your bond. Ben knows he can’t sever the bond completely but he can try his best to block the connection. If he can block you out he won’t have to talk to you or see your face. He knows the moment he does, his resolve will crumble.

Just as he comes to this realization he feels you trying to connect with him. He didn’t know either one of you could choose when to connect to the other but apparently it’s possible and he doesn’t know how he feels about that information. With tears in his eyes, he does his best to construct a mental wall. He feels the moment you realize he’s purposely blocking you out and the emotion you’re feeling is enough to momentarily change his mind. Right when he’s about to let you in, a message comes in through his datapad on the small nightstand next to his bed.

“The Supreme Leader requests your presence Ren,” Hux rudely chirps at him.

Ben sighs and squeezes his eyes shut in an effort to clear his mind, free himself of his emotions, and look emotionless as possible. His mask will help hide what he’s feeling to an extent but there’s no way, no matter how strong he is with the Force, that he’ll be able to keep Snoke out of his head. Snoke’s too strong and he’s weak and pathetic. "A child in a mask," as Snoke had said.

Resigned, Ben gets out of his bed and quickly get dressed for his meeting with his master. Snoke doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

* * *

After eating to the point of making yourself sick, you make your way into the cockpit. Chewie is sleeping and Poe is brushing up on his Dejarik skills, hoping to eventually beat you. Han is sitting in the pilot’s seat with his arms crossed, watching the stars streak by. 

“You okay old man?”

Han merely grunts and keeps his eyes trained straight ahead. After you sit in the co-pilot’s seat next to him you realize there won't be any friendly banter tonight, but you're okay with that. He has a strange calming effect on you and you’re fine just being in his presence. You peak your head out of the cockpit as best as you can from the co-pilot’s chair and stretch your palm down the corridor and close your eyes.

As the Jedi text flies from where you left it, you hear a loud ‘thump’ followed by “Kriff! Shit! Ow!” Poe yells from the Dejarik table. The book Maz left you flies into your hand with ease after hitting Poe in the back of the head.

“Sorry Poe!” you call down the corridor while laughing.

“Liar,” Poe calls back. 

With a smile, you get as comfortable as possible in the co-pilot’s seat and crack open the book. Hours pass by as you immerse yourself in the ancient text in your hands. There’s an abundance of information in your lap. A lot of it doesn’t make much sense without proper context. You start to make a mental list of all of the questions you have for Luke. If Ben would stop shutting you out you could try and connect with him again and ask him a few questions. He said he had read the book so he may have answers. Behind the tall, pale, and handsome vibe, behind the scowl and anger, is a _huge_ nerd that loves to read and learn as much as possible. The thought of Ben excitedly hunched over a book brings a smile to your face. 

“What’s got you smiling?” Han asks suddenly.

His voice echoing through the cockpit startles you enough that you jump an inch off your seat. “Damn it Han. . scared the shit out of me,” you huff and bring your hand to your chest which of course it makes him laugh. Instead of repeating his question, he stares at you and patiently awaits an answer.

“Uh. . well . . Ben mentioned he had read this book before. Either he retains information really well or he read it enough times to memorize it. He knew what information I was looking for just by looking at the cover. I was just picturing his huge ass body crouched over a pile of books, nerding out.”

Han smirks because what you’re picturing wouldn't be too far fetched had things gone differently. “When he was little he was always nose deep in a book. Some kids consider being forced to read a form of punishment. With Ben it was the opposite. Taking a book away from him was the worst thing you could do. He was always freakishly strong in the Force but it was never really important to him. He had the ability and made it quite clear whenever he didn’t get his way but he wasn’t into fighting or lightsabers and what not. At least he wasn’t before he left.” Han doesn’t make eye contact with you he speaks. Instead, he keeps his eyes straight ahead of him.

“Why did you guys send him away? Did you think that’s what he wanted, to be a Jedi?”

“I didn’t want to send him away. Leia. . Leia and I actually fought about it for a while. We just didn’t know what to do with him. He was so strong and he only got stronger as he got older. Leia only trained with Luke for a couple of years so she had no idea how to help him. Luke was at the temple training young Force users so Leia thought if anyone could teach Ben how to control his emotions and his powers it would be him. The moment we sent him away. . I knew it was a mistake. The minute the ship was out of sight it took everything in me not to board the Falcon and chase after him.”

You wish there was a way to record what you were hearing so you could show Ben how wanted he is, how wanted he always has been but he's still keeping you out. You don’t need to reach out to him to know that.

“Leia. . I think she’ll feel guilty about it until the day she dies. I didn’t talk to her for a couple of years after what happened at the temple. Still haven't talked to Luke. I’m just as much to blame but it was hard not to blame them both. We were just scared he’d turn into Vader. He always had so much dark in him. Well an equal amount of both and it scared her half to death. We should have been around for him more too. I was away on runs and Leia didn’t want me bringing him with me, said it wasn’t safe. She was busy with her political crap. Ben was usually forced to go with her or left with nanny droids. If I had put my foot down and brought him with me anyways. . maybe things would have gone differently. . maybe-”

“No Han. Stop. There’s no point thinking about the ‘what if’s’ because it won’t change anything. What’s done is done. Best we can do is think of what we can do to fix the mistakes that were made, not dwell on why you made them.” Han finally turns his attention towards you.

“Ben doesn’t talk about his childhood much and I’ve only seen glimpses of his past in visions. I’m not going to sugar coat anything because I respect you too much and I hope you respect me enough to do the same in the future. That being said, yes, you guys kriffed up, royally. I saw when Ben fell, when he made his decision to go to the dark. He felt hopeless and trapped. He genuinely felt like you guys abandoned him and didn’t want him. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse than you already do. I’m telling you this so you’ll understand why Ben isn’t running back to us with open arms. After feeling unwanted for years, can you blame him for not believing us when he’s told he’s wanted and loved?” Han sighs and glances down to his hands which were now resting in his lap.

“He’s conflicted but he wants to come back. I know he does. But he’s been brainwashed and conditioned to think what we’re saying is a lie. The fact that he left me with you and didn’t take me back with him is proof he’s torn now more than ever. I can’t push him anymore. Now all I can do is . . well . . I guess the best we can do is be here for him. When he realizes we aren’t going anywhere, when he realizes Snoke is full of shit, I know he’ll want to be with us. Right now it’s his decision though. He’ll need you when he’s back more than ever. Don’t think about what you should have done with Ben. Think about what you’re going to do with him once he’s back,” you smile at him and reach out to him to squeeze his hand reassuringly.

Han smiles at you, a genuine smile with tears in his eyes. 

“Am I interrupting? I feel like I’m interrupting. I’ll leave now,” Poe says as he spins on his heels the moment he sees the conversation he was interrupting was obviously meant to be private.

“Nah you’re good. She's going to bed.”

“I am?” you ask with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes. We’ll be in Ahch-To in a couple of hours. You should rest before we do. No idea what’s going to happen or what to expect. It’s best you’re well rested.” 

“Whatever you say dad,” you snort and roll your eyes. You hadn’t meant to call him that. It was purely sarcastic and the moment you realize what you said the color drains from your face. Your eyes widen and dart to Han. 

“I didn’t mean that. . I was being an asshole. Sorry I-”

“Relax. It has a nice ring to it. Better than old man,” he smirks.

You have no idea what to say so you merely nod and practically run to your quarters with tears in your eyes. Han is okay with you calling him ‘dad’ and you’re not sure whether or not you’d actually be comfortable doing so considering you’ve never really had a dad of your own. Knowing Han considers you to be like a daughter. . it’s too much to deal with. 

Laying down on Ben’s bed, you roll onto your stomach, smash your face into your pillow, and groan. Unfortunately you're not tired at all. At least you don’t think you are, but sleeping sounds more appealing than sitting and overthinking. The moment you close your eyes you feel the force connection open and when you open them you’re no longer in your room. When you open your eyes you’re lying on a black couch in a cold and dimly lit room. After quickly getting to your feet, you slowly make your way around the unfamiliar room, observing your surroundings.

Everything is black or grey which means you're more than likely in Ben's room. There’s a rather large bed in the center of the room, big enough to accommodate his huge body. There's a small nightstand on the side of the bed and on top of it there's a datapad facing upward and flashing. The bookshelf in the corner of the room confirms your suspicions, Ben is a huge nerd. There are so many books crammed on to the shelves that you’re surprised he hasn’t started stacking them on the floor. Parchment, ink bottles, and quills are scattered across a long table facing the window. Absentmindedly, you drag your hand along the top of the table but pull it back as if it burned you and gasp. Your hand doesn’t pass through the table like you assumed it would. You can actually feel it. Trembling, you outstretch your hand towards the bookshelf and call a random book to you. Using the Force, a book flies from the shelf and into your open hand. Shocked, you drop the book at your feet and stare at it as if it personally wronged you. 

The sound of rustling near the bed startles you enough to take a step back. A large lump of black is laying on top of the bed. The mass of black blends into the beds black sheets, had it not moved you may not have noticed anyone was there. Now that you’re paying attention, you slowly walk towards the foot of the bed. Shaky painful breaths are coming from the lump on the bed and thick long legs with knee length boots are dangling over the foot of the bed. After visibly confirming what you're seeing is Ben, you close the distance between you quickly and hover over him. You cover your mouth with your hands the moment you see his face.

Lightning shaped burns start under his chin and travel down below his cowl. The way he is breathing suggests he might have a punctured lung and/or a few broken ribs. His lip is busted and his cheekbone is swollen and discolored. It looks as if he was beaten or tortured, possibly both. You want to touch him. You have to touch him because he needs to know he’s not alone. He needs to know you’re with him and you care.

Knowing what you're about to do will change everything between the two of you, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Slowly, you sit down on the edge of the bed next to him and take his face in your hands. When he doesn’t move, you lean down and press your lips to his forehead.

“You’re not alone.”

His eyes snap open and he tilts his head away from you to get a better look at your face but he doesn’t remove your hands. His brow is furrowed with shock and confusion. You’re not sure whether it’s because you touched him or because you’re there with him in general. 

“What did you say?” he asks quietly and shakily. 

“I. . I said you’re not alone.”

His facial expression doesn’t change but his eyes are red and glossy. “It is you,” he whispers.

“What?” You ask confused.

“It’s you. . it’s always been you.”

“I. .”

You’re not sure what to say because you’re not even sure if he’s aware of what’s going on or if he's just talking in his sleep. He’s in bad shape. Thankfully he changes the subject for you.

“How are you here? I blocked you out. How are you. . how are you touching me?” He leans into your touch further and closes his eyes.

“I don’t know how I’m touching you or how I’m here. I stopped trying to reach out to you once I realized you were ignoring me, asshole. I was trying to fall asleep when I ended up here. I can see we’re in your room and I can touch things now. I have no idea what changed.”

“Hmm,” is all he says as he continues to nuzzle your hand.

“What happened to you,” you ask hesitantly.

He tenses and stops moving closer to you. Knowing how he’s about to react, you remove one of your hands from his face and begin to run it through his sweat soaked hair. Your nails lightly pressed into his scalp each time you pulled your hand back and he practically purrs with contentment. The tension eases from his shoulders as he relaxes into your touch. Waiting for him to explain on his own, you sit quietly next to him and continue playing with his hair.

“Snoke,” Ben rasps.

His voice is deep as if thick with sleep but his eyes are open and gauging your reaction. After a small nod of acknowledgement, you look away. It wasn’t hard to guess what or who caused his injuries even though you still asked. You're actually more interested in why he was punished, if there was even a reason.

_“Because I left the base after he told me not to. I went after you and I didn’t come back with you. I told him if he gave me another chance I wouldn’t fail him.”_

You’re assuming it’s easier for him to speak to you through the bond instead of verbally since he chose to answer your unasked question that way.

“I’m weak. I always have been. Snoke is right,” Ben says out loud this time.

“Shut up. Don’t be an idiot. You’re not weak. Snoke is just stronger than you and uses that as an advantage to put you down. Without the dark side he’s nothing but a creepy fragile old man in a fancy chair. We could easily kick his ass any day,” you smile at him. 

“Maybe. Maybe not physically. But he’s right. I am weak. _You_ make me weak. You’re my weakness and he knows it,” he practically whispers. Your heart starts beating rapidly at his confession. You’re not sure whether or not you should be insulted or flattered.

“You can call it what you’d like but the statement is not meant to insult you. It’s merely fact.” Ben breaks eye contact with you in favor of staring at the ceiling.

“Are we gonna play that game now? You read my mind, I read yours?”

“Sorry. . you’re thoughts are quite loud.”

“I’ll work on thinking quieter.” you smirk.

It's hard to be irritated when it looks like he's knocking on deaths door. Glancing around his room for something that can help, you spot the fresher. Slowly removing your hands from his hair and his face, you start to slide off the large bed. Before you get far, Ben’s hand shoots out and grabs yours.

“Where are you going? Don’t go,” he pleads. The desperation in his eyes almost takes your breath away.

“I’m going to get a towel to clean you off. You look like shit.” He huffs and releases your hand.

When you first took a bath on the Resistance base you had felt pampered and spoiled. Not only because your quarters had it’s own fresher but because of the array of soaps they had left you. You specifically remember wondering what Ben’s amenities were like if the Resistance had such things available. Your question was now answered.

The fresher was the size of your room back at the Resistance base. Of course it was also black and grey and spotless, just like his bedroom. Instead of taking your time to appreciate the luxury that was offered to him, you begin opening and closing drawers until you find what you’re looking for. After grabbing the first aid kit and a damp wash cloth, you sit on the bed next to Ben again.

“Okay strip,” you say as you open up the first aid kid and gather the supplies you intend to use.

“W-what,” Ben’s voice cracks and he clears his throat.

“I didn’t stutter. Strip. I know you’re hurt elsewhere. I need to disinfect and clean your wounds. You’re gigantic and there’s no way I’ll be able to undress you myself. I mean. . unless you’d like me to. I'm sure I can manage,” you arch an eye brow and glance in his direction. His cheeks are on fire.

“N-n-o . . I mean I'd like you to. . that's not what I meant. I mean. . I-” he clears his throat again in an attempt to hide his nerves. “I can do it.” 

When he winces and struggles to sit up on his own, you drape your arm across his shoulders and help him sit up. Once your supplies are ready and waiting to be used, you sit and watch Ben struggle to undress himself. You know he needs help, and he knows it too, but there’s no way he’ll ask you to undress him. The fiery color of his cheeks suggests he couldn’t ask even if he wanted to.

“For kriff sake,” you huff impatiently and slide off the bed. You push Ben’s legs apart and stand between them in order to get close enough to help him undress. Ben’s breath hitches and his eyes widen. 

“Can you lift up your arms on you’re own?” Seeing how flustered you make him washes away the impatient irritation his slow movements had caused. He doesn’t say a word, merely nods.

“Good. Lift up your arms,” you say as you grab the hem of his tunic. Wincing, he raises his arms slowly over his head. As carefully as you can, you lift his tunic up and over his head before tossing it to the side of the bed. Underneath his tunic he’s wearing a long sleeved shirt.

“Seriously how many layers are you wearing? Aren’t you hot?”

He huffs and narrows his eyes at you until your fingers graze his thighs while reaching for the bottom of his shirt. He jerks back a bit at your touch and you do your best to pretend like you didn’t notice his reaction. When he doesn’t lift his arms so you can remove the next shirt, you give the hem a quick tug. Taking the hint, he slowly raises his arms above his head again. Underneath that shirt is one more, this time a thin muscle shirt that’s tucked into his pants. Before you can stop yourself you’re laughing so hard your stomach cramps. Ben looks at you confused until he realizes why you're laughing. He huffs and glances away from you.

“I’m sorry. . I’m sorry. . you’re just. . you're wearing so many damn layers. What the hell are you preparing for, a snow storm? Were you planning on visiting Hoth? I’m surprised that blast got through to you. Surely the million layers you’re wearing could have at least lessened the impact.” The look on his face only made you laugh harder. If he wasn’t hurt you knew he would be crossing his arms over his chest right now.

“Are you finished?” His head is turned away from you and he's staring out the window.

“Yes,” you say as you take a deep breath to calm yourself down. Your fingers graze his thighs again as you pull his shirt out from his waist band. His breath hitches once more and his eyes dart to yours. “You know what to do,” you tell him when he doesn't lift his arms.

After removing his last shirt, you're finally blessed with nothing but pale scar riddled skin. You can feel your cheeks flush as you take in the sight before you. It takes everything in you not to run your hands along his muscular chest and broad shoulders. He clears his throat and raises an eyebrow at you with a smirk, having caught you admiring his physique. You lean in close to him as if you’re going to kiss him but turn your head to the right slightly as you lean over his shoulder to reach the disinfectant and the wash cloth. Once the the cloth is wet with disinfectant, you focus on cleaning his wounds and not on the feel of his skin against yours.

“Your cheeks are awfully flushed sweetheart. See something you like?” he says quietly as you begin to clean a nasty gash on his chest. You can’t help but smile at the term of endearment. Ben’s back and he’s obviously not in too much pain if he’s back to being cocky. 

“Actually, I was just thinking. It’s a good thing you weren’t trying to sleep with me. Undressing you took an hour. It would have definitely killed the mood.”

You don’t need to glance up at him to know he’s blushing. The bob of his throat and the feel of his rapid heartbeat against your palm speaks wonders. After that comment he chooses to stay quiet, only making small noises when you touch a particularly painful area of his chest. You’re pretty sure he has at least two broken ribs based on the nasty shade of purple his skin has turned.

“You should let me heal you,” you say quietly, knowing what his reaction will be.

“No. You’ve done that enough. I didn’t deserve it then and I don’t deserve it now.”

“Don’t be stupid. You’re really hurt Ben."

"If you heal me Snoke will know. I can't march into his throne room completely healed, it will raise suspicion."

"Can I at least heal your broken ribs? I'll leave your cuts and bruises but your ribs can be healed. He can't tell if they're broken or not."

"No."

"What if I wasn’t here?" you practically yell. "Were you just gonna lay in bed alone until what? I doubt anyone’s going to come in here and-” 

An uncomfortable thought crosses your mind. Does the First Order have women readily available for higher ranking officers? You’ve heard around various cantina’s that the higher ups have basically everything they could ever want handed to them, including _that_. Ben’s so awkward around you, you always assumed he had little to no experience in that area but you could easily be wrong. It’s not something that’s come up in the few conversations you’ve had in the rare moments you two were together and not trying to beat each other or avoid capture and death. Maybe that’s what he was waiting for before you showed up. For someone to come to him, clean and dress his wounds, and take care of him in more ways than one.

You don’t realize you’re frowning or that you’re practically screaming your insecurities to Ben through your bond until his hand covers yours as it’s rubbing ointment into a now clean gash. “No,” he says quietly while staring into your eyes. You don’t respond because you know that he knows what’s bothering you.

“Yes, that type of thing is offered to the higher ranking officers but I am not one of them.” 

You’re unconvinced and it’s obvious. He’s basically the second in command to the Supreme Leader. There’s no way he’s excluded from such . . benefits.

“No I’m not excluded. Technically I _could_. . indulge . . if I chose to do so but I don’t and I haven’t. . ever. When I’m injured I prefer to suffer in silence in my quarters which is what I would have done had you not so rudely interrupted my suffering.” Embarrassed he heard your insecure and jealous thoughts, you hesitantly glance up at him. He looks sincere enough but you’re still unconvinced.

“I find it hard to believe Mr. Tall Pale and Handsome, second in command to the Supreme Leader, doesn’t partake in the 'benefits' offered to you.” Saying the last part almost leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

“Well believe it. I’ve never ‘indulged’. I’ve never wanted to until-” he stops himself from saying more than he intended to but he knows you know what he was about to say.

The hand you're using to rub in the ointment on his wounds pauses for a moment but you continue, deciding to spare him the embarrassment prying would cause. The two of you lapse into a comfortable silence while you tend to him. When you’re nearly done treating his wounds, you ask the question that’s been bothering you since the moment you woke up on the Falcon instead of at the First Order's base after leaving Tatooine. 

“Why did you leave me on Tatooine?” you ask breaking the silence abruptly.

You keep your eyes focused on the cut your cleaning instead of looking up at him. Even sitting he’s almost taller than you. Not only do you hear him take a deep breath but you see his chest fall and rise. He’s quiet for so long you assume he’s going to ignore you until he gently places a finger under your chin and tips your face up to meet his.

“You know why,” he says quietly. The intensity of his stare is hard to bare. You’re about to pull away from his hold when he speaks again. “Why did you kiss me on Takodana? Why did you heal me on Tatooine?” You both know the answer to both questions is the same. Just like you know the answer to the one you asked him. “You know why,” you repeat back to him without breaking eye contact.

The moment is extremely intimate and the air is thick with tension. If either one of you is going to make any sort of advance towards the other, now is the time. But Ben, being Ben, has to ruin it.

“You’re an idiot,” he scoffs and releases your chin. You stare back at him, blinking a few times with your mouth slightly open, completely shocked by the 180 his mood and demeanor took in a manner of seconds.

“Um. . what?” 

“You heard me. I said you’re an idiot. There’s no other explanation for why you would have healed me. I’m your enemy, you said it yourself. I’m one of the top officers of the First Order, second to the Supreme Leader. So I’ll say it again, you’re an idiot. Especially if you have feelings for me. You deserve to be with someone better. . someone. .someone untainted. . someone like. . . Dameron.”

You can’t stop the snort that comes out of you. First he’s an asshole, then slowly he transitions into being sweet in his own weird Ben way, now he’s just being ridiculous.

“Dameron? Poe Dameron? Are you really suggesting I should ‘be with’ him romantically? Did I miss something?”

“Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve seen the way he finds an excuse to touch you and I’ve seen the way you don’t shy away from him. It would be so easy for you. The two of you could lead the Resistance with my mother as the new Jedi and the Resistance’s ‘top pilot’,” Ben sneers. 

“Oh okay so you think I’m too good for you. Is that what I’m hearing? Your mood swings are making me dizzy so please confirm or deny that _is_ in fact what you’re saying.”

“I don’t _think_ you’re too good for me. I _know_ you are.”

“And you think I should be with Poe, regardless of what I think?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then,” you shrug and extract yourself from between Ben's legs.

“W-what?” he asks with disbelief.

You start to gather the used first aid supplies and pack up what was left. “I _said_ okay then. If you think that’s best for me then why not? How I feel or what I think doesn’t matter apparently. Since you think he’s better than you I may as well give it a shot. Things with _you_ obviously aren’t going anywhere. You're here and I'm across the galaxy and you have no intention of being with me outside of this bond we have. You’re right, Poe is awfully nice to me and I don’t shy away from him.” 

You look anywhere but at Ben as you continue your act of indifference and detachment. Ben's anger and jealousy is increasing at an alarming rate which gives you a good idea of what his face looks like.

“I mean, my feelings towards him are different than what you assume they are. Which you should know considering you can not only feel what I feel but can also read my mind. But if you think that’s best then who am I to try and change your mind. Every time I’ve tried I’ve failed.”

With the first aid supplies are back in the box, you pick it up and begin to walk towards the fresher. You don’t get far before Ben roughly grabs you by the arm, and yanks you back towards him until you are flush against his chest. The first aid kit crashes to the ground and the contents scatter across the floor.

“Ben?”

You’re both breathing heavily with only an inch of space between you. He doesn’t say a word but he loosens his grip on your arm and starts rubbing circles into it with his thumb. His eyes dart from yours to your lips and back again while his free hand cups the back of your neck. Every breath he takes fans across your lips and vice versa. One of you is going to kiss the other, the question is who is going to crack first.

“Is that what you want? Do you really want me to be with Poe?” Your eyes search his face for the answer you already know.

“No,” he whispers as his fingers comb through your hair.

“Why not?” 

His eyes are still on your mouth when he swallows hard and glances up at you. “Because you’re mine.”

Before he loses his resolve he quickly closes the space between you and presses his lips against yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate when authors end chapters like this. Sorry.
> 
> Reminder, the visions of Ben's past are straight out of The Rise of Kylo Ren comics.


	10. Hostage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe's this |---| close to making matching BFF bracelets. 
> 
> You're |---| this close to losing your shit.
> 
> Ben is needy AF and sucks at hiding it.

* * *

_I wanna be alone  
_ _Alone with you - does that make sense?  
_ _I wanna steal your soul and hide you in my treasure chest  
_ _I don't know what to do with your kiss on my neck  
_ _I don't know what feels true but this feels right so stay a sec  
_ _Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec and let me crawl inside your veins  
_ _I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain  
_ _It's not like me to be so mean  
_ _You're all I wanted  
_ _Just let me hold you  
_ _Like a hostage_

_Billie Elish - Hostage_

* * *

  
  


The feel of Ben’s body against yours is worth every near death experience you’ve had since meeting him. Ben’s thoughts are so loud he might as well be yelling them at you. Needless to say what he is feeling and thinking conveys the feeling is mutual. What started out as slow and sweet has quickly turned into intense and needy. The hand that had been gently running circles on your arm has moved to your lower back so he can pull you in closer to him. Ben’s deep and all encompassing need for physical contact and intimacy in general is overwhelming, but in a good way. It's a different type of need, the need to be close to someone, to feel needed, and to feel wanted. Of course he won’t turn down getting in your pants which also doesn’t need to be voiced. 

He's in pain and is trying to hide it which is why you need to pull away. Nothing else could separate the two of you at the moment. You start to pull away from him but you don’t get very far. Not only does he chase your lips with his but he also pulls you in closer to his body until you're flush against him. Smiling against his lips, you place both hands gently against his chest, and pull away again. When his mouth is out of reach of yours a small almost inaudible whine escapes his lips. Once he realizes he was the one that made the noise his cheeks turn a dark shade of crimson. You’re both breathing heavily and staring at one another so you don't miss the way his eyes dart from yours to your lips again. 

“You’re in pain.”

“Nope. I’m fine. Never better actually,” he pulls your face back to his and presses his lips against yours but you laugh against his mouth and pull away again.

“You can lie to a lot of people but I’m not one of them. Strip and get into bed.”

“W-what?”

“One of these days when I tell you to get naked it isn’t going to fluster you. I said strip. You’re not going to bed in those pants or your boots and you need to sleep.”

He clears his throat and nods. You wiggle out of his hold and pick up the scattered first aid supplies. Without turning to look at him, you can hear Ben undressing and cursing under his breath every time he moves a specific way. Once the supplies are back in the first aid kit you take it back to the fresher where you found it and return to Ben’s room. This is the longest the Force has kept you two connected and you can’t help but wonder why. What made this time different? Is it because Ben needed you, in more ways than one? Does the Force care about what either one of you need? If so, why? 

“Your thought process is exhausting. Does your mind ever turn off?” Ben says from under the covers. 

“Does yours?”

“Fair point,” he smirks. As you approach his bed he lifts the blanket up and waits for you to crawl into bed with him.

“Assuming much aren’t you?” 

He scowls at you but doesn’t lower his arm. “You said so yourself, I’m in pain and need to sleep. Either you get under this blanket with me where I’m comfortable or I sit up and go to you. Your choice.”

This is how it would be with Ben if there was no First Order, no Resistance, no Jedi, no Dark side, and no Snoke. Just you and him every night. Ben seems genuinely happy you're with him, even though he’s physically injured. And the two of you aren’t arguing over whose side is the right side to be on. At the moment, it’s just the two of you enjoying each other. 

You crawl under the blankets with him but before you have a chance to even attempt to get comfortable, two strong arms grab you and pull you against his chest forcefully, as if you may disappear at any moment which technically could happen. His mouth is on yours the moment your head hits the pillow. 

You’ve kissed one person before when you were younger. It was sloppy and uncomfortable and at the time you had no idea why people liked it so much. Now you know. Ben hasn’t kissed anyone before but he's a quick learner, you heard the thought pass quickly when he first pressed his lips to yours.

Slowly, your tongue slides across his soft bottom lip, silently requesting access to his mouth. Obediently he parts his lips and allows your tongue to slowly caress his own. The moan that escapes his lips makes your toes curl. 

As much as you want to continue the heavy petting you know you need to stop. This is the longest you two have been around each other without fighting, and this is the first time you’ve kissed, a real kiss and not one in distress. If you continue down the path you want to continue down, you’ll both be naked in minutes. You don’t even know if sex is possible through your Force connection and you’re not sure you want to know. If you’re going to do _that_ for the first time you would prefer it be in person where the other person can't randomly disappear mid-thrust. 

“Ben,” you say against his lips.

“Hmm?”

His lips move away from yours as he presses a gentle kiss against the side of your mouth and begins to trail kisses across your cheek until he reaches the crook of your neck. And Force help you, he starts to suck, nearly dissolving your resolve to pump the brakes. 

“Ben,” you say breathlessly. “We need to stop.” 

His mouth stops moving but he doesn’t pull away from you. “Why?” he asks with his lips against your skin. Instead of assaulting you with more kisses, he chooses to nuzzle his face into the crook of your neck. He knows you’re right but it doesn’t mean he wants to acknowledge it.

“You know why,” you chuckle. “You’re hurt and we’re both tired. As much as I’d like to have you on top of me-” Ben groans and kisses your neck again. “I’d rather not do this for the first time through our Force bond. Plus, we don’t even know how long the Force will keep me here. This is already the longest we’ve been connected.” 

Sighing, he kisses your neck once more before pulling back and resting his head on the pillow next to yours. His arms are still wrapped around you like a vice, as if he held onto you tight enough the Force won’t be able to take you from him. You run your hand through his hair while he stares at you with so much affection it almost makes you dizzy.

“Stay with me,” he whispers as he leans in once more to kiss you gently.

“I’ll stay as long as I can. You know I can’t control it. Try and sleep.”

You kiss him on the forehead as he scoots down so his head is pressed against your chest and his ear is next to your heart.

“You won’t be here when I wake up,” he says quietly.

You’ve never heard him sound so vulnerable and it’s heartbreaking. His self imposed isolation is unnecessary but that’s something he needs to realize on his own. He’s realizing slowly that he may not need anybody else but he does need you, or at least wants you. You know for a fact that after today, nothing will be the same between you two. 

“No. . probably not,” you say into his hair and he pulls you in even closer to him. “But we seem to be getting the hang of this force connection. We can try and practice communicating through the bond on our own instead of waiting for it to happen randomly. We’re already able to sense one another without even trying to. We don’t know what else we can do through the Force. We can just. . . I guess we . . I guess we can just practice appearing in front of one another on command instead of randomly,” your voice hitches and a tear slides down your cheek at the realization that what you’re experiencing isn’t technically real, even though it feels like it. 

When you wake up you’ll be a Resistance member that’s strong in the Force and looking for Luke Skywalker. He'll be Kylo Ren, master of the Knights of Ren, the Jedi killer, and second in command to the Supreme Leader of the first order. 

Your hesitation and the tear doesn’t escape his notice of course. He pulls away from your chest slightly and looks up at you with concern. “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

The concerned look on his face only makes you want to cry harder but you manage to hold back the tears until you can cry on your by yourself. You don’t want to ruin what time you have left.

“Nothing. Go to sleep,” you smile and kiss his forehead once more before pulling his head back into your chest. He nuzzles into you as close as he can and exhales deeply and contently. You listen as his breathing slows and he slowly falls into a deep sleep. You’re exhausted but you fight sleep in order to take advantage of the rare moment of relaxed vulnerability of the man in your arms. The mighty Kylo Ren is holding onto you as if you’re the only thing keeping him anchored. There’s no frown line, no scowl, no emotionless mask. Just Ben Solo. 

You pull him as close as you can, rest your head on top of his, and close your eyes. It doesn’t take long for you to fall asleep and for the first time in a long time you sleep without having a vision of the past and he sleeps comfortably, free of nightmares.

* * *

When you wake up you’re alone and in your bed on the Falcon, just like you expected to be. It doesn’t make it suck any less though. Especially when you roll over to where Ben would have been laying, had he been on the Falcon with you, and it smells like him. Luckily you don’t have time to sit and dwell on everything that happened last night. After getting dressed Poe knocks on your door to bring you a cup of caf and to let you know you guys would be at Ahch-To soon. 

You very sleepily make your way to the cockpit with the rest of the guys and buckle yourself in without saying a word. You're going to finally see Luke and you're going to finally get answers to the million questions you have. This is what you’ve wanted since meeting Poe, answers to questions no one else knows how to answer. Yet, you aren’t excited and have a feeling things aren’t going to go as planned. This shouldn’t bother you as much as it does considering not a thing has gone as planned since the cocky Resistance pilot so rudely accosted you. 

“What’s your deal? You’re looking at your caf as if it just beat you at Dejarik,” Poe asks with a cocked eyebrow.

You didn’t realize your brow was furrowed while you stared down into the mug. “You haven’t been able to beat me at Dejarik so how the hell do you know what my face would look like?”

“Ouch. Point made. But seriously, you okay?”

Chewie and Han who are sitting in front of you, both oddly quiet. When your eyes meet Poe’s you gesture towards the pair as a silent way of asking him what their problem is but he merely shrugs. 

“I’m fine. Long night and. . and I have a feeling things aren’t going to go well when we get to Ahch-To.”

“Long night? Force stuff?” Poe wags his eyebrows at you.

You can feel your cheeks warm as they redden. “Have I told you lately that I hate you?” 

“Liar. I’m your best friend and you know it,” he smirks. Unfortunately he’s right and there’s no way to even argue.

“Only because you’re my only friend,” you grumble under your breath. Chewie turns his head towards you and opens his mouth, but you cut him off before he can say anything.

“I don’t consider you a friend Chewie so don’t growl at me. You’re family,” you say shyly looking down into your mug again. He purrs, reaches over to you, and roughly musses your hair with his large hand. 

“Hang on you two,” Han says as the Falcon breaks through Ahch-To’s atmosphere.

* * *

Ahch-To is basically an ocean planet with the occasional specks of towering islands formed by black rocks and volcanoes. Greenery caped the flanks, falling in emerald waves throughout the beautiful blue waters. It’s beautiful. You didn't know Ahch-To was a planet until recently. so you hadn’t really thought about what type of planet it would be and you definitely didn’t expect an ocean planet. Now that you think of it, you don’t think you’ve ever been to an ocean planet before which is something you hadn't realized until just now.

The Falcon banked towards one of the larger islands, slowing as it approached. A wide, flat area at the base of the island’s central mountain provided just enough room for the ship to touch down while avoiding the ocean waters. You’re headed back to your room to quickly grab your cowl and Leia’s saber when your mind starts to wander to Ben again.

Since the moment you woke up you unintentionally checked on Ben and noticed he was doing the same to you. It wasn’t enough to physically see him or hear him but it was like you were reaching out to him and non-verbally saying “You okay? How do you feel today?” After getting a sense of what he was feeling you'd back away. The light tingling at the back of your neck let you know he was doing the same thing to you periodically.

You're torn between wanting to talk to him or isolating yourself and staying away from him. Things last night were intense between the two of you. The intensity of his feelings for you was almost overwhelming. It would be flattering and you’d be overjoyed knowing how he feels about you but you’re not. The reality of your situation makes it hard to enjoy your time with him when you take a step back and see the big picture. You’re setting yourself up for pain in every sense of the word. The unsettling feeling you got the moment Ahch-To came into view is not helping either. In fact, it’s making you want to run back to your room and reach out to Ben. You have no idea why you feel this way which makes you even more uncomfortable. 

“You okay kid? I thought you’d be more excited about this,” Han asks as he lowers the Falcon’s ramp. 

“Are _you_ okay? You’ve been off since the morning. Shouldn’t _you_ be more excited about this? I mean technically Luke’s your brother. When was the last time you saw him?”

Han looks down at his feet and slides his blaster into his holster. He stares out towards the island instead of making eye contact with you. “The last time I saw him was the last time I saw Ben. I told him to take care of my son,” Han says as he walked down the ramp.

“Shit,” you and Poe say at the same time. Your head snaps to where he’s standing, a few feet behind you.

“This is going to be interesting,” he says to you as he follows after Han.

“When are things not interesting around here?” You sigh and follow them down the ramp.

In front of the ship is a steep, jungle clad incline. There are old stone steps that ascended from the base of the mountain to the top. The grooves in the stones had been worn in the front edges from the amount of people that have made the climb you were about to make, or so you assume.

“So who is coming with me?” 

Han and Chewie look away from you in favor of the ocean view. Poe tries to look just as oblivious but fails. 

“Really you guys? I’m going alone?”

“I’m too damn old to make that climb,” Han grumbles. Chewie growls his agreement.

“And you?” You snap at Poe.

“Well. . if you _really_ want me to go I will but. . don’t you guys have some sort of Force stuff to talk about? Plus, I’ve never met the guy. You have. I feel like you should talk to him alone first.”

You groan and turn your back to the three to begin the climb. “Bullshit. You just don’t want to climb these stairs,” you yell over your shoulder.

“That too!” Poe yells back.

After a loud over exaggerated huff, you start the climb. When you're half way up you stop to catch your breath and frown down at the trio waiting for you at the Falcon. They wave at you and give you a thumbs up which pisses you off even more. 

“You’re doing great sweetie!” Poe calls out to you and gives you two thumbs up from the bottom of the stairs. The back of your neck begins to tingle as you lift your hand and flip off Poe.

“I’m not your sweetie you idiot!” You yell back at him. You’re seriously considering telling the Resistance to take it deep and surrender to the First Order as long as they promise to never force you to climb a set of stairs ever again. Suddenly, you feel Ben’s temper spike and not a moment later he’s in your head and you’re in his. 

_“You’re not_ whose _sweetie?”_

You don’t need to physically see him to know he would be gritting his teeth if he was speaking to you in person. Not expecting him to speak so clearly and loudly in your head, you’re startled and almost lose your footing but catch yourself before you can tumble down the mountain side.

_“Shit Ben! Not so loud. I didn’t think it was possible to mentally yell. Why are you in my head? Don’t you have First Order things to do? Porgs to drown, villages to burn, ya know. . day to day stuff?”_

You aren’t trying to start a fight with him really. But you’re tired and irritated and he’s unfortunately the only one around, so to speak, so he’s going to be the recipient of your bad mood.

_“First of all, we don’t drown porgs. . that’s . . inhumane. Second, we don’t burn down villages daily. That’s more of a end of the week activity. I didn’t realize I was yelling considering the fact that I’m not verbally communicating with you. I wasn’t necessarily trying to reach out to you this way I just-”_

A majority of your climb is in silence, even though you can feel Ben’s lingering presence. You aren’t sure if he's planning on finishing what he has to say or if the connection between the two of you has ended. 

_“You were feeling. . you’re unhappy and irritated. I wanted to know why,"_ Ben mentally mumbles. It's unnerving how his voice and mannerisms come in crystal clear in your head. 

_“Ben Solo. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were worried about me.”_

You cover your smile with your hand as if he’s able to see it. When he's silent again, you know he's flustered. It isn’t hard to visualize his cheeks turning red all the way up to his ears. The ears he tries so hard to hide under his soft black hair. You stop walking once again when a terrifying realization washes over you. You love him whether you’ve acknowledged it verbally or internally. It doesn’t matter because the feeling is there. You haven’t stopped to consider just how strong your feelings for him are, not until right now for some reason. 

After last night you know that no matter what happens, you won't leave him. Things are going to end with him by your side or you by his. It's a matter of who's more stubborn at this point. 

_“Oh shit . . damn it. . . I’ve got it bad. I’ve got it so bad. I lo-”_

_“You’ve got what bad?”_

Your eyes widen and your mouth hangs open. Ben was being so quiet you didn’t realize he was still lingering and could hear your inner monologue. He almost heard you confess how you feel about him. 

_“Uh. nothing. . nothing at all. I have a mountain to climb and it’s hard to do when you’re in my head.”_

_“You’re climbing a mountain?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“What planet are you on?”_

_“Nice try handsome.”_

_“You found Skywalker didn’t you?”_

The tone and emotion in his voice dropped dramatically. What started out as flirty banter instantly turned into something more aggressive. His mood changed an in instant and now he's pissed off and frustrated.

_“We both know even if I did I wouldn’t tell you so why bother asking?”_

_“Where are you?”_

_“The answer to that question isn’t going to change no matter how many times you ask Ben. If you’re going to be an asshole and throw a tantrum I’m going to block you out. I’ll talk to you whenever the Force feels like it’s necessary. Try not to be an asshole next time YOU reach out to ME.”_

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, focusing on erecting your mental wall to keep him out. 

_“Wait!”_ Ben calls out suddenly. Your eyes snap open and your weakly constructed wall crumbles.

_“What Ben? I don’t want to argue with you.”_

_“...Who called you sweetie?”_ He mumbles.

_“Does your jealousy know no bounds? Who do you think? Han calls me kid, Chewie calls me Princess. Who does that leave? Now if you’re done throwing your tantrum, I have shit to do.”_

You didn’t need to block him out to end the conversation, he does it for you.

* * *

After what feels like days of climbing stairs, you finally reach a small clearing occupied by several stone huts. They look handmade and fairly primitive which is expected considering the island is seemingly uninhabited, at least at first glance. You're about to investigate the huts when you stop abruptly. There's . . something or someone to your right. Turning sharply, you head in that direction. Some distance ahead of you, at the edge of the forest, stands a man shrouded in a simple cloak and robe. His back is to you but you know who it is without seeing his face. You stop a fair distance away, you know he knows you're there. After you make no move to get closer to him, he finally turns to face you and pulls back his hood. 

Luke Skywalker.

His hair and beard is whiter than you remember and his countenance is haunted. He's been through some shit and you knew exactly what it was. He doesn’t speak and neither do you. You merely stare at one another and size each other up. The silence lasts a couple of minutes before you can't stand it anymore.

“Nice to see you too old man. I’m glad I came all the way here for you to eyeball me,” you huff and cross your arms over your chest. For some reason the way he's staring at you is making you uncomfortable. It's like he's trying to get into your head the way Ben does. It's like he knows more about you than you know about yourself and it's unsettling.

“Hmm. Seems nothing has changed much,” he huffs and turns back to the ocean.

“Only your manners apparently. I have questions for you and I’m tired so can we go down to the Falcon?”

“The Falcon?” Luke turns quickly to face you. 

“Uh yeah? Han and Chewie are down there. Poe too but I don’t think you know him. Anyways, we all need to talk to you about Leia and I have Force related questions for you. A lot of crazy shit has happened in the last five years, ya know when you ditched me and vanished. I thought you died by the way.”

“What’s wrong with Leia?”

You narrow your eyes at him. He doesn’t want to see Chewie or Han and it's obvious. There's bad blood between them because of Ben but there's something else and you can feel it. There’s something else he’s hiding and it too is related to Ben. 

“You’ll know once we’re back at the Falcon.” Before you realize what’s happening, Luke is in front of you, waves his hand, and speaks. “You will tell me what is wrong with Leia.”

You blink back at him in complete shock. The old bastard just tried to Jedi mind trick you. You’re not sure what you’re more shocked about, the fact that he tried it or the fact that it didn’t work.

“You asshole!” You yell and take a step away from him. “I just climbed the side of a damn mountain to speak to you, not to mention the hell I’ve been through these last five years thanks to you, especially this last two weeks, and the first thing you do is try to Jedi mind trick me? I should Force shove you off the side of this damn cliff for that. I would if I didn’t love Leia, Han, and B-” You snap your mouth shut before Ben’s name slips out. 

“And who?” Luke narrows his eyes at you suspiciously. 

“Screw you, old man. It was a mistake coming here. The Luke I knew briefly wouldn’t be such a damn coward and would man up and face his brother-in-law. I thought Jedi Masters had spines but I guess I was wrong,” you sneer and turn on your heels to make the arduous trek back to the Falcon. 

You’re absolutely seething the entire way down. You very nearly went through with your threat to Force push him off the cliff and if it weren’t for Leia, you might have. You shouldn’t be as angry as you are but you’re livid. After everything you’ve gone through to not only find him, but to get to him, and he tries to mind trick you. In the five minute conversation you’ve had with him you already don’t trust him. 

Whatever went down that night at the temple changed him completely. It’s understandable, it changed Ben too. The only difference is, is you know what happened to Ben, for the most part. Luke hasn’t said exactly what happened that night and maybe there’s a reason for it. Ben’s recollection of the events are quite detailed. All Luke had said to Leia about what happened was Ben tried to kill him and successfully killed the other students. You know for a fact that’s not entirely true. So what is Luke hiding?

You’re not even all the way at the bottom of the mountain but it’s evident the three of your traveling companions know you’re pissed off. Ben knows too because you feel him trying to reach out again. Not in the mood to be irritated further, you concentrate harder on keeping him out. If Ben really wants to get through to you, he's going to have to work for it.

“I take it things didn’t go well?” Poe asks carefully, knowing full well you might fling him up the Falcon’s ramp again.

“You could say that. The bastard's a god damn coward and refuses to come down here. When I told him we wanted to talk to him about Leia, he demanded I tell him up there. When I refused to tell him the old bastard tried to Jedi mind trick me!” You're pacing in front of the ramp and your hands are trembling because you're so insanely angry. So much so that you've let your guard down and don’t feel the bond open between you and Ben.

“This was a waste of god damn time. I have to go back to Leia now without her brother and without her son! She trusted me to bring them both home to her! She practically begged me to bring Ben back and he doesn’t want to! He doesn’t want to come back _with_ me or _for_ me. I didn’t get any of my questions answered. I still don’t know what the deal is with the bond between Ben and I! UGH,” you yell. The dark side is practically lapping at your heels, begging you to march back up the mountain and Force choke Luke. He may have been a Jedi Master at one point but not anymore. His little mind trick didn't work which makes you think you might be stronger than he is.

“We don’t need to go back to Leia right now and even if we did, she wouldn’t blame you for anything. Just calm down. We can-” Poe says before you interrupt him. Han and Chewie quietly observe having no desire to face your wrath.

“No! I don’t want to be calm. I’m tired of all of this! The . . the stupid war! The Resistance! The First Order! The kriffing Jedi and the dark side! All of it sucks! I didn’t ask for this. .this power! All I want is a home for the first time in my life and family and to be safe. I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to fight. I just want to be left alone!” Han, Chewie, and Poe stand by the Falcon and watch you yell, stunned by your outburst and your confession.

“And you’re stupid idiot nerfherder of a son!” you turn and point at Han as if he’s the reason Ben’s the way he is. In a way you suppose he is. “He had to literally LITERALLY fall into my life and complicate things even more than _you_ did!” You point at Poe.”He doesn’t want me. Not enough to leave the First Order. . to leave his _master_ ,” you sneer. “He doesn’t want me. It’s obvious Luke could give to shits about me. What is the damn point?” 

Suddenly a wave of calmness washes over you like a warm blanket on a cold day. You have no idea where it’s coming from but you welcome it. Sighing, you close your eyes and try to even out your breathing. It startles you when you realize how much you just said and how close to actually attacking Luke you were. Without saying a word, you turn and walk towards the beach, as far from everyone as possible.

* * *

Hours pass and the sun begins to set while you sit in the sand on the shore. Ben has tried to reach you multiple times but you’ve been able to keep him out so far. You don’t want to worry Han or Poe but you really don’t think you can face them right now. You’re embarrassed by your outburst but exhaustion and hunger increase the longer you sit there. Swallowing your pride, you stand and make the trek back to the Falcon. You’re not paying attention on your way back and end up in an unfamiliar area of the beach.

Technically the entire beach is unfamiliar but you're under the impression you were walking the way you came. Suddenly, you get a feeling. Not the same as the one you get when Ben is with you. This is. . different. It’s as if the Force is trying to show you something. You’ve never shied away from your feelings and decide to go with it. Not far from where you are, you find a small ledge that leads you to an opening in the side of the mountain, a cave. The feeling you’re getting is neither good nor bad but neutral. There’s both light and darkness within and you can’t decide whether or not it’s a good idea to enter.

Hesitantly, you take a step forward to enter the cave but stop when you hear Poe calling out to you. Over your shoulder you can see he’s waving his arms back and fourth to get your attention. After taking a step back you begin to walk towards Poe but not before glancing at the cave entrance once more.

* * *

“What the hell? You’ve been gone for hours. Han and Chewie are freaking out. What were you doing out here this whole time?” Poe says partially irritated, partially relieved to have found you. 

“Wait. . how _did_ you find me?”

“I dunno. I had a feeling you’d be over here so I followed it. Don’t change the subject. What the hell have you been doing?”

Having a feeling and following it was something you’ve done every day since you can remember. It’s what Maz and Luke told you to do when talking about the Force. Is Poe Force sensitive? 

“I’ve been here trying to talk myself out of climbing back up that stupid ass mountain and flinging that old man off the side of the cliff. Plus. . I may or may not be a little embarrassed about freaking out earlier.”

“I’m going to hug you don’t freak out,” Poe says as he pulls you into a hug. Reluctantly you hug him back and hate that it’s actually comforting. “I get why you freaked out and I’m glad you didn’t yeet the old man into the ocean. Han might understand but I don’t think Leia would. . . even if he deserves it by the sound of it. But I know there’s a lot of shit on your shoulders right now so don’t worry about it. Han and Chewie were more concerned over your vanishing act than they were about what you said.” 

“Thanks Poe,” you say into his shoulder. He gives you a small squeeze before pulling away from you and drapes his arm across your shoulders. “You hungry?”

“Of course,” you smile and walk with him back to the Falcon. You still have a feeling something isn’t right and you want to talk to someone about it but you’re not sure if Poe will care considering it’s Force related.

“Something isn’t right Poe,” you say with a furrowed brow.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s. . a feeling. Luke’s hiding something. I could tell the minute I saw him. I don’t know if it has anything to do with me or not but the way he was eyeballing me. . I dunno I just feel like there’s a lot we don’t know about and when we find out it’s going to be a big deal.”

“Well. . Maz always said to trust your feelings so you’re probably right. Maybe you _should_ have yeeted him off the cliff,” he smirks.

You can’t help but laugh at how dead serious he sounds. “Do you think it has to do with Ben?” Poe asks. The question catches you off guard. Poe never mentions Ben unless it’s something negative. 

“I _know_ it has to with Ben and probably me considering the look he was giving me.” 

“Hmm. . is that why he’s avoiding Han and Chewie?”

You stop walking and look at Poe, really look at him. Not as the cocky infuriating Resistance pilot that doesn’t know how to not flirt and smirk at you, but as the first friend you’ve ever had that was willing to kill the Resistance General's son to protect you. 

“We should slow down. There’s a lot I think you should know.”

* * *

Poe took everything quite well. You told him about the Force bond, about the visions of Ben’s past and Snoke, about your suspicion that things happened a lot differently that night at the temple than everyone thinks they did, how close you and Ben are becoming, and the things Han told you about Ben when he was younger. He walked by your side and listened to everything, only interjecting to ask a question or for clarification on something you said. No sarcastic comments, no rude remarks, just silent contemplation. 

“So. Now that you know everything. What do you think?” 

The two of you are standing next to the Falcon. Poe has both arms crossed with one hand on his chin, looking out towards the ocean. Han and Chewie are sitting far enough away that you don't have to worry about them overhearing your conversation. They're huddled around a rather large fire and cooking something that smells so good your mouth is practically watering. Normally, you don’t really care about what anyone thinks. 

“Okay so here’s what I think,” Poe pauses and makes eye contact with you. You give him a small nod, and prepare for whatever it is he's about to say.

“I think you’re disgustingly in love with Ben Solo and he’s got it just as bad as you do,” he smirks. Your eyes widen and you open your mouth to argue but he puts his hand up to stop you before you can get a word out. “I’m not done.” 

“That’s not a bad thing. I think Leia and Han are right, if anyone can bring him back home it’s you and it sounds like you’re making progress. As far as Luke goes, I think you’re right about that too. There’s something he’s keeping from everyone, even Leia. If your visions are right and Ben didn’t seem too keen on slaughtering innocent people right after the shit at the temple then maybe that’s what Luke is hiding. Have you talked to Ben about that night?”

You look down at your feet and shuffle side to side. Realistically that should have been something you addressed right away considering it was the first time you both met and you both could have killed each other. Poe sighs, “Ok well I’m going to take that as a no.”

“Whenever I bring up the past we end up arguing or trying to kill each other. Sometimes it’s nice to just. . not do those things. Shut up. Ugh. Next time I see him I’ll try and casually bring it up. I uh. .”

“You ‘uh’ what?”

“He may not know I’ve seen his past. Other than the one time he spoke with Lando on the ship when he was a kid. Otherwise. . he doesn’t know everything else I’ve seen.”

“Are you kidding me?” Poe pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t you think that’s something you should have mentioned to him?”

“No! He’s going to be angry! And like I said, we’re usually arguing about something petty. This will be . . ugh fine. I’ll bring it up next time I see him. I just know it’s going to be bad. I feel like I’ve made progress with him and if I bring up his past I’ll be taking two steps back.”

You glance over to where Han and Chewie are once Chewie howls at you to join them. 

“This conversation stays between us. I told you more than I’ve even told Han. I’ll try and talk to Ben. . soon. We need to both keep an eye on Luke though. I don’t trust him at all.”

“I feel like we’re on some sort of secret mission. Can we have a code name for it? Like. . ooooh Operation B.F.F?”

“B.F.F?” You glance at him while the two of you walk towards Han and Chewie.

“Yeah. Best Friends Forever,” he nudges you with his elbow.

Slightly chuckling, you sigh and roll your eyes. “You’re exhausting.” 

“Yeah but you know it’s true.”

“Yeah I guess it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter wasn't boring.


	11. Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben doesn't know when to shut his mouth.
> 
> Luke's about to get beat.
> 
> Poe's earning his BFF status.

* * *

_Some days you're the only thing I know  
Only thing that's burning when the nights grow cold  
Can't look away   
_ _Beg you to stay  
Sometimes you're a stranger in my bed  
Don't know if you love me or you want me dead  
Push me away then beg me to stay  
Some days you're the best thing in my life  
Sometimes when I look at you I see my wife  
Then you turn into somebody I don't know  
Call me in the morning to apologize  
Every little lie gives me butterflies  
Something in the way you're looking through my eyes  
Don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive  
Blood on my shirt  
Rose in my hand  
You're looking at me like you don't know who I am  
Heart in my hand's still beating  
Fight so dirty but your love's so sweet  
Talk so pretty but your heart's got teeth  
Late night devil put your hands on me  
And never ever let go  
  
5 Seconds of Summer - Teeth _

* * *

  
The Force doesn’t connect you and Ben for a few days after you first arrive on Ahch-To. You miss him and you know he misses you, you can feel it. But after everything with Luke you want some space and don’t intentionally reach out to him. When the Force does decide to connect you two, it's by far the most interesting experience to date.

While training on the beach by yourself, your neck begins to tingle, and the bond opens. After taking a deep breath, you slowly turn to find yourself in some sort of conference room on the Supremecy, or what you assume is the Supremacy. Ben is in his Kylo Ren costume, complete with the stupid helmet that you hate. He pauses mid-sentence while pointing at, who you think may be a high ranking member of the First Order, when he sees you. He stammers and doesn't finish whatever it is he was about to say. You chuckle and cover your smile with your hand. Hearing him stammer through the voice modulator in his mask is hilarious.

“Is everything alright commander?” An older man asks Ben nervously. Even though you can’t see Ben’s face you know he’s staring directly at you. Not being able to see his eyes makes you extremely uncomfortable. It no doubt does the same for others which is probably one of the reasons he wears it. His hands are gripping the arms of his chair tightly while his head is titled in your direction. He's trying to determine whether or not you can see or hear your surroundings like you could the last time he saw you.

“Yes commander, is everything alright?” You ask with a smile as you slowly walk around the room, examining every person sitting at the long conference table. You’re sure if you could see his face it would be devoid of color.

“Commander?” An older woman asks hesitantly.

“This meeting is over. We shall reconvene tomorrow,” Ben snaps.

“Absolutely not! The Supreme Leader requested we have a solution to this issue with the Resistance at once!” The man with the bright red hair practically yells at Ben, outraged.

“Ohhh you better watch out for this one Ben. He has 'evil villain' written _all_ over his face. Like. . he sits in a big chair and slowly spins to face you while petting a large fluffy cat as he plots your demise. That kind of evil villain,” you say while eyeing the red head. 

Ben snorts through his mask as he tries to hold back a laugh and the entire table turns and stares at him. He clears his throat and turns his head towards the red head but stays quiet.

_“You need to leave immediately.”_

“I would but I’m enjoying myself immensely. You might want to answer them. You’re silence is making even me uncomfortable.”

“With . . with all do respect, commander. General Hux has a point. The Supreme Leader has requested we resolve this issue with the Resistance immediately,” the older woman says nervously.

“Hux, huh? Hmm. . good to know. Seriously though. This one might be even more dangerous than Snoke,” you say to Ben as you back away from Hux and make your way towards him.

“Very well. Continue,” Ben says through gritted teeth. When you get to him, you sit on the arm of his chair and wrap one arm around his neck, purposely making him nervous. 

_“Stop it. I know what you’re trying to do and it won’t work.”_

“Hmm. We’ll see.”

The older woman begins to drone on about something inconsequential and you begin to zone out while also keeping your ears open for any mention of the Resistance. While one arm is wrapped around Ben's neck you lean in close to the side of Ben's helmet and try your best to sound seductive. You're not sure whether you succeed or not but it gets the desired response from Ben.

"It's too bad you have this stupid thing on right now," you lean in and press your lips against where his cheek would be and trail down gentle kisses all the way to the front of the mask where his lips should be. "This would feel a lot less awkward if I was kissing your face."

He lets out a small noise, the beginning of an irritated groan, before clearing his throat and adjusting his position in the chair he is seated on. His left hand is gripping the arm of the chair so tightly you're pretty sure his knuckles are going to rip through his gloves at any moment. His other hand is clenched in his lap since you were occupying the other arm rest. With one finger you slowly trail it down from his neck to his chest and back up again. He begins to breathing a bit heavier through the mask and adjusts his position once again.

_"Stop it!"_

"I'm not doing anything. I don't know what you're talking about," you laugh.

_"This is extremely inappropriate and_ _inconvenient_."

"Hmm so if we were alone right now you wouldn't stop me? Is that what you're saying?"

_"Yes."_ Ben turns his head towards you as he projects the message to you. 

"What the hell is your problem Ren?" Hux asks with irritation, snapping Ben's attention back to the other people in the room. 

"I was under the impression we are supposed to be discussing matters concerning the Resistance. So far every word out of your mouths has been unrelated to the Resistance and a waste of my time. Cut to the point, my patience is wearing thing."

"God you're such a dick Ben. I'm surprised someone hasn't put a hit on you or . . I don't know. . tried to smother you in your sleep or something."

_"Who says they haven't? I'm hard to kill."_

You can tell he's smirking even without seeing his face. "HA. Tell that to Poe. He must have missed the memo." 

“The weapon is ready and we have intel that suggests an important member of the Resistance, as well as a large group of Resistance members, may be located in the Hosnian System. The planet Takodana to be specific but we have yet to confirm that information,” Hux’s words tear your attention away from Ben and to what Hux is saying. Sitting up a bit straighter, you remove your arm from Ben completely. Your actions confirm what Hux has discovered is true but he’s not quite sure yet what he wants to do with that information.

“I believe we should test the weapon, starting with Takodana. We should have information on the location of the Resistance's base soon. At the moment we believe it may also be in the Hosnian System. If that's the case I am going to suggest we use the weapon on the system all together. It will send a message to any and all Resistance supporters. You’re familiar with that planet are you not commander?” Hux asks with a gleam in his eye.

“Maz,” you whisper and move away from Ben.

Ben turns his head towards you and stares at you longer than he should considering the men and women around the table can’t see what he’s looking at or why he’s ignoring Hux again. You don’t say a word but return his stare. He doesn’t need to communicate with you to know what you you’re thinking or what you want to say.

“Do you agree that this is the best course of action?” Hux asks Ben when he continues to ignore him. 

“Ben. . . please don’t do this,” you whisper to him with tears in your eyes. He slowly turns away from you and diverts his attention back to the people around the table. 

“We will wait and see what information we receive from your spy before taking any further action,” Ben says carefully. The irritation and frustration in his voice is evident even through the mask. Ben’s head slowly turns back towards you again as if he's asking you if his answer is sufficient, at least for now. 

Hux’s face contorts into a mask of fury momentarily before relaxing and smirking. “Your hesitation doesn’t have anything to do with the pathetic smuggler girl you’ve been chasing around does it Ren? I believe Snoke-” Ben’s head whips towards Hux and his hand shoots out in his direction. Hux is lifted from his seat and both his hands fly to his throat, trying to pry the invisible vice that's tightening around his throat and blocking his airway.

Ben continues to Force choke Hux as he speaks. "My decision is final. The girl is none of your concern. I will discuss this matter further with the Supreme Leader," Ben says before throwing him against the wall with a final jerk of his hand.

“Anything else?” Ben asks as he turns to address the rest of the table. 

“No sir,” they say in unison.

“Good. We’ll continue this meeting once I’ve spoken with the Supreme Leader." 

They all knew it was a dismissal and quickly left the room without a second glance at Hux.

“You two. Leave as well and take him with you,” Ben says to two stormtroopers that are hovering by the entrance to the conference room while gesturing towards Hux. Obediently, the two troopers grab Hux under the arms and carry him out of the room. Once the doors shut behind them, Ben turns to face you. 

“I-”

“I’m not talking to you while you’re wearing that stupid thing on your head so take it off,” you snap at him. 

You hear him sigh as he reaches up to the back of his helmet to unclasp it. With a hiss, the mask opens and he removes it from his head. After placing it on the table in front of it, he runs a hand through his hair before moving closer to you. He opens his mouth to speak but you cut him off.

“Takodana? You’re going to let them blow up Takodana? All those people. . Maz?” You ask as you take a step away from him.

He bites the inside of his cheek, frustrated and conflicted. If Snoke agrees with Hux, there’s no way for him to stop them from destroying Takodana, or any other planet for that matter. At least not without raising suspicions about his loyalty. 

“What do you expect me to do? Have you forgotten my position? Have you forgotten where I stand in this war? Have you forgotten where _we_ stand in this war?” Ben asks with irritation. 

“Yeah. . I guess I did. . thanks for reminding me,” you say quietly without breaking eye contact with him.

“What do you plan to do with the information you overheard?” Ben asks as he takes a step closer to you.

“What do you think I’m going to do Ben? Sit around and watch as you kill everyone on Takodana? I’m going to tell Leia or Maz. . someone! Anyone that can evacuate the planet before you destroy it. If I could I’d evacuate the entire Hosnian system but the chances of that happening are slim. Either way, I’m contacting your mother.” 

Ben’s jaw tenses but he merely nods while taking yet another step towards you. You're not expecting him to nod and accept the fact that you intended to tip off the Resistance.

“That’s it? That’s okay with you? You’re not going to argue with me or . . or try and stop me somehow?”

“If I wanted to stop you, how could I?” Ben asks as he reaches out to you.

He slowly raises one hand and places it at the back of your neck while the other hand travels to your lower back. When you don’t pull back or push him away, he pulls you closer to him and looks into your eyes, scanning your face for any indication that you're not okay with his proximity. When he sees none, he leans down and gently places his lips against yours. You know you should pull away. You just heard him nonchalantly discuss blowing up an entire planet, but you can’t. Not with your body pressed so tightly against his and not with his lips so carefully moving against yours. The kiss quickly goes from sweet to passionate within seconds. Ben is the first to pull away but when he does, he doesn’t go far. He presses his forehead against yours and closes his eyes while trying to catch his breath. The two of you are breathing heavily and in tandem while pressed up against each other. One hand stays on your neck and the other caresses your cheek. 

“I don’t understand,” you whisper. 

“What don’t you understand sweetheart?” Ben whispers back. He kisses the side of your mouth before trailing small kisses down your face until he reaches the crook of your neck. Once there, he rests his face against it and breathes you in while awaiting your response.

“I don’t understand _you_ , any of this. I’m so confused Ben,” you sigh. Your voice is thick with emotion which causes him to pull away from you just enough to look at your face while you speak. He gently massages the the back of your neck with the hand that's still resting there while looking into your eyes.

“You’ve made it clear you don’t want to turn your back on the First Order, and you don’t want to come back to your mother with me. You don’t want to follow Snoke’s orders and you don’t want to go along with what the First Order has planned. So what exactly do you want?”

His eyes search yours and he clenches his jaw. “I want. .” he pauses and presses his forehead to yours again. “I want you,” he whispers.

Your heart feels like it's going to beat out of your chest while simultaneously feeling like it's dropped into your stomach. “And you can have me. . but not like this. It won’t work like this.”

“Why can’t you just be happy with what we have right now? Why do you have to bring up the First Order or the Resistance whenever we’re together?” He huffs. He's starting to get irritated with you but he doesn’t want to argue, he doesn’t want you to go away.

“Happy with what? The Force randomly connecting us for short periods of time? Me worrying you’re going to overhear vital information about the Resistance that can be used against them. You can't say you're not worried about the same thing.”

“I’m not worried about that. You wouldn’t do anything if it could possibly cause me harm.”

“I wish I could say the same,” you sigh and break eye contact with him. He pulls back a bit but doesn’t release you. Your statement hurt him more than you expected it would. It wasn’t your intention.

“Is that really what you think? You really think I would hurt you?”

“Ben do you know where I’m at right now?” When he does’t respond you continue. “How do you know I’m not on Takodana?” He tenses and adjusts his posture so he's no longer leaning down towards you. “What if I hadn’t overheard what was said?”

“But you’re not there.”

“No but that’s not the point. What if I’m in the Hosnian system and Snoke decides to test his new toy on it?”

“Then I would advise you to avoid both Takodana and the Hosnian system as a whole. I-”

“You’re missing the point!” You cut him off and give him a small shove which causes him to take a step back. He's irritated with himself for not realizing the possibility that you could very well be on one of the planets the First Order was planning to destroy in an effort to flush out the Resistance. The thought of being responsible for his parents deaths has crossed his mind but he tries not to think about it, not unless he has to but he hasn’t thought about your death. He doesn’t want to.

What you said hit a nerve and finally gets through to him. His anxiety is slowly climbing and his thoughts are racing so quickly you can’t pick up on one or another. Sighing, you take a step closer to him and grab his face in your hands, forcing him to look down towards you. He places his hands over yours and looks into your eyes.

“When you kiss me, when I kiss you, it feels real but in a way it’s not. I’m not really here and you’re not really with me. If you like kissing me now, can you imagine kissing me for real? Waking up next to each other every morning . . we could have that. Please just leave all this shit behind.”

“Why can’t you come to me? Why does your side have to be the ‘right’ side? You could easily join me here and rule the galaxy by my side. You’re acting like I’m the selfish one when you’re equally as selfish.”

“Is that what you really want? You really want me to fly to you, join you on your ship or base, introduce myself to Snoke, and join the dark side? Look me in the eyes and tell me that that's _really truly_ what you want. If it is I’ll find a ship right now and go to you.”

Ben says nothing but maintains eye contact with you. “You have feelings for me which goes without saying. If I joined the dark side, joined Snoke, and the First Order. . I wouldn’t be _me_ anymore. The person standing in front of you right now would be gone. I've killed people before but it was in self defense. Standing by and watching as planets and entire systems are destroyed would change me. Would you want me if I was a completely different person? If I wasn’t _me_ anymore, would you still feel as strongly for me as you do now?”

“Yes,” Ben says without hesitation. He leans into your touch and closes his eyes. He knows you’re right but he doesn’t know what to do about it. He’s just as confused as you are.

“What do you want Ben? What’s keeping you here? From where I stand it looks like you have a lot more to lose by staying here than you do by coming to me, being with me. What aren’t you telling me? There has to be something else, something I don’t know about.”

“I’m. . I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve done. . I’ve done terrible things. I’m not a good person. My place is here,” he says as he moves his hands from on top of yours to your wrists to pull your hands away from his face gently.

“Is this because of what happened with Tai and the grey haired woman? Ben that wasn’t your fault. It was-”

You don't realize what you've said until you see the look on his face change within an instant. The tension in the room spikes and so does his anger, embarrassment, and fear. He takes a step even closer to you and squeezes your wrists a bit harder than necessary. 

“What did you say?” He asks you through gritted teeth. His voice is suddenly very angry and aggressive.

“I. . I know what happened with Tai and the grey haired woman. . I think he called her Voe. . and I know about Ren. I saw it all. It wasn’t your-”

“What did you see? What do you _think_ you saw?” Ben says menacingly while squeezing your wrists a bit tighter. It's extremely uncomfortable but not painful, not yet anyways.

“I saw it all. The other Jedi attacking you after the temple exploded. I saw Tai, Voe, and the other Jedi chasing after you. I saw Tai trying to talk you into staying and Ren lying about sparing the miners. Ren-” you pause and swallow thickly, remembering the sound Tai’s neck made when Ren snapped it. You must have unintentionally projected it to Ben because his grip tightens enough to hurt and he jerks you closer to him. He says nothing when his grip tightens which makes you more uncomfortable than if he had spoken to you.

“It wasn’t your fault. . none of it was. . It was Snoke. . Ben. . no one blames you for-”

“Shut up!” Ben yells and shakes you by your wrists hard enough to make your teeth rattle. “Stop talking!”

Your lip begins to tremble as tears form in your eyes while you stare back at Kylo Ren. You know how the conversation is going to end and you have no intention of reaching out to him again after this so you might as well say what you need to say.

“You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone. I’ve always been with you,” you whisper as a tear falls down your cheek. The sight causes his grip to loosen slightly, but not enough to lessen the sting of his leather clad grip. “I felt it when you embraced the dark side, when you killed Ren. I know how you felt during everything. You felt like you had no choice. . but you did. . . you do.”

He stares at you wordlessly for a moment before his grip tightens again, causing you to flinch. 

“I do have a choice,” he says quietly and full of anger while staring into your eyes. For the first time since knowing him, you're actually afraid of him. “And I’ve made it.”

“You’re scaring me,” you whisper. 

His grip loosens fractionally when he leans next to your ear and nuzzles your cheek somewhat affectionately before whispering, “Good. You should be scared of me.”

When he sees the look on your face he immediately regrets what he's said. The tears are freely falling down your cheeks and you wince every time he moves due to the grip he has on your wrists. He can feel you’re legitimately afraid of him and that hurts him more than anything else he’s experienced. He opens his mouth to speak but before he can, the door behind him opens. Reflexively he drops your hands and his head snaps to the door. “Comman-”

Using the Force, Ben slams the door shut before the stormtrooper can get a word out. He quickly diverts his attention back to you, ready to beg for forgiveness, but when he turns back to you you’re gone.

* * *

When Ben’s attention is diverted to the door of the conference room, you close your eyes and focus on closing the connection. To your surprise, it works without much effort. When you open your eyes you're back on the beach where you had originally been before the connection between the two of you was opened. You wince when you move your wrist a certain way and it stings. When you raise them to get a better look at them there is a thick red ring around each wrist. You’re afraid they’ll bruise and intend to try healing yourself later while in your bed on the Falcon. Right now the only thing you want to do is cry and punch something. You’re not sure in which order.

You hadn't meant to mention what you knew about Tai and what happened with Ren. At least not at that moment, not like that. It slipped out but you’re not sure it matters. Either way you knew Ben’s reaction would be the same once he realized just how much of his past you’ve seen. The only thing that remains a mystery is what happened that night at the temple and you're no closer to getting an answer to that question.

As expected, the mention of his past drives a wedge between the two of you and now any progress you've made with him is gone. Not only that, but he genuinely scared you a little and hurt you. Although you thought the latter was unintentional, it doesn’t necessarily excuse his reaction. The look on his face right before you ended the connection proved he realized he had drastically overreacted but it was too late, what’s done is done. You’re planning on working harder than before to keep Ben out of your head and, if possible, prevent the Force from connecting the two of you. In the meantime, you had far more important things to deal with than Ben and his decisions. You need to contact Leia as soon as possible and let her know what you learned while with Ben. 

* * *

Han and Chewie are no where to be found once you arrive at the Falcon but Poe is there. Without going into detail you tell Poe what you've discovered while connected to Ben. Before you even finish telling him everything that happened, he's rushing you into the cockpit and contacts Leia through a secure line. While waiting for Leia to respond, he continuously glances at you from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t want to talk about it Poe,” you sigh. “Just. . just know I brought up what I had seen of his past and it went as well as I expected it to. I don’t plan on speaking with him again. I’m sure the Force has other plans in mind but I’m going to keep him out if possible.”

“That bad huh?”

You nod but don’t give him any more details. Thankfully, Leia’s holo appears in front of you before Poe asks anything else. Leia knows there’s something wrong before you say a word. You’re not sure what it is about her but the moment you see her you feel like crying and telling her everything that's happened between you and Ben since seeing her last. Poe must have sensed it because he speaks for you.

“General, are you alone? What we need to discuss is a . . . _family_ matter,” Poe says to her carefully. Leia nods and turns to dismiss whoever else happens to be in the room with her. When she's finally alone she turns back to you and Poe.

“What happened?” 

Poe glances to you for permission to speak on your behalf, when you don’t answer he takes that as the go ahead to proceed.

“We have some information on what the First Order is planning next.” 

Leia glances from Poe to you. “And how did you get this information? Is it from a credible source?” Leia continues to stare back at you even though she's somewhat directing her question at Poe. Breaking eye contact with her, you stare down at your feet like they're the most interesting thing you've ever seen in your entire life.

“It’s a credible source General,” Poe says while trying to signal to Leia that it's a touchy subject. Leia gives him a small nod of understanding and doesn't pry further. 

“What did you find out Poe?”

“The First Order is testing a new weapon. . it’s powerful enough to destroy entire planets. . entire systems. Like the Death Star but more powerful. They’re going to test it on Takodana first and possibly the entire Hosnian system.”

“What?” Leia asked somewhat breathlessly in disbelief. 

“Are you positive?” 

“Yes,” you say quietly without making eye contact with her. 

“I can try and contact Maz and see if she can somehow plan a planet wide evacuation as soon as possible. The Hosnian System though. . there’s no way we can evacuate an entire system.”

“I know,” you say just as quietly as before. “Please just. . make sure Maz is okay and do what you can for everyone else.” 

“Do you think we’re safe here?”

“I don’t know Leia. Takodana is for sure their next stop. Hosnian Prime was a suggestion. I don’t know anything else and I doubt I'll be getting anymore information any time soon.”

She knew you received the information from Ben somehow and she desperately wanted to ask questions but she could tell just how badly you didn't want to talk about him.

“Did you find Luke?”

Poe closes his eyes and sighs. This is your queue to leave because you have no intention of not only giving her the news about Takodana, but also telling her you've failed with Luke so far. 

“Sorry Leia but I don’t feel well,” you lie to her holo. “Poe will fill you in.” He makes eye contact with you and nods to let you know he understands and doesn’t mind. You quickly exit the cockpit and head to your room, ready to put the day behind you.

* * *

Luke makes an appearance after over a week on Ahch-To. You’re not sure what was said or what happened but you have a feeling Han and Chewie had spoken with him. They still kept their distance from each other but the fact that they were within a yard of one another suggests they had at least communicated.

While exploring the island, you and Poe find a large clearing in the middle of a forested area and use it to start 'training' together. It started under the pretense of _him_ showing _you_ how to fight but it ends up being the other way around. To your surprise, you know a lot more about fighting than he does. His fighting style is more ‘bar-fight-every-man-for-himself’ where as yours is more fluid and more natural, albeit more aggressive. Poe asks you again where you learned how to fight and again, you don’t have a definitive answer for him.

Both of you are good shots when it comes to blasters so you decide to teach him another way to fight, with a lightsaber. At first he's hesitant, something about it being a Jedi weapon and he’s not Force sensitive and it doesn’t feel right, etc. So the two of you practice with sticks for a bit. When you're sure Poe has the basics down you hand him Leia’s saber and show him how it works. He may not feel comfortable using one as a regular weapon, nor does he have access to one, but should he need to use yours he now knows how to.

The more time you spend with Poe the more convinced you are that he's Force sensitive and doesn't realize it yet. Based on what you’ve heard about his instincts and his ability to pilot a ship better than anyone, it would make sense if he is Force sensitive and uses that to his advantage when piloting, even if he doesn’t realize it. The way he swings the lightsaber isn’t perfect because he's not used to it but it looks right, like he was born to wield one. Poe still isn’t quite comfortable with the Force and all that comes with it so you haven’t said anything. It's definitely not the right time. Poe’s annoying but he’s not an idiot and eventually he’ll figure it out.

“I’m going to sit on this rock and watch you move,” Poe says as the two of you enter the clearing. You glanced over your shoulder at Poe questionably. “That sounded a lot creepier than I meant it to.”

Laughing, you turn your back to Poe and get back into a fighting stance with your lightsaber ignited. You spin the saber in your hand several times, twirling the blade in circles on your left side before rotating it and spinning it in circles on your right side. After a series of attacks and imaginary blocks, you somewhat zone out. For a few minutes it's just you and your imaginary opponent. You aren’t fighting anyone in particular but it's like your body didn’t get the memo. It's like muscle memory, like your mind and body have been through battle before and is showing you exactly how much your capable of. Your senses are heightened and every swing of your lightsaber is with the intent of harming or killing your opponent.

You snap out of your trance when you feel the bond open between you and Ben start to flicker to life. The hilt of your lightsaber is raised eye level as you extend it straight out in front of you with your elbow bent slightly as if it were the scope on a large blaster. When you open your eyes the saber is pointed directly at Ben, an inch away from his throat. His eyes widen but he doesn’t break eye contact with you. You're breathing heavily while you stare back at him, unsure whether or not you're happy to see him.

Poe noticed your posture change and how intensely you were seemingly staring at nothing. He knows there's something happening that he can’t see and decides to stay quiet out of fear you’d point the saber at him next.

Ben opens his mouth to speak, glancing between you and the lightsaber you're showing no signs of lowering. A voice rings out from behind you before either one of you have a chance to communicate.

“Where did you learn to fight like that?” Luke asks. His tone is dripping with suspicion. Ben’s body language changes drastically in an instant. Before Luke arrived he looked guilty, sad, and regretful. The moment Luke opens his mouth his demeanor became aggressive and defensive, the way it had the last time the two of you had spoken. Breathing heavily, you slowly lower the lightsaber and deactivate it. When Ben begins to take a step towards Luke you step in between them and stare at him.

_“Stop it right now.”_

Ben tears his glare from Luke and directs it at you. He’s breathing heavily through his nose as his anger slowly climbs.

_“No one can see you and we don’t know what will happen if they do. Stop it. You’ll be leaving soon anyways.”_

“I want to talk to you.”

_“I don’t want to talk to you. You’ve said enough. There’s nothing left to talk about. You made your point last time.”_

“Please listen to-”

“You okay?” Poe asks loudly to get your attention. He looks at you knowingly before looking back towards Luke who is still staring at you suspiciously. Poe may not be able to see Ben but he knows enough based off what you told him to assume the two of you were communicating somehow. Luke knows something is up with you but he has no idea what it is.

“Yeah just tired.”

“Where did you learn to fight like that?” Luke repeats when you seemingly ignore him.

“I don’t know,” you sigh and take your eyes off of Ben to address Luke directly.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Did I stutter? I said I don’t know how I know I just do. I’ve known how to fight and use a lightsaber since you found me and upended my life. Maybe before then I don’t remember. No one taught me.” 

Luke’s suspicious stare melts away slightly and gives way to something else. 

“He’s afraid of you.” Ben sneers with disdain and crosses his arms. You unintentionally turn your head towards Ben to address him. 

“ _Why would he be afraid of me?”_

“Why don’t you ask him? You’re the one traveling throughout the galaxy to find him. How is that working out for you so far? Are you getting all of your questions answered? It seems like Dameron is benefiting the most from this trip than anyone.”

_“Are you here to purposely piss me off more? Because you’re doing a great job at it. I’ve managed to keep you out of my head for a week. I guess I’ll have to work harder at keeping it up.”_

The cocky sneer Ben had melts away when he sighs and uncrosses his arms.

“I-”

Poe cleared his throat loudly. When your eyes meet his, he glances towards Luke then back to you to remind you that you have another spectator other than himself.

“I’m so kriffinging sick of being interrupted!” Ben yells out loud for your ears only.

“What do you want Luke? Why does it matter where I learned to fight and why do you care?” you ask as you hook your saber hilt to your belt and cross your arms. 

“Because I’ve only seen one other person fight like that. He was like you in many ways down to your lack of respect for others.”

“Oh really? Sounds like him and I would get along splendidly. You have so many friends on this island I’m surprised I haven’t met him yet. Can I have his name in case he doesn’t introduce himself, ya know, since he lacks respect for others,” you sneer at him in a very familiar manner which only unsettles Luke further.

“His name was Ben Solo but you probably know him as Kylo Ren. Something tells me you two are already acquainted,” Luke says while gauging your reaction. He stares at you for a moment before turning to walk away. 

“Is that really such a bad thing? For me to be like Ben Solo. From what I’ve been told he wasn’t a bad kid. At least-”

“At least until he tried to kill me? Until he killed his fellow Jedi’s in training at the temple without mercy? Until he started hunting down Force users one by one for his _master_? Until he became one of the commanders of the First Order?” Luke turns and makes his way towards you angrily. You hold your ground and maintain eye contact with him as he strides towards you.

Poe jumps up from his rock and approaches you from the side, stopping once he's directly to your right, Ben approaches you on the left. Ben may have frightened you the last time the two of you had argued but the look on his face now is nothing like it was when you last saw him. The look on his face made it clear he would like nothing more than to kill his uncle right where he stands and if he was physically with you he might try. The rage he's feeling is so thick and strong it practically takes your breath away.

You try not to glance at him since Luke is standing a stones throw away and studying your every move but it's hard not to when you feel such a malevolent force directly next to you. He's breathing heavily and his shoulders are rising and falling with every breath he takes. You're a little afraid that at any moment Ben might say “Screw the Force” and lunge at his uncle. As if your body knows he needs to be protected in some way, you slowly take a step to your left until you're standing directly in front of Ben. 

“Really? You’re going to protect him? We don’t even know if I can touch him even though I’d _love_ to find out if I can,” Ben sneers at you from behind.

_“No Jackass. I’m not protecting him from you I’m protecting you. I almost flung him off a cliff using the Force last time I saw him. I could care less about him right now.”_

“You what?” Ben asks with disbelief as his anger slowly starts to melt away.

_“It’s a long story and as you can see I’m busy.”_

Even though you're staring at Luke you aren’t really paying attention to him, not while Ben's speaking anyways. 

“Okay I think you should calm down and take a step back. Obviously we’ve hit a sensitive topic for both of you. We wouldn’t want to say or _do_ anything we might regret so let's all calm down,” Poe says to Luke. 

"We? And who are you exactly? What makes you think you're needed here?" Luke asks Poe. That pisses Poe off and now Poe is almost equally as angry as Ben. Since Poe _can_ actually lunge at Luke, you do your best to steer the conversation away from him. The whole ordeal is starting to give you a headache. 

“What are you lying about Luke? You’re keeping something from me. . from all of us. What is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Bullshit. You’re lying. I don’t need to be a ‘Jedi’ to figure that out.”

“Is that why you’re here? Because you want to be a Jedi?” Luke chuckles condescendingly.

“Me? A Jedi? Screw that. Hard pass.”

Your answer leaves Luke speechless. Apparently that isn’t what he was expecting you to say. 

“I thought you were here for training.”

“Uh yeah no. If I wanted training I would find someone else to do it. As you can see I’ve done pretty well on my own so far. I came on behalf of Leia, which I told you already. Maybe you forgot because you were too busy trying to Jedi mind trick me!” You yell as your temper spikes once you remember your last encounter with him.

“HE WHAT?” Ben yells and takes a step towards Luke.

You quickly take another step to block his path. Your back is now flush against his front which sends a shiver down your spine from the proximity. You're not sure whether or not Ben had the same reaction but touching him relaxes him enough to keep him from rushing his uncle, even if it may not actually be possible. 

Again, Luke eyes you suspiciously. He's trying extremely hard to figure out what is going on with you. “There’s something _you’re_ hiding isn’t there? Kind of hypocritical don’t you think?”

“How _dare_ you call me a hypocrite you coward!” You yell and take a step towards Luke. Poe steps in front of you and at the same time Ben places his hand on your hip to keep you in place. You glance over your shoulder at him and meet his eyes before turning your attention back to Luke. 

“It’s true then. . isn’t it. . you-”

“What the hell is going on here?” Han yells as he enters the clearing with the rest of you with Chewie trailing close behind him.

You narrow your eyes at Luke, waiting to see what half-assed excuse he'll give Han. When he doesn’t respond quick enough for your liking, you respond for him.

“Oh nothing. Luke was pointing out how similar my fighting style is to Ben’s and how similar I am to Ben in general. Apparently that’s a bad thing. Isn’t it Luke?” You say with the biggest smile you can muster, knowing how Han will react to that.

“What’s wrong with her being like Ben? Is there something you’d like to say to me about my son Skywalker? If so, you better get it off your chest now while Leia isn’t here to interfere,” Han says angrily.

“Honestly Han I think _you’d_ have to hold _her_ back if she heard anyone say anything bad about Ben,” Poe mumbles under his breath. You smirk at Poe and glance back at Ben who's staring at Poe with his head titled like a confused puppy. Ben starts projecting his thoughts without realizing it.

_“He called me Ben and not Kylo Ren or Ren. He didn’t say it with disdain either. . why? It sounds like he’s even sticking up for me in a way. Why would he do that? He hates me and he’s in love with her I know he is, he has to be. Would my mother really be upset with my uncle if he were to speak poorly of me? Why is my father so upset?”_

_“BECAUSE WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU IDIOT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT!”_

You turn to face him and yell at him through the bond. Startled, he jumps about a foot off the ground then scowls at you for startling him. Han and Luke begin arguing back and fourth while you glare at Ben. Poe glances between you and the two older men arguing. Chewie stands next to Poe, silently observing what's going on like he is. Every now and then Chewie would let out a growl or two to show his agreement over something Han says.

“Sweetheart, I want to talk about what-”

“Hey guys I think you should calm-” 

“How dare you even utter Ben’s-”

“How are you still defending him after-”

“ARGHHH”

Everyone arguing or speaking at once was starting to stress you out and you had enough of it.

“ENOUGH!!” You yell loud enough to startle everyone, including every animal within earshot. 

“You,” you point at Poe. “You’re perfect don’t change.” He smirks and crosses his arms smugly. Ben huffs behind you and his jealousy and irritation rise.

“You,” you point at Han. “I agree with everything you’re saying and you know I do but there’s no point in arguing with him. His opinion on Ben isn’t going to change.”

“You,” you point at Chewie. “You’re also perfect.” Chewie grunts appreciatively under is breath and Han and Luke both roll their eyes.

“You,” you point at Luke and frown. “No one here cares about what you think of Ben or what you have to say about him. You don’t have the slightest idea what’s happened in the past few weeks. Your last interaction with him compared to our last interaction is vastly different. There’s nothing you can say that would change our opinion of him. I know a LOT more than you think I do. I think I may know more than you actually, at least when it comes to Ben. We all do. I would have been happy to explain-”

“Don't-” Ben starts to interject.

He doesn’t want anyone to know about your bond and the visions you’ve had. He has no idea Poe, Han, and Leia already know a majority of what you've seen so far and you don't intend to tell him any time soon because of how you know he'll react.

"You've seen Ben recently? You've talked to him?" Luke asks Han with disbelief. 

“I would have been happy to explain,” you continued as if both Luke and Ben hadn’t interrupted you. “If you weren’t such a damn coward stuck in his ways and hiding out on some backwater planet like-”

Ben unintentionally gives your hip a squeeze as if it would make you finish your sentence. You’re not sure what he would do if he knew what planet you guys were on at this point and you're not willing to take any chances.

You turn to face Ben again. _“And you,”_ you sigh and look away from him. _“I don’t want to talk to you. Not only did you physically hurt me but for the first time since I’ve met you, you scared me. I don’t want to argue with you about anything anymore. You’ve made it clear you’ve made up your mind and I’ve made up mine. Just go Ben.”_ The hurt and panic he feels at your words nearly makes you retract them.

_“If you hate me so much why are you defending me?”_

_“I don’t hate you I l-”_ Your eyes dart to his to see if he had heard what you almost admitted. The shocked look on his face told you everything you needed to know. 

“I don’t know what’s happened or is _happenin_ g between you and Ben, but it won’t work. He’s too far gone. He’s a monster,” Luke says while staring directly at you. 

“You don’t know him like I do. He’s not a monster," you say over your shoulder to Luke. Ben places his finger under your chin and directs your head towards him so you're looking directly into his eyes.

“Yes I am,” he mutters before disappearing.


	12. Dark Side of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our baby boy Ben gets a wake up call from an unlikely source as well as an unfamiliar face. Good boy Ben Solo is about to make an appearance.

* * *

  
_"I gave my everything for all the wrong things  
_ _In this cold reality I made this selfish war machine  
_ _Oh, this has become hell  
_ _How can I share this life with someone else?  
_ _I promise you there is no weight that can bury us beneath the ghosts of all my guilt  
_ _Here in the dark side of me"_

_Coheed & Cambria - Dark Side of Me_

* * *

Ben's life has always been complicated and by the look of things, that wasn't going to change any time soon. He's made horrible decisions and has done horrible things and he's prepared to suffer the consequences. Whether those consequences mean suffering through physical pain or consistent nightmares, it's what he deserves. His past never used to bother him but as each day passes, the more regret he feels over his actions. Instead of driving himself crazy over things he can't change, he used to chose to focus on his destiny, to finish what his grandfather started.

Then you came and changed everything. The path that follows in his grandfathers footsteps was the only thing that mattered to him until recently. The more he’s around you, the less the idea appeals to him. If what you told him was true, and you really did feel him embrace the dark side, then he really hasn’t ever been alone and knowing that makes the light push away the dark, at least a little bit.

Even though he’s used to ‘training’ with Snoke and meetings with Hux, this last week has been the hardest week he’s had in a while and of course it’s because of you. He’s sure Snoke has sensed a change in him but he has yet to say or do anything that would openly imply it and that has Ben on edge.

He tried his best to stall the destruction of Takodana without raising suspicion. Again, he’s not sure whether or not Snoke sensed his true motives. Either way it didn’t matter, Takodana was destroyed. Ben tried to reach out to you to ensure you weren’t anywhere near the planet before it was destroyed but you were still shutting him out. He was able to sense how you were feeling at least. After Takodana was destroyed, you were upset but not nearly as upset as you’d be if Maz had been on the planet which meant you managed to warn her in time.

‘Training’ with Snoke had increased in frequency resulting in him being bruised and bloody every couple of days. He was used to going to bed in pain on training days but after having you care for him the last time, the pain was worse than ever. He now knows what it’s like to be taken care of by you and any type of wound care he performs on himself doesn't feel sufficient.

After one particularly rough session with Snoke, Ben barely managed to stay upright after he's dismissed. The moment the door to the throne room closed behind him, his leg gave out and he fell to his knees. The pain took his breath away. 

He was overly aware how publicly exposed he was. Showing weakness in front of his subordinates was dangerous. No one dared oppose him out of fear of his wrath. Knowing he’s as weak as everyone else could paint a target on his back, bigger than the one that is usually there. His right arm was on fire, which made putting his helmet on extremely difficult and painful but he needed to cover his face before anyone saw him. 

Still on his knees, he winced as he tried to lift the helmet over his head with one hand. Before he could clasp it, he lost his grip and it fell to the ground. With a loud thud, the helmet rolled down the corridor and out of his reach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before trying to get to his feet. Before he could stand, the tall chrome stormtrooper turned the corner and froze when she saw her commander, bruised, bleeding, and mask-less on his knees in the middle of the corridor. Ben closed his eyes and sighed. His helmet was conveniently on the ground directly at her feet. He wasn’t sure what to expect from Phasma. She had always respected him and followed his orders but whose to say whether or not that would change once she sees how weak he is. 

He puts his hands down in front of him and tries to push himself into a standing position again. His eyes are trained to the ground when he hears the sound of her boots against the floor as she approaches him. He’s not sure whether he should be prepared to defend himself or not but he’s too tired to fight back. Unexpectedly, he’s being lifted off the ground from under his arms, and set on his feet. His eyes widen and he turns to look at her. She leans him against the wall, gently places his helmet on his head, and clasps it closed. Ben can do nothing but gawk at her as she helps him with his helmet. 

“Stop looking at me like that Ren,” she says gruffly through her helmet. “Can you walk?”

“Slowly, but yes,” Ben says through his voice modulator. His voice doesn’t sound as strained behind his mask but it still doesn’t sound as strong and commanding as usual. 

“Let’s go then,” Phasma says as she gestures down the corridor with her head.

Ben starts walking towards his quarter with Phasma to his left. She's keeping pace with him so his slow pace doesn’t draw attention. When the halls are nearly empty, Ben decides it’s safe to speak to her without being overheard.

“Why are you helping me?”

“Because you’re my commander and showing weakness in front of anyone is dangerous.”

“You’re helping me because I’m your commander? So you’d help Hux if he was the one bleeding in the hallway?”

Phasma snorted to hide back a laugh and the sound was evident even through her helmet. The reaction took Ben off guard and his steps faltered for a minute. This was the most human Phasma has ever been around him in the time he’s been with the First Order. It was a nice change. Between the stormtroopers and the officers surrounding him, he rarely felt like he was surrounded by people. Most days it felt like he was surrounded by droids. 

When they reached the door to his quarters, Phasma stops him before he could enter . “May I speak candidly sir?” Phasma asks after looking around to make sure there was no one around to overhear what she was about to say.

“I thought you already were?” Phasma ignored Ben's attitude and continued. 

“With all do respect sir. You don’t belong here.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve never belonged here. You have a place in the galaxy. You have family and you have choices. You’re still young, too young for the path you’re on. I’ve noticed a change in you since Snoke sent you after the girl. If I’ve noticed, Hux definitely has and it’s only a matter a time before the Supreme Leader does. Get out while you can.”

Ben was completely shocked not only by how candidly Phasma was speaking but by what she was saying. Was it that obvious his feelings towards the First Order and the dark side have changed since meeting you? She’s right, if even she can see a change in him it’s not going to take long for everyone else to and he’ll be as good as dead if it comes to that. 

“And what about you. What place do you have in all of this?” Ben asks once he’s able to find his voice again.

“I have no family and I made my choice a long time ago. There’s no going back for me. I’ll remain loyal to the First Order until the end.”

“And you consider telling your commander to turn his back on the First Order an act of loyalty?”

“In a way, yes. I’d rather follow a commander that has his mind set on which side he’s on without conflict or regret.”

“I-”

“Goodnight commander,” Phasma said abruptly before turning and walking away. 

He wanted to talk to someone about what just happened, you specifically. He knew he wouldn’t be able to reach you and even if he could, telling you what just happened would only lead to another argument. 

Ben did his best to clean and dress his wounds after bathing. You did a better job than he did and it’s all that ran through his mind as he rubbed healing ointment onto each burn and cut. After not being able to sleep due to pain, he finally cracked and requested a nurse droid. An injection of pain medication on top of a couple bacta patches and he was asleep within an hour.

Instead of getting up to attend mandatory meetings with Hux, he rescheduled and stayed in bed. Another nurse droid visits him with food and another pain injection. When he falls asleep this time, it’s finally peaceful and nightmare free. He learned quickly that just because his sleep is fairly peaceful and free of nightmares, does not mean it won't be eventful.

* * *

The intense humid heat surrounding him and the strong smell of sulfur burns the inside of his airways. The atmosphere is so thick and warm it's almost hard to breathe.

“I was so worried about you! Obi-Wan told me terrible things,” a woman says to Ben’s right. Her voice is tight with suppressed emotion as she approaches whoever she’s speaking to.

“Obi-Wan?” Ben asks out loud as he opens his eyes and sits up.

A young woman dressed in grey with her hair pulled back into a low bun at the base of her neck is standing not too far from him. In front of her is a taller man with hair similar to his own but lighter in color. He has a faded scar on one side of his face and is dressed in dark robes. 

“What things?” The man asks through gritted teeth. It’s obvious he’s already on edge but trying to keep his temper in check for the sake of the women in front of him. Ben knows the feeling all too well.

“He said. . he said you turned to the dark side . . that you. . that you killed younglings,” the woman says breathlessly as if the thought alone was making it hard for her to breathe. 

“Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me,” the man says in a low tone.

“He cares about us!”

“Us?” 

“He knows. . he wants to help you,” the woman says as she grasps the man by the arms and searches his face for any sign that he may change his opinion on Obi-Wan’s motives for helping her.

The man smirks down on her in a condescending way before looking away. The woman continues to search his face for some sort of sign that he's still good and may change his mind on whatever it is they're discussing.

“Anakin. . all I want is your love.”

“Anakin?” Ben gasps and his eyes dart from the woman to the man in front of him.

“G-grandfather?” Ben says under his breath as he slowly takes a step towards the pair. “If you’re my grandfather that means. . you’re my grandmother Padme,” Ben says as he studies the two.

Ben suddenly feels like he’s intruding on an extremely personal and private moment. In a way, he is, even though it’s in the past. He doesn’t know how to end the dream and if he’s being honest, he’s not sure he wants to. He’s seen holo’s of his grandmother before but as a dignitary, not as a normal everyday woman in love. No one ever talks about his grandfather, aside for the fact that he was Darth Vader. No one ever mentions the man he was before he turned to the dark side and very rarely does anyone mention why he turned to the dark side in the first place. In the rare instance they do, there’s very few details. People are more interested in what his grandfather did after he became Vader than they are about why he chose the path he did.

“Love won’t save you Padme. Only my new powers can do that,” Anakin says with determination and adoration while looking into her eyes.

“But at what cost? You’re a good person! Don’t do this!” 

Her words go straight to Ben’s heart and almost cause a physical reaction. You had said something similar to him the last time the two of you spoke. The context was somewhat different but the message was the same and the emotion was the same. Is this how you felt when pleading with him? Ben looks away from his grandparents and tries to push aside the pain, at least until he’s awake. He wants to concentrate on what’s happening in front of him. He’s not sure he’ll ever have the opportunity to see what he’s witnessing. He just hopes what hes seeing isn’t some weird fever dream and is actually a vision of the past. If you’ve had accurate visions of the past, maybe this time it’s his turn.

“I won’t lose you the way I lost my mother. I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi ever dreamed of and I’m doing it for you, to protect you,” Anakin says as his voice slowly gets deeper and more aggressive. 

Ben can see the desperation in his grandmother’s eyes as she realizes Anakin may be too far gone to change his mind. She frantically grabs his face with her hands and runs them through his hair as she struggles to find something to say to get through to him.

“C-come away with me. Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can!”

Ben closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Again, you had said something similar to him in an effort to get him to leave the First Order, to leave Snoke. He had idolized his grandfather for quite a while and he desperately wanted to be like him. Now, seeing the interaction between his grandparents, he’s not sure he still feels that way. 

“Child? Mom. .They must not know she’s pregnant with twins,” Ben whispers to himself.

“Don’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore! I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the chancellor! I can overthrow him! And together. . you and I can rule the galaxy! We can make things the way we want them to be!” Anakin says passionately and with a sinister smile on his face. 

It’s evident he fully believes everything he’s saying. He’s not conflicted like Padme hopes, he’s made his decision. His desperation and irritation is rising as he realizes Padme won’t be changing her stance on the issue, just like he won’t.

Again, the words Ben said to you run through his head as he realizes he was finally getting what he thought he wanted, to be like his grandfather.

Padme looks up at Anakin with unfathomable hurt in her eyes as she takes a step back and away from him. Her eyes well up with tears and she starts to shake her head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Obi-Wan was right,” Padme says with barely contained tears in her eyes. “You’ve changed,” she whispers. 

“I don’t want to hear anymore about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don’t you turn against me too!” Anakin’s anger is visibly climbing. Each word is more aggressive than the last.

Padme takes another step back and continues to shake her head as she stares into Anakin’s eyes. It’s like she’s looking at a complete stranger. Ben has never met either of them but even he can tell just how far gone his grandfather is to the dark side. There’s no going back, at least not now.

“I don’t know you anymore,” Padme cries. Her face begins to contort as if the realization causes her physical pain. “Anakin. . you’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”

“Because of Obi-Wan?” Anakin says. His voice is even and controlled which, in Ben’s experience, means he’s barely holding back his rage. 

“Because of what you’ve done, what you plan to do! Stop! Stop now and come back! I love you!” Padme continues to cry as she takes a step closer to him in a final attempt to bring him back to her. Anakin’s eyes leave hers and stare at something behind her. 

It’s then Ben realizes there’s a ship behind them. Too enthralled by his grandparents, Ben didn’t bother to take in his surroundings. The heat and the smell of sulfur are immediately explained when he looks around and sees they’re surrounded by lava inside a deep canyon. 

“Mustafar,” Ben mumbles. He’s never been to Mustafar but has desperately wanted the chance to explore what many people consider Vader’s home. But he doesn’t have the time to, his eyes are drawn to the man at the top of the ramp. The man Anakin is staring at with such hatred, it causes a shiver to run down Ben's spine. Anakin’s power within the Force is frightening. It’s almost as suffocating as the thick smell of sulfur surrounding them and it’s all aimed at the man on the ship.

“LIAR!” Anakin yells at the man as he takes a step around Padme.

Padme, sensing what Anakin plans to do to the man, tries to take a step in front of Anakin as he makes his way towards him.

“No!” 

“You’re with him!” Anakin yells and circles Padme. “You brought him here to kill me!”

“No!” Padme yells again. Anakin lifts his hand towards her and her hands go to her neck. Anakin begins to choke her using the Force. 

Ben has Force choked a fair share of people and never once did it bother him. What he’s seeing unfold in front of him bothers him and cuts him to his core.

“No stop! Let her go!” Ben yells and takes a step towards his grandparents, even though he knows nothing he can say or do will change what’s about to happen.

“Let her go Anakin!” the man on the ramp yells as he approaches them.

“Anakin,” Padme gasps while clawing at the invisible hands wrapped around her throat.

“Let. . her. . go,” the man says to Anakin. 

Anakin releases the grip he has on her and Padme falls to the ground. Ben rushes to her side and kneels next to her. She’s alive and has merely lost consciousness. Anakin stares down angrily at Padme’s body and begins to breathe heavily as his anger threatens to consume him.

“YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!” He yells.

“You have done that yourself,” the man says in a calm manner. 

It’s at that moment Ben connects the dots. The bearded man standing next to him is the man his mother named him after. Ben Kenobi. . Obi-Wan.

“YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!” Anakin yells and begins to pace.

“Your anger and your lust for power have already done that,” Obi-Wan says as he removes his cloak. The two men begin to circle each other. 

“You’ve allowed this dark lord to twist your mind until now you’ve become the very thing you swore to destroy,” Obi-Wan say. He stops circling in order to kneel down next to Padma on the opposite of Ben. He places his hand gently on the side of her face to make sure she’s okay.

“Don’t lecture me Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom. Justice, and security to my new empire!” Anakin yells with conviction while looking down at Padme. Ben tries not to shift nervously as he looks up at his grandfather. It’s as if Anakin is not only staring at Padme, but at Ben as well. 

“You’re new empire?” Obi-Wan asks with disbelief.

“Don’t make me kill you,” Anakin says menacingly with his back to him.

“Anakin my allegiance is to the Republic! To democracy!” Obi-Wan yells.

“If you’re not with me then you’re my enemy.”

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes,” Obi-Wan pauses and looks down at the ground. “I will do what I must.” He says as he reaches down to his belt and unclasps his lightsaber. 

“You will try,” Anakin says.

As the fight is about to begin, Ben feels a small hand gently land on his shoulder and squeeze. His eyes dart down to his grandmother’s body which is no longer there. When he turns to the person behind him, the scenery changes.

He’s no longer surrounded by thick suffocating heat and the smell of sulfur is no longer burning his airways. He’s on the balcony of a familiar palace on a familiar planet. He had only visited once but the memory will always remain one of his most cherished ones.

When Ben was younger, Leia had brought him with her to Theed’s Royal Palace on his grandmother’s home planet of Naboo. She was visiting while attending some sort of diplomatic event. Ben was too little to care why they were there, he was just happy to be spending time with his mother. The trip sticks out among his most treasured memories for multiple reasons.

The trip was one of the few times he can remember spending time alone with his mother while away on galactic business. Usually, Ben was left with nanny droids whenever his father and Chewie were gone and he was forced to accompany Leia. She’d attend whatever hearing she was requested at and he’d stay behind with a droid until it was time to leave.

When he was with her on Naboo it was different. It was as if she went out of her way to make time for him and only him. When they were there they stayed at the palace at night and spent their days wandering around the city and enjoying various activities with one another.

The other thing that stuck out to Ben about his trip to Naboo was how he was treated, like royalty. Technically he is a prince but not many people realize that and if they do they just don't care. Now that he’s older he personally doesn’t care but when he was little he did. Not many little boys can say they’re royalty. It felt like an empty title though, like another made up story his parents told him when he had nightmares and refused to go back to sleep. Only it wasn’t, he legitimately was a prince and while on Naboo, he was treated like one. 

It has been over a decade since the last time he visited his grandmothers home planet. Even though what he was experiencing was a dream or a vision, it felt just like it did the last time he was there.

The small feminine hand is still resting on his shoulder and gives it one more squeeze to snap him out of his revere. Ben glances over his shoulder and looks up to see the face of his grandmother. It's no longer contorted in pain and wet with tears but the exact opposite. Ben slowly stands and takes in her appearance. 

She's wearing a form fitting blue dress that flares down at the ends and lays gently on the ground. It's sleeveless with thin straps that are wrapped around her neck and arms. Her hair is loosely curled and draped over her shoulders with small white flowers laced through the curls. She looks radiant, no not radiant, she looks ethereal. The smile she graces him with is filled with love and admiration. He doesn’t feel deserving of it.

“Grandmother,” Ben whispers. He’s not sure why he wants to cry but he his eyes are welling up with tears.

“My little prince,” she smiles and reaches up to place her hand on his cheek. “You’re so lost you sweet sweet boy.”

That one sentence breaks him. He tries his best to hold back his tears but fails. “I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I no longer know what path is the right one,” Ben cries. Padme reaches up and pulls him into a hug and rubs his back lovingly, the way his mother used to do when he was upset.

“I think you do know what to do sweetheart. You just have to take the next step.”

“I thought...I thought I wanted to be like my grandfather but now...I don’t know anymore. I saw what happened, what he did to you. I could never do that to her but I. . I get so angry. I’m so scared,” he mumbles the last part.

“Shh. . it’s okay.”

Padme silently rubs his back until he calms down. Once he stops crying, she leans back and looks up at him while rubbing the sides of his arms lovingly. Their size difference is startling. If things were different Ben would have found it amusing how the small tiny woman in front of him is the one comforting him while he sobs like a child.

“There’s a reason why you just witnessed our past. There’s a reason I’m speaking to you now. Do you know why that is?”

“B-because I still have a choice. Because I can turn away from the dark side.”

“Yes, yes you can. Anakin could have but he was already too far gone when I reached him. It wasn’t until Luke found him that he saw the error of his ways. Anakin did. . he did terrible terrible things but I still loved him and I still do. I always will. Do you know _why_ he turned to the dark side?”

Ben slowly shook his head. 

“Because he loved me,” she says with a small smile.

“How could he have turned to the dark side if he loved you? I watched him choke you and throw you to the ground while you were pregnant. How is that love?”

“Have you ever gotten so angry you hurt someone but didn’t realize it until it was too late?” She knew the answer to that question and so did Ben. He breaks eye contact with her and stares down at his feet.

“I’m not excusing what he did in the least. I just want you to understand him. I want you to learn from his mistakes while it’s not too late. He had a vision of me dying during childbirth. He was so afraid of losing me that he allowed himself to be seduced by Emperor Palpatine. What he didn’t know was his turn to the dark side is actually the reason for my death. We don’t know what would have happened had he continued alongside Obi-Wan but it was his fear of losing me that drove him away from the light.”

“I’m afraid of losing her. I..I love her,” Ben whispers.

“I know you do and I think she knows too. The path you’re on will end the same way Anakin’s did, alone and in pain. You won’t lose her if you stay in the light, you’ll lose her if you turn away from it. You’re similar to your grandfather in many ways but you’re different where it counts. You wanted to continue what your grandfather started, and you still can. He started a family with me but turned his back on it. That's what you can finish for him. You haven’t lost her yet, you haven’t lost yourself yet. Don’t make the same mistakes we did. Choose love, life, and light. I know you feel trapped by our family’s legacy. Your Skywalker blood does not define you, you do. Your choices are what dictate the man you are, the man you’ll become.”

Ben was no longer sobbing but tears were still streaming down his face due to the intense emotion behind his grandmother's words. He swallows thickly and looked away from her.

“I’ve done. . I’ve done terrible things. Terrible things that I can’t take back. I don’t know how to live with everything I’ve done. I don’t deserve her love, or my mothers, or my fathers, or uncle Chewie's. I deserve to be alone. I deserve the-”

“No! That’s enough. I won’t listen to you blame yourself anymore,” Padme scolds Ben as if he is a child. He instantly shuts his mouth and stands up straighter. His mother was more like Padme than he ever realized.

“Yes, you’ve done terrible things, terrible things you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life. But instead of wallowing in self hatred, you can do your best to prevent any further harm from being done to other innocents. You can fight along side my Leia and take down any oppressive forces that threaten the galaxy. Be the one responsible for the good that happens instead of the bad. A Skywalker consumed by darkness ruined the galaxy, and a Skywalker consumed by light can save it again.”

Ben looked down at his feet uncomfortably. “I’ve never been full of light. I’ve always had the dark side lingering and waiting for the right time to consume me. I don’t have a place in this story, not really. I’m not a Jedi and I’m not a Sith. I don’t belong anywhere. How can I be the Skywalker that saves the galaxy when I have so much darkness in me?”

Ben assumes his grandmother will step away from him and look at him with disappointment after realizing he’s right. He’ll never be full of light and if he can’t even fight the darkness inside him, how is he supposed to fight the darkness that is threatening to take over the galaxy. When he glances back at her, he doesn’t see disappointment, he sees smug affection.

“You’re not Ben Skywalker are you?” Padme smiles. “Your Ben Solo, the Prince of Alderaan. You have the blood of a scoundrel, and a princess in your veins, your defiance will shake the stars.”

Being acknowledged as his own person was something he wanted but he never knew how much until that moment. When he starts to cry again, Padme pulls him into her arms once more and runs her hand through his hair. “You have so much of Anakin in you Ben and that’s not a bad thing. I fell in love with him for a reason. Don’t let someone twist you into something you’re not in order to use you for your power. Don’t make his mistakes.”

Ben sniffles, pulls away from her, and looks at her with a watery smile which she returns.

“It’s time for me to go,” she says as she gives his arm a quick squeeze.

“But. . I don’t want you to go! I have so many questions,” Ben says in a near panic.

“It’s time for you to wake up. You have some decisions to make and there’s someone waiting for you to make those decisions. I think she’ll always wait for you but the longer she does, the angrier she’ll get,” Padme chuckles.

“I’ve hurt her, in more ways than one. She has every right to push me away.”

“Hmm. . you’re right,” Ben’s eyes widen with fear, maybe he has already lost you.

“You have hurt her in more ways than one, that’s what you’re right about. But you’re wrong if you think she’ll push you away. I haven’t kept an eye on her as I have you but I can tell you, from what I’ve seen, that girl would go to the ends of the earth for you. Whether you deserve it or not,” she smirks.

“What you two have. . It’s rare in more ways than one. Don’t let her go. The choice is yours to make but know that no matter what you decide to do, we will always love you.”

“Grandmother, I-”

Padme reached up and placed a hand on each side of Ben’s face to pull him down closer to her.

“Don’t forget who you are Ben Solo,” Padme says before kissing him on the forehead.

The last thing he sees before waking up in his bed on the Supremacy, is his grandmother smiling up at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My kid asked to have a Star Wars marathon yesterday and he wanted to start with Revenge of the Sith. Can you tell? ;) Plus the new SW Roll Out short with baby Ben and the similarities it had to Padme basically forced me to include her. 
> 
> The 'blood of a scoundrel and a princess' quote is not mine. It's from the book Empires End by Chuck Wendig.


	13. Lover of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a visit from a Skywalker. . well . . multiple Skywalker's. . kind of. 
> 
> Ben makes a decision.
> 
> Your hormones get the best of you. . finally.
> 
> (Pssst. . this chapter is kinda NSFW if you get what I'm sayin)

* * *

_I'll never give you away  
_ _'Cause I already made that mistake  
_ _If my name never fell off your lips again  
_ _I know it'd be such a shame  
_ _When I take a look at my life and all of my crimes  
_ _You're the only thing that I think I got right  
_ _I'll never give you away  
_ _'Cause I already made that mistake_

_5 Seconds of Summer - Lover of Mine_

* * *

Ben has been persistent as hell lately. You have to give him credit, he doesn’t know how to give up apparently. You’ve had to work harder than usual to keep him out and it’s exhausting. Between training with Poe, helping Chewie and Han with minor repairs on the Falcon, and blocking out Ben, you feel like you never get enough sleep. 

You’ve been on Ahch-To a lot longer than you expected considering how much progress you’ve made with Luke since arriving. If anything, Han and Chewie are the ones making progress. They spend a little bit of time each day with him and you have no idea what they do or what is said and you don’t care as long as the end result is the same. As long as you can get him back to Leia.

After training with Poe you take your usual solitary walk down the beach. You haven’t felt the draw to the strange cave again but you do feel a pull in the opposite direction. After following the feeling, you end up at the bottom of a narrow set of stone steps and at the top of the steps is a large and ancient looking Uneti tree. The closer you get to the tree, the stronger the Force feels around you. 

When you get closer to the tree you see a large entryway has been carved into the side of it. Hesitantly, you enter the large dark hollowed out tree which is a lot bigger on the inside. However, it’s completely empty except for a small shelf of books opposite the entryway and a small crate underneath it. The only light inside the tree is a single beam which happens to land on the book shelves. It's a little bit ominous yet funny because of how dramatic it is. Upon further inspection, you realize the books aren’t just normal books, they’re actually Jedi texts and they look like they’re on the verge of falling apart due to age. You’re about to reach out and touch one of the books when someone approach you from behind.

“Who are you?” Luke asks from the entrance of the tree.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Who are you?”

“Uh. . I’m me? I’m not sure what you’re asking me. Are you asking for my family name? Because you know that I have no idea what that is nor do I care. So what exactly are you asking?”

Luke takes a couple of steps into the tree until he’s standing directly in front of you. As usual, he narrows his eyes at you and stares. 

“Why do you keep doing that? It’s creepy. You’ve been staring at me like that since I first got here. Staring at me isn't answering whatever questions you have so stop it.”

“Why are you here?”

“Here on the island or here in this tree? You know why I’m on the island and I’m in the tree because I felt it calling to me.”

“Just like you felt the cave calling to you.” Luke turns away from you and walks over to the shelf to examine the books.

“Yes, just like the cave called to me. Wait. . you were watching me? I don’t remember you being this creepy last time we met. Is this some new kink of yours? Voyeurism,” you say it with a serious look on your face, even though your joking. The look on Luke’s face when his head snaps to yours breaks you. You start laughing hysterically, clutching your stomach, and bending over. Luke scowls and turns his attention back towards the books before he pulls a specific one off of the shelf. 

“Sorry. You have to admit it was a _little_ funny. C’mon Luke I’m trying not to hate you and you’re making it extremely hard,” you huff and cross your arms.

“I see Leia gave you her lightsaber.”

“Your attitude sucks but it’s nice to see your vision is still in tip-top shape.”

“And I can tell the kyber crystal I gave you has bonded with you.”

The kyber crystal you wear around your neck doesn’t feel any different to you but you aren’t sure if it's supposed to feel different once you've bonded with it. You've worn it around your neck for the last five years so it’s basically a part of you now and a lot of times you forget it’s even there. Luke gives you a knowing smile when your hand grasps the crystal the same way it's done whenever you've felt lonely or anxious over the years.

“Have you thought about making your own lightsaber yet? Each Jedi makes their own lightsaber at some point after their kyber crystal has bonded with them.”

“I already told you I don’t want to be a Jedi,” you say shortly.

“Yeah well as of right now you’re not on the dark side and you're working with Leia. You’re as close to a Jedi as we’re going to get I’m afraid.”

“Wow. Dick comment, but okay. To answer your question, no. I haven't thought about making a lightsaber. I’ve used the one you gave me until recently. Which, by the way, is in two pieces back on the Falcon. I’m not sure who it belonged to before me but it’s useless now.”

“Han told me that Ben was responsible.”

“I _highly_ doubt that’s what Han told you considering I was also there and know what happened. But I don’t feel like arguing with you about Ben, again.”

“There’s something going on between the two of you but I haven’t fully figured out what it is yet. There’s a connection there. I knew when I found you and after observing you since you’ve been on Ahch-To has only confirmed that.”

You try not to panic and you hope he can’t hear your heart race at his words. He's the last person you want to know about the bond you and Ben share. Maybe if he's honest with you and comes clean about whatever it is he’s hiding, you’ll be willing to admit everything and ask questions. But as of right now, you still don’t trust him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Wait. . what do you mean you knew there was a connection between us when you found me?”

“You’re a horrible liar. You said it yourself, you know a lot more about Ben than even I do. From my understanding, and from what little Han has said, you’ve spent time with him recently but not much. You defend him like you’ve known him all your life, like his parents do. That’s not something you do with someone you’ve only known a few days. The connection you two share is much more than that and I'll figure it out sooner or later.”

“I’m sure you will. You have nothing but time to look into things that are none of your business while you hide out here on this island doing nothing.”

Luke frowns and roughly pushes the book he's holding into your hands and leaves the tree. 

“What the hell is this?”

“You can read can’t you? There’s materials you can use under the bookshelf. Han may have some spare parts you can use as well.”

You glance down at the book in your hands and flip through a couple of pages. There’s instructions on how to build your own lightsaber out of different materials like wood from the Brylark tree and Cartusion whale bones. Your eyes shoot up to meet Lukes, shocked that he's being helpful for once. 

“Thanks I guess.” He nods at you and exits the tree but you call out to him before he can get far.

“Wait!” Luke pauses and turns to face you, waiting for you to say whatever it is you want to say.

“The saber you gave me that night at the temple. Who did it originally belong to?”

Luke pauses and takes a deep breath. Instead of looking at you, he looks at the tree behind you, as if he’s deciding whether or not to tell you the truth.

“It was my fathers,” Luke says without making eye contact with you.

Your eyes widen as you absorb what you were just told. “Darth Vader. . you gave me Darth Vader’s lightsaber? You said it belonged to me. No wonder Ben wanted it so badly. Why the hell would Darth Vader’s lightsaber belong to me? Are you insane?” You yell angrily and throw your hands up in the air to emphasize your outrage. You feel like he gave you some sort of cursed object that you unknowingly became attached to.

“It wasn’t Vader’s saber. It was my father Anakin Skywalker’s saber,” Luke says pointedly.

“Anakin Skywalker? Is that who he was before he turned to the dark side?” Luke nods but says nothing else.

“Okay so you gave me Anakin’s lightsaber. That makes me feel a little bit better but why? Why would his lightsaber belong to me? I don’t understand,” you frown and bite the inside of your cheek as you rack your mind for answers.

“Neither do I but I have a feeling we will soon,” Luke says before turning and walking down the stone steps.

* * *

That night your sleep is filled with visions of kyber crystals and lightsabers. Before falling asleep you didn’t have time to read more of the book Luke gave you but you had a feeling once you do, the vision unfolding in front of you will make a lot more sense. 

Ben is shirtless and standing in, from the looks of it, a small room in the belly of a ship. There’s pipes jutting out on each side of the wall and the room echoes with the sound of the ships engine somewhere nearby. There’s barely any light in the room but what little there is illuminates the room slightly. He has his back to you when you approach him from behind. His attention is completely focused on whatever task he’s trying to complete while he’s hunched over a large workbench. Once by his side you can see what he’s focusing on so intently. 

In his right hand is his large lightsaber and in his left is some sort of tool he’s using to pry open the side of his hilt. You glance from his hilt to his face and are saddened by what you see. He doesn’t look scared or conflicted anymore, not like he had when you saw him last with Ren. He looks angry, and determined to follow through with his decision to embrace the dark. 

After tinkering with the tool for a bit, he finally opens the side of his saber's hilt. When he turns the hilt to access the side panel, you lean in closer to see what he's worked so hard to access. When he moves his hand away from his lightsaber his very pretty blue kyber crystal is resting in the palm of his hand. Not only is his lightsaber a lot bigger than yours, so is the kyber crystal. You try very hard to concentrate on what's taking place in front of you and not what other thing Ben may have that is larger than usual. It's a completely inappropriate thought but its were your mind goes at the sight of him shirtless and standing near you.

With the Kyber in his palm he looks down at it as if it had personally wronged him. You’re not sure what he intends to do with it but it's more than likely going to explain why the saber Ben has now is red and unstable compared to the other sabers you’ve seen. He closes his hand tightly around the crystal and begins to grunt through gritted teeth as he squeezes it extremely hard. You’re sure the crystal is going to crack or his hand is going to bleed, maybe both. His eyes are closed as he yells while crushing the crystal in his hand. You move away from his side and stand right in front of him to get a better look at his face. 

Ben’s head is hanging low making it hard to see his face. You're about to get closer to him when his head tilts towards you and his eyes snap open. They're no longer the unique shade of hazel you've come to love, they're a bright shade of crimson. Startled, you stumble backwards and hit your back against the table where his tools are. Red light begins to radiate through Ben’s fingers as his crystal starts to glow. The shrill creaking sound coming from the crystal hurts your ears enough that you're forced to cover them with your hands to drown out the sound.

“Ben stop!” You yell even though you know it won't make a difference. 

The ship begins to shake around you as red streaks of electricity begin to shoot out of Ben’s hand, surrounding him as the power radiating from his hand increases. You take another step back when Ben throws his head back and screams as the intensity of the power in his hand reaches a crescendo. The faces of Han, Leia, Lando, Luke, Chewie, and Tai flash through Ben's mind before the both of you are thrown into one of his memories.

Han:

Ben is crying alone in his small bed after having another nightmare. He doesn’t want to bother his parents after hearing them argue over him earlier that evening. Instead, he opts to stay in bed alone and fight sleep out of fear of having the same dream again. Ben holds his breath when he hears his father’s footsteps pass his bedroom door, hoping he won’t hear him cry. When Han passes his bedroom door, Ben releases the breath he was holding and turns his back towards the door. A moment later, Han slides the door open and enters Ben’s room.

“You okay kid?” Han asks quietly as he approaches the side of Ben’s bed. When Ben doesn’t answer, he gently sits on the edge of Ben’s bed and places his hand on his back. Han can feel his sons small shoulders shake as he silently cries. Ben’s had nightmares for as long as he can remember and whenever they ask him what happens in his dreams he merely shakes his head and refuses to talk about whatever it is that haunts him at night. All they can do is be there for him when he wakes up terrified. The older Ben gets, the more he tries to hide his fear from them. Han’s not as good at comforting Ben as Leia is, but he still does his best to sooth his son.

“Another nightmare?” Han asks when Ben doesn’t respond or turn to look at him. Ben sniffles and nods his head just enough for his father to see. Han sighs and removes his boots before climbing into the small bed next to his son and resting his hand on his back. Ben stills under his touch at first but relaxes a minute later. Once he feels Ben relax, Han scoops him into his arms and settles him in next to him. 

“Better?” Han asks quietly. Ben nods and snuggles deeper into his fathers side. 

“Good. Let’s go to sleep kid. Your mom won’t be home for a couple of days. Tomorrow you can help me with the Falcon. Sound good?’

Ben nods and throws his small arm across Han’s chest. “Night Dada.”

“Goodnight son.”

  
  


Chewie:

“Ben, what are you doing?” Leia asks as she enters, what you assume, is their homes living area. Ben is growling while he runs around the living room with what looks like a small blaster and ammo belt.

“I not Ben! I Unca Chewie!” Ben said with a frown as he pretends to blast at various items throughout the room. A loud roar comes from down the hall and a moment later, Chewie enters the room.

“Unca Chewie!!” Ben yells and throws down his gun before running towards Chewie and launching himself at him. With a grunt, Chewie catches Ben midair and laughs. Ben is in his arms for half a second before he scrambles over Chewie’s shoulder and uses him as his very own personal hairy jungle gym.

The vision stats to change to a memory with Lando but it shifts and flashes in and out before it vanishes completely. After you blink a couple of times to to get your bearings you realize you're back in the small room with Ben and his glowing kyber. Ben starts screaming as the kyber glows brighter than before. You’re overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness, anger, hatred, fear, isolation, and abandonment. The emotions are so intense that it physically makes you sick and your hand goes to your chest as your eyes well with tears. Suddenly, everything stops. The pain is gone, the room is quiet, Ben is no longer yelling, and his hand is no longer glowing.

Out of breath, he crouches down onto the floor as blood drips down his forearm. When he slowly opens his hand, the crystal is no longer the vibrant shade of blue it had been. It’s now a deep crimson red. Ben stands and walks back over to the worktable to grab the hilt of his lightsaber. Without bothering to clean the blood off of the crystal, he slides it into the side of the hilt and seals the small panel. When he activates the lightsaber it's extremely unstable, more so than it currently is. The strength of the new kyber nearly melts the end of the hilt. Ben picks it up and turns it back and fourth in his hands while he contemplates how to prevent that from happening. “Hmm,” is all he says as his eyes dart between the spare parts on the workbench and the hilt in his hand. 

You assume you’re starting to wake up because the vision is flickering in and out. Ben sets his tools down and tilts his saber left and right while he examines the new modifications he’s made. Right before you wake up he turns towards you and activates his newly constructed and severely unstable red crossblade lightsaber.

* * *

The first thing you do when you wake up is walk to the small clearing you and Poe usually train in with the book and the crate of random parts Luke had given you. You find a nice spot towards the edge of the clearing and sit with your back against a turned over tree. There’s a plethora of information on kyber crystals, their powers, lightsabers, what materials are optimal to build a strong hilt, the different styles of lightsabers, and their uses. You plan to read the text thoroughly before building your saber but for now you skim the pages until you find anything that can give you insight on what you witnessed the night before. Your eyes stop when you see a section titled “bleeding” on one of the pages about kyber crystals.

_“Bleeding is the process that a dark side adept used by way of the Force to bend a kyber crystal to their will. Any kyber crystal could be bled by a Force user. Including one’s own (for example: if they were a former light side practitioner and kept their lightsaber). However, some Sith believed that the proper method was to take a kyber crystal from a Jedi’s lightsaber and bleed it. The process was accomplished by the individual pouring rage, hate, fear, and pain into the crystal via the Force until the crystal changed, resulting in the crimson-bladed lightsabers associated exclusively with the dark side. Since kyber crystals were inherently aligned with the light side of the force, they usually attempted to resist the forced corruption._ _Light side Force visions are known to happen in an effort to stop the force user from going through with the bleeding._ _It was possible to “heal” the effects of bleeding on a kyber crystal by using the light side of the Force, thus changing the crystals color again._

You slowly close the book and stare out towards the ocean. You now know why you felt that horrible rush of emotions while Ben was screaming and why you saw the pleasant memories of Ben with Chewie and Han. The light side was trying to stop him from bleeding his crystal. The book explains what Ben was doing but it doesn’t explain why his lightsaber is so unstable.

“He was never formally taught how to make his own and his crystal is cracked,” an unfamiliar voice says from behind you.

You jump about a foot in the air and reach for your lightsaber on instinct. After Igniting it instantly, you spin around and point the blade at the stranger behind you. The man has a glowing blue aura around him which tells you he’s not really there with you. Without taking your eyes off of him you slowly lower your saber, deactivate it, and clip it back on your belt.

“I don’t know you. . but you look _awfully_ familiar,” you say while narrowing your eyes at the man.

He smirks and walks over to the Jedi texts on the ground where you had been sitting. “I don’t think Luke has any notes in here about cracked kyber crystals does he?” 

“If he does I missed it. Why are you blue? Are you-” your eyes widen and you point a finger at him while taking a step closer. “You’re a Force ghost! Holy shit. The book Maz gave me mentions Force ghosts vaguely. Well. . it doesn’t actually say ‘Force ghost’ but it’s implied. Do I know you? Why are you appearing to me now? How do you know Ben’s crystal is cracked? How-”

“One question at a time,” he chuckles and hands you the book back. Even though you know he means you no harm, you take the book back hesitantly. 

“Who are you?”

“I’m Ben’s grandfather. My name is-”

“Anakin Skywalker,” you finish for him. He smiles and sits down on the large tree trunk you had been sitting against. “That’s why you look familiar. To be honest, Ben kinda looks more like you than Luke does. Which is weird since you’re Luke’s dad. So why are you here to see _me_? You do know Ben’s obsessed with you? He’d probably appreciate this visit a lot more than I do to be honest.”

“Ben is interested in me for all of the wrong reasons but I think that’s about to change.”

“Why do you say that?” In typical Skywalker fashion, Anakin chooses to deflect your question instead of answering it.

“You are wondering why Ben’s lightsaber is unstable aren’t you?”

“Is deflecting questions a Jedi thing or a Skywalker thing? Yes, I was and yes you’re right. There’s nothing in the book that explains that.”

“Using a cracked kyber crystal in a lightsaber is actually very very rare so I doubt you’ll be able to read about it anywhere.”

“Of course it’s rare. Nothing can ever be easy with Ben can it?” You sigh and cross your arms which makes Anakin laugh.

“No, nothing with Ben has ever been easy. The vision you saw was of Ben bleeding his crystal was it not?”

“Yes.”

“You know how conflicted he’s always been between the light side and the dark side. Even though he thought he had made his mind after killing Ren and the other Jedi, he hadn’t. He had to work extremely hard to successfully bleed his crystal. He’s a very powerful Force user, which you know. The crystal couldn’t handle the amount of power Ben had to use to be successful. The smart thing to do would have been to somehow find a new crystal but-”

“Ben’s not smart, at least not when it comes to common sense,” you smirk at him.

“His saber is unstable because of the crystal and because it's poorly constructed. He had to modify his hilt in order to properly contain the power it exhumes. He never learned how to properly make a lightsaber so the entire thing is extremely dangerous. As soon as all of this is over you should definitely talk him into making a new one.”

“Can he still heal his crystal even though it’s cracked?”

“He can. It won’t be easy but it’s possible,” Anakin stands and walks to the container filled with various spare parts Han and Luke had given you to work on your own saber. He sits down next to it and starts to dig through it. He makes two separate piles as he digs through the container, randomly throwing pieces into each pile as he goes through it.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘as soon as this is all over?’ Ben made it clear he’s chosen his side.” Anakin pauses, looks up at you and smiles, then continues rifling through the crate.

“Why are you here with me right now? I’m not family. . I’m . . I’m me. If you're going to appear to anyone it should be Ben or Luke or Leia."

“The last person Ben needs right now is me, trust me,” Anakin says without making eye contact as he digs through the entire box of spare parts. When you realize he’s almost done you panic slightly knowing he’s probably going to leave soon.

“Do you know why Ben and I are connected? Why we have a . . a Force bond?”

“I do. But that is not my story to tell. That’s something you will learn when the time is right.”

“That’s a load of shit! Really! You know why we’re connected and you can’t just tell me?” You huff angrily.

“Padme was right, you’re perfect for him,” he laughs and gets to his feet.

“What? She was right about what? Who is Padme? You Skywalkers are so damn frustrating I swear!”

“That smaller pile on the right, save those parts for Ben. He’ll need your help rebuilding his lightsaber. The other pile is for you, page seven of Luke’s book. I think that style will fit your fighting style best,” Anakin turns to walk away from you without another word.

“Wait! Anakin! Can you please give me a straight answer to just one question?”

He slowly turns to face you and nods for you to continue. You didn't have a specific question in mind because you didn't think he'd agree to answer any. Panicking, you ask the first thing that comes to mind. "Luke said your lightsaber is meant for me? Why? Why was this kyber crystal waiting for me when I met him?”

“That’s two questions,” he smirks and you roll your eyes. One of these days one of the guys are going to smirk at you and you're going to snap and punch whoever happens to be the unlucky individual.

“The kyber crystal around your neck belonged to my wife Padme, Ben’s grandmother. She had her own lightsaber for a time. Before-” Anakin pauses and looks away from you. Whatever he was about to say must have been difficult because he looks back at you and doesn’t finish his sentence. 

“So Ben’s grandmother's kyber crystal called to me and so did your lightsaber? I don’t understand. Shouldn’t the Skywalker family heirlooms want to go to an actual Skywalker? Why me?”

"Because you are Ben’s other half. While he is darkness you are his light. Until he realizes his place is in the light with you, neither of our crystals will respond to him. Until then, they’re yours.”

“Wait, I’m his other half? What do you mean?”

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Anakin smiles and slowly disappears.

“GOD DAMN IT!” You yell at the top of your lungs. Poe comes running through the clearing, his eyes dart around looking for the cause of your frustration.

“What the hell is your problem?” Poe asks as he watches you angrily pack up the parts Anakin had sorted, careful to keep the piles separate. You grab the container and march passed Poe.

“I’m so kriffing sick of Skywalkers!” You yell as you make your way back to the Falcon.

* * *

That night, sleep comes easier than anticipated and thankfully, you’re not awoken by a horribly depressing vision of Ben’s past. Instead, you’re woken up because you’re uncomfortably warm. You had fallen asleep in a pair of leggings and a long sleeved shirt of Poe’s because the Falcon was quite chilly thanks to the sudden downpour outside of the ship. When you fell asleep you were nice and warm under the blanket on your bed in Ben’s old room. Now, you’re close to sweating and you’re not sure why. As you’re waking up you realize there’s something, or someone, pressed up against you and breathing on your chest. Disoriented from sleep, you panic momentarily until you realize what’s happening. You try to shift but can’t due to the large heavy arm draped across your waist. 

When you glance down, you see a thick crop of black hair under your chin. Ben’s face is pressed into your chest. Each relaxed breath he takes fans across the skin not covered by your shirt. You're surprised he hasn't suffocated considering how deeply his face is buried in between your breasts. If it was anyone else, like Poe, you would assume it was on purpose. But it's Ben and you know his cheeks are going to turn red as soon as he wakes up and sees, not only that the bond had connected you two while you slept, but also the position he's sleeping in.

You _should_ push him away, but you know you’re not going to. There's no point in lying to yourself anymore. So instead of pushing him away, you run your fingers through his hair while remembering the horrible vision of him bleeding his crystal. With the arm he has draped across your waist, he sighs and pulls you even closer. There’s no way you’re going back to sleep, not when his body is like a living breathing furnace. You hate to wake him but you’re about to start sweating. Plus, if he squeezes you any tighter he may break a rib.

“Ben,” you say quietly while running your hand through his hair. He grumbles a bit but doesn’t wake up. After leaning as close to his ear as you can in the position you’re in, you whisper into his ear.

“Wake up little Starfighter.”

With a groan, he slowly pulls away from your chest and looks up at you, his eyes are still groggy from sleep. His face takes your breath away but not for the reason it usually does. The circles under his eyes are deeper and darker than ever. The skin on his right cheekbone is slightly discolored as if it were bruised but healing. There’s a deep and poorly healing cut that runs from above his right eye down to underneath his collarbone. His bare chest has small cuts and burns that are slowly healing but will definitely scar. One thing you’re learning is Ben sucks at taking care of himself which is evident based on the number of scars he has.

Snoke had really done a number on him since the last time you saw him. It makes your heartache knowing Ben is willingly putting himself through this type of treatment merely because he doesn’t believe he deserves anything else. It takes him a full minute to realize where he’s at and who he’s with. His eyes widen and he pulls away from you slightly but doesn’t remove his arm from your waist, merely loosens his grip.

“You’re really here?” Ben asks in a deep groggy tone. You can’t help but smile at the look of disbelief and adoration on his face.

“Technically, _you_ are here with _me_ , in the Falcon.”

You expect him to glance around the room to take in his surroundings but he doesn’t. Instead he keeps his eyes on you, afraid you’ll block him out at any moment. As anticipated, his cheeks redden when he realizes the position he’s had you in and how tightly he’s been holding you.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I know you still don’t want to talk to me.”

He breaks eye contact with you and attempts to look down but his eyes snap back to yours once he realizes if he looks down he'll be staring directly at your chest. 

“You don’t make me uncomfortable. I would have let you sleep but your body is radiating heat. If I wasn’t wearing all of these clothes and the blanket I’d be fine though.” You smirk when his cheeks turn red again. 

“I was going to ask you what happened,” you say as you lightly cup his cheek and rub your thumb over his discolored cheekbone. He winces but leans into your touch.

“I missed you,” Ben says under his breath. If all of your attention wasn’t on him you might have missed it. “I’m sorry. . for scaring you. . for hurting you. I didn’t mean to. I promise it will never happen again. I’d never hurt you intentionally. . I lost my temper and I-”

“I tried not to but I missed you too,” you cut him off and sigh.

He gives you a small smile then leans into you and buries his face in the crook of your neck. A small barely audible whimper escapes his lips when your hand starts playing with his hair and gently scratches his scalp. The sound sends a shiver straight to your core. You gently pull on his hair and force him to look up at you. Once he does, you lean in and press your lips gently against his forehead. The affectionate gesture makes him sigh with contentment. When he leans into your neck this time, it’s not to snuggle into it, it’s to kiss it. 

Ben trails kisses up your neck until he reaches your lips and kisses you deeply yet softly. The arm that is draped across your waist slowly trails up your side until his hand reaches your neck where he keeps it as he’s kissing you. You freeze, not because you don’t want to kiss him but because of his boldness, you weren’t expecting him to make the first move. Once you push that thought aside, you relax in his arms. He doesn’t kiss you for very long before he pulls away and presses his forehead against yours.

“I’m sorry,” he says breathlessly.

“Are you?” you ask equally as breathless.

“No. . not really.”

“Neither am I.”

You stare at each other for several seconds before you lean in this time. A small sigh leaves his lips as you lean in and cover his mouth with yours. He kisses you back gently, his mouth moving over yours with care, a warm caress that slowly becomes warmer. Your arms snake around his neck to hold on to him tighter as you press closer into his body, needing him to be closer, as you deepen the kiss until it feels like you’re devouring each other. Ben is hesitant at first but he starts to match the rhythm of your tongue with enthusiasm. Too soon, someone pulls away so the both of you can catch your breath as you stare into each other’s eyes.

"I want you, Ben."

"Not as much as I want you," he says as his cheeks redden.

Ben proves his point by hesitantly rubbing you against the hardness in his. You can feel yourself growing wet as he rubs against you. Taking his hand in yours, you move it up to your mouth and suck on his fingers playfully as you watch his eyes dilate with need.

"I want you to touch me."

It takes a lot to embarrass you, you've never been a shy person and are completely fine being blunt. However, this is your first time doing anything like what you're doing with Ben and it's definitely the first time saying the things you're saying. 

Seeing how nervous and anxious he is has fueled you on and provided you with courage you didn't know you had in this regard. Seeing how much of an effect you have on him definitely helps. You slowly trail his hand out of your mouth, to your neck where you make him squeeze lightly, before having him cup your breasts.

"A-are you sure about this?" Ben asks nervously. You feel him start to pull away, but you hold onto his hand tightly, making sure he can feel your hardened nipples through your shirt.

"Yes, touch me please."

Squeezing your breast tentatively, you give him an encouraging nod as he becomes bolder. At first he just cups them, until his hand sweeps across your nipple. When he notices your intake of breath, he lightly rubs his thumbs over them as you release a moan of pleasure. It isn't enough, you want more and you know he does too. He's the only thing you've thought about, in more ways than one, since he fell into your life. You guide his hand down to the apex of your legs, straight into your pants, and have him cup you.

"Please," you whisper against his lips.

A look of surprise widens his eyes as he feels how wet you are. "Why are you so wet?" he asks and you laugh, causing his ears to turn red.

"That's how you know I want you."

He nods with understanding as he coat his fingers with your wetness, slowly gaining the courage to explore on his own. "Can I-" his doesn't finish his sentence as it trails off.

His fingers are slowly easing their way to where you want them the most. 

"Yes, but slowly and only one at a time because your hands are freakishly large."

You try to tease him to relax him a bit but he's too focused on the task at hand to realize it or to care. When he follows your instructions you sigh and press your head into the crook of his neck. When his breathing picks up, you place wet, open mouth kisses on his neck before scraping your teeth against his skin.

A moan escapes his mouth as he adds another finger inside you. He slowly pulls but steadily thrusts his fingers in then out. He may not have experience but he understands how things work, for the most part. You feel ridiculously full by just two of his fingers alone and for a moment you doubt the hard cock that's grinding against you will even fit, whenever you get that far. The thought alone makes your legs begin to tremble and you grip his shoulders tightly. You're close to tipping over the edge but not quite. 

"Ben," you whisper breathlessly as you place your hand on his wrist so he'll stop moving his fingers. He freezes instantly. 

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" he asks with concern. He starts to pull his hand away but you keep it firmly where it is.

"No, you definitely didn't hurt me. You're making me feel so good." You trail kisses along his neck until you reach the side of his mouth. You don't miss the warmth that floods through him by simply praising him. "I just need you to move your hand a bit." He stays still, silently hoping you'll either move his hand where you want it or tell him what to do. He just wants to make you feel good but his inexperience in the subject matter isn't helping. 

You take the two fingers that were inside of you and place them on your clit and hold them there lightly. "Do you feel that? It's okay if you don't. You can move your fingers around." He gives you a small nod and gently rubs the little bundle of nerves between your legs. You gasp and arch your back when he brushes it just the right way. He freezes. When your eyes meet his they're a little wide. 

"That...that's where I need you to touch me while your fingers are inside me," you say quickly before he can ask if he hurt you again. He swallows thickly and nods slightly before rubbing small circles around your clit. 

A boost of confidence and determination washes over Ben when a small moan leaves your lips. He adjusts his hand so his palm is pressed against your clit and he gently presses his fingers inside you once again.

Much sooner than you expected, you find yourself trembling. Unexpectedly, the spring coiling tightly in your abdomen snaps and waves of toe curling pleasure roll through your body. You quickly bury your face into his massive shoulder to muffle the moans you can no longer hold back. 

You have to stay quiet. You have no idea where everyone else is or if they're even on the Falcon. The _last_ thing you want is for anyone to overhear you not only moaning, but seemingly talking to yourself too. After removing his hand to deter him from continuing while you're overly sensitive, you snuggle into his chest with your head under his chin.

"Was...was that okay?" he asks nervously and kisses the top of your head.

"Um...couldn't you tell?" You laugh quietly into his chest. "You're a quick learner." You can feel him slightly nod above you before resting his cheek on top of your head. The indirect compliment makes his heart skip a beat.

"I'm surprised the bond hasn't closed," you say and pull away slightly to look up at him.

"Me too. The Force must know how badly I needed to see you," he says while staring into your eyes. Smiling up at him, you surprise him and roll him onto his back with a little help from the Force due to how massive he is compared to you. You kiss the side of his mouth and slowly start to pull down his pants just enough to release his large and extremely hard cock from its confines. 

"W-what are you doing?" he gasps and starts to sit up while looking down at his cock and your proximity to it.

"I'm pretty sure we're equals in the Force aren't we? It's only fair we're equal in everything else, including touching each other. Lay back and relax," you chuckle at the expression on his face.

When he starts to relax, you maneuver yourself until you're straddling him. Leaning forward until your face hovers above his, you gently kiss his lips in an attempt to calm his nerves. His body tenses when you wrap your hand around his length and his breath comes out in a loud whoosh against your lips. 

You bring his hand that is coated with your wetness to his cock and wrap his hand around himself. He watches with bated breath as you start to stoke him using his own hand until he is coated enough for you to take over. When you squeeze him tightly, he grunts and his body begins to tremble underneath you until he swears.

"Please don't stop sweetheart," Ben says between heavy breaths.

His hands squeeze your hips as he starts to thrust into your hand. It doesn't take very long for him to cum all over you and himself with a barely contained moan of his own. His eyes are closed tightly as he struggles to catch his breath. When he opens them, his cheeks are bright red and he avoids eye contact with you. You wipe your hand on your shirt before gently taking his chin and turning his head towards you. Your other hand is resting against the pillow on the other side of his head. You prop yourself up so you can keep looking at his face. After gently kissing the side of his mouth you mumble against his cheek.

"What's wrong? Did that not feel good?"

"No..I mean yes. God yes...I just..." He pauses and glances down at the mess he made between the two of you before meeting your eyes once again. "That didn't last very long," he sighs.

It’s impossible to hide the smile spread across your face. By looking at him you would _never_ guess the embarrassed man underneath you is the commander of the First Order and the master of the Knights of Ren. That thought sobers you up a bit and makes you consider what the consequences of this interaction between the two of you will be. You brush the thought aside, there’s no reason to ruin the moment now. What’s done is done. You lift your shirt up over your head, ignoring the look on Ben’s face as he watches you, and use it to clean up the mess. After crumpling up the shirt you throw it on the ground across the room.

“Did I last very long? No. We both haven’t done anything like this before. It’s not meant to last long at first,” you say with a smile.

You were going to add ‘after we do it repeatedly that will change’ but you don’t know what’s going to happen after tonight so you keep that last part to yourself. Instead of responding he rolls you off of him until you’re on your side facing him. You’re still wearing a bra but that doesn’t stop Ben from inhaling sharply when your chest presses up against his. The two of you stare at one another in silence side by side. You trace your thumb over his large but cute nose until you reach his lips and trace over them as well. Moving your hand up, you thread your fingers through his thick hair, smiling when you see his eyes slide close slightly before opening them again. 

You’re doing your best not to think about the position the two of you are in, not physically, but in the grand scheme of things. There’s no point in getting overly emotional over things that aren’t going to change and that’s what happens when you think about the distance between the two of you. You’d prefer to wait until you’re alone to be upset over his choices. Your throat begins to tighten with the effort of choking back tears. Instead of making it obvious you’re upset, you lean into him and revel in the warmth of his bare chest. Now more than ever you want to ask him to leave the First Order and to come home. Considering how well that’s gone in the past, you bite your tongue. His heart starts to beat rapidly, and he swallows thickly as he prepares to speak. 

“Ask me.”

“What?” You pull back just enough to look up at him.

“I wasn’t trying to intrude but your thoughts are quite loud right now,” he says as he runs his hand through your hair.

“Sorry. . just ignore me. I wasn’t trying to be so. . loud and I’m not trying to think about any of that. We’ll end up arguing and I don’t feel like it right now,” you sigh and lean back into his chest.

“Ask me again.”

“Ask you wh-” you realize what he’s saying but don’t allow yourself to get your hopes up. 

He leans back and removes the hand in your hair before taking your chin gently in his hand and tipping your head up so you have to look at him. 

“Go on sweetheart,” he whispers as he nuzzles into the side of your face. Your eyes well up with tears and your lip starts to tremble. 

“Ben. . come home. . for me. . be with me.”

A single tear falls onto the pillow under your head when he cups your face with his large hand and rests his forehead against yours. “Okay.”

“W-what?” You ask with disbelief as you place your hand over his and pull away from him to look into his eyes, hoping not to see any signs of deception. Ben can be an asshole but he’s not cruel, at least not to you. It’s unlikely he’d lie to you but you still can’t believe what you’re hearing.

“I said okay. I’ll leave the First Order, the Knights, Snoke, all of it. Not for the Resistance, not to be a Jedi, and not for my parents. But I will for you. Just you,” he says with a smile so big it causes a physical reaction out of you.

Before you realize it you throw your arms around his neck and cling to him as if you’re drifting off to sea and he’s the only thing keeping you from drowning while you cry into his neck. He chuckles quietly and pulls you in closer to him before burying his head into the crook of your neck. After pulling away from him slightly, you quickly grab his face with both hands.

“When? How are you going to leave without them trying to stop you? What if they follow you somehow? If I tell Han he’ll want to pick you up like. . right now. We could probably go in a couple of days but-” 

He kisses you softly to stop your rant from continuing. When he pulls back he’s frowning a little. You can feel his trepidation over what he’s about to say. He’s not sure how you’ll react and like you, he doesn’t want to argue.

“You have to give me some time sweetheart. If I up and leave tomorrow they’ll definitely come after me and they’ll be no way to get to you safely. Snoke. . “ he breaks eye contact with you, embarrassed for having to admit he’s weak. “He’s still stronger than me and he can still get in my head. He can’t see what I’m seeing or anything, just memories when I’m near him but I. . he’s . . I can hear-”

“You can hear his voice in your head and he’s been the voice in your head since you were little.”

His eyes widen at your words. “I’ve seen your past remember? I’ve been in your head just like you’ve been in mine. There’s not much I haven’t seen of the childhood he took away from you. There’s a few things I have questions about but we don’t need to talk about that now,” you run your hand through his hair. “How much time do you need? You’ve kept me waiting long enough. You’ve kept us _all_ waiting long enough.”

“There’s a lot to consider here. I can’t just show up at the Resistance base and expect a warm welcome. I. . I’ve done a lot of horrible things to a lot of people. I’m not going to be welcomed with open arms. I need to make sure Snoke knows nothing of my intention to leave or my reason for leaving,” he smiles and rubs his thumb across your bottom lip. "I also thought it may be good for me to wait until we hear from Hux’s spy again to make sure the Resistance base is still in an unknown location. After I have that taken care of I promise I’ll come to you.” 

He’s right about his reception being less than pleasant when he returns to the Resistance base. You honestly hadn’t thought about how that would play out if you managed to get Ben to come home. Additionally, him staying long enough to find out what information the spy knows would be helpful. Making sure Snoke isn’t on his heels is also a good idea. Even so, you don’t want to admit that to him because you’re impatient and he’s kept you waiting long enough.

“Your mother will _definitely_ take care of how well you’re ‘welcomed’ when you get to the base. I’m pretty sure she’s had a plan in place since you first left. Han. . you have no idea Ben. . Even Poe will be happy to see you.”

He snorts and rubs your cheek with his thumb. “Yeah right. Now he’ll have to compete for your attention and affection,” he grumbles the last part. 

“There’s no competition obviously and don’t you dare start that jealousy crap or I swear to god you’ll regret it. Plus, he’s been a lot nicer about you since he almost killed you. You guys are going to be BFF’s in no time. Then I’ll be the one competing for your affection.”

“BFF’s?”

“Best Friends Forever idiot.”

“I’d rather kiss a wookie,” he snorts again. When you look at him questionably he stammers. “N-not Chewie. . gross.”

You laugh and snuggled back into him. “I guess I can wait a little bit longer but can I tell Han and Leia right away.” You’re not above begging when you hear him sigh. “Please. Please. Please. Please,” you say with a kiss to his neck between each word. His breath catches and he tips his chin up to give you better access. “Fine. . but only if you promise to keep doing that,” he rasps. 

You laugh against his neck before pulling back to look up at him. “Okay deal,” you say while yawning.

“You should sleep,” he says against your head. 

“But you won’t be here when I wake up,” you say through another yawn.

“I know,” he sighs. “But I will be soon.”

You nod and bury your head back into his chest. “What made you change your mind?” 

“Let’s just say I received some advice from an unexpected source. A wake up call in a way. . a warning really.”

He pulls you in a bit tighter and pulls the blanket over the both of you. 

“Goodnight sweetheart.”

“Night Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a Doctor Who reference. I wonder if any of you caught it.
> 
> The bleeding of the kyber crystal vision is from The Rise of Kylo Ren comics. The little memories in between were all me though. 
> 
> The info on bleeding is from Wookiepedia.


	14. Venus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a confession and proves his loyalty.
> 
> The two of you grow even closer and more truths come out.
> 
> Also, Luke Skywalker is the absolute worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning guys, this chapter is long AF. 
> 
> It wasn't intentional. I just couldn't find a good stopping point.
> 
> PS- More smut since I made everyone wait like. . 13 chapters to get handsy.
> 
> One more thing: [PearlsValeMel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlsvalemel) is the lovely precious angel that helped with the smut this time. IS2G I'll be an adult and do it on my own. . at some point.

* * *

_  
I was a billion little pieces_   
_'Til you pulled me into focus._   
_Astronomy in reverse,_   
_It was me who was discovered._   
_I thought I'd never find you,_   
_When suddenly I saw you._   
_Like a telescope,_   
_I will pull you so close,_   
_'Til no space lies in between._   
_Then suddenly I see you._

_Sleeping At Last - Venus_

* * *

Ben is gone when you wake up but that doesn’t stop a huge smile from spreading ear to ear. At first you're afraid the entire thing was a dream because it's almost too good to be true. So far, nothing has gone right between the two of you so to think something is finally working out in your favor is hard to believe. If the spot next to you wasn’t warm, you would definitely think you had made everything up. You quickly get dressed and bolt through the Falcon towards the cockpit. Chewie, Han, and Poe are sitting around the Dejarik table drinking caf when you bolt around the corner. The three of them look at you questionably, wondering what has you so excited.

“I’ve got really good news!" You're practically bouncing up and down. Only when Poe smirks do you realize your shirt is only buttoned up half way. Rolling your eyes, you look down and start to button your shirt the rest of the way up. “Ya know, if you do that around Ben he’s going to end up Force choking you so you may want to get it out of your system before he gets here.” You count backwards from five, wondering how long it will take them to absorb what you just said. You only get to three before they jump to their feet and start talking all at once.

"Ben’s coming here? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Poe asks.

“Ben’s coming home?” Han asks and Chewie growls to make it clear he would also like to know the answer to that question. 

“I talked to him last night. He said he’d leave the First Order and Snoke and come home! He wasn’t lying either! I can tell when he lies and he was being completely honest!” 

Han keeps staring at you like you've grown a second head, unable to believe his son is actually coming home to him and Leia. You take a step closer to him and place a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Han. . Ben’s coming home,” you say with tears in your eyes. His eyes are equally glossy when he reaches out and pulls you into his chest, hugging you tightly. You eagerly hug him back, happy to be able to share this news with him. If only Leia were here to hear the news first hand instead over a com unit. 

“Thank you,” he whispers into your ear. Chewie waits until Han releases you to give you a hug that's a bit tighter than you're used to.

“So how does this work? He can’t just walk out the door and expect Snoke and the First Order to wish him good luck. Does he have a plan? Do _you_ have a plan? Should _we_ have a plan?” Poe asks you while crossing his arms.

“He does kinda.” When everyone gives you a questioning look you know they're waiting for you to elaborate.

“Okay so he didn’t give me a detailed plan he just said to give him a little bit of time. He wants to make sure Snoke has no idea what’s going on before he leaves because he doesn’t want to put any of us in danger. He’s also going to find out exactly how much the First Order knows about the Resistance to make sure the base is safe and what not, for now. That’s basically all I know.” The three of them are staring off towards various areas of the Falcon while lost in thought.

“I told him we could pick him up in the Falcon today if he let us but biding his time will probably work out better in the long run. Also, we need to get a hold of Leia right away. Not just to tell her the news but to figure out how this is all going to work.”

“What do you mean?” Han asks. 

“Did you guys forget Ben is also known as Kylo Ren? If he’s kept his helmet on when out in public it should be easy enough to keep that information a secret. Especially since everyone thinks Ben Solo is dead. As long as he’s been good about keeping his face hidden I think we’ll be okay. Leia should figure out how she’ll handle things if the truth does come out though. Ben wouldn’t admit it out loud but he’s nervous about how things will be once he gets back to base. I told him Leia more than likely has some sort of plan in place.”

When you finally stop talking, you're met with blank stares and not a single response. “What the hell? Did I stutter? Let’s go!” you clap twice to snap them out of their trance like states. “We have to call Leia! Since Ben is going to be on our side I don’t see any point in wasting anymore time here on Ahch-To. I think it would be best to go back to the base and wait to hear from Ben. We should be ready to leave at a moment's notice,” you nod in their direction and turn to walk towards the cockpit without bothering to see if they're following.

* * *

You spend the majority of your day in the clearing where you had seen Anakin, combing through the Jedi texts and the lightsaber parts. The lightsaber he had suggested you make is a “Guard Shoto Saber” or a “Lightsaber Tonfa.” It's a unique style and you probably wouldn't have chosen that style on your own but you’re going to take a shot and trust Anakin’s judgement. Honestly, you don’t want a regular straight saber like the few you have seen. Ben’s lightsaber is the most unique one you’ve seen so far, despite it being extremely unsafe and occasionally unstable. Just like it’s owner at times.

According to the text-

"The Guard Shoto Saber (Lightsaber Tonfa):  
The lightsaber hilt is set at a 90 degree angle to the blade which allows the wielder to quickly change from attacking to defense with one movement, block an attack, and counter attack. This style of lightsaber is hard to master but very effective once trained properly. Especially when used in conjunction with the Shien form of battle."

“Interesting,” you mumble to yourself as you set the book down in front of you. A moment later you feel Ben trying to open the bond between you. If he's reaching out to you intentionally it meant something is wrong. 

_“What’s wrong? Something’s wrong. What is it Ben?”_

_“I figured out who the spy is but I’m a bit too late. Hux knows where the Resistance base is. You have to contact my mother immediately and have her and the rest of the Resistance evacuate the planet they’re on. I don’t know how much time they have but I’ll do my best to stall as long as possible.”_

You’re running before Ben can say another word “Poe! Han! Chewie!” You yell as you approach the Falcon.

_“Sweetheart you’re panicking. It will be okay calm down”_

“Don’t tell me to calm down Ben!” You accidentally say out loud as Poe hurries down the Falcon's ramp. He gives you a questioning look but decides to let it go.

“What’s wrong?”

“The First Order know’s where the Resistance base is. They’re going to use the weapon they used on Takodana. We need to contact Leia immediately.”

Poe’s eyes widen before he turns on his heel and jogs up the Falcon’s ramp to com Leia. You enter the cockpit as the call connects and a petite blonde girl answers. She immediately begins to flirt with Poe the moment she sees him. She even leans over the holo projector smirking and sticking her chest out a bit more than necessary. Poe tries to tell her to stop using his eyes only, a silent warning of what is most likely about to happen. When she opens her mouth to speak you cut her off.

“This is a family emergency. Put your tits away and go get the General _now_ ,” you practically yell at the girl. 

Her eyes widen then narrow at you with irritation. She scoffs but does as she's told. You can feel how amused Ben is through the bond when he chuckles.

_“What’s so funny? Can you hear or see what just happened?”_

_“I can see and/or hear your surroundings occasionally but it's rare. It really depends on how focused you are on keeping your guard up. You’re panicking right now so I can see glimpses of what you’re seeing if I concentrate. For example, I saw that girls face when you yelled at her.”_

_“We don’t have time to deal with that shit right now and if she looks at me like that in person I’m going to Force choke her.”_

_“That’s my girl.”_

You can’t stop the blood that rushes to your cheeks. Poe glances at you then rolls his eyes, glad he can’t hear the conversation that's privately taking place between the two of you. Leia quickly enters the room and all but runs to the holo projector.

“Is everything okay? Where’s Han? Is Ben okay?” Hearing Leia ask about him with so much concern in her voice causes a rush of emotions to crash over Ben and flow through the bond. Emotions he hasn’t felt in quite some time and had almost forgotten what they felt like. He missed his mother and he hadn’t realized just how much until this moment.

“The First Order knows where you guys are. You have to leave immediately. Ben's going to try and stall to buy you guys more time but he’s not sure how much good that will do.”

“Ben. . he told you all this?” The look in her eyes almost brings tears to your own. You guys had told her Ben had decided to leave the First Order earlier in the morning but it was like she hadn’t fully allowed herself to believe it until now.

“Yes he did. He also found out who the spy is so you guys may want to take care of that before relocating.”

“Who?” Poe and Leia ask at the same time.

_“Beaumont. That’s the only thing I know. I’m not sure if that’s a nickname or his real name.”_

Poe and Leia are quietly staring back at you expectantly while you have a telepathic conversation with your boyfriend who happens to be on the other side of the galaxy. You have to bite back a laugh at the absurdity that is your life now. 

_“Boyfriend? What does that mean?”_ Your eyes widen when you realize he's heard your mind wander. Poe clears his throat with a hint of irritation, waiting for you to answer their question.

“Sorry. It’s someone named Beaumont? That’s the only name Ben has.” Poe runs both hands over his face and sighs at the same time Leia does.

“I take it you guys know him?” 

Poe nods and the two of you watch as Leia turns and leaves the room. You can't make out what was said but you hear yelling and see several people run by the open door. Leia comes back a moment later with an agitated expression on her face. An older looking man makes the mistake of popping his head into the room to ask something but Leia cuts him off.

“Not another word until Beaumont is found and make sure everyone is preparing to evacuate the planet!” 

_“Good to see my mother is still terrifying when she’s angry.”_

You hide your smile behind your hand to avoid another pointed glare from Poe. Leia gives you and Poe a small smile after making sure no one else is in the room with her. 

“Are you planning on staying on Ahch-To much longer?” Leia asks with worry.

“Honestly, no I don’t think so. We were going to come back to base soon and wait for Ben to contact us but we’ll have to wait until you guys relocate. We can meet you there and decide on what to do next.”

“And Luke?” Leia tries to sound impassive but it’s hard to miss the slight hint of hope in her voice. 

“Leia I’m sorry. Every time him and I talk it ends up being about Ben and the two of us have _very_ different opinions on the subject. I tried. He’s not coming back with us unless Han and Chewie can work some sort of miracle. We’ve been here long enough that if he was going to change his mind he would have by now," you sigh and look down at your feet, not wanting to see the look of disappointment that's most likely on her face.

_“Snoke is summoning me.”_

The bond closes and Ben’s walls go up in an instant. You try not to worry about him but the mere mention of him being in Snoke’s presence makes you anxious. You just hope when you see him next he won’t be covered in fresh wounds.

* * *

Three days pass before you see Ben again but this time when you wake up you're in his bed instead of your own. You’re not sure how long you’ve been asleep when you feel something lightly trace back and fourth on your cheek. When your eyes slowly flutter open, Ben is lying on his side facing you and lightly running his knuckles along your cheek with a look of complete and total adoration. 

“Sorry for waking you,” he says quietly.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind waking up next to you,” you smile at him expecting to receive a smile in return. Instead, he pulls you against his chest and breathes you in, resting his head on top of yours. He’s wearing a plain black tight fitting shirt and the same loose sleep pants you had seen him in before. You’re tempted to pull his shirt off so you can feel the warmth of his skin but something is bothering him. Worried, you slightly pull your head back to look up at him. He innocently lifts the back of your shirt just enough to rub gentle circles on your lower back. It's as if just the skin on skin contact soothes him because he sighs deeply and closes his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I can’t explain it but I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something bad to you and I-” he pauses. His throat is tight with emotion so he closes his eyes and tries to calm down. With the hand you’re not laying on, you cup his cheek gently. “Look at me Ben." He slowly opens his eyes and stares back at you. 

“Nothing is going to happen to me. Not while we’re together. We’re strong individually but together we're a force that could shake the stars. Only a complete dumbass would try and cross us. Besides, why would the Force work so hard to bring us together just so something could happen to one of us? That makes no sense at all.” You remove your hand from his cheek and run it through his hair as he props himself up on one elbow so he can lean over you slightly. You can’t help but wonder, should something happen to you, would he go back to the dark side, back to Snoke? Or would he stay on the right path, the path he’s on now.

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” he murmurs and cups your head with his large hand, rubbing his thumb against your cheek. 

“Ben...”

“I was lost before. I've been lost for a while now but I was too blind to realize it. I was going day to day doing what Snoke expected of me with no real sense of purpose or hope for anything better. But I know now that everything that’s happened has led me to this moment. I finally know my purpose is you, it always has been. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t care because as long as I’m with you I know I’m on the right path.”

For the first time in your life, you’re completely speechless. No one has ever looked at you the way he is which is something you’re starting to get used to but to openly hear him confess exactly how much you mean to him is overwhelming you in every sense of the word. You don’t realize you’re crying until he wipes the tears away with his thumb. 

“I need you to promise me something,” you say as you cover his hand with yours. He nods and continues to rub your cheek with his thumb.

“Promise me that no matter what happens, you’ll stay on the path you’re on. The path that leads to your parents and keeps you in the light. Promise me no matter how upset or angry you are, you won’t go back to the dark side or back to Snoke.”

His brow furrows as he takes in your words and his thumb ceases it’s movement on your cheek.

“I-”

“Promise me Ben,” you say with more severity so he fully understands how important this is to you.

“I promise,” he says and exhales deeply through his nose.

He leans over you further until his face is an inch above yours. “I need you so badly,” is the only warning you get before his lips are on yours. The kiss is less clumsy than last time, but clearly more desperate. There's a familiar flame licking up your spine, its warmth creeping and spreading on your skin following Ben's wandering but still unsure hands on your body. His touches are at times hesitant, as if he's trying desperately to contain himself. But you don't want that, not now, not when you can actually feel how badly he needs you, in more ways than one.

Ben lets out a little whimper that you swallow eagerly. You remember how powerful you felt seeing him fell apart just from the touch of your hands. Fingers that looked so tiny and almost delicate wrapped around his cock. You close the distance between you both even more, crushing your body to his own. You want more, even if it scares you a little. The rush of pleasure, discovery of your bodies, the sense of both power and vulnerability that such intimate gestures elicit in you. The bond hums in anticipation and shyness, yours or his, you can't tell. 

It's all so new, but thrilling and exciting. You've always been eager to discover and learn new things. Ben once offered to be your teacher, even though circumstance has prevented that from coming to fruition, but you're both still learning when it comes to this. You pull away slightly and tug at the hem of his shirt. Taking the hint, he quickly pulls his shirt off and tosses it somewhere off to the side of the bed. 

Ben gasps as you let your hand wonder in his lap, palming the hardness growing underneath his pants. You waste no time loosening the fastenings, ignoring how his fingers tremble as he tries to unbutton the loose shirt you’re wearing. You can feel Ben's eagerness touch the bond, mixed with a blend of anxiety, when you roll him onto his back and shimmy down his body until your face is hovering above his cock and your legs are straddling his. 

"What are you…"

Words die in his mouths as your hand closes tightly around his cock, already red and weeping under your ministrations. You follow a throbbing vein on the underside with the point of your tongue, letting it swirl on the head to have a first taste of him. His choking sound makes you lift your gaze, as your lips wrap on their own around his head.

Ben is completely flushed, red creeping up his neck and reaching the shell of his ears, and the way he looks at you, eyes dark and wide as if he can't believe what's happening, makes something quiver and ignite deep in your core. There's no denying who's in control right now. Even if Ben's taste makes you squirm, even if his ragged breaths and barely restrained moans make you want to touch yourself and relieve the aching burn between your legs. His cock is still cradled between your lips and with every stroke of your tongue his hands clench and un-clench at his sides, reaching occasionally for your head but retreating at the last second. When you try to take him deeper into your mouth Ben almost chokes on his own breath, and his fingers bury in your hair with a garbled moan. 

"You are so… your mouth-," he rasps. His eyes are almost dreamy when he whispers: "Perfect."

You hum at the praise, pleasure vibrating within your bones, sinking even more onto him as you let your hand delve under the waistband of the leggings you sleep in, finding your folds wet and warm and ready. The sight of you pleasuring yourself is the last straw for Ben. A violent shudder rocks his entire body as he cums with a choked groan, bursting into your mouth.

You feel drunk and unstable under the force of your combined pleasure that surges through your bond. Ben sits up quickly, lifts you under the arms until you’re slumped against his chest. His cheeks are still flushed as he watches you like you're a miracle, while his lips open and close twice uselessly, without a sound. He looks so young and vulnerable, the awe and pleasure in his eyes smoothing his severe features and intensifying the look of complete devotion. You reach for his face and gently rub his cheek with your thumb as your eyelids become heavier and heavier. When your thumb starts to move slower and your eyes start to flutter closed, Ben takes your hand in his and kisses it before placing it on his chest and covering it with his own. 

The last thing you remember before succumbing to sleep is him kissing the top of your head and whispering “goodnight sweetheart.”

* * *

You wake up with a smile on your face knowing that soon you’ll get to fall asleep with Ben and not have to worry about waking up alone, like you are now. After dressing quickly you make your way down the Falcon’s ramp with your crate of lightsaber parts and your books. To your surprise, Chewie and Han are outside sifting through the several large storage containers you had seen scattered around the Falcon.

“What are you up to?” You ask as you walk up to Han. Chewie growls [Hi Princess] and ruffles your already unruly hair as he passes you on his way up the ramp. 

“Furball over there insists we have extra wire and a spare calcinator in one of these storage containers. The current one still has some life in her but we have time so we might as well replace it. Leia should be contacting me by tomorrow to let us know where they’re at.”

You're about to leave when you realize you haven’t seen Poe lately. "Hey where’s Poe? I haven’t seen him in a while.” 

“I don’t know kid. The last couple times I’ve seen him he’s been with Luke. He’s been spendin a lot of time with him.”

You groan and roll your eyes. “Great. Poe’s going to come back and lecture us about how evil Ben is and how he can’t be trusted.” 

Han chuckles. “I think Poe’s learned not to piss you off and nothing seems to piss you off as much as bad mouthing my son.”

“That’s true. Okay I’ll see you guys later.” 

When you finally get to your clearing you sit in the center to ensure you have plenty of space. After turning and dumping the contents of the crate in front of you, you spread them out around you, and flip the book open to the appropriate pages. After reading for a bit, getting a general sense of how to even begin building your saber, you start going through the parts meticulously, examining each one to determine where it would be useful.

You're concentrating so hard that you don’t feel the bond open. You let out a very unflattering yelp when two large arms wrap around you from behind. Realizing it's Ben a moment too late, you pull your elbow back and ram it into his stomach. There’s a loud thud and groan as he falls onto his side next to you.

“I’m sorry!” You chuckle as you crawl over to where he’s laying in the grass. “Now you know it’s a bad idea to sneak up on me.” 

“Ugh,” he groans and rubs his stomach. “I thought you felt the bond open,” he whines. On your knees next to him you hover above him and stare down into his eyes. His hair is fanned out in the grass underneath him and his whisky colored eyes stare back at you. You hadn't noticed just how beautiful and uniquely colored his eyes are until that moment as he laid in the grass underneath the bright rays of the sun. 

“In a way, it’s nice to know how you’ll react if a strange man tries to sneak up on you,” he smirks and starts to reach up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear but pauses when he sees the look on your face.

“What? What’s wrong?” He asks anxiously.

“You’re beautiful,” you whisper to him. Without warning, he pulls you down on top of him and presses his lips against yours with bruising force. You respond in kind by opening your mouth to gently swipe his bottom lip with your tongue. He lets out a low groan before opening his mouth for you, taking the opportunity to slide his tongue past your lips. The kiss becomes heated extremely fast and for a moment you forget you're out in the open in the middle of the day. If Ben realizes cares he doesn't show it. With great effort, you press your hands against his chest and push yourself away from his mouth, laughing when he tries to chase your lips with his. Once you’re out of reach he frowns at you and pouts like a child. You can't help but laugh at the look on his face before turning your attention back to your book. He leans into you and places one hand on your thigh while reaching out for the Jedi text with the other.

“Are you trying to make your own lightsaber? Where did you get this book? I’ve only read it once but it would have been extremely useful to have when modifying my lightsaber.” You just got a glimpse of the nerdy boy with a bookshelf crammed to the brim with books he’s more than likely read multiple times. The real Ben Solo was emerging more and more with each passing day and you couldn't be happier.

“What do you think of this style?” You slide the book over to him and point at the illustration of the lightsaber Anakin had suggested.

“The Guard Shoto? Really?” 

“Is that bad?”

“No, it’s not bad. It’s not the first style I would have picked for you that’s all. I guess it makes sense considering your fighting style. What made you choose this style and are these the parts you are using?”

Since meeting Ben he hasn't spoken this much in one sitting or asked this many questions all at once. It's hard not to smile until you realize you have to tell him about your conversation with Anakin. 

“Uh. . well . . I had an unexpected visitor. He told me I should go with that style and even picked out the parts for me to use. Now I just have to figure out where to go from here.”

“An unexpected visitor? Who?”

“Well. . “ Your anxiety climbs and Ben frowns when he realizes you're worried and hiding something from him. He gently places a finger under your chin, forcing you to look at him when you start to turn away.

“Who?”

“Anakin Skywalker,” you mumble. Ben looks at you with disbelief. “I told him to leave. I told him he should go to you but he said you don’t need him. He saw me with the crate of parts Luke gave me and told me I should use these and suggested that saber style. I figured you might be mad at me even though it's completely not my fault your grandfather decided to pay me a visit. Are you mad?”

When Ben doesn’t answer, you wave your hand in front of his face and snap once to get his attention. He blinks a few times and interlaces your fingers with his when he sees the frown on your face.

“Sorry sweetheart. No, I’m not mad. It’s just strange knowing he’s actually around. I’ve been trying to speak to him for years but it’s never happened. I guess I wasn’t worth his time,” Ben scoffs.

“I don’t think that’s it. I think he thought appearing to you would only send you further down the wrong path. I didn’t really get much clarification on anything really. He’s just as evasive as you and Luke are when it comes to getting questions answered,” you say and give his hand a squeeze. You decide to change the subject seeing as Ben is trying to hide the disappointment he feels at being somewhat rejected by his own grandfather. 

“He didn’t come just to see me or talk about me. He actually came to talk about you in a way. Well. . sorta.” After releasing his hand, you crawl over to the half full crate of spare parts and hand the crate to Ben.

“What’s all this?” He asks as he takes the crate from you. He adjusts his position by crossing his legs in front of him to make room for the it. Seeing one of the leaders of the First Order sitting with his legs crossed with an eager look on his face is both cute and funny. He was in the full Kylo Ren get up, cowl, boots, and all. The only thing missing was his helmet which made the scene unfolding in front of you even funnier. 

“Those are the parts Anakin said you should use to rebuild your lightsaber once you’ve healed your crystal,” you say while suppressing a giggle.

Ben’s eyes widened as he looked from you to the crate next to him. “He really said I should rebuild it using these parts?”

“Yep. Your crystal isn’t healthy. He said you should be able to heal it but it'll take time. Either way, your current saber is really dangerous. Those are the parts he picked out for you and these are the parts he picked out for me.” Ben tries to hide his eagerness as he starts to shift through the pile with more enthusiasm than he would have if you hadn’t told him they were handpicked by his grandfather.

“I did manage to get one question answered before he left though.” 

“Which question?” He asks, even though he's barely listening to you. His focus is almost entirely on the contents of the crate.

“Why his lightsaber and this kyber crystal were waiting for me.” You're looking down at the book but glance at Ben when he's silent for a beat too long. He's staring back at you confused.

“After Luke brought me to temple he left me inside and told me there was a box in the ship and that its contents were meant for me. That’s how I got Anakin's saber and that’s where I got this kyber crystal.” You reach up and roll the crystal hanging around your neck between your fingers.

“What did he say?” Ben asks quietly with all of his attention now on you.

“He said the crystal was from Padme’s lightsaber. When I asked why Skywalker stuff was waiting for me he said it’s because I’m your other half. While I’m in the light you are in the dark and until you realize your place is in the light with me, neither crystals will respond to you. I asked him to elaborate but he ignored me. When I asked if he knew why we have the connection we do all he said is that we’d find out soon, then he left.”

When Ben doesn't respond you decide to ask him a question that's been bothering you for quite a while. “Can I ask you something?” You scoot even closer to him until you’re flush against his side. He doesn’t respond but he gives you a small nod, encouraging you to continue.

“What happened that night at the temple? I’ve seen glimpses from your memories but not everything. I've heard rumors but I’d rather hear the truth directly from you instead of listening to them. You didn’t know me the night I got back with Luke so why did you try to kill me? When did you figure out it was me that night? I figured out it was you on Takodana when you ignited your lightsaber.”

He pushes aside the parts he was so interested in moments ago and gets to his feet. He sighs deeply and starts to pace in front of you while he runs his hands through his hair. You’re not sure what could have possibly happened that could be worse than what you’ve seen so you’re not sure why he’s getting so worked up over answering your question. You get to your feet and stop him from pacing by standing in his way and placing your hands on his shoulders.

“Before Luke left he said he was going to pick up someone ‘important’, someone powerful in the ways of the Force. That’s all I knew about you. When you got back you were with Luke so I assumed you were a threat. I wasn't trying to kill you per say. I figured out it was you I had seen that night while on Takodana as well but not until after my grandfathers lightsaber exploded. While I was unconscious I saw glimpses of that night and realized it was you."

“That somewhat explains why you weren’t exactly welcoming when you saw me but why would it matter whether or not I was with Luke? Please just tell me what happened, from the beginning. There’s something you’re both not telling me and I’m tired of it. How can you expect me to trust you when I know for a fact you’re keeping things from me?” He's staring at you like he’s trying to determine whether or not you’ll believe his version of the events that took place that night. "Ben, you know I'll believe your side of the story before I believe anyone else's right?" He wasn't projecting his thoughts but the look on his face gave him away. 

You cover his hands with yours when he gently places them on either side of your face and presses his forehead against yours. He opens his mouth to speak but stops when you both hear a loud gasp coming from the other end of the clearing. The two of you turn towards the intruder at the same time. Luke's eyes are filled with a mix of fear and anger. Ben doesn’t move or say anything but the look he gives his uncle would strike fear in most men. You’re still staring at Luke when Ben takes your chin gently in his hand and turns your face towards his.

“You want to know what happened that night? You want to know the truth?” You swallow thickly and nod. “Then ask him,” Ben says before the bond closes and he disappears.

“What was he doing here? Have you been able to see him this whole time? That’s it isn’t it? That’s why you so vehemently defend him no matter how ugly the truth is, you still deny it all for a pair of pretty eyes,” Luke seethes.

Angrily you approach Luke until you're an arms reach away. “You’ve been a useless asshole since we got here. I went out of my damn way and almost died a few times to get here for Leia. You’ve been a complete waste of time and quite frankly, a disappointment. I’m tired of you guys avoiding the question. I was at the damn temple that night I deserve to know what really happened!"

“What did _he_ tell you?” Luke asks with a tone that suggests he knows no matter what he says, you'll still believe Ben over him. He's completely right but you aren't about to admit it. 

“He hasn't told me anything! Every time I’ve asked about it he changes the subject. The best answer I’ve gotten out of him was just now when he said to ask you. So you’re going to tell me what the kriff happened right now.” Luke narrows his eyes at you as he decides what to say. “Stop looking at me like that and tell me the truth Luke. After all I’ve been through I deserve that much.”

“Fine I'll tell you but it won't make a difference. It's obvious you've already made your mind up about him. Leia and Han sent Ben to me to help him learn the ways of the Force. They had no idea how to help him with not only his abilities but the darkness he was battling. Ben was withdrawn from the beginning. Everyone could sense the darkness in him, his anger, his power. The others were afraid of him,” Luke said as he stares off into the distance, apparently lost in the past as he continues to speak.

“I sensed Ben’s resolve the night I returned with you. When I told you to go to the ship if anything happened, I went to check on him. There was no sign of trouble and I was unarmed as I looked down at where he was lying in bed. The Force was rippling with danger. Ben’s eyes snapped open and his hand reached out in my direction before he pulled the ceiling down on top of the both of us. From what I gather, he was under the impression I was dead. When I came to, the temple was on fire, you were gone, he was gone, and his fellow students were slaughtered. Leia blames Snoke but it’s not completely Snoke’s fault. I failed him just like everyone else did but that doesn’t excuse what he’s done, who he’s become. I may not have been able to keep him in the light but he didn’t have to choose the dark.” 

He starts to walk away, not bothering to see your reaction or wait to hear if you have a response. You're rooted to your spot, absorbing everything you were finally told. You're happy to finally have answers but something doesn’t sit well with you. He's is still keeping things from you. That’s not exactly how things went down and you know it. You quickly turn and do your best to catch up to Luke who has somehow gotten a lot farther than you had expected him to in such a short amount of time.

“That’s not all is it? There’s something else. I _know_ you’re leaving something out! Ben may have gone to the dark side but there’s no way he would have tried to kill you out of the blue for no reason at all. What aren’t you telling me damn it?” You yell as you trail behind him.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe he’s not the man he’s made you think he is? You know all the pain he’s caused the galaxy, how could you _still_ think there’s light in him?” Luke says as he continues to walk away from you.

“Because I know him better than you do, better than all of you do. None of you will ever understand the connection we share and quite frankly, you don’t deserve to. What him and I have is between us. He’s not the person you’re portraying him to be. Why is it so hard for _you_ to believe he truly has come back to the light? Why are you fighting this so hard? I don’t understand.”

Luke says nothing as he enters his hut and closes the door behind him. You didn't realize the two of you were headed towards his hut until you got there. You're trying extremely hard not to lose your temper. It takes every ounce of patience you have to not put your boot through the rickety wooden door. After taking a few deep and steady breaths to center yourself, you walk away from Luke's hut. 

While walking back to the Falcon you feel a familiar pull in the same area of the mysterious cave you had passed the last time you were in the same area. This time Poe isn’t nearby to stop you from entering it. Realistically, entering a dark damp cave alone when no one knows where you are is probably a bad idea but that doesn’t stop you from walking inside once you find the entrance. The pull is too strong and your curiosity is peaked. You have to know what’s in their and why you’re so drawn to it. 

When you enter the cave you notice a large hole in the center of the cavern floor that's surrounded by reddish moss. You carefully approach the hole, not wanting to get too close to it out of fear of falling in. But you know whatever is calling out to you is most likely down in the darkness. After lowering yourself to your knees, you crawl towards the very edge of the opening and look down. It's pitch black and holds no sign of what may be down at the bottom. You lift your hand to retrieve Leia’s saber with the intention of using it as a make shift light. But before you can, your hand slips and you fall head first into the darkness. 

The opening in the cave floor drops you into a much larger section of the cave. Icy water that's so cold it feels like its cutting through your skin is what stops your fall. Struggling to the surface, you gasp for air and wipe the salt water from your eyes as best as you can to stop the sting. When you get your bearings you swim to a large flat stone to your left and take in your surroundings. Apparently the ‘cave’ you thought you entered was merely a glimpse of the actual cave which you were actually standing in. 

The sea had carved away beneath the lip of the cliff, creating a hidden place beneath the island. It’s existence revealed only by the hole you had fallen down. Your heart begins to beat wildly when you realize you have no idea how to get out of there. There's no way you’ll be able to go back the way you came. The cave ceiling is too high and the hole is out of reach. You lean your back against the cave wall and rack your mind for ways to get out of your current predicament. Even though you're leaning against a wall, you have the distinct feeling someone is standing behind you. Your hand automatically goes to your belt, preparing to ignite your lightsaber at any moment should danger present itself.

When you turn to face the wall there’s no one there, just your reflection but beyond that there was more. This is no ordinary cave and you didn’t stumble upon it by accident. You're meant to be here even though you have no idea why. On the other side of the wall you start to see a shadow forming in the shape of a person. You can’t make out who it is but you know they mean you no harm. You watch as the shadow slowly approaches you, outstretches their hand, and places it against the other side of the smooth wall. Hesitantly, you reach out and press your hand on the cave wall against the hand resting on the other side. As soon as your hand is pressed against theirs, the hand retreats slightly before slamming against your hand roughly, shaking the wall between the two of you. A blinding white light flashes and the world around you shifts. After you lose your balance and land on your hands and knees you raise your head to look around. The cave is gone and you're back at the Jedi temple the night it was destroyed.

* * *

It’s extremely weird and slightly uncomfortable to see yourself from an outsiders perspective. You’re standing next to Luke when he tells you to leave no matter what happens. It starts to rain quite heavily when you sense Ben nearby. Knowing what happens with Luke and not needing to overhear the conversation again, you walk away from him and your past self and head towards Ben. 

As you approach an outcropping of huts, you zero in on the one you know is his. Taking a deep breath, you reach out and open the small door and enter the hut. Ben is asleep on a rather small bed with his back towards the door. You can’t help but smile when you notice a calligraphy set and a stack of books. Hesitantly you inch your way closer to him. You can't help but gaze at the assortment of moles and freckles scattered across his back along the soft and not yet scarred skin. 

The door quietly opens behind you, breaking you from your train of thought. To your surprise, Luke enters Ben’s room. He doesn’t look around like you did as he inches closer to the side of Ben’s bed next to where you're standing. You give Luke a questioning look as if he’ll layout his intentions audibly for you while you watch him stare down at his nephew. He looks conflicted, like he’s internally struggling over something. When his hand goes to the lightsaber hooked on his belt, your eyes widen in disbelief. There’s no way what you think might happen is actually going to happen. Luke wouldn't kill his own nephew, there's no way he would ever do that to Han and Leia. Proving you wrong, Luke ignites his saber and starts to lift it over his head. On reflex you jump in front of Ben and yell.

“LUKE STOP! DON'T!” 

At your words, Ben’s head snaps in your direction and his eyes meet yours momentarily. You suck in a breath, a little shocked and unsure whether or not he actually heard you just like before. Even though Luke doesn’t bring his saber down, you know he hadn't heard you. Ben’s eyes leave yours and snap to Luke and the two of them stare each other down for a fraction of a second before Ben’s hand quickly shoots out and calls his lightsaber to him using the Force. Before Luke can react, Ben’s other hand aims in his direction. 

“BEN NO!”

Ben closes his fingers into a fist and pulls the top of the hut down on the three of you, burying you completely. You crouch down and cover your head with your hands as the hut comes down on you. A small groan comes from your right and you realize you’re not in pain or covered in debris. When you crack open your eyes and lower your arms from your head, Ben is crouched down next to you with his hands up, using the Force to keep himself and you, unknowingly, from sharing a similar fate as Luke. He's sweating and clenching his teeth due to the amount of energy he is using to keep from being crushed. With a yell, he pushes the debris outward enough to clear a way out from underneath the remains of what should have been his home. 

When Ben crawls through the opening in the debris, you crawl after him. His hands have a series of small bloody cuts from moving away some of the rubble. When you’re both safely outside, you glance at Ben and are saddened by what you see. His face portrays the utter betrayal and heartbreak he feels knowing his uncle just tried to murder him while he slept. Tears stream down his cheeks before he covers his face with both hands, not bothering to get off of his knees. Torrents of rain pour on the both of you, soaking you completely, just like you remember. 

The vision changes as bits and pieces of memory flash by you. Lightening flashing in the sky, the temple burning, the other students attacking Ben and Ben reluctantly fighting them back. Ben crying and trying to catch his breath after everyone is dead, fully in the throws of a full fledged panic attack. His hands are on his knees as he gasps for air and sobs until his head suddenly jerks up and looks towards where you were at this moment in time. The vision changes again, leaving you next to a familiar looking lake, the one you had seen Tai and Ben talking next to in a previous vision. You look around for Ben but he's nowhere to be found but Luke is. He's sitting on an overturned log and staring out towards the water. Next to him is an older man with white hair and a white beard, dressed in brown robes, and glowing blue like Anakin.

“I don’t know what to do with Ben Obi-Wan. I can feel the darkness slowly taking over him and it only gets worse with each passing day. I don’t know what to do to stop it from escalating. I’m not getting through to him.”

“I can't advise you on this Luke. This is something you must do on your own. Your decision will greatly affect the galaxy as a whole. You must heavily consider your actions before going through with them.”

“Great. That’s really helpful, thank you.”

“And you say I’m disrespectful,” you mutter to yourself and cross your arms as you continue to watch the two Jedi’s converse.

“There is one thing I can suggest but there’s no guarantee it will make a difference. As I said, your decisions decides the outcome.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“A girl.”

"A girl? You think getting Ben a girlfriend will stop him from going to the dark side?” Luke laughs condescendingly.

“She is not an ordinary girl. She is Ben’s equal in more ways than one. If anyone can prevent him from turning to the dark side, it will be her. However, I can’t guarantee she’ll want to come back with you. Even though I can’t guarantee her presence will make a difference, she is important in more ways than one. It’s important you find her either way, regardless of the choices you make, regardless of the choices Ben makes.”

“Why is she so important? What makes her so special? Who is she?”

“I cannot say. The truth will come out eventually, when the time is right. She’s just an average girl, for now.”

“Is her family powerful in the Force?”

“She has no family, not anymore, and no they weren’t. But she is, she just hasn’t realized it yet.”

“So you’re saying a girl with no family, and no knowledge of the Force is so important that I need to leave and find her? She’s the key to Ben’s overall choice between the light and the dark? A nobody?”

“You dick!” You yell at Luke as if he can hear you.

“It doesn’t matter who your parents are or where you come from. The Force is for everyone. Greatness can come from anywhere.” 

Luke sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Where can I find her?” 

Your eyes snap open and you begin to cough and spit out water. You're lying on your back next to the hole you had fallen down, near the cave entrance. Poe is hovering over you, soaking wet with a look of shear panic and fear on his face.

“Are you okay? What the hell happened?” Poe yells as he helps you sit up and pushes the hair out of your eyes. 

“How did I get here? Where did you find me?” You rasp as the coughing subsides.

“I found you right here, unconscious and soaking wet. You’ve been gone for hours. Han and Chewie were worried and sent me to find you once I got back to the Falcon.”

“You found me right here?” You ask confused. You have no idea how you managed to get out of the hidden cavern but you’re grateful it happened. There was no way you would have been able to get out on your own.

“How did you find me?” You ask Poe while he takes your hand in his and helps you to your feet. 

“I don’t know. I just had a feeling I’d find you here. I can’t really explain it,” he says and frowns. Not having answers bothers Poe as much as it bothers you. Looking out the cave entrance, you now know why Poe is wet. It's night out which means you've been out for hours and it’s pouring rain, just like it had that night at the temple. That realization makes the events of the past you just witnessed overwhelm you and the anger you feel is palpable. First, you try to connect with Ben through the bond but he is completely silent. His walls are fortified and there’s no way to even slightly contact him. You’re hoping he’s just blocking you out because he’s with Snoke and not for another reason. Poe sees the look on your face quickly transform into one of rage that is so intense he can practically feel it vibrating off of you.

“What's wrong?”

“I know what happened to Ben. I know what happened that night at the temple and I know what Luke’s been keeping from everyone. Let’s go.” You rip your hand out of Poe’s, quickly leave the cave, and step into the heavy rain. You’re walking so fast you're practically jogging and Poe has to work to keep up with you. 

“What happened? Was it another vision? Will you wait a damn minute and tell me what happened!” Poe yells as you continue to ignore him. Even though you’re practically blinded by rage, you need to get to Han and Chewie. The need to cause physical harm to Luke rises with each step towards the Falcon you take, knowing that not only is he at fault for everything, but that he lied about it to Han and Leia. 

The ramp is lowered to the Falcon when you finally get to it and Han and Chewie are standing at the entrance. Chewie roars loudly to get Han’s attention and points in your direction. It’s hard to see from your distance due to the rain but as you get closer, you realize Han is talking to Luke. The rage you feel is so intense it nearly knocks you to your feet. With a yell that startles everyone around you, you throw your hand out in his direction and use the Force to pull him towards you. Han and Chewie panic and run towards where you now stand as your hand wraps around Luke's throat. When they get too close to you, you put out your other hand out to stop them from approaching. They put their hands up in surrender and stare back at you with concern in their eyes. 

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! It’s your fault! It’s your fault Ben chose the dark side! You betrayed him! You betrayed your family and you lied about it! You lied about Ben and made everyone think he was some sort of mindless monster! You lied to your own sister!” 

You don’t realize you're rage crying until you're choking back a sob and the realization only makes you angrier. Luke raises his hand towards you and uses the Force to knock you off your feet, forcing you to release your hold on him. Han and Chewie take a step towards you, confusion evident on their faces. Poe has enough sense to give you space, remembering what happened when he interfered last time.

“What?” Han asks with disbelief.

“Tell him! Tell him what you did! Tell him the truth!” 

“The dark side is practically lapping at your heels. You’re no better than Ben is, you have the same amount of darkness in you,” Luke says. You unlatch Leia’s lightsaber from your belt and activate it while Luke does the same as you advance on him. 

“The dark side was always with Ben you idiot! It was Snoke the entire time! In his head, telling him no one loved him, telling him no one cared, telling him no one wanted him around. And what did you do? You proved him right!” You turn the saber over in your hand and swing it in an arc towards Luke. To your irritation, he's merely blocking each of your blows instead of fighting back. You pause to catch your breath and continue to yell.

“Han and Leia trusted you and sent their only son to you! He felt abandoned already which Snoke fed off of. Then what you did. . what you did proved him right!”

“There was so much darkness in him. I saw what would happen to the galaxy if-”

“IF!” You yell and advance on him again. “He hadn’t made his choice yet! He hadn’t chosen the dark side over the light! You forced his hand! The darkness inside him was Snoke lurking and biding his time until he could stick his claws into the youngest most vulnerable Skywalker and you practically handed Ben over to him!” 

You advance as if you’re going to attack him on the right hand side, when he falls for it, you drop into a crouch and knock him to his feet. His saber falls out of his hand and rolls away. You point your lightsaber an inch away from his throat and leave it there. Poe picks up Luke's lightsaber but continues to keep his distance. 

“You’re going to tell the truth now. No more lies. I know what happened that night at the temple. So now you’re going to answer the one question I still have. What do you know about the connection Ben and I have? I know you came to find me for a reason. I know about your conversation with Obi-Wan.” Luke's eyes widen with shock. "I was supposedly the only one that could keep Ben from the dark side even though I’m a ‘nobody,’” you sneer. “Obi-Wan said in time you would discover why I am so important when it comes to Ben. I know you know something you’re not telling us and I’m tired of your secrets. Tell me what you know right now!”

Luke glances from you to the other three spectators that are standing nearby and watching everything unfold. When he doesn’t answer right away, you lean the lightsaber a little bit closer to his neck. “You’re a Dyad in the Force! I wasn’t sure until I saw Ben in the clearing. I had a suspicion you two had a bond of some sort since the moment you stepped on Ahch-To. I observed you from afar and what I saw only confirmed that. The way you randomly look in one direction and smile or frown. The way you speak out loud as if he was standing in front of you when you think no one is listening. A Force bond is rare but not unheard of which is why I kept my distance. I see the truth now. That’s why even though you’ve had no training and very little experience using a lightsaber, you use it as if you’ve mastered it. That’s why your fighting style is practically identical to Ben’s. You have the same set of skills he has because you two are bound to one another.”

“What the hell is a Dyad?”

Poe finally speaks up. “Didn’t you read the book Maz left you?” 

“Sorry Poe I’ve been a bit busy. If you know what a Dyad is, please enlighten me,” you say without taking your eyes off of Luke.

“It’s rare. Not seen for generations, according to the book. It means you and Ben share a soul. You're each one half of a whole. The book said one person is light and the other is darkness. They balance each other out.”

“I’m his light. That’s what Anakin meant,” you mumble to yourself and lower the lightsaber just enough for Luke to move out of the way. You don’t care at this point. Enough of the truth has come out and it seems Poe’s somewhat had the answers all along. Really, Luke has no purpose to you, not anymore. 

“He’s my soulmate?” You say a bit louder with disbelief. You try to reach out to Ben but once again, there’s nothing but a wall. Frustrated you deactivate your saber and clip it to your belt. The anger in your tone of voice has left but it hasn't completely left your body. You're exhausted in more ways than one and want nothing more then to leave this stupid planet, get the hell away from Luke, talk to Ben, shower, and go to bed. Exhaustion is suddenly overpowering your anger. You sigh and run your hand through your wet hair to get it out of your eyes. At some point it had fallen out of the messy bun you had it in and is now sticking to your face, making it even harder to see.

“Tell him what happened that night. Tell Han the truth, he deserves to know and so does Leia. If you don’t I will but you should face up to what you’ve done to your family.”

“What is she talking about Luke?” Han yells through the heavy rain. Luke says nothing as he stares back at you. 

“You're an even bigger coward than I thought.”

You turn to Han with a sad look on your face, the anger slowly starting to dissipate. “Luke is the reason Ben went to the dark side. Ben didn’t get up one day and decide to embrace it, he felt like he had no choice. While Ben was sleeping Luke went into his hut, turned on his lightsaber, and raised it over his head. At the last minute Ben woke up and stopped him by bringing the hut down on the both of them. He didn’t burn down the temple and he didn’t willingly kill the other Jedi’s. They refused to listen to him and attacked him so he had no choice but to defend himself. He didn’t think you guys would believe him or forgive him so he went with Snoke.”

You haven’t seen Han angry since meeting him, Chewie yes but not like what you are seeing at the moment. Quite frankly, you're even a bit scared of them even though you know their anger is not directed at you. Han reaches for his blaster but Poe is quick to stop him. When Han tries to shrug out of Poe’s hold, Poe holds on to him tighter.

“Han listen! I understand you’re angry and I would be too. Hell, I don’t really even know Ben that well and I’m pissed off, but Luke is still Leia’s brother. Think about how she’ll feel if she found out you killed him, if she found out any of you killed him. Let him hide out here like the coward knowing he ruined your family. Hell, bring him back with us and let Leia deal with him."

The tingling begins at the base of your neck and you smile knowing Ben is finally reaching out to you. You’re not sure if now is the best time for a chat but you’re excited to tell him you know what really happened that night and so does everyone else. He doesn’t appear in front of you but you can hear him in your head.

_“Ben? Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you! I-”_

He gasps and mumbles your name and an unsettling feeling washes over you immediately.

_“Ben what’s wrong? What’s happening are you-”_

_“I love you. I need you to know that.”_ His voice is extremely strained as if he’s in pain but trying to hide it. Panic slowly starts to overwhelm the glee you feel at hearing him acknowledge his love for you. Ben would never admit something so important through the bond instead of in person which means something is severely wrong.

_“What’s happening? Tell me what’s wrong! is it Snoke? What is he-”_

Ben's walls come down and suddenly you're in excruciating pain. Every nerve in your body is on fire as if you're being electrocuted. Glimpses of what Ben is seeing flash behind your eyes and the pain brings you to your knees. Snoke is standing in front of his throne in the red room you had once seen in a vision, yelling something at Ben and aiming his hand towards him. Bolts of lightening shoot from his fingertips while Snoke holds Ben in place using the Force. You feel as if each bolt of lightening is piercing your body instead of Ben's. At some point you start screaming but you don't realize it until the pain subsides and your throat starts to burn. When the pain stops you hear Ben gasp for air before speaking once more.

_“I love you.”_

The pains gone, the tingling stops, and the bond closes. You’re on your knees gasping for air when you realize what happened. Poe is kneeling next to you worried, but afraid to touch you out of fear he might somehow make your pain worse.

“What the hell? Are you okay? What happened? I am so damn tired of asking you that question,” Poe sighed.

“Ben. . he’s in trouble. I think Snoke might found out he’s planning on leaving. I really don't know what's happening but I know he's in pain. It felt like I was the one being tortured before the bond closed and I can’t sense him anymore. Either he’s keeping me out or Snoke is but he’s in trouble. We have to go.”

You climb to your feet unsteadily and close the gap between you and the Falcon.

“Wait where are you going?”

“Ben’s on the Supremacy. You guys can get me close and I’ll take one of the escape pods to him or you can drop me off somewhere and I’ll steal a ship. I really don’t care but one way or another I’m going to him.”

Your back is to the group as you begin to walk up the ramp when Luke speaks. “You’re a smart kid. You know you're walking into a trap!" You start to stick your hand out in his direction but stop yourself. Instead of using the Force again, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Letting your anger consume you once more won’t do Ben any good. 

“You don’t even know if he’s really in trouble. You said so yourself, it could be Snoke. You’re walking into a trap.”

“Probably," you shrug. "But I’m not going to sit around and _hope_ Ben’s okay and I’m not leaving him alone. I won’t abandon him like you did.”

Han and Chewie are uncomfortably quiet. Poe glances at Luke once before following you up the ramp. Realistically, leaving Han and Chewie alone with Luke is probably a bad idea but you don’t care because the only thing that matters is getting to Ben. You and Poe quickly head to the cockpit and start the Falcon before you walk back to the top of the ramp and wait for Han and Chewie. You’re not sure if anything is said between the trio, you can’t hear much thanks to the rain. Han and Chewie turn their backs on Luke and board the Falcon. You're about to lift the ramp when Luke calls out to you.

“Wait!”

Your back is to him and your hand is hovering over the ramps control panel. You hear him approach the Falcon and stop at the end of the ramp. Slowly, you turn to face him and do your best to be patient instead of running down the ramp and impaling him with your lightsaber. 

“Take this,” Luke says as he unhooks Anakin’s lightsaber from the belt underneath his robes.

The confusion you feel is evident. The last time you saw Anakin's lightsaber it was in pieces. Additionally, you're not sure why Luke is trying to give it to you. 

“Han gave it to me when you guys first got here, hoping I could fix it and I did. Take it,” he tries to hand it to you. It seems almost like he's trying to offer it to you as a peace offering and you want no part of it.

“I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from you. It’s your father’s and it belongs to you.”

Luke shakes his head and takes a step closer to you with his hand still outstretched and offering you the lightsaber. “It belongs to you. It called to you. Take it,” you glance between him and the lightsaber before reluctantly taking it just so he’ll leave.

Once the familiar lightsaber is back in your hands, it practically hums. It’s as if it knows it’s back where it belongs, with you. Luke must notice it too because he looks a bit shocked as he glances between you and the hilt in your hand. You turn your back on him once more and wait for him to leave. The moment he steps off the ramp you lift it and head to the cockpit where you know everyone is waiting for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooo damn sick of this chapter. I physically couldn't bring myself to read it one more time so if there's errors I'm sorry but for the sake of my sanity I had to post it and move on. It took me a while to write because my attention span sucks but it took me DAYS to proofread it for numerous reasons. I'll be happy never reading it again. 
> 
> On that note. Hope you enjoyed it.


	15. Never Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's a trap!"

* * *

_I would have come for you.  
And if I couldn’t walk I’d crawl to you   
And no matter how broken we were  
We’d fight our way out together   
Knives drawn, pistols blazing  
Because that's what we do  
We never stop fighting _

_\- Leigh Bardugo  
_   
  


* * *

There really is no plan and for the life of you, you can’t think of one. All you can think about is Ben all alone, scared, and in pain. What you felt when he opened the bond, the sound of his voice, the excruciating amount of pain you felt through him, it’s replaying over and over in your head, making it impossible to focus on anything else.

Poe yells your name and pulls you out of your torturous thoughts. Your eyes snap to his, then Chewie's, then Han’s. The four of you are sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon, hovering over Ahch-To, trying to decide what the next move should be. Regardless of whether or not you have a plan, you’re going to the Supremacy. The thing you guys can’t agree on is whether or not you go alone. Of course they don’t want you to go without them. Especially since it’s definitely a trap which is exactly why you _don’t_ want them to go.

Snoke could easily kill Han and Chewie just to hurt you and further dig the knife into Ben. Poe will be tortured for information on the Resistance once they figure out exactly who he is. You’re the only one relatively safe since Snoke wants you alive. Aside from Leia and Ben, the closest thing you’ve ever had to a ‘family’ is sitting next to you and staring back at you expectantly.

“Sorry. . I. . I don’t know what to do honestly. I’d feel better if you just threw me in a pod and sent me to the Supremacy. Snoke isn’t going to kill me or Ben, we’re too powerful and he wants to use us. You guys are valuable too but for different reasons. The Resistance’s top pilot who's already widely known and wanted. Han Solo, famous smuggler, husband to the General of the Resistance, and father to Kylo Ren. Chewie, you’re basically Ben’s uncle so all those things apply to you too. You guys coming with me is basically a suicide mission. After you’re tortured for information on the Resistance they’ll kill you.”

“What do you expect to accomplish by barging in there alone? You can’t take on the entire First Order, even if Ben is in fighting condition. No offense but if he can’t take on Snoke what makes you think you can? What do you plan to do once you get there?”

Anxiously, you run your hands over your face as if it will wipe away the exhaustion and stress of the day. “Poe I don’t know,” you pause and sigh. I know running head first into this without a plan is the stupidest thing to do. It’s just. . the Force has gone through so much trouble to get Ben and I together. Why would it separate us now that we finally are? It doesn’t make sense.” 

Poe crosses his arms and sits back in the engineer's seat behind Chewie, racking his brain for some sort of plan on how to get everyone out of this situation alive.

“There’s no way I can talk you guys out of coming with me?” You ask once more, hoping that they’ve changed their mind for some reason.

“No,” Poe and Han say in unison while Chewie shakes his head and growls quietly. You groan and press your head against the back of the pilot’s seat in front of you. 

“Alright so this is the _only_ thing I can come up with and it’s a shitty plan. Like really shitty, but we’re short on time and no one else is coming up with anything so.”

“What’s the plan?” Poe asks, perking up suddenly.

“Basically, we take the Falcon straight to the Supremacy and blow it up. You guys hide until they take me to Snoke and Ben. When the coast is clear you guys plant bombs and make sure you’re ready to leave the minute I come back with Ben. You can set off random explosions in different parts of the ship as distractions. You just need to make sure whatever explosives you use aren’t enough to actually blow the ship up or we’re screwed.”

The three of them stare back at you expectantly, waiting for you to continue. When you don’t respond, you fully expect them to call you out on what a stupid plan that is. They don’t of course because that would be logical.

“That might work,” Han says to Poe. The idiot responds by smiling and nodding his head. The gleam in his eyes is almost disturbing. 

“Wait. . you guys really think that’s gonna work? I just pulled that out of my ass because there’s really no other way for the four of us to go.”

“I think you should go rest kid. We can work out the small details. You’ve had a rough day and we don’t know what we’re walking into.”

“I. . I can try but. . I don’t know if I’ll really be able to relax. Ben-” you pause because of the tightness in your throat and your eyes fill with tears.

“I know kid but you won’t be able to help much if you’re dead on your feet,” Han says with a sad and sympathetic smile. 

You simply nod, knowing that even though Han’s remark sounds like a suggestion, it's more or less an order that isn’t up for debate. If it was anyone else you may have told them to go to hell, but it's Han. The pleading look Chewie is giving you doesn’t help your resolve at all either.

Groaning loudly, you rub your eyes with the heels of your hands. “Fine I’ll try. I set the Falcon on autopilot when we started her up. She may not go directly to the Supremacy but she should be able to get us close enough that we can find it.” After Han nods to politely dismiss you, you make your way to your quarters and grab a clean set of clothes before heading to the fresher. You're clothes are sticking to you thanks to the ocean water in the cave, plus the rain, and whatever else you happened to get yourself covered in throughout the day.

After showering you are a bit more relaxed, but not much. You re-dress in case you need to jump out of bed for whatever reason and lay back on the small bed you and Ben have shared through your bond. As much as you try to fight it, you can’t choke back the tears that have been threatening to escape since the moment Ben called out to you. After lying on top of the blanket on the bed and closing your eyes, you will yourself to at least try to relax. When you roll over onto what you’ve deemed Ben’s pillow, and faintly smell him on it, you succumb to your exhaustion.

* * *

Apparently you were more tired that you thought you were because you don’t wake up until Han lightly shakes your shoulder. Your eyes snap open and you look around the room frantically. It’s only when your eyes settle on him do you realize you had actually fallen asleep. 

“How long was I out?” You ask groggily. 

“Couple hours. Falcon’s saying we should be in the general area soon.”

Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you sit up and reach for your boots. You look at Han out of the corner of your eye and can see he looks just as exhausted as you feel. A lot has happened to all of you in the last two days and even more is about to happen.The fate of Leia’s entire family (minus Luke who may as well be dead for all you care) is practically in your hands. Without Ben to back you up, it’s you and you alone who has the ability to ensure everyone leaves safe and sound. Once again you feel like you’re suffocating under the weight of the responsibilities on your shoulders.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask quietly. Han knows what you’re referring to and doesn’t bother asking for clarification.

“I’m fine kid. They’ll be time for all that after you rescue my son,” he smirks at you. “I actually wanted to give you something. Well. . you and Ben something.” He outstretches his hand towards you, fingers closed in a fist around whatever it is he has for you. When you offer him your hand with your palm facing up, he places something cold and metallic in your palm before pulling his hand away. In the middle of your palm is a set of gold dice on a small chain. You’ve seen the dice hanging in the cockpit as well as in Ben’s visions sporadically. You’re not sure why they’re so important but from what you’ve seen you know the dice are important for sentimental reasons not just for Han but for Ben as well.

“Han, why are you giving me this?” You ask suspiciously. 

“Because they’re important to me and they used to be to Ben. In case anything goes wrong, they’ll remind him where he belongs.”

You can’t help but frown at that. Han and Leia have been Ben’s biggest supporters, aside for yourself of course. They've vehemently insisted there's still light in him but Han’s words make it sound like he’s second guessing his son. Chewie’s growl from the cockpit echoes down the corridor to let you know you’re getting closer to your destination, quite possibly your final destination. 

Instead of arguing with Han, or accusing him of doubting Ben, you close your fingers around the dice and zip them into the pocket located on the side of your thigh. You grab Leia’s lightsaber off of the small table next to the bed where you had left it, and follow Han out of the room.

Poe is putting on a belt with a thigh holster, similar to the one you and Han wear. Two blasters lay on the Dejarik table in front of him, one goes in the holster once his belt is secured and he tucks the other into the waistband of his pants against his lower back. Chewie slings his bandoleer over his shoulder and inspects his bowcaster. 

“You look like shit. Did you even sleep?” Poe asks when he sees you approach him. Chewie growls and smacks Poe on the back of the head.

“Ow! I was kidding! She knows I was kidding! Your princess knows she’s as beautiful as ever,” Poe frowns and rubs the back of his head. 

To an outsider, it may appear like you’re overreacting but you can’t help but take a second to appreciate the scene in front of you for just a few seconds. 

“I know I look like shit but I doubt good looks and charm are going to get me anywhere with Snoke. I have something for you so shut up.” Poe stops messing with his thigh holster and focuses all of his attention on you. With Leia’s lightsaber in your hand, you close the space in between you and Poe and offer it to him. His eyes widen momentarily before glancing between your offering and your eyes.

“You need that. Why the hell would I take it?” Poe takes the lightsaber from you while questioning your motives.

“I have Anakin’s. There’s a reason why I’ve had you train with the lightsaber so much. I wanted to tell you when we’re not literally flying into a trap but I think it’s important you know that I'm pretty positive your Force sensitive.”

Poe doesn’t speak for once, instead he’s staring at you, silently questioning you. “Shit, yeah I thought I might be,” he says after a few moments of silence.

“Oh. . well okay. Anyways, you should use Leia’s saber. You’ve trained enough with it so I think you’ll be just fine. Plus, I know how much you care for and respect Leia. It’s only fitting you use it to help save her son,” you smile at him. He swallows thickly, as if suppressing his emotions, and nods. 

The Falcon is slowly getting closer to the Supremacy which meant they needed to hide and soon.

“You guys need to go below. I need to alter the Falcon’s course just a bit but after I do we’ll be in their line of sight. I can feel Ben, we’re close.”

Chewie grunts as he ruffles your hair and walks away.

Poe crosses his arms over his chest and stares at you while frowning. 

"He said 'be safe princess and save little Ben' so stop frowning at me."

"That's not why I'm frowning."

“Are you frowning because this is a really stupid plan,” you say with a smile.

“It’s seriously the most idiotic thing I’ve ever done and I have done my fair share of idiotic things,” Poe smiles back.

Mentally preparing yourself for his reaction, you take a step closer to him and throw your arms around him. He freezes for a moment, not expecting you to willingly hug him, before relaxing and wrapping his arms around you.

“Shit. You think we’re going to die don’t you? There’s no other reason you’d hug me.” 

“Shut up or this will be the last time this happens. You’re my best friend remember? It’s only fair you get a hug every now and then,” you chuckle hoping it will hide the intense anxiety you’re starting to feel. Poe squeezes you just a little bit tighter as if he can sense how anxious you are. You will never admit it out loud but hugging him somewhat relaxes you the tiniest bit. It's comforting. 

“Okay that’s enough. Get the hell out of here. And don’t think this means we’re gonna hug all the time because that’s definitely not going to happen,” you try and keep your voice even and your face passive.

“Only in life and death situations. Got it,” he smirks before turning to follow Chewie, leaving you and Han alone. He opens his mouth to say something but you stop him, knowing whatever he has to say will probably make you cry. Politely, you lift your hand to stop him before he starts.

“Whatever you have to say, tell me when Ben and I get back. I’m coming back with him or not at all.”

Han gives you a familiar crooked smile before leaving you alone to enter the cockpit. Closing your eyes, you take a couple of deep breaths, hoping to relax yourself before sitting in the pilot’s chair and guiding the Falcon directly to the Supremacy.

* * *

Even if you didn’t have the Force connection with Ben you’d know you were nearing the Supremacy and First Order territory. You can see the large ship off in the near distance but that’s not what gave it away. The TIE fighters that box you in on each side is what really gives it away. Not to mention the ones in front of you that latch on to the Falcon to ensure you’re following them and have no way to get away.

Seeing as the Falcon no longer needs your help flying, you make sure your lightsaber is functioning as it should, not fully trusting Luke's ability to mend it so carefully. You happen to catch your reflection in one of the Falcon’s control panels. The sight makes you visibly pall. You’ve never been too concerned with your looks but you pride yourself on looking at least somewhat decent most of the time. What is staring back at you is no where near decent. Your face is streaked with dried tears from the night before and your hair is sticking up in every direction thanks to going to sleep with it still wet.

You quickly walk to the fresher, hoping wherever Poe is hiding, he isn’t watching your mad dash to make yourself look somewhat decent. He will never let you live it down. Once in the fresher you quickly wash your face and pat your unruly hair down before pulling it up into your default style which is a messy bun. As you’re making your way back to the cockpit you hear a hushed whisper coming from somewhere below you.

“I tried to tell you, you look like shit.”

“Shut up and go away! We’re almost there!” You snap at him in passing. The Falcon is slowly entering the Supremacy's large hangar when you enter the cockpit. Lining the walls are various First Order TIE fighters and more stormtroopers than you can count, armed and ready for whoever walks out of the ship. 

As the Falcon touches down in the hangar, you cut the ships engines and head to the ramp. Before lowering it, you close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, mentally preparing yourself for the pleasantries you're about to face. The loud hiss of the Falcon’s hydraulics is the only thing you can hear as the ramp lowers, that and a dozen boots hitting the ground as the stormtroopers approach the you.

With all the false confidence in the world, you make your descent down the ramp at your own leisurely pace. One of the troopers yells at you to put your hands in the air, which you respond to by glaring daggers into him and crossing your arms over your chest. They can’t intimidate you because you know they can’t hurt you. Even if it wasn’t you, the person Snoke is purposely baiting, anyone in the Millenium Falcon is valuable to the First Order. Killing them for not complying with orders would be a guaranteed death sentence for whatever idiot pulled the trigger.

The stormtroopers surrounding you slowly part for an angry looking redhead who you vaguely remember as Hux. To his left is the giant chrome stormtrooper you had seen with Ben on Takodana. The sinister smile on Hux’s face almost makes you drop your uncaring and arrogant act if only for a second. Hux glances at a trooper holding a pair of, what you assume are, stun cuffs. Not bothering to put up a fight, you press your wrists together and hold them out in front of you for the trooper as he approaches you. He falters for a moment, apparently taken aback by your willingness to cooperate. 

“It’s an honor to finally meet the filthy smuggler responsible for Kylo Ren’s demise. I should be thanking you for a job well done.”

Your heart forgets how to beat momentarily at his words. ‘Kylo Ren’s demise?’ He couldn’t mean that Ben’s. . no there’s no way Ben’s dead. You would know if he was gone. There’s no way you wouldn’t be able to feel it in one way or another. . right?

“Look Hugs, I’m so glad-”

“It’s General Hux to you Resistance scum!” The redhead’s face contorts in anger as he yells.

“Sure whatever. I didn’t come all the way here to verbally spar with anyone. If I was I’m sure I could find a much worthier opponent. Like chrome dome over here," you gesture towards the tall trooper. "I bet whoever is under there is a far better conversationalist than you are and definitely far better looking,” you smirk as Hux’s face slowly turns red.

“Sir, allow me to take her to the Supreme Leader. He’s growing impatient,” the surprisingly feminine voice said from underneath the chrome helmet. You try to hide your surprise at learning there’s a woman under the mask. The sex of the person underneath the helmet doesn’t really matter, they’re still your enemy.

“Yes get this filthy smuggler out of my site,” Hux sneers and walks away from you. The chrome trooper roughly pushes you forward with the end of her blaster.

“Shit. Ow! I’m going! No need to be so pushy,” you huff and continue forward. While walking away you hear Hux bark out orders to the stormtroopers surrounding him.

“Search that piece of garbage thoroughly. If there’s any stowaways bring them to me at once for questioning,” he says and motions towards the Falcon before turning on his heels and exiting the hangar. You try your best not to glance over your shoulder at the ship but you can’t help it. A handful of troopers quickly rush up her ramp while the other’s wait outside.

It’s hard for you to not worry about Poe, Chewie, and Han. But you’ve heard stories about the famous smuggler Han Solo and his wookie companion. You know for a fact they’ve been in tougher situations than this. You’re not sure how extensive Poe’s list of tricky situations goes but it has to be lengthy considering all that has happened in the short amount of time you’ve known each other. 

You take a deep breath and turn away from the Falcon, the chrome trooper still at your back but easing up on the amount of pressure she’s using to press the blaster into your lower back. The fact that they don't bother to confiscate your lightsaber is a bit disconcerting. You’d like to think it’s a lack of judgement on their part but the more rational part of you knows it’s because they know you won’t try anything. Why would you turn yourself in just to start blasting and cutting people down?

“I know you First Order people have to be soulless mindless monsters. I’m pretty sure it’s something they ask you before giving you a job right? Anyways, he seems exceptionally horrible compared to the rest of you. So who hurt him? Was it an ex-girlfriend or wait. . an ex-boyfriend? He’s obviously had a bad experience with a smuggler in the past. He uses that word like it’s an insult.”

Silence. Not even a snort out of the stormtrooper. You walk in silence until there’s no one around the two of you. “Is Kylo Ren also a soulless mindless monster?” Your steps falter, not just because you weren’t expecting her to speak, but because of what she asked. Technically she’s making a point. Even though she’s unaware of Ben’s change of heart, to everyone else he’s still with the First Order. It seems like everyone else is also aware there’s something going on between the two of you which doesn’t bode well for him. Your mouth opens then closes once you realize you don’t have a good response to that but also that too much time has passed for whatever you have to say to make a difference. When you unconsciously slow almost to a stop, she walks around you until shes directly at your left and turns to look at you. When your eyes meet her helmet you nod and continue walking in the direction she’s been steering you. 

There’s something different about her but you can’t quite place it. You don’t get the same vibes from her as you do from Hux. By no means can you trust her but if you were able to get sympathy or help from anyone you’ve encountered so far, she may be your best bet. That or the stormtrooper that cuffed you.

“What’s your name?” This time, the trooper is the one to stop walking and turn towards you. You hate that you can’t see any of their faces. There’s a person under their helmets but it’s hard to realize that when you’re looking back at an emotionless mask. “I promise I’ll shut up and be a model prisoner if you just tell me that.” 

She nudges you again and the two of you continue out of the hangar and towards a set of doors which you assume open to a lift. Enough time passes that you assume she’s going to ignore you. “Phasma,” she says as quietly as she can through her helmet. It feels like in the battle against the First Order, you’ve just gained a point by getting her to humanize herself at least a bit and it’s hard to stop yourself from smiling.

“Hi, Phasma. I'd introduce myself but you know who I am. It appears my reputation-”

The lift doors open and the air is knocked out of your lungs. Ben stands in front of you, his attention on his hands as he adjusts his gloves. His head snaps up when he hears you gasp in surprise. You assume he’s equally as surprised but he’s wearing his stupid helmet so you can’t tell. You feel the tears begin to well up at the sight of him. Ben is standing in front of you, not withering on the floor in pain, or dead. The two of you stand still, staring at one another in silence until Phasma clears her throat. 

“I have orders to deliver the prisoner to the Supreme Leader.” Ben says nothing but continues to stare straight at you. 

“We have orders from Hux to sweep the YT-1300 freighter she arrived on for stowaways. Would you like to escort the prisoner to the Supreme Leader?” Phasma asks suggestively. You can’t help but wonder if the reason she mentions the exact make and model of the Falcon is to let Ben know you had arrived on his father's ship. 

You’re not sure what type of relationship Ben has with her but it seems she may be just a tiny bit on Ben’s side. At least more so than anyone else that you know of. The mention of the Supreme Leader gets Ben’s attention and his helmet angles towards Phasma. 

“I’ll escort the prisoner Captain Phasma,” Ben says after clearing his throat in a poorly veiled attempt to hide his emotions. She nods once and nudges you towards Ben who roughly grabs you by the arm and pulls you into the lift next to him. You jerk your arm out of his grasp and frown at him, trying your best to look unaffected by his presence but failing. Especially since your eyes are still glossy with barely contained tears and your lip is quivering under the strain of holding them back.

Phasma stares back at the two of you as the doors to the lift close. The lift ascends almost immediately and within seconds Ben’s hand shoots out and hits a button on the wall which brings the lift to a stop. In a flash, his helmet is off and discarded on the floor. His lips crash roughly against yours, one gloved hand goes into your already messy hair while the other slides to your lower back, pulling you flush against him. The bond hums between the two of you, happy you're finally physically together and not galaxies apart communicating through the Force. You can't help but shiver at the feelings actually being in his presence invoke in you. It takes a moment for you to relax, having not expected his sudden attack. Too quickly Ben pulls away from your mouth but doesn’t release his hold on your body in the slightest. Breathing heavily he rests his forehead against yours before pulling away to get a good look at you.

“What the hell are you doing here? Have you lost your damn mind!? And you brought the Falcon? Is my father with you? What about Chewie and Dameron? They’re stupid but they’re not-” 

The look on your face answers his question before you can. He releases his hold on your body and takes a step back while trying to control the anger he feels building inside himself. While pacing in the small lift he sighs deeply and runs his hands through his hair.

“What the hell are you thinking?!” he yells. 

“I was thinking about you, asshole!”

“I told you when I was ready I’d let you know. Why would you-”

“You really think I’m here because I’m impatient? Really?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know what happened at the temple, among other things. I tried to reach out to you but hit a wall. You had me completely blocked out. I was fighting with Luke when you reached out to tell me you-” you pause and look at the ground. It wasn’t him reaching out to you which meant it was Snoke. He must know how you feel about Ben and how badly you want him to acknowledge his feelings for you. You knew you were walking into a trap but you literally played right into Snoke’s hand. Ben stops pacing and stands directly in front of you before placing a finger under your chin and lifting your face up so you have to look at him. 

“What did I tell you? Say it,” Ben whispers.

Doing your best to deflect like a Skywalker would, you skirt around his question. “You were in pain. It was like you were being electrocuted and I felt it as if it was happening to me. You’ve been alone too long and you’ve dealt with enough pain to last a lifetime. I wasn’t going to leave you here to deal with it on your own, even if it meant turning myself in to Snoke. I knew he was playing me but damn he’s good,” you sniffle and wipe your cheeks with the back of your hand once you realize a few tears have slid down your cheeks.

“He got through to you? But how I...I didn’t think he knew we were close. I thought I was getting better and keeping him out. I haven’t felt him dig around in my head since I got back from Takodana. The only way he could have gotten to you is through me. This is my fault. If I hadn’t-” He takes a step away from you as if his proximity could put you in more danger. 

You can feel guilt and dread building in him at a rapid pace. “Stop it Ben. No. He would have found a way to get to me eventually. He’s been after me from the start.” He doesn’t respond and keeps his eyes trained on the ground.

Even though neither of you pressed any of the controls, the lift begins to ascend again. There's no way to stall or avoid the inevitable any longer. You're going to be in Snoke’s presence in a matter of seconds. 

“We don’t have much time. I need you to know I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you until the end. No matter what, you’re not alone.”

At that, he lifts his head and his eyes connect with yours. He gives you the strangest look that once again you can’t place and you can’t get a gauge on his emotions due to the intensity of everything he’s feeling all at once. He steps towards you until there is barely an inch between the two of you, places one hand against your cheek, and the other at the base of your neck before kissing you slowly with so much affection, it makes you dizzy. This kiss isn’t like the others that start out affectionate and quickly become passionate and needy. This kiss was radiating every emotion you invoke in him. It’s the type of kiss you give the person you love before you say goodbye.

“Neither are you,” he whispers against your lips after breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against yours. 

When the lift starts to slow, Ben gives you a quick kiss on your forehead before he pulls away from you. He puts his helmet back on and stands shoulder to shoulder with you before grabbing your arm with more force than he would have in different circumstances. 

“I don’t suppose you have a plan?” 

“Nope. My plan was to get to you, which I’ve done. I guess we’ll just have to wing it.” 

Ben sighs deeply through his helmet. “You know the odds of getting out of this alive are slim to none right?”

When the lift comes to a complete stop, you turn your head slightly to get one more look at him before the doors open. You assume he’s doing the same to you when his head turns towards you but because of the helmet you’re not sure.

“Never tell me the odds,” you smirk and turn your attention to the now open lift doors before the two of you enter the throne room.

  
  


* * *

  
**Meanwhile**

“There’s no way this is going to work. You realize that right? I was playing it cool for her sake since she wouldn’t have let us come with her if she knew we thought this was a shitty plan and it really is a shitty plan,” Poe rambles from the very small maintenance tunnel underneath the Falcon. 

“Will you shut up! Of course it’s a stupid plan! A really stupid one but we’re not leaving her or my son here alone. Besides, Chewie and I have been through a lot of tough situations in the past and-”

Chewie grunts very quietly and side eyes Han. He’s almost bent in two, crouching as low as possible, barely able to fit next to the two men in the small passageway. 

“Shut up furball. We’re alive aren’t we!” Han angrily whispers at Chewie. The three of them begin to argue in hushed whispers until they hear the stormtroopers entering the ship. They did an initial sweep of the ship and found nothing and no one at first. For a minute they thought they may have actually gotten away with hiding. At least they did until they heard a new set of troopers enter the ship.

“What’s that thing?” one of the troopers asks the other.

“It’s a scanner that can detect heat signatures. If there is someone on board and we missed it, this device will be able to tell us.”

Han, Chewie, and Poe’s eyes widen and the three of them look at one another, knowing they have minutes until they’re found. Han sighs and pulls his blaster out of his holster, signaling with his chin towards Poe’s blaster. Poe smirks and removes his blaster from his holster as well. The troopers footsteps grow louder and so does a high pitched beeping emanating from the heat detecting device in the troopers hand. When the beeping is unbearably loud, and the troopers are practically standing on top of them, Han shoots first.

Before the second trooper can react, Poe shoots him down. The three of them quickly exit the small service tunnel and press themselves against the walls of the Falcon, glancing down the ramp to see if any of the other troopers heard the blasts. When no one enters the ship, Chewie and Poe begin dragging the bodies out of the corridor, ensuring should someone enter the Falcon the first thing they wouldn’t see is two troopers bodies.

Chewie groans quietly at Han which makes him pause before looking from the dead troopers to Chewie then smiling. 

“Uh oh. I don’t like that look. What did he say?”

“He was reminding me of something we-”

“Freeze!” A lone trooper yells with his blaster trained on the three of them. Moments later, six more troopers enter the Falcon and raise their blasters at the trio as well. “Drop your weapons!”

Poe sighs, “So much for that plan.” Han and Poe remove their blasters from their holsters and toss them on the ground in front of the lead trooper. Chewie removes the bowcaster from across his chest and tosses it to the ground as well. Poe has no intention of willingly handing over Leia’s lightsaber. If they want it they will have to physically take it from him and he isn’t planning on rolling over and letting it happen without a fight.

Once their weapons are in a pile on the floor, three troopers approach the trio, one more hesitantly than the other. He’s a little bit shorter than Poe and his hands seem to be shaking slightly. Poe thinks the trooper is going to pass out when Chewie roars at him. Instead of approaching Chewie with the cuffs he quickly turns towards Poe, leaving the Wookie to one of his fellow stormtroopers. After the trio is cuffed they are forced down the Falcon’s ramp with blasters in their backs and shoved in front of a tall chrome stormtrooper.

“We found these three stowed away on the ship Captain,” one of the troopers says. Poe can’t help glancing at the nervous one. He notices the anxious trooper turning his helmet towards him every few seconds. Poe isn’t sure what it is but he has a feeling the trooper was going to be useful in some way. 

“The famous Han Solo and his Wookie companion,” Phasma says as her helmet tilts towards each one of them. “What do we have here? Poe Dameron the Resistance's top pilot. The Supreme Leader will be most pleased.”

“That I am. . . ma’am?” Poe asks with a raised eyebrow. Phasma says nothing when she turns towards a separate trooper. She signals to the other troopers standing around them, including the anxious one next to Poe. “I will alert General Hux immediately. The rest of you escort the prisoners to a cell. Two of you stand guard outside unless told otherwise.” Without another word Phasma leaves the hangar.

“Let’s go!” The trooper behind Poe says as he gives him a rather hard shove to the back with his blaster.

“Ow! I’m going asshole,” Poe yells and starts to turn but the anxious trooper grabs him by the upper arm and very slightly shakes his helmet to tell Poe to stop. Poe looks at him curiously before sighing through his nose and giving him a small nod in return. 

The three of them are forced down several different corridors after taking a lift down to a lower part of the ship. Poe’s trying not to worry about their predicament but the further down they go the more uncomfortable he is. They've been taken in so many different directions, finding their way back to the Falcon is going to be a task in itself, not including fighting their way there. When they finally reach their destination, they are shoved into their cell and the door is closed behind them. Poe overhears the anxious trooper volunteering to be one of the troopers to stand guard outside the cell, furthering Poe’s suspicions regarding the possibility the trooper might help them escape somehow.

“What now?” Poe asks Han and Chewie in a hushed whisper, afraid the troopers standing outside may be able to hear him.

“I think we’re gonna have to wait for her and my son. Unless you can think of another way out of here.” Chewie circles the cell, examining the walls and the floor, hoping to find a way out of their confines.

“Really? The famous Han Solo’s brilliant plan is to sit and wait?” Poe says while crossing his arms and leaning against the wall on the far side of the cell.

“I don’t know what stories you’ve heard about me but when I’m locked in a heavily guarded cell, even I can’t magically break out. I’m not a Force user, remember? Usually we can talk our way out or someone helps us out. Neither of those are options at the moment. I don’t see you coming up with any ideas hotshot!”

Poe gets a far away look in his eyes when Han snaps at him. He reaches down to his belt to make sure he did indeed still have Leia’s lightsaber. He glances outside of the cell at the two troopers then back to Han and Chewie. 

“You have a plan don’t you?” Han asks with one eyebrow raised.

“No not really. But I think that shorter trooper wants to help us. He’s anxious and keeps looking our way. Not to mention the feeling I’m getting. They didn’t take Leia’s saber from me either. Maybe somehow that will work to our advantage.”

The cell opens a moment later and the two troopers walk into their cell. “Old man, you’re coming with us!”

They knew why they were taking Han first considering his relationship with the Resistance and Ben. Chewie roars and steps in front of Han when the troopers approach him, causing them to take a cautious step back. Han places his hand on Chewie’s arm to pull him back and Poe glances at Han nervously before turning to the troopers.

“Take me first. You guys have been after me for months now but have been too slow and too stupid to catch me. I’m sure General Hugs would love a one on one torture session with me,” Poe takes a step towards the troopers hoping he’ll be able to persuade them. Instead of persuading them he gets a knee to the stomach, causing him to groan and drop to one knee.

“I’m comin! And I’m not that old!” Han grumbles irritably. The nervous trooper lingers for a moment before accompanying his fellow trooper out of the cell with Han. Han glances over his shoulder at Chewie and Poe before the door to their cell starts to close. “You know why we’re here. Get them out no matter what,” Han says sternly before the cell door shuts behind him.

“Kriff!” Poe yells and slams his fists on the cell door. Chewie grumbles and began to pace. 

An hour passes and Han still isn’t back and they still have no idea how to get out of their predicament. They have no idea where they've taken Han and they have no idea where you and Ben are and whether or not things are going better for you guys than they are for them. 

Poe is sure at any moment he’s going to lose it. The uncertainty combined with worry and being confined was starting to get to him. As soon as that thought crosses his mind, the cell door opens and the same two troopers enter. This time, the anxious one hangs back a little to allow the other one to step further into the cell. Once he’s in the cell, the anxious trooper shuts the door, rears his blaster back, and slams it into the back of the troopers head hard enough to knock him unconscious. 

Chewie and Poe watch as the unsuspecting trooper crumples to the ground, unsure whether or not they should attack the remaining trooper. Poe’s eyes widen before glancing at Chewie whose mouth is slightly open. The anxious trooper quickly removes his helmet and reveals a younger looking sweaty dark skinned boy around the age of 17 at least. 

“Who are you?” Poe asks suspiciously.

“I’m FN-2187. I want to help you guys get out of here but we have to hurry. Right now your friend is alone but I don’t know for how long so we need to hurry.”

“That's your name? Wait. . our friend? You mean Han? You can take us to him?” Poe asks, practically vibrating with anticipation to leave the cell and hopefully the Supremacy soon. 

“Yeah but we have to hurry. Like I said I don’t know how long we have,” the teen cracks the cell door and looks left then right to see if anyone is coming towards them. When the coast is clear he turns towards the pair and removes the cuffs from Poe’s hands but not Chewie’s.

“Why do you want to help us?” Poe asks cautiously while rubbing his wrists. 

“Because I don’t want to be here and I’m hoping you’ll take me with you guys. What the First Order is doing. . it's not right and I don't want any part of it. I'm going to be sent out on missions soon and I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to hurt anyone.”

Poe turns towards Chewie to silently ask his thoughts on the teen in front of them and whether or not they should trust him. Chewie grunts, shrugs, and starts to walk toward FN-2187 with his hands outstretched so he'll remove his cuffs. 

The boy glances at Chewie's outstretched hands before looking up at the Wookie. He swallows thickly and tries to conceal how afraid of him he is. “ I can't take them off of you yet. You can’t just walk out of there. They’ll catch us all and I’ll be thrown in the cell with you guys." When Chewie doesn't react negatively, FN-2187 turns to address Poe. "I was thinking, can you fit into his uniform? If so, we can act like we’re taking the Wookie to join his friend then go from there.” 

“That’s a good idea Finn. I’m gonna call you Finn because FN-2187 isn’t a name.” Poe asks even though it's not really a question. He begins to strip the unconscious trooper, completely missing the smile that stretches from ear to ear across Finn’s face. 

“Finn...ya I like that.”

Once Poe’s dressed in the slightly too big stormtrooper uniform, the three lean against the wall, preparing to leave the cell in search of Han.

“Why did you guys turn yourselves in? I mean, your friend turned herself in and I know the Supreme Leader wants her really bad which can't be good so why did she turn herself in? And why did you guys come with her?" Poe glances at Chewie, not sure whether or not they should admit they’re actually there to steal Kylo Ren. 

“Uh. . it’s a long story and I’ll tell you all about it once we’re off this shithole of a ship.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Finn says as he raises his blaster and walks out of the cell with Chewie and Poe close behind him.

* * *

You’re terrified when the lift doors open and you have to step out. At least you are until Ben firmly grabs you by the arm and leads you out of the lift and into Snoke’s so-called ‘throne room.’ Even though he’s grabbing you a bit harder than necessary, his touch instantly sends a wave of calm over you. The contact has the same effect on him as well which is good because the rising panic and fear in both of you is almost enough to make you sick. 

The room looks exactly like it did in your vision after Takodana, complete with the weird red armored stormtrooper lookalikes stationed at various corners of the bright red room. You’re not sure why someone as powerful as Snoke needs guards. Not just regular guards, but heavily armed guards and not armed with the standard issued blaster most troopers have. Whoever these guys are, they're obviously not to be underestimated.

Once you’re fairly close to Snoke, Ben releases you and gets down on one knee to your left. His head is bowed down towards the ground and his eyes focus on the floor. The action instantly pisses you off and you can’t hide the frown from forming on your face while staring down at Ben’s kneeling form. Ben is a prince for kriff's sake and shouldn’t be kneeling to anyone.

When you turn your attention to Snoke, he’s leaning on one arm in his ridiculously large chair with a disgusting smirk on his face. His eyes bore into you with ferocity and he waves his hand in your direction. The cuffs secured around your wrists click and fall to the floor at your feet. He stares at you expectantly, almost like he's waiting for you to thank him. You’re happy your anger is rising because anger is a lot easier to deal with than fear and anxiety. 

You were (and still are) pissed at Luke, more so than you can ever remember being at anyone in your life. But the anger and hatred you feel towards Luke is minuscule compared to the hate you have for the grotesque thing in front of you. The man, if you can call him that, in front of you is single handedly responsible for ruining not just Ben’s life, but his entire families as well. 

Ben must have felt your anger rising because you notice his head slightly lift up and turn in your direction as it intensifies. He does his best to calm you down through the bond, afraid you might lash out in a rage but he’s unsuccessful. Partially because he himself doesn’t feel very calm and also because the intensity of your anger is drowning out every other emotion possible.

“So this is the girl I’ve heard so much about, the girl that changed the mighty Jedi Killer, Kylo Ren.” Ben does his best not to react to the comment but you both know there's no way to trick Snoke, not at this stage in the game. The small gasp that emanates from his helmet doesn’t help at all either and you can't help but sigh at Ben's inability to control his emotions, especially at a time like this. 

“You think you could fool me boy? I cannot be betrayed. I cannot be defeated. I see inside your mind. I see your every intent. The moment you returned from Takodana I felt the conflict within you had grown. Remove that stupid mask while I’m speaking to you.”

Ben says nothing as he releases the latch on the back of his helmet. With a hiss, Ben lifts it off of his head and places it next to him. His messy helmet hair covers part of his face but you can still see his eyes look anywhere but at you.

“Shut up and leave him alone. You wanted me here and now I’m here so what do you want?” You cross your arms over your chest angrily. You’re no longer acting brave to hide the growing fear within you. Now you’re so angry, all sense of anxiety and fear have completely evaporated.

“I wanted to meet the orphan smuggler girl that not only stole away my apprentice but who seems to be as powerful as the grandson of Darth Vader.”

“Cut the bullshit Snoke,” you snap at him. Ben’s anxiety climbs with each word you speak and Snoke's fists clench in irritation over your lack of respect. You can feel Ben prodding the bond, hoping to get through to tell you to shut up but out of fear of Snoke breaching your mind again, you keep him out. 

“When I connected the two of you I never imagined the bond you two shared would be so intense. . so powerful. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen."

Snoke laughs when he sees Ben’s eyes widen and snap to you before focusing on the floor beneath him once more. Ben’s unaware of the information you discovered before leaving Ahch-To. He has no idea the two of you are part of a Dyad. The bond you share is so much more than even Snoke can comprehend. You want to turn away from Snoke and explain everything to Ben the moment you feel betrayal, disappointment, and soul swallowing loneliness completely engulf him.

"I’ve told you time and time again boy, you are unlovable. Your family didn’t love you and proved it to you when they handed you over to Skywalker without a second glance. What did Skywalker do? Your own uncle tried to kill you while you slept. You actually think without my influence this girl would have feelings for you? You’re young and naive but I underestimated your stupidity.” 

“Ben look at me,” you say sternly while completely turning your attention to him. Ben’s eyes remain glued to the floor. His expression, as hard as he tries to hide it, shows exactly what he's feeling. He's questioning whether or not anything the two of you shared was genuine and not some sort of twisted manipulation by Snoke. If Snoke is really responsible for the bond you share it meant what you two shared wasn’t as unique and special as he thought it was since the beginning. It's just another way to twist and break Ben's spirit like he has been doing for years.

“He’s lying. We’ve always had a connection. Maybe...maybe he just woke it up but the connection we have has nothing to do with him at all.”

Ben wants so desperately to believe you, but Snoke is right. His family did throw him away and his own uncle did try to kill him. Why would he lie about this of all things? 

Even though you can’t peek into Ben’s mind you can feel the dark thoughts swirling through him. The light in him that you love is slowly starting to dim all because of another one of Snoke’s lies. When Ben doesn’t respond you turn your back to Snoke, even though every ounce of your being is telling you how stupid it is to turn your back on your enemy, and kneel down next to Ben. With one hand you place your finger under his chin and tilt his head up towards yours, forcing him to look at you but he still tries to avoid your eyes. Your other hand opens your pant pocket and takes out Han’s dice. 

“You know he’s lying. You know what we have is stronger than that and you know that your family loves you, they always have. Your mom loves you more than anything.” you whisper to him even though you’re sure Snoke can still hear you. It doesn’t matter, Ben needs to hear this from you right now. “And so does your dad,” you add as you take his right hand in yours, face it palm up, and place the dice in it before curling his fingers around them. 

His eyes finally meet yours with a questioning look before he opens his palm to see his father’s lucky dice. His eyes don’t leave the dice for a full minute. He knows how important they are to Han, and he knows there’s very few reasons he would take them out of the Falcon. Ben's eyes well with tears as his fingers curl around the dice and hold them tightly as if they might disappear otherwise. 

“Remember what I said, together we’re unstoppable. Do you trust me?” Ben’s eyes scan your face searching for any sign that you may not believe your own words. Confidence and defiance starts to blossom within him when he sees none.

“I told you, you’re not alone. Not anymore.”

He gives you a small nod to let you know he does indeed trust you, more than he trusts even himself. For a moment it’s just the two of you in that god awful room, staring at one another, solidifying the bond between you. That is until Snoke reminds you how very not alone you are. 

“Pathetic. Had I known you were this weak I would have left you at the Jedi temple so Skywalker could finish you off,” you stand and turn to face Snoke with so much hatred in your eyes even he has to try not to flinch when your eyes connect. A smile spreads across his face and his hand stretches toward you. You brace yourself for whatever it is Snoke is planning to do to you but nothing happens, to you at least.

The only warning you get is a small grunt from Ben. He’s lifted from his knees by the Force and pulled into the air, freezing in between you and Snoke. His knees are still bent as if he were still kneeling but his back is parallel to the floor. His head is lulled back so he is staring at you upside down as his hair hangs loosely around him. You have to think of a way out of this. Snoke is trying to show you exactly how powerful he is, especially when it comes to Ben. The two of you are surrounded by the guards as well but if you can get to Snoke the two of you most likely can take out the guards. But you have no idea how to even get close to Snoke without him using the Force on you the way he is with Ben.

“I have a question,” you say loudly. You're hoping you're successfully keeping the fear and anxiety out of your voice as you watch Ben being being suspended in the air. “Why did you connect us? Why me and why not someone else? Why now?” Your eyes glance from Snoke to Ben then back to Snoke. If he knows your stalling by asking questions he either doesn’t show it or he doesn’t care.

“I felt how powerful you were that night at the temple, when you were able to withstand his power. When he breached your mind he bridged the two of you which is a rare thing for such a young Jedi to be able to perform. It only solidified my choice in apprentice. I felt how you were his equal in the Force but your soul was not conflicted like young Ben Solo’s was and continues to be. At the time I knew you would be a lot harder to turn to the dark side so I sat and bid my time. Unfortunately, Skywalker showed you how to block out the Force so I was unable to locate you until recently. I seized the opportunity, not only to turn you, but to test my young apprentice. As you well know he’s failed that test exponentially but in his failure you’ve come to me and proven once again you are superior to him. Apparently the mighty Skywalker blood that flows through his veins means nothing," Snoke sneered before turning his attention back to Ben. "Your grandfather would be disappointed in you boy. The grandson of the great Darth Vader, brought to his knees by a young untrained Force user,” he laughed.

The anger in you climbs again and you can feel, what you assume to be the dark side, lapping at your feet, begging you to get angrier. It's going to get what it wants extremely soon. Ben closes his eyes and grits his teeth when his entire body starts to shake. 

“Stop! Whatever you’re doing to him just stop! Do it to me instead!” 

Ben’s eyes snap open, his body starts to convulse, and he starts screaming.

“STOP IT PLEASE! I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!” You yell at Snoke but he isn’t listening.

He smiles at you and continues doing whatever it is that’s causing Ben so much pain. You’re powerless to stop it and they both know it. The look on Ben’s face and the sound of him screaming in pain is too much for you to take. You cover your ears and squeeze your eyes shut tightly and try to control your breathing as an unsettling feeling began to flow through you. It's only unsettling at first because the more intense it becomes, the more welcome it feels. It's the dark side, that much is clear, but you aren’t afraid of it. You welcome it. If feels like pure untamed power, enough power to destroy Snoke and the entire First Order. You could kill him and go through the ship killing each stormtrooper one by one until there's no one left to oppose you. 

Your eyes snap open when you feel the darkness slowly starting to course through your veins. Ben stops screaming and sharply inhales while looking back at you with wide tear filled eyes. Unbeknownst to you, your eyes are flashing from the (E/C) he adores to a gold and crimson color while you struggle between accepting the dark side and fighting it. He starts yelling again only this time it isn’t in pain. This time it’s with determination as he uses all of his strength to fight Snoke’s hold enough to slowly outstretch his hand toward you in a silent plea for you to take it.

Snoke is talking but you have no idea what he’s saying. Your heart is beating so wildly it drowns out everything around you. All you hear is your rapid pulse in your ears. You feel like you’re suffocating as you stare back at Ben and the pleading look on his tear stained face. He's gritting his teeth and clenching his jaw while he struggles to exert enough power to extend his hand out to you. All you have to do is take a few steps forward and take it but you know if you do, the new power you’re slowly obtaining will disappear and there’s no way you’ll be strong enough to stop Snoke. 

There’s a faint tingling at the base of your neck when Ben tries to reach out to you through the bond. He knows it’s a risky move considering the two of you know Snoke has the ability to manipulate the connection. It’s just another thing Snoke has taken from Ben. Unconsciously you let Ben into your mind and the bond hums to life. 

_“Don’t let the dark take over. I know what that power feels like. You’ve seen my past and you’ve seen what the dark side cost me. It’s not worth it.”_

Even his inner voice is strained and the excruciating pain he’s in is evident. You squeeze your eyes shut again and focus on keeping your tears at bay. You know he’s right but there’s no other way out of this. There’s no other way to stop Snoke and to stop the pain Ben is in. If you just give Snoke what he wants he’ll leave him alone, he’ll stop hurting Ben. 

_“Remember what you told me. Together we’re unstoppable.”_

His voice, although strained, is full of confidence and determination stronger than ever before. He’s so sure of himself and the truth of the words you spoke to him in the quiet of the night as the two of you laid intertwined with one another. The outside world didn’t exist in those moments, it was just you and him laid open to one another in every way possible, completely exposed and vulnerable. 

Ben knows at this point he has nothing to lose so he lets down his wall enough to send you every emotion you’ve ever invoked in him. He sends you image after image of you and how he feels about you, what runs through his mind when he’s with you, the way you give him hope for something better than all of this. He shows you the memory of the first time he met you and what he felt. He sends you more images in rapid succession, images that are so unexpected you feel the darkness begin to shrink away because of how caught off guard you are. 

The two of you traveling on the Falcon side by side. Ben asking you to marry him and having a small ceremony with his parents, Chewie, Maz, and reluctantly, Poe. The two of you in a house of your own on a forest planet similar to Endor. A little girl and boy chasing each other around the Falcon. The images stop almost as soon as they start. Even though he’s in pain, Ben is slightly embarrassed which makes you think he may have shown you a lot more than he intended to. You don’t realize you’re crying until the images stop and you snap out of the trance-like state you were in. Your eyes meet Ben’s and his still outstretched hand before looking away.

You’ve never thought about marriage or kids or settling down before. Your life has always been chaotic without much time to focus on the future. You’re still young and the thought of all of that somewhat terrifies you but the prospect of it happening in the future, with Ben, is something you never knew you wanted. A home, a life of your own, and a family, with Ben by your side. 

_“Please”_

Ben’s voice whispers quietly and desperately through the bond. When your eyes connect with his they’re full of barely contained tears. He’s running out of energy and won’t be able to fight Snoke’s hold much longer. He’s not sure what will happen if you embraced the dark side completely but he knows it won't be good. Nothing good came from him accepting the dark side. Even though he didn’t realize it until it was too late, he had his family, and you do too whether you acknowledge them as family or not. From his perspective, he’s the only thing you have to fight for and that’s if you feel as strongly for him as he does you. He’s not sure if it will be enough to keep you in the light, if _he_ will be enough. 

You watch as he slowly begins to lower his shaking outstretched hand, finally too exhausted to keep fighting Snoke’s hold on him. Before he can finally relinquish the small amount of power he has, before Snoke realizes what’s happening, you lunge for Ben’s hand and grab it. Your hand wraps around his forearm and his wraps around yours while you cling to each other as if your lives depend on it, and in a way, they do. 

The moment the two of you take hold of one another, the bond doesn’t just hum to life, it practically implodes. The strength of it almost knocks you off your feet and takes your breath away when your combined power flows through you, completely overpowering every trace of the dark side. Ben gasps when the same feeling washes over him and Snoke’s control over his body wanes. With your hands still clasped, you’re able to stop him from hitting the ground when he begins to fall. The guards around Snoke come to attention and raise their weapons, preparing to strike the moment they receive a signal from their master. 

The two of you stand side by side, staring at one another for what feels like an eternity. An unspoken acknowledgement of your feelings for each other and the unimaginable strength of the Force that's pouring through you to him and vice versa. The two of you are each one half of a whole and right now, you are complete. 

The thick hot blinding rage coming off of Snoke is so intense you can practically taste it. It reminds you that the two of you are not alone and are in quite a bit of danger. There’s a small amount of movement at your waist which catches your attention more than Snoke’s rage does. You glance down and watch as your lightsaber and Ben’s snap off of your belts and fly towards Snoke’s outstretched hand. 

Instinctually, both your hand and Ben’s shoot out in Snoke’s direction in time to stop your lightsabers from flying into his possession. If Ben was at full strength you know it would be a lot easier to pull them back to you but he’s low on energy and exhausted from fighting Snoke’s hold which made the battle for your lightsabers more evenly matched than you are comfortable with. Snoke will be a lot harder to defeat using the Force alone, but armed you stood a chance, and he knows it.

The two of you see the moment Snoke realizes he’s no longer the strongest in the room. It’s nothing but a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. If you hadn’t been paying attention you would have surely missed it. There’s no way to stop yourself from smirking. The situation is no longer hopeless. You and Ben could still make it out of this stupid room and off this stupid ship alive and if that happens there won’t be a damn thing Snoke can do about it.

Your sabers start to reverse back in your direction, just enough for Snoke to realize he can no longer underestimate the power the two of you have when standing together. He fully believes the bond between the two of you is his doing, a way to test Ben’s resolve and to gain a new stronger apprentice. He has no idea the two of you have been a Dyad from the beginning, probably since birth. Opening the connection that had been closed off for so long did nothing but strengthen the power between the two of you. He practically pushed Ben back into the light and signed his own death sentence at the same time.

“Your power is nothing compared to mine!” Snoke yells as he increases his power, pulling the sabers back in his direction and giving you an idea.

“I’m so sick of people stealing my lightsaber!” you yell. 

It’s completely inappropriate but Ben can’t stop himself from laughing a little at your frustration and the situation you are in for the third time since finding each other. The sound of Ben’s laughter and the small curl of his lip when suppressing a smile only angers Snoke further.

With the bond completely open between you and Ben, each of your thoughts belonged to one another. As soon as the thought Snoke’s words gave you crosses your mind, you feel Ben’s hope for the future and affection for you increase. You don’t have to look at him to know he has that infuriating smirk on his face that in any other situation would make you want to either kiss him or choke him. 

The moment you notice the sabers slightly twitch back in Snoke’s direction, the two of you let go. Your lightsabers ignite on their own as they fly directly towards Snoke. It happens so quickly he has no time to react and you watch as your lightsaber impales him directly in the chest while Ben’s goes straight to his head. You aren’t quite sure whether Ben’s lightsaber just happened to impale the former Supreme Leader in the head or if it had a bit of influence from Ben but you were betting on the latter. 

Your lightsabers deactivate and roll onto his lap then onto the floor when Snoke’s body slumps over. The two of you stare at his corpse in disbelief. Ben’s hand is shaking in yours as he stare down at the dead body of the man who has tormented him for most of his life. The man that had taken almost everything from him and turned him into a mindless killing machine, is dead and can no longer control him. For once in his life he has the ability to make his own decisions without fear of the consequences.

You tear your eyes away from the body to Ben and watch him come to grips with his newfound freedom. The emotions sweeping through him and the multitude of thoughts racing through his mind are almost giving you a headache. If he wasn’t shaking and holding onto your hand for dear life you would block him and close the connection between the two of you but it’s obvious he needs you right now.

Movement out of the corner of your eye takes your attention away from Ben. Snoke’s guards raise their weapons and begin to surround the two of you. Apparently the demise of their master momentarily froze them in shock as it did to you. Instead of charging at you the moment Snoke died, they had also taken the time to stare at their dead master. 

You really need to stop zoning out and focus on your surroundings when you’re in mortal peril. Ben is exhausted mentally and physically and the guards closing in on you are definitely going to put up a fight that is more intense than any you’ve been in before. You are confident the two of you could take them if both of you weren’t so exhausted but now with Ben in the state he’s in, you would be lying if you said you aren’t a little bit worried.

“Ben,” you say with slight unease and give his hand a squeeze just in case your words aren’t enough to get his attention.

His eyes finally leave Snoke’s corpse and go to the approaching guards. He takes in the approaching enemies before locking eyes with you for just a moment.

The crimson-armored guards are a blur of motion as four sets of pairs, each with a variety of deadly looking weapons, advance towards you. Using the Force the two of you bring your lightsabers to you, igniting them instantly. Reluctantly, you release each other’s hands and stand back to back. Both of you get into the same fighting stance, completely mirroring each other as if you’re moving as one, ready to take on anything that is thrown your way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I think two chapters after this and that shall be it. I thought about adding one more but I think it will be cramming too much into a short amount of time. I would like to end this story before I lose interest and leave this one unfinished. ADHD is a bitch.
> 
> PS- Happy belated birthday Alison!


	16. Even God Has a Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is that there is no plan.

* * *

_  
To silence all the voices in my head_  
 _I'd have to forget every word you said_  
 _I've been at war with myself from the start_  
 _Prayed for light and I was only given dark  
_ _Blocking the pain from my chest  
_ _But some days are hard to forget  
_ _Looking for reasons and failing now  
_ _I won't wait  
_ _I know my head is such a dangerous place  
_ _Get me outta here, I know too much  
_ _Won't be long before I've lost your touch  
_ _So much hate for things I can't control  
_ _My apathy, it starts to take it's toll  
_ _Wishing that I knew how  
_ _To calm these nerves but they're only staying loud  
_ _I fear the worst  
_ _I fear that someday I'll have to forget your face  
_ _But how can I when it's all I see?  
_ _Nowhere to turn  
_ _What I touch breaks  
_ _Lost in all the give and take  
_ _Another hit should numb my pain  
_  
 _Like Moths to Flames - Even God Has a Hell_

* * *

The guards came at you from every angle, making it extremely hard to concentrate on one enemy at a time. All of your focus was on blocking each blow as their deadly weapons hum towards you. Once close enough, you realize their weapons are enhanced with some sort of electrical current, making them even deadlier than you originally thought. You can practically feel the electricity in your teeth and on your skin each time one comes a bit too close to you.

While blocking an attack from the left, a guard in front of you raises their double sided ax above his head and brings it down towards you in an arc, too quick for you to block. When it’s within an inch of your head, Ben reaches over you and impales the guard through his helmet with his lightsaber. You make a mental note to ask him why he has a fixation with impaling people in the head if the two of you make it out of your current situation alive.

Ben actually chuckles at the thought as he turns his attention back to the guards in front of him. You lift your leg and kick the guard to your left as hard as you can, using the Force to increase the strength of it, you launch the guard across the room. You turn to your right as a guard lunges at you with an electrified spear, which you block at the last minute. The impact of your weapons clashing sends painful vibrations up your arms and forces you backwards. 

If Ben wasn’t standing directly behind you, you would have definitely fallen backwards onto the ground. His hand shoots out and grabs your waist from behind as he continues defending himself from the guards in front of him. You can hear his lightsaber spitting and crackling behind you as well his grunts of effort. Using him as leverage, you push yourself off of his back and lunge at the guard holding the spear. He falters and takes a step back, having not expected you to bounce back so quickly. Ben forces the guards away from him which puts the two of you at opposite sides of the room. You do your best to focus on the threat in front of you and at your sides and not on how Ben is fairing. The smallest distraction could get both of you killed. 

A guard armed with a fairly harmless looking staff tries to knock your feet out from under you but you manage to hop over it in time to miss the blow while also blocking the attack from a guard trying to sneak up from behind you. When the guard armed with the staff quickly gets to his feet and brings the staff down on you, you block it once again, only this time when he retracts his staff it comes apart and turns into two shorter staffs, one for each of his hands.

You twirl your saber in your hand and aim it behind you while shuffling backwards, stabbing the guard approaching you from behind directly in the chest and turning your attention directly on the staff wielding guard. Using the Force, you send one of the guards flying backwards while blocking the blows of the one in front of you. Ben’s excitement and his hunger at the fact that he was finally free to confront his tormentors without fear of repercussions is seeping through the bond. 

You chance a glance in his direction and the distraction costs you. The guard in front of you slices across your thigh with his blade, causing you to cry out in pain while bringing you to your knees. Your cry of pain gets Ben’s attention and he turns to look at you with concern and fear. The two guards attacking him use his distraction to their advantage. One of them approach him from behind and brings his blade up to Ben’s neck. As the guard tries to slice it across Ben’s throat, his hands pry at the handle, desperately trying to hold the weapon back. The guards that you had knocked back with the Force are getting to their feet and slowly making their way back to you.

Ben’s eyes meet yours and the two of you stare at one another, fearing it will be the last time you see each other. While you clutch your bleeding thigh, a guard approaches you, raises his weapon above his head, and prepares to bring it down on you. Ben calls out your name, helpless to do anything but watch.

Just as the guard brings the blade down a blaster goes off and the guard standing over you crumples to the ground. Standing in front of the now closing lift doors is Poe, Chewie, a younger dark skinned boy, and Han who has his blaster out and pointed in your direction. Chewie raises his bowcaster in Ben’s direction and before the guard holding Ben has time to react, shoots him directly in the head. Ben closes his eyes tightly as he watches the blast come directly towards him. When the guard behind him releases him, he ducks out from underneath the weapon and stands up straight, staring directly at his father and uncle in shock. Han doesn’t look too good. He’s obviously exhausted and has several cuts and bruises across his face. Ben also notices the way he is trying to put all of his weight on one leg opposed to both.

The remaining guards step away from you and Ben, preparing to not only fight you but the newcomers who are armed with blasters. Poe rushes to your side with the younger boy close behind him. He grabs your hand and helps you get to your feet, trying not to grimace at the leg wound that is bleeding steadily.

“Took you long enough. What the hell?” You smile at him and give his hand a squeeze. 

“Sorry I failed you, princess,” he says as he pulls your arm over his shoulders and helps you towards your small group of friends.

"You're going to start calling me Princess too?" 

"Well yeah. You're practically royalty once we save the prince of Alderaan." You glance towards Ben who is standing a couple of feet away from Han and hesitantly approaching him.

“Dad,” Ben says with suppressed emotion as father and son stare back at one another.

“I know,” Han replies with a smirk.

A moment later the remaining guards ascend on you. To your surprise, instead of blasting the guards like Chewie and Han had, Poe ignites Leia’s lightsaber and charges toward the two guards coming directly at you and the former trooper next to you. It’s then you realize the boy is unarmed. His eyes dart around the room, desperate to find a weapon that can help him help you guys, before his eyes glance down to your bloody leg. 

“Sorry,” he says as he reaches out and rips off a piece of your cowl. With shaking hands he crouches down and wraps the fabric directly above your wound and pulls it tight enough to make you wince. 

“Thank you,” you smile at him and hand him your lightsaber. His eyes go wide as he hesitantly reaches out his hand to take it. He ignites it and looks at the blue blade in complete awe for a moment before remembering why you had given it to him in the first place. With a small nod of understanding he turns quickly and rushes to Poe's aid. You watch all of the training Poe has been doing with your lightsaber pay off. The guard Finn is fighting manages to surprise him by kicking him in the stomach, causing him to crouch over in pain. Using the Force you push the guard hovering over him away from him just enough to give Han room to blast him before he can bounce back. The one remaining guard is taken by surprise and has no time to block the blow as Poe stabs Leia’s lightsaber directly between the guards shoulder blades. 

From the corner of your eye you watch Ben try to shake Chewie off so he can get to you but Chewie isn’t having it. You can’t hear what’s said but you hear a deep growl coming from Chewie and see Ben's shoulders rise and fall when he sighs with frustration. He very reluctantly wraps his arm around Chewie for support which earns him an appreciative grunt from the Wookie. 

"My name is Finn and thanks princess," Finn says with an appreciative smile after walking over to you and handing you back your lightsaber.

"Not you too! What the hell Poe?" You groan as Finn walks towards the lift doors. You look Poe up and down while he’s speaking and realize he’s in full stormtrooper gear minus the helmet.

“Hmm. You look good in that. Maybe your place isn’t with the Resistance after all. Maybe you should stay here,” you joke as you hobble your way towards the lift. Poe grabs your arm and drapes it over his shoulder while his other arm wraps around your waist to support you.

“Oh so _now_ you decide to tell me how good looking I am. You couldn’t have told me this when we were alone and not being blasted at?” He smirks at you and you smile back until you feel Ben’s irritation climb. When you glance around Poe towards Ben, he’s frowning and glaring daggers at Poe as Chewie holds on to him.

You roll your eyes at the wave of jealousy and possessiveness that washes over you through the bond. They’ve been together literally ten minutes and already Ben is jealous. “Stop it,” you say to Ben, causing everyone to glance at you then to him. His cheeks turn red before he looks away from you towards the lift doors as if they’re the most interesting thing he’s ever seen.

“How long do you think we have until they realize Han is gone?” Poe asks. Finn opens his mouth to speak but before he can say anything, an alarm begins to blare throughout the ship.

“I’d say not long,” you respond. You don’t remember how far away the Falcon is to where you’re at. At the time you had been too preoccupied trying to get Phasma to talk and then you saw Ben. 

“We’ve got to go down the lift, down a few corridors, then to the hangar. We’re definitely going to have to blast our way to the Falcon,” Ben says with a sigh.

“I don’t wanna be the one to say it but I’m gonna be the one to say it. Maybe it’s best if we leave the Falcon here and-” 

“No!” You and Han yell in unison, interrupting Poe.

Everyone expected that reaction out of Han and probably Chewie, but not from you. They all turn their attention to you much to your dismay. You sigh because you know they’re going to look at you with pity as soon as you explain yourself.

“Don’t any of you _dare_ pity me after I say what I’m about to say,” you pause and look at the lift doors, willing them to open so their attention will shift from you. “The ship I took from Luke was kinda my home for the last five years but it didn’t really feel like home. Before then I hopped place to place, never really staying in one spot long. The Falcon. . I know I haven’t been with you guys very long but. . well. . the Falcon feels like home.”

You close your eyes, not wanting to see the expression on their faces at your embarrassing admission. Thankfully, the lift doors open before the silence becomes uncomfortable. Han secretly gives your shoulder a squeeze as you all file into the lift.

Even though you have the option to lean against the walls of the lift, Poe keeps his hold on you and out of the corner of your eye you see Ben doing his best to inconspicuously scoot closer to you. It escapes no one's notice of course, especially Poe’s which you know because of the smirk he’s trying really hard to hide. You roll your eyes again knowing how irritating the two of them are going to be from now on.

The Supremacy suddenly shakes violently which causes the lift to stutter and shake. “Did you guys plant explosives somewhere? That felt a lot bigger than I had expected considering we’re still on the ship,” you frown at your three co-conspirators. 

“You guys planted explosives on the ship we’re currently on?” Ben asks incredulously before looking to you for an explanation as the lift starts to descend again.

“Actually no we didn’t get around to it,” Poe says without meeting your eyes.

“Alright so we don’t know what that was. That’s comforting,” Ben says with a sigh.

“It’s your mother,” Han says while rubbing the back of his neck.

“What?!” You and Ben yell in unison.

“Well after you went to sleep we got a hold of Leia and told her what was happening and what happened on Ahch-To. As usual, she said she had a plan,” Poe interjected to save Han from taking all the blame.

“And her plan is to fire on the ship we still on?” Ben asks incredulously and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Not exactly. Half of the Resistance is setting up their new base, the other half is on her ship or in their own ships in the general area to get the First Order’s attention. If they’re shooting at the ship it’s because they’re baiting them not to actually harm the ship."

“That should buy us a little time right?” You ask hopefully because the pain in your leg is excruciating. It isn’t bleeding anymore thanks to Finn but the pressure of the makeshift tourniquet is making it throb. You’re doing your best to hide the pain you’re in outwardly to avoid any of the guys from fussing over you and inwardly hiding it because of Ben. 

“If Hux hasn’t noticed you guys are missing yet, yes. If he has, I’m honestly not too sure which issue he will focus on,” Ben says with a furrowed brow. 

The lift started to slow as it creeps closer to the lower level of the Supremacy. Your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest. The adrenaline coursing through your veins is starting to wear off, even though you need it now more than ever. You remove yourself from Poe and remove your lightsaber from your belt. Everyone else readies their blasters aside for Ben and Poe who also ready their lightsabers. 

Struggling more than he had expected, Ben manages to detach himself from a reluctant Chewie, and scoot close to you. With his free hand he grasps yours and brings it up to his lips to kiss your bruised knuckles. 

_“You ready sweetheart?”_

_“As I’ll ever be.”_

“That’s going to be weird. It was weird before, watching you talk to literally no one but it’s even weirder now watching you two silently stare into each other’s eyes,” Poe says, interrupting the private moment you and Ben were having through your bond. 

You sigh and try to suppress a chuckle, which is hard to do when you see the glare Ben is aiming at him.

“Uh. . do we have a plan?” Finn asks nervously as the lift comes to a complete stop.

“We rarely do and when we do they’re usually really shitty,” Poe responds as he takes a step in front of you to block you from the lift doors. 

“That much we can agree on,” Ben scoffs. The glare you shoot in his direction makes it quite clear that anymore snarky remarks out of him will end badly. He gives you a small smile and squeezes your hand once before releasing it. 

When the lift doors open, you’re surprised to see the corridor is empty. Finn seems excited about it but the rest of you know it’s probably not a good thing. Hux more than likely has troopers surrounding the Falcon, knowing that would be your destination. 

You’re unintentionally hobbling behind the group and slowing them down. You hate feeling like a burden and do your best to speed up, ignoring the pain in your leg that only increases each time you put weight on it. After a few painful steps you audibly gasp loud enough for everyone to stop and look at you with concern. 

“I’m fine. We need to hurry. Keep going,” you say through gritted teeth. 

“You’re not fine,” Ben frowns and wraps his arm around your waist to help ease the pressure. 

You make it down two different corridors before having to stop to rest. Even with Ben’s help your leg is killing you. He leans you against the wall and takes a few steps away from you to the rest of the guys who are pressed against the wall, and peeking around a corner, making sure the coast is clear before you continue towards the hangar. You can’t hear what is said but there’s grumbling between them all and every now and then they glance your way. They could not make it any clearer that you’re the topic of conversation. They all nod in agreement before Ben makes his way back towards you with Chewie.

“You guys are shit at being subtle. What did you decide without me?”

“We think-”

Blaster fire rings out from the hallway you guys were about to walk down, barely missing Finn and Han who had their heads craned around the corner when the troopers appeared. Chewie turns and joins Han, peaking around the corner and firing his bowcaster each time there is a lull between blasts. The Falcon is so close you can practically feel it. 

A group of stormtroopers appears behind you from the area you guys had just come from. You and Ben notice at the same time, ignite your lightsabers, and block blast after blast as they fly toward you with the intent to kill. If only they knew they were shooting at the mighty Kylo Ren. Using the Force, you push back a couple of troopers while Ben reverses their blasts, hitting them right in the chests. When the troopers in front of you are down and the blasts coming at the rest of your group cease, Ben grabs you around the waist and hurriedly helps you walk towards the Falcon once again.

When you reach a set of sealed doors that should be open, Ben releases his hold on you slightly, and presses his hand against the panel directly to the left of the door. A red light flashes and the doors remain closed. He tries once more but the red light continues to flash, denying him access. They know you guys are trying to escape and they know Ben is with you. Ben continues to stand by the door, attempting to enter an override code when you grab him by the arm forcefully. Not expecting it, he staggers backwards and gives you a questioning look. You reach behind Poe, grab the blaster he has tucked in his waistband, and shoot the now destroyed access panel. 

Ben, Finn, and Poe jump a little, startled by your actions and turn to look at you as the doors slide open. Without a word you forcefully tuck the blaster back into Poe’s waistband and continue down the corridor. 

“One of these days that’s not going to work,” Ben sighs when he sees the triumphant look on Han’s face. His mother had told him all about the adventures they had been on before he was born, including his father’s tendency for shooting doors when they don’t open like they should.

“You sound like your mother,” Han chuckles. 

“We’re almost there,” Finn says when you’re almost to the end of the final corridor. The Supremacy rocks violently when another blast is fired from one of the Resistance ships. When you pass a view port you’re startled to see a battle raging on outside of the ship. Leia’s ship is hanging back a bit further than the rest but it is just as big as the ship you’re currently on. Various smaller ships are firing at the TIE fighters Hux dispatched and they’re firing back. The distraction seems to be working based on the lack of opposition you’ve encountered so far. As you round the corner a small droid zips around it and crashes right into your one working leg. 

“Kriff!” You yell unintentionally as your good knee buckles. Ben tightens his hold on you to keep you from falling and rears his leg back to kick the droid but you stop him. 

“Don’t you dare. It was an accident,” you scold Ben before addressing the round black droid that’s beeping wildly next to you. If it was a person you’re sure it would be hyperventilating. 

The small droid looks almost exactly like BB-8 only black and silver instead of the bright orange and white. Instead of the somewhat spherical head BB-8 has, the droid is flat at the top. “He kinda looks like BB-8,” you say to Poe. 

“He’s a BB-9E unit,” Ben says as he starts to raise his lightsaber, ready to to strike down the black droid hovering next to your leg. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” You frown at Ben and angle yourself slightly in front of the droid.

“It makes sure machinery is operational and also upholds security procedures. It can easily alert Hux to our whereabouts if it hasn’t already. Please move,” Ben says with slight irritation. The droid behind you beeps wildly as it leans forward just enough to peak around your leg at Ben. 

“See! He’s scared and his antenna is bent. He didn’t alert anyone,” you say in defense of the droid. When it notices the frown on Ben’s face he quickly straightens himself to hide behind your leg again.

“He’s coming with us,” you say as you glance down at the droid.

“What? No absolutely not. We-” 

“We don’t have time for this!” You cut Ben off. “He’s coming, Ben. Argue with me later,” you scowl at him so he knows for now the conversation is over. The droid beeps at you, questioning whether or not you really intended to take him with you. When you agree, he happily rolls back towards Poe and Han, and rounds the corner to check if the coast is still clear. Once it is, he sends out a series of beeps to let you guys know you’re safe to join him. 

Cautiously, Poe and Finn round the corner and approach the droid with the rest of you guys close behind. Thankfully the droid was telling the truth, the coast is clear. The hangar is quieter than before but there are still troopers milling around and preparing to leave to join the battle waging outside. There’s not too many troopers but still, enough that it will be a challenge. As expected, there is a group standing guard in front of the Falcon as well. Even with the armed guards surrounding the ship, you couldn’t stop the small smile the sight of the ship brought out. The Falcon really does feel like home and the thought of leaving it behind upset you more than you thought it would. 

You guys are doing your best to hide right outside the entry of the hangar without being seen. When the Supremacy is rocked by yet another blast, the blast is strong enough to force the ship to over correct itself. It tilts completely to the left, sending you, Han, and Poe sliding across the shiny polished black floors, directly into the middle of the hangar. Ben, Chewie, and Finn manage to grab a hold of the wall before they can join you. Ben yells your name and frantically outstretches his hand to grab a hold of yours, but your fingers barely touch as you slide away from him.

The three of you sliding into the hangar watch in horror as troopers slide towards the hangars entry barrier which only works as a barrier against the vacuum of space and does nothing to keep things in or out. One by one troopers slid towards the barrier and disappeared out into open space once passing the barrier. Before the three of you manage to share the same fate, the ship corrects itself, and you come to a stop in the center of the large hangar. When you sit up you’re surrounded by troopers, most of them also on the ground thanks to the blast.

It’s like time pauses for a minute while the troopers, you, Han, and Poe stop and exchange looks with each other as well as with the stormtroopers surrounding you. You can feel Ben panicking because he knows you can’t jump to your feet like Poe and Han can. Finn and Chewie hear stormtroopers start to head their way from the corridor you had just left. They exchange a glance and make a run for you guys. Poe acts first by jumping to his feet and igniting his lightsaber. Han hops to his feet and starts blasting at the troopers reaching for their blasters. 

You’re doing your best to get to your feet but there’s nothing to put your weight on which means applying weight to your injured leg. You bring your good leg up towards you slightly, bending at the knee to give yourself leverage. With your hands flat on the ground you try to use the Force to help you get to your feet but with blasts flying by your head at an uncomfortably close distance, it’s hard to concentrate. 

You’re sweating and trying not to cry out when you grit your teeth and put weight on your injured leg and scramble to get upright. You lift your head to see everyone around you either shooting or dodging blasts as more and more troopers start to file into the hangar. You ignite your lightsaber and look towards the Falcon. Realistically it’s not that far away but from where you’re standing, it might as well be back in Snoke’s throne room. A blast flies past your face, so close you could feel the heat of it against your cheek as it hurtles forward, straight towards Han’s back. Using the Force you change the blast's direction and knock out a random trooper that happens to be nearby. 

The troopers don’t get close enough for you to be able to use your lightsaber. You can do nothing but block blasts that are coming at you or use what little energy you still have to use the Force to divert blasts from your loved ones. You’re too busy keeping blasts away from Han to realize Ben is coming up behind you until he wraps his arm around your waist. You tense momentarily until you sense his relief over having you back within reach. 

“One of us has to unhook that tether attached to your ship. We’ll never be able to fly out of here with it attached,” Finn yells out to anyone that's within earshot. You completely forgot how the TIE fighters had towed the Falcon into the hangar when you first arrived. If Finn hadn’t mentioned it the chances of you guys successfully getting away would be even slimmer than they are now. 

Before you can make a move, BB-9 rolls past you and stops directly in front of the wall the Falcon is anchored to. He extends a small arm like tool and inserts it into a panel on the hangar wall. With a loud hiss, the tether connected to the Falcon detaches and falls to the ground. BB-9 beeps at you to let you know he helped before barreling towards the Falcon’s still lowered ramp to board the ship. 

“Go! We’ll cover you!” Poe yells in your direction with Finn beside him. Han and Chewie start backing towards the Falcon while shooting back at the troopers. Ben helps you stand a little straighter before the two of you start inching your way closer to the Falcon as well. He has one arm wrapped around you while using the other hand to use the Force when necessary. 

When blasts start coming your way you do your best to deflect it with your lightsaber, keeping them away from the both of you while Ben covers everyone else when necessary. You can see his left hand twitch, wanting to use his lightsaber as well but it’s wrapped around you. You peel his hand off and opt to wrap one of yours around him so you’re clinging to his side instead of the opposite.

Something tells you to look behind you, a creeping feeling at the base of your neck, similar to when the bond opens but not as pleasant. It’s a warning. When you glance over your shoulder you see Hux standing at the other end of the hangar and on either side of him are the Knights of Ren. You recall seeing them while in one of Ben's memories but seeing them in person is far more unsettling. They’re tall, dark, intimidating, and all wearing masks like Ben’s but instead of lightsabers they wield various types of weapons. 

You’re screwed if you don’t get to the Falcon immediately. There’s no way you guys can take on the Knights as well as the stormtroopers that seem to be coming out of nowhere. As the thought crosses your mind you see a very large looking knife, flashing and sizzling with an electric current similar to the weapons Snoke’s guards had, flying directly towards Ben from the hand of one of the knights. 

It’s amazing how fast the knight moves and you would have been impressed if the weapon wasn’t flying straight towards you. Ben’s not paying attention, too busy Force pushing troopers away from Poe and Han. There’s no way he’ll be able to dodge the knife, it’s too fast and he’s too big of a target. You know what you have to do and thankfully you still have the strength to do it. It happens almost reflexively, without a second thought really. 

You quickly close off the bond between you and Ben, not wanting him to not only sense your resolve but not wanting him to sense how terrified you are. You’re not scared for yourself, you’re scared for him because you know what’s about to happen and you know how he’s going to react. He made you a promise though and you know he won’t break that promise. He won’t be alone, he has his family back, he’ll be okay eventually. 

Ben’s eyes glance towards yours for a fraction of a second when he feels the bond close but he doesn’t have time to question it. You put weight on both your legs, despite the pain and push him as hard as you can with a little help from the Force. The abruptness and strength you used to push him out of the way startles him and knocks him off balance. He falls on his back, hits the ground, and slides a few feet away from you. When he looks up at you questionably and obviously confused it’s to see you standing where he just stood with your eyes squeezed tight, lips parted slightly, and audibly gasping. The pain is worse than anything you could have imagined. If it was a normal knife that alone would have been excruciating but this one was electrified and shocked and burned you as it entered your back.

When your knees buckle Ben quickly scrambles to his feet and rushes to catch you before you can fall. The two of you crumple to the ground, you in his lap and him on the floor with his legs underneath you. He’s not sure what happened and scans your face and body for any sign of what could be wrong. When he tries to reposition you in his lap he feels the handle of the knife and gasps. The movement of the knife as his hand brushes it makes you wince. He looks between the large knife protruding from your back and to where his former knights stand next to Hux. The knife was obviously meant for him but by the look on Hux’s face he’s content with where it landed.

“No no no no,” Ben mutters to himself repeatedly. It’s barely audible with all the chaos that continues to ensue around you. 

He’s trying his hardest not to panic but the knife is big and because of where it landed it’s possible it punctured a lung. There’s a lot of blood at first but the current that had radiated off the blade until impact had somewhat cauterized the wound. Even still, you’ve lost a decent amount of blood in a short amount of time and the wound isn’t completely sealed. 

As you start to weaken, so does your ability to keep Ben out of your head. When he feels your sense of peace and relief over saving him it nearly breaks him. 

_“You’re so warm and I’m so cold.”_

You nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck where your head is resting. He tries to reposition you into a more comfortable position without jostling you too much. The dread and panic he feels is unbelievable and you do your best to calm him through the bond. His body starts to tremble and he pulls you even closer to him.

_“It’s okay, you’ll be okay.”_

You’re doing your best to reassure him but he starts to tremble even harder and your shoulder becomes increasingly wet from what you assume is his tears. 

You hear Poe or Han yell your name, you’re not sure who it is, the noise around you all sounds muffled like you’re underwater. Whoever it is sounds almost as upset as Ben. 

“It’s not okay. Why did you push me out of the way?! I. . I would have been fine. I would have. . I would have. .” a sob racks through his body and he buries his head in the crook of your neck. 

“Please don’t leave me. . please. . please.” He starts rocking you back and forth before pulling you back a bit to look at your face which is becoming increasingly pale. The look on his face breaks your heart. He looks utterly devastated which drives home the fact that you’re most likely going to die, but you’re okay with it, as long as he lives. 

“Stop it! Don’t think that way! Don’t. . you’re not. . you’re not going to. . you’re not,” his voice cracks as your thoughts trickle through the bond. He can’t get the words out and his face scrunches up when he tries to choke back more sobs. “You said I wouldn’t be alone anymore! You can’t leave me!” 

_“It’s okay . You won’t be alone. You have your mom and dad and Chewie again. They love you, they always have.”_

You reach up and cup the side of his face with one of your hands. He leans into it and closes his eyes as tears stream down his face.

“It’s not the same. They’re not you. I love you. Please. .” before he can finish his sentence your hand goes slack in his and darkness overtakes you. 

* * *

Ben would gladly kneel before Snoke, let him tear through his mind, and punish him with the horribly painful streaks of lightning he’s so familiar with. The pain of that would be less than the pain he feels while he holds you and helplessly watches you lose consciousness. He know he’s yelling but he’s not even sure what he’s saying anymore as he pulls you back into his chest. When a blast comes dangerously close to the two of you sitting on the floor in the middle of the hangar, his attention is brought back to what’s happening around the two of you.

When he glances upwards he sees the knights he once thought of as brothers, in a weird and twisted way, standing on either side of Hux who is staring at him with an amused and satisfied look on his face. The anger Ben suddenly feels overpowers all the other emotions washing over him. The dark side is back with a force and stronger than ever, begging him to finally stop fighting it and for a moment, he doesn’t. 

As the new power washes over him he closes his eyes and welcomes it. The strength of it takes his breath away. He had tried desperately to let the dark side completely consume him but he’s always been so conflicted with the decisions he's made, he never managed to hold on to it. Right now, if he chose to do so, he could finally snuff out the light within him completely and for the first time since finding you, he’s considering it.

Blocking out everything around him, he doesn’t hear Phasma enter the hangar and order a cease fire. The stormtroopers stop firing but slowly close in around you. Two of the three Force users trying to escape are no longer a threat, which means they’re no longer at a disadvantage. 

Ben is conscious of his surroundings enough to feel Han, Poe, Chewie, and Finn inch closer to him and create a protective circle of sorts around the two of you. His breathing starts to quicken and so does his pulse as the power of the darkside increases. A large hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes slightly, forcing him to come back to the present. When his eyes snap open it’s to a startled looking Poe who quickly removes his hand.

Ben’s eyes start to turn a dark shade of crimson with hints of orange around the edges, startling Poe and forcing a gasp from his lips. Han and Chewie glance over their shoulders towards Ben and are equally as uncomfortable if the looks on their faces are any indication. After his eyes connect with Poe’s for a fraction of a second, they dart over to Hux and the Knights. Hux’s smug expression falters momentarily and it doesn’t escape Ben’s notice when the Knights visibly tense and take a small step back and away from Hux. 

Around the hangar, anything that isn’t anchored to the ground begins to levitate. Weapons and helmets discarded by dead stormtroopers, tools, and parts used to fix damaged TIE fighters start to float around them.

Ben’s breathing becomes labored and his shoulders raise and fall heavily as he tries to catch his breath. Poe is torn between trying to snap him out of whatever is happening and keeping his distance. He knows that whatever is about to happen can’t possibly be good. Ben closes his eyes tightly, tips his head back and yells. It’s so full of pain and anguish that Poe is sure he will remember the sound for the rest of his life. When Ben yells, the Force begins to radiate off of him in waves as if a bomb has gone off but he’s the bomb. Everything around the small circle of family and friends surrounding him is blasted outward and away from them, including unmanned TIE fighters and speeders. Although he’s not fully aware of what’s happening, unconsciously he's mindful enough to keep the Falcon safe as well.

The power that flows through him is addicting and almost intoxicating. He remembers now why he was so eager to welcome it to begin with. But as that thought enters his mind, so does the memory of the last time the two of you lied intertwined alone in his former room aboard the Falcon. 

* * *

_“I need you to promise me something,” you said as you covered his hand with yours. He nods and continues to rub your cheek with his thumb._

_“Promise me that no matter what happens, you’ll stay on the path you’re on. The path that leads to your parents and keeps you in the light. Promise me no matter how upset or angry you are, you won’t go to the dark side or back to Snoke.”_

_His brow furrowed as he took in your words and his thumb ceased its movement on your cheek._

_“I-”_

_“Promise me, Ben,” you said with more severity so he fully understood how important it was to you._

_“I promise.”_

* * *

The memory sobers him enough to know that if he did decide to welcome the dark side, he would carry the guilt of a broken promise until the day he died. He takes a deep breath and tries to concentrate on things that anchor him to the light, mainly you. The way you smile at him, the way his name sounds in the quiet of the Falcon, how smooth your skin is, the way your hair smells, the way your body feels flush against his with his arms wrapped around you. Most importantly, the way you make him feel. You make him want to be a better person. He wants to travel the galaxy, doing what he can to make amends for all the dark deeds he’s committed while following Snoke’s orders. 

His thoughts travel to his father. He remembers being little and sitting on his father's lap while he flew the Falcon with a promise to fly it himself one day. He remembers Chewie teaching him Shyriiwook while he was perched on his large shoulder. He remembers his mother giving him a calligraphy set so he could write her letters while she was away on diplomatic business. Each memory anchors him to the light a little more, forcing the darkness to slowly disappear.

When he feels like himself again, and the darkness is almost completely gone, he opens his red tear filled eyes and glances around until they land on Han. He isn’t sure exactly what happened but he knows he lost control. 

When Ben was little and he’d lose his temper, he remembered the look of fear and hesitancy Han would give him, not knowing how to handle a young and extremely temperamental Force user. It bothered him a lot, he didn’t want his parents to be afraid of him. He was certain when his eyes met Han’s he would see the same look on his face and he braced himself for it. Instead, when he looked at his father, all he saw was concern and sadness. 

“Ben,” Han says quietly as he kneels down to Ben’s level. The affection in his voice causes a fresh wave of tears to make their appearance. 

“Dad.” 

Han glances from where you lay limp against Ben’s chest, and Ben. “Let’s get her on the Falcon. Your mom isn’t too far from here. Poe let her know what happened. She’s got medics waiting for us.”

Ben looks around the hangar and is surprised to see it practically empty. The troopers that had been shooting at them and advancing on them were unconscious and laying around various parts of the hangar. Hux and the Knights were no longer standing by and watching gleefully as Ben held you close to him. His eyes met Han’s once more and he looked at him confused, seeking an explanation for what happened.

“We can talk about it in the Falcon. We have to go.” Han gripped Ben by the forearm and helped him to his feet. He was about to offer his help carrying you but he knew Ben wasn’t going to let you go. 

The moment they entered the ship, the ramp is lifted and the Falcon starts to move. BB-9 rolls out of the cockpit and stops next to Ben as he sits with you cradled in his arms next to the Dejarik table. He leans his head back and closes his eyes the moment he’s sitting somewhat comfortably. The small droid rolls closer to him and nudges him gently when he doesn’t notice him. Ben lifts his head and glances down at the droid questionably. If he wasn’t so exhausted he probably would have been annoyed.

“What?” Ben sighs. The droid beeps sadly and tilts his head a bit towards you. “She’ll be okay. . . she has to be,” Ben says, voice tight with barely contained emotion. He looks at you and pulls you even closer to him. BB-9 makes one more sad beep before planting himself next to Ben for the remainder of the flight to Leia’s ship.

Finn and Poe appear shortly after. Finn looked increasingly uncomfortable, obviously unsure how to handle the current situation. Poe’s eyes meet Ben’s for a second before focusing on you. He knows you aren’t dead yet but you look like a corpse in Ben’s arms. 

The silence starts to make Finn increasingly uncomfortable as the two men alternate between silently staring at each other then at you. 

“Um. . should. . should we leave the knife in her back. . I mean. . wouldn’t it be better to remove it?”

Poe swallows and finally takes his attention off of you. “No. That knife had an electrical current on the blade. It cauterized the wound. When it’s removed she’s going to start bleeding again and she’s already lost a lot of blood. We need to get to Leia before we do that. We won’t be able to stop the bleeding here.”

Ben closes his eyes again and leans his head against the back of the seat when he addresses Poe. “What happened back there?” Poe looks from Ben to Finn, unsure what he wants Finn to know. “Hey, can you check with Han and find out how long we have until we get to there?”

“You can just say you want to talk alone. I get it,” Finn says with a small smile before turning towards the cockpit.

Poe sits on the other side of Ben, near your head, and stares down at you while speaking to him.

“You kinda lost your shit, which I understand. You yelled a lot then there was a Force wave. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was like you radiated the Force. Everything around us was blasted backward, including that ginger asshole and his new boyband...no offense.”

“None taken.”

“You’re uh. . your eyes changed colors.”

“What?” Ben's eyes shot open and he sat up abruptly.

“Yeah. They turned red before you flung everyone around like rag dolls. But you closed them again and calmed down. When you opened them you were back to normal...it was the dark side wasn’t it? She told me more than you’re probably comfortable with me knowing so I know you’ve had...issues with that.”

Ben sighs and glances down at you. If you were awake and healthy he would definitely be irritated with you. “That’s putting it mildly but yes. I _had_ issues with it until she came along,” he chuckles without taking his eyes off of you. A few loose strands of hair are hanging over your face. His fingers itch to push the hair behind your ears but he couldn’t risk moving you more than necessary. 

As if he read Ben’s mind, Poe reaches over and moves the hair out of your face. Ben has to swallow back possessiveness and jealousy while watching him touch you but he’s starting to get a better understanding of your relationship with Poe. Regardless, your closeness will probably always bother him.

“Sorry I shot you,” Poe mutters after a few minutes of silence passes between the two men.

“I deserved it but don’t tell her that.”

“Trust me, I know better than to piss her off and nothing pisses her off more than someone saying shit about you. She’s worse than Leia.”

Finn rounds the corner a moment later. “Han said to prepare to land. We’re about to enter the hangar.” Poe glances at you once more before standing and following Finn into the cockpit.

Ben can feel the moment the Falcon touches down in the hangar. It hit him then that he is about to see his mother for the first time in years and he starts to panic. He reaches out to you through the bond as if you'll suddenly give him some sort of advice or reassurance that she really does want to see him, that she really does want him home. He wants to hear your voice ringing through his head while you send a wave of confidence and calm over him but neither of those things happen. This is something he needs to do on his own, even if he is terrified. 

The sound of the Falcon’s ramp lowering only increases Ben’s anxiety. Poe is the first one out of the ship with Finn close behind him. Before existing the ship, Chewie approaches the two of you and growls quietly at Ben before tussling his hair like he does every time he sees you. 

“I know uncle Chewie. She’ll be okay,” Ben says with a sad smile. After Chewie leaves the ship Han walks up to Ben and helps him stand once again. Han isn’t Force sensitive by any means but even he can tell Ben’s anxiety is sky high knowing he’s about to see his mother for the first time in years. When Ben and Han approach the top of the ramp, Han gives his arm a squeeze. 

“Relax son. I know your mother is terrifying but trust me when I say she’s missed you more than you can imagine. We all have,” Han smiles slightly and descends the ramp. 

Ben glances down at you once more, takes a deep breath, and follows his father. 

* * *

As expected, Leia is the first one Ben sees when he steps off the Falcon. His steps falter momentarily when their eyes meet. He’s expecting to see disappointment and sadness in her eyes but it isn’t what he sees. She looks genuinely happy to see him with a small smile on her face that quickly leaves when her eyes land on your unconscious form.

The crowd of Resistance members gathered around Leia gasp as Ben approaches his mother. He isn’t sure whether it’s because they know he’s “Ben Solo,” the son of Leia and Han that was supposedly killed or if it’s because it looks like he’s holding a corpse with a large knife protruding from it’s back. 

“Mom. . I’m sorry,” Ben says shakily once he reaches Leia. 

“I love you Ben. I’ve missed you so much,” she said low enough so only the two of them can hear before reaching up and cupping his cheek.

“I know.” 

Ben’s eyes instantly well with tears as he leans into his mother's hand. She gives him a small smile before removing her hand and placing it on your cold cheek. Her brow furrows and her eyes leave you to look up at Ben with worry.

“She’ll be okay. She’s fine. She just needs to rest and she’ll be okay,” Ben says more to himself than to her. Leia doesn’t want to upset her already clearly distraught son by telling him the chances of that being true are probably slim. 

“Of course she will be Ben. Let’s get her to the med bay.”

Poe is waiting for him at the entrance to the hangar, knowing he won’t know where the med bay is in the large ship. Leia, Han, and Chewie are trailing fairly close behind him. He can’t hear what they’re saying but they’re having a hushed conversation which he assumes is about him. 

The looks the Resistance members are giving him and the whispers regarding his sudden appearance and your condition don’t escape his notice either. Even though everyone is being fairly quiet, it feels so loud to him. He wants nothing more than to fix you up and lay down with you in the quiet of your quarters on the Falcon. 

Poe turns the corner to lead him down a long corridor but stops suddenly, causing Ben to almost run into him. When Ben looks up, his uncle is standing at the other end of the hallway, directly in front of the med bay. Ben’s anger instantly spikes. He isn’t sure if his mother felt it but Poe definitely did based on how he quickly looks over his shoulder at Ben before slowly inching his way in front of him to block his path to his uncle. 

“Ben,” Luke says calmly as he glances between Ben and the body in his arms.

“Move,” Ben says angrily through gritted teeth.

“I just want to help. You know I can heal-”

“I said move.”

Poe stays close to Ben's side when Ben starts to slowly close the gap between him and his uncle. Poe knows realistically, if the two men started to go at one another, there really wouldn't be anything he could do about it. Lukes a Jedi master and Poe's witnessed first hand Ben's ability to tap into the dark side when he's upset. Poe's barely learned he can use the Force. The best he could do is try and play referee and hope it doesn't get that far but the tension is palpable by the time Ben is a stone's throw away from Luke. The closer they get to one another the more Poe starts to think it may actually become physical.

“Move,” Ben says again as he closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing before his anger gets the best of him again. The last thing he wants to do after reuniting with his parents is to make a scene by having an emotional outburst.

“Ben, I just-”

“I SAID MOVE!” 

Ben’s eyes snap open and flash the shade of crimson Poe was unfortunately familiar with for half a second. Luke’s eyes widen and he takes a step back when he sees it. The dark side is still present as ever in his nephew, even without Snoke’s influence. The Force ripples with agitation around Ben but calms when Leia reaches out a hand and places it on Ben’s forearm.

“Sweetie, he just wants to help her. She’s in bad shape and we both know he can help her faster than any of the medics can,” Leia says calmly.

“She wouldn’t want his help, regardless of how injured she is. She hates him almost as much as I do, maybe even more,” Ben says heatedly while never taking his eyes off of his uncle.

“Ben-”

“He’s right Leia,” Han interrupts her and steps forward to defend Ben’s decision. “She wouldn’t want his help.” Han angrily glares towards Luke and Leia sighs. She hasn’t been given all the details of what happened on Ahch-To but she knows enough to know tensions are high between all parties involved.

Ben is still breathing heavily when you move minutely in his arms. He gasps and the anger instantly vanishes and is replaced with concern and anxiety. He doesn’t bother speaking to his uncle again. Instead he pushes past him, enters the med bay, and lays you on your side on one of the beds. The small group of medical staff instantly descends upon you and get to work. They do their best to move around him knowing he isn’t going to leave your side.

“Ben why don’t we get you something to eat, it’s been a long day,” Leia says as she gently grabs his arm and pulls him away from your bedside to give the med staff room to work. 

“I’m not hungry,” he says as he watches as one of the nurses grab a large pair of shears and cut through your blood soaked shirt and bra. He winces when he sees just how bad the wound is. The skin is cauterized around the blade and has started to bruise around it. Ben is happy to see how quickly Poe turns his back to you once they start to undress you. Leia quickly steps forward and closes the curtain around the bed to give you some privacy. 

“You might not be but I am and I know you’re exhausted. Don’t bother arguing with me you know I’m right. You could also use a shower.”

“I don’t-”

“You really think it’s a good idea to be by her side in this sterile room covered in blood, sweat, and dirt?”

She’s right and he hates it. 

“She’s going to be pissed if she wakes up and you still look like that,” Poe says and moves to stand next to him against the wall with you still in his line of sight. “I’ll stay with her until you get back and I know better than to let Skywalker near her.”

“C’mon kid, she’s not going anywhere,” Han says quietly.

Ben glances at the privacy curtain then to Poe who nods at him to reassure him he won’t be leaving your side while he’s gone. With a sigh Ben turns and allows his parents to walk him out of the med bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter may be the last. . or there may be one more. . haven't decided yet but we're nearing the end. I fully intended to have smut way earlier in the story but it didn't feel right considering where the characters were until now so I hope ya'll aren't disappointed having to wait until the very end of the story to get some sexy time.


	17. I'm Just His Satellite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up and learn what happened while you were unconscious. 
> 
> Family drama ensues because it's the Skywalker's and that's their middle name.
> 
> Poe really is your BFF.
> 
> Some smut for any of you who've been waiting 18 chapters for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I extended it again only because this chapter is long AF and I still haven't tied up loose ends. For sure this story won't pass 20 but I think 19 is the last chapter. As of right now, there's one more chapter than a short Epilogue.

* * *

_  
Like a meteor cutting across a starless night_  
 _He brightens up my darkest hour_  
 _He's gentle and he's true_  
 _Never tries to force me, oh, no  
_ _  
And so I follow him_  
 _Like the tail of a comet_  
 _I'm just his satellite, yeah_  
 _Never stray into any other orbit_  
 _Not while he's around_

_I'm empty when he's away from me_   
_My heart's a black hole_   
_Because he's the one who makes my skies a heaven_   
_No nothing will ever eclipse our love_

_I'm Just His Satelite - Leia Organa  
'Chanteuse of the Stars' Star Wars comic issue #77  
  
_

* * *

The crisp clean scent of a sanitized sterile room is the first thing you notice before opening your eyes. But the smell isn’t what wakes you and neither does the feel of the clean sheets beneath you. The intense and all-consuming heat radiating from your side is what does it. The heat and the feel of the person plastered to your side like a second skin is familiar enough to know who it is without bothering to check.

Ben.

You’re not sure exactly what happened after passing out in his arms in the hangar on the Supremacy but you know he’ll fill you in once he figures out you’re awake. What happened really doesn’t matter because Ben is alive and aside from the stress and worry he’s feeling, he’s okay. The gentle hum of a ship's engine tells you that you made it to Leia’s ship and are traveling through hyperspace to who knows where. Part of you wants to panic because you aren’t sure if everyone else made it out okay. Are they on the ship with you? 

When you open your eyes, you’re in a very white and dimly lit room. The walls are white, the tile on the floor is white, and the sheets are white. It’s a stark contrast to the black and red ship you were on the last time you were awake. 

Ben’s arm is lying across your stomach and his giant hand is gently holding onto your waist while he sleeps. You blink back tears of relief while staring up at the clean white ceiling above you. He really is okay and the extremely painful knife you took to the back wasn’t in vain. The completely devastated look on his face before you blacked out flashes through your mind and you can’t help but feel a little guilty for putting him through it. Slowly, you turn your head to the left and are greeted with the sight of his sleeping face. He's frowning slightly and you have to restrain yourself from reaching up and smoothing his frown lines with your thumb.

Through the bond you do your best to send him a wave of comfort to sooth the worries he carries even in his sleep. The moment it works his frown slowly disappears and his breathing evens out a bit more than before. To test how asleep he is, you slowly fidget in his grasp. When in the same position on the Falcon, the slightest movement causes him to pull you even closer to him and tighten his grip on whatever part of your body he is touching at the time.

When you move and he doesn’t stir you start to sit up but a tightness in your back takes you by surprise causing you to gasp quietly. You breathe a sigh of relief when you glance over to him and he’s still sleeping deeply. The bags under his eyes indicate he hasn’t been sleeping well, if at all. The longer he sleeps, the better, even if you want nothing more than to let him know you’re okay.

Your back doesn’t hurt like it did back in the hangar but the tightness of the skin there tells you the wound isn’t completely healed. Slowly, you lift Ben’s large and heavy arm from across your waist and set it gently on the bed directly next to you so he’s still touching you but no longer restricting your movement. Holding on to the bed’s railing, you prepare yourself for the pain you may feel when trying to sit up but there’s hardly any. Ben slightly curls in on himself in his sleep on your left. His back is pressed up against a large window with a beautiful view of the stars passing by the ship as it travels at hyper-speed. 

When you look to your right you see an unexpected face in the chair next to your bed. Poe is asleep with his head hanging back against the back of the small chair he’s sitting in. His arms are folded across his chest and he’s also frowning a little. It’s only when you start to reposition yourself by putting most of your weight on the beds rail do you notice the IV needle inserted into the crook of your elbow.

The Resistance doesn’t have technology as up to date as the First Order which means even their medical equipment is a bit outdated. It obviously did the job though, you’re alive after all. After removing the clear tape keeping the IV in your arm, you slowly pull the rather large needle out and quickly cover the small hole with your finger to keep it from bleeding. Your arm brushes your chest when you reposition yourself making you hyper aware of how little you’re wearing. Your blood and dirt covered cowl and pants are gone and in their place is a clean white, rather form fitting for a hospital gown, dress. 

Your hair is down and resting over your shoulders, making you realize just how badly you need a haircut. You’ve never gone this long without one and you’re not too keen on having your hair constantly in your face. Although, you do enjoy when Ben places it behind your ears. You run your fingers through it in a poor attempt to somewhat tame it but your fingers get caught on a small braid, causing you to pull your own hair. You curse under your breath, not realizing it was loud enough for Poe to hear. The braid was definitely not there before since you have no idea how to even braid hair, not as intricately as it’s done anyways. Who the hell would be braiding your hair while you’re unconscious? 

Poe stirs, your eyes widen, and you freeze, hoping he’ll go back to sleep. It’s obvious he needs it just as much as Ben does. He glances around the room, slightly disoriented from sleep. It takes him a minute to remember where he is but when he does his head goes to his left immediately. 

His eyes widen and his mouth parts to speak but you quickly bring your finger to your lips to shush him silently. You tilt your head and gesture towards Ben behind you so he knows why you want him to stay quiet. After he gives you a small nod of acknowledgement, he scoots his chair closer to the bed. At the same time your stomach growls loudly and your hand shoots to cover it as if the gesture will shut it up. Poe quirks an eyebrow and looks from your stomach to your face. 

“I’ll be right back,” he whispers so quietly you almost don’t hear him.

Before you have a chance to respond, Poe is walking out of the med bay and closing the door quietly behind him. Unsure what to do with yourself, you cross your legs in front of you and look over your shoulder at the stars and at Ben. A small flashing light by the window behind Ben catches your attention. A datapad is resting behind him and flashing with a notification. Leia must have given it to him once you guys arrived. 

Gently reaching over him, you pick up the datapad and try to unlock the screen but it requires a password to do so. After a minute of considering what he may have used as a password, you smile and tap the screen to enter your name. The lock screen disappears and gives you full access to the datapad. Shaking your head slightly at how predictable he is, you start to browse through it. 

The first thing that appears on the screen is your picture which takes you by surprise. Even though it was obviously taken while you were passed out, it looks as if you’re sleeping and not unconscious. The notification that has the datapad flashing is in the far right of the screen. A screen with your vitals and notes on your progress from the medical staff appears when you tap the notification. You don’t need to read it to know how screwed up you were when you arrived so you swipe past that and continue snooping. 

There are messages between Ben and Leia, Ben and Poe, and Ben and Han. You feel bad invading his privacy but you decide to read through them knowing Ben won’t care. It’s not like you guys can keep things from each other anyway, not when you can literally read each other's minds. 

* * *

Mom: Ben you need to rest. The doctor said she’s going to be asleep for at least a few days.

Ben: I’m not tired. I’m fine.

Mom: Bullshit. Don’t lie to me Benjamin.

Ben: I’m not lying.

Mom: Fine. Keep in mind how upset she will be when she sees the dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep.

Ben: I just want to be here when she wakes up. I don’t want her to think I abandoned her.

Mom: Oh Ben, we both know that’s not what she would think. You don't’ give her enough credit.

Ben: I guess you’re right. 

Mom: I’m always right. Your father is on his way to the med bay now. He’s going to sit with her while you sleep for a bit.

Ben: Okay

Mom: I love you Ben.

Ben: I know.

* * *

Dad: Hey kid, your mother just told me she’s forcing you to rest. I’m heading there now. Need anything?

Ben: I’m fine.

Dad: Food. Got it.

Ben: I don’t need food dad. I’m fine.

Dad: Lots of food. Okay see you soon.

* * *

Best Buddy: Hey pal

Ben: What?

Best Buddy: Well hello to you to

(One hour later)

Best Buddy: So what are you up to today?

Ben: Why is your name ‘Best Buddy’ in my data pad and how the hell do I change it?

Best Buddy: I have no idea what you’re talking about. 

Ben: I hate you.

Best Buddy: Liar :)

(One hour later)

Best Buddy: So how are things?

Ben: Are you really asking me that question? What do you want Dameron?

Best Buddy: Sheesh. So grumpy. I’m just checking in. 

Ben: If you want to know how she is you should be getting updates sent to you. My mother told the med staff to keep you informed.

Best Buddy: Oh she did. 

Ben: Then I’ll ask again. What the hell do you want Dameron?

Best Buddy: Do I need a reason to message my best friend?

Ben: Yes and since when the hell did we become friends? Is this because you still feel guilty for shooting me? If so, you can make it up to me by not speaking to me.

Best Buddy: No can do buckaroo. We’re friends whether you like it or not.

Ben: I don’t have friends.

Best Buddy: You do now :)

Ben: Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?

Best Buddy: Regularly. 

* * *

The snort that comes out of you is unattractive and louder than you intended. You quickly cover your mouth to contain the laughter that’s threatening to come out and glance over your shoulder to make sure Ben is still asleep. When he doesn’t stir you go back to the data pad until you see the door slowly open. 

Poe enters the room quietly with a tray piled with an assortment of food and drinks. After setting the tray down on a small side table, he slides the table next to the bed so the tray of food is directly in front of you.

He leans in and whispers when he sees the questioning look on your face. “What? I didn’t know what you’d want so I brought you a little bit of everything. Plus, I’ve seen how much you eat. This is like a snack to you.”

You frown and start removing a sandwich from a small plastic container. The first bite is so good you almost audibly moan and can’t help but close your eyes with contentment. Poe chuckles and pulls his chair as close to the bed as possible so the two of you will be able to hear one another when whispering.

“How long was I out?” You ask in between bites, doing your best not to talk with your mouth full. 

“A week.”

The food in your mouth almost goes down wrong and you barely manage to swallow instead of choking.

“A week!”

Poe nods. “You were in bad shape princess.”

He fills you in on how you guys got away and how Ben lost control. He approaches the subject cautiously, unsure whether or not it would upset you to hear. It takes him by surprise when you merely shrug and continue eating.

“That doesn’t bother you or worry you?”

“Honestly, no. I sort of lost control back in the throne room before we killed Snoke. I knew he wouldn’t handle me being injured well. He promised me he wouldn’t go to the dark side if anything happened to me so I know even if it looks that way, he’ll come back to the light. Thanks for being here for him though. I saw your messages,” you smirk and open a container that’s full of some sort of fruit mixture. 

“Pfft. He loves me, he just won’t admit it.”

“I know this is a dumb question but how is he doing? I really really want to wake him up but he looks exhausted.”

Poe gives you a look that plainly says he agrees with you, it’s a stupid question. 

“Has he left here at all?”

“I mean. . not really. When we first got here he did for a bit but only because Leia forced him to. They made him eat and clean himself up. I watched over you while he was gone. The knife punctured a lung and they’re honestly not sure how you made it all the way here. Your heart stopped twice and both times Ben wasn’t around. Since then he hasn’t left. At least not until they took you off the breathing machine. When he’s in here he’s usually passed out next to you. I think he’s been healing you secretly and it’s been tiring him out.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t try to do that to begin with.”

“We tried but Leia put her foot down. She said your injuries would take too much out of us and that it could potentially kill us if not done properly. Ben and I have been doing it just a little bit once a day so no one would notice but I think he’s been doing it behind my back.”

“We? Since when do you know how to Force heal?”

“Since I read the books Luke gave you and finished the book Maz left you. I hate reading but I learned some shit.”

“Well if they keep me trapped in here you’ll have to bring them to me so I can catch up. I refuse to know less about the Force than you do.”

The two of you sit in silence while you scarf down the rest of the food he brought you. The smug look on his face says ‘told you so’ the moment you finish the last container of food. When you reach the bottom of the tray, there’s a data pad similar to Ben’s.

“That’s yours. Our info is all in it so you can contact us at any time and I expect you to. I get bored very easily and Ben is shit at small talk.”

“What’s the password?” The screen is password protected just like Ben’s was.

“Princess Solo,” one word, Poe smiles and winks. 

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t,” he stands up and surprises you when he leans over and kisses you on the top of the head. Without making eye contact he picks up the empty tray and food containers and turns to leave the room. “I’m gonna let Han and Leia know you’re awake but I’m going to tell them to give you some privacy."

“Okay. Thanks Poe.”

“Don’t die again. I kind of like having a best friend and Ben’s not quite cutting it.”

“I’ll try not to,” you chuckle and watch him leave the room, closing the door behind him. 

After being in a coma for a week you definitely shouldn’t be tired but you are, especially after eating as much as you did. You carefully bring your legs back up onto the bed and push the blankets towards your feet. Ben radiates enough heat that you don’t need to bundle up. Gently lifting his arm, you slide back underneath it the way you had been when you first woke up only this time you turn onto your side with your back facing the door.

When your eyelids get too heavy to stay open, you finally succumb to sleep. You’re not sure how long you’re asleep for this time but the room is still dim, the stars are still racing by, and Ben is still asleep when you wake up. Even though he’s still asleep, your patience has run out so you decide to wake him up.

Leaning closer to him you gently press your lips against his and cup the side of his face with your free hand. It takes him a moment to respond but once he does it’s with passion. Not the hungry needy kiss that usually happens when you’re alone and half naked. This is soft and affectionate, almost painfully so. You’re not sure if it’s because of everything that has happened or because you’re actually touching him in person and not through the bond but the intensity of his touch is mind boggling and he’s not even awake. 

When you pull back he leans forward to seek out your lips but doesn’t seem to be fully awake because you notice a tear streak down his cheek as he pulls you closer to his chest, his eyes remain closed the entire time. Using your thumb, you gently wipe away the lone tear and nuzzle the side of his face with yours. If he doesn’t fully wake up soon you’re going to stop fondling him and let him sleep. He should definitely rest more if he’s so tired he sleeps through kisses.

When you decide it’s better to let him sleep you start to pull away from him but before you can he pulls you into his chest roughly. You gasp when his hand presses down on your semi healed wound, partially because it feels like he’s pressing on a tender bruise, partially because you hadn’t expected him to pull you into him so quickly and forcefully. 

He retracts his arm as if you burned him and his eyes snap open to meet yours. You’re not sure what you’re expecting him to do but it isn’t just to freeze and stare at you, which is exactly what he’s doing. You place your hand back on his cheek and rub your thumb against his cheekbone.

Without saying anything he lifts his hand and places it on the back of your neck with his fingers in the hair at the base of your skull and scans your face, his eyes slowly fill with tears. He’s looking at you like he can’t believe you’re real, like you’re a figment of his imagination. The look on his face combined with the emotions he’s practically drowning you in is almost overwhelming.

“Hi handsome,” you whisper when the silence becomes too much for you. Instead of responding he grabs your face with both hands and presses his lips against yours with enough force to bruise. You can’t help but smile into it.

After a few seconds he pulls away to stare at you again but doesn’t remove his hands from your face. His eyes are rimmed red and the tears are threatening to spill over at any moment as he scans your face again. 

When you open your mouth to speak, he pulls you in again and kisses you senseless, only pulling away to catch his breath. 

“I missed you too,” you chuckle, trying to lighten the mood but he still looks wrecked and not in the way you’d prefer. “Ben? Are you-”

He removes his hands from your face and buries his head against your chest, trying not to dive face first in between your breasts. Although he very much likes it there, that’s not what’s on his mind at the moment. He carefully wraps his arm around you again but doesn’t pull you in closer. Even if he did, you’re so close your body is practically melding to his so there really isn’t any way you can get closer to him. When he starts to tremble you start to worry. You run your hand through his hair and give it a small tug, just enough for him to know to look up.

“Ben?”

“I-I-I thought I lost you. . I did lose you. . twice. . I thought. . I can’t,” a sob racks through his body and he buries his face against you once more to hide his face. You continue running your hand through his hair until he calms down enough to talk to you again. After a couple of minutes the trembling subsides and the only sound you hear out of him is a few sniffles here and there.

“Why did you do it? You shouldn’t have pushed me out of the way. I would have been fine. You. . you said you wouldn’t leave me and you almost did. . I lost control. . I-”

“I know what happened. Poe brought me food a bit ago and filled me in. I didn’t want to wake you up so don’t get pissy about it. It doesn’t matter that you lost control. What matters is that you did but you still came back. You didn’t let it consume you and you didn’t break your promise. And don’t you dare lecture me about pushing you out of the way. Not unless you want to piss me off within the first 30 minutes of me being awake. I did it and I would do it again in a second.”

“But-”

“Ben. . one more word about it. . _one_ more word and I swear not only will I kick your ass out of this bed but I won’t let you touch me for a week. You’ll have to sleep with Poe because you sure as hell won’t be sleeping next to me.”

Ben’s lips are parted as you rant, waiting for the right moment to jump in and argue with you but your threat stops him and his mouth shuts quickly. 

“Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page,” you say with less irritation as you lean in and kiss him again. 

Ben instantly responds more passionately this time. He slides one arm underneath your head so you’re resting on his bicep, while his other arm reaches over you so he can slide his hand in your hair. When you lick his bottom lip he parts his and grants you access to his mouth. A small moan escapes his lips but he isn’t remotely embarrassed by it. He’s kissing you. You’re alive and he’s kissing you. Not through the bond, but for real. You are physically safe in his arms with your mouth on his and Ben’s reeling from it. His mind can’t quite grasp the reality of it. 

Kissing you in person is something otherworldly. He thought kissing you through the bond was something he’d never get tired of but this, this is something else. It’s as if through the bond everything was fogged down, only giving him a vague idea of what you felt like and what you tasted like. Now, in person, everything is twice as intense and it has him reeling.

He quickly takes control of the kiss and practically devours your mouth, every now and then letting out a small moan or whimper and it drives you crazy. You’ve been practically comatose for a week, getting him naked shouldn’t be a priority but right now it’s the only thing you can think of. His train of thought is the same if the very hard erection pressed against your front is an indicator. Ben pulls away from you slightly so he can catch his breath. Instead of kissing your lips, he kisses the side of your mouth, then your cheek, then behind your ear, your jawline, under your jaw, and then your neck. 

In between sloppy wet kisses he lightly drags his teeth across your skin, sending warmth throughout your body and straight to your core. You shudder slightly at the intensity of the feel of his lips and teeth against your skin. You run your hand through his hair, grab a handful, and tug hard enough to pull him away from your neck. He gasps but not in pain, definitely not in pain, giving you access to his neck this time. Starting at his lips, you kiss along the side of his face like he had done to you. By the time you get to his neck he’s practically rutting into you. He gently rolls you from your side to your back and half leans over you, placing his left hand on your stomach, and putting most of his weight on his right elbow. If he were to swing his leg over you he’d be completely on top of you but he’s holding himself back. Medical staff come and go throughout the day to check on you and he knows it’s only a matter of time before the two of you are interrupted. Even so, he can’t bring himself to stop touching you.

When he leans over you, something small and a little heavy lands on your chest. To Ben's dismay, you pull away from him to see what it is. Your kyber crystal is dangling from his neck, and resting on your chest. You didn't even realize you weren't wearing it around your neck anymore. You pick it up and roll it your fingers like you've done so many times when nervous or unsure of something.

“Oh. . sorry. The nurse said I had to take it off of you and I didn’t want to lose it.” He reaches behind his neck to remove it but you stop him before he can. 

“You keep it for me. If we can’t heal your crystal you’re going to need a new one. It was Padme’s. If it’s going to bond with anyone it will be you,” you say as you smile up at him. He doesn't say anything as he stares down at you like you're the greatest gift he's ever received.

“Ben,” you whisper breathlessly when his hand starts to trail along your stomach and further up. The sound of his name on your lips after so long without it sends him spinning and diving back to your lips.

You’d be happy spending the rest of the day and/or night kissing him but the door swings open, the lights turn on, and in walks Han, Leia, BB-8, Poe, and a very excited black droid rolling between their legs, almost knocking Poe down in the process. 

Ben grabs the blanket at the foot of the bed and pulls it up to your shoulders, as if you were naked and he’s protecting your modesty. Really, you think he may be protecting his own.

He collapses next to you, giving his elbow a break from his weight, sighs dramatically, and buries his head in the crook of your neck. The light is bright and slightly hurts your eyes thanks to being in partial darkness since the moment you woke up. You thought maybe that’s why Ben hid his face but you’re pretty sure it’s because the two of you were caught in a compromising position. You can practically feel the heat of his cheeks against your shoulder where his cheek is resting.

“Good morning love birds,” Poe says with a smile as he pulls his chair close to the side of the bed and leans back with his hands behind his head.

“Piss off, Dameron,” Ben says angrily against your skin. His large arm drapes across your waist and his hand rests on your side, squeezing it just enough to let you know you can't go anywhere even if you want to.

“Nice to see my sons taking care of you kid,” Han says with a smirk which causes Ben to groan with embarrassment. You snort unattractively at the statement, trying not to laugh for Ben’s sake.

“Yeah he’s taking very good care of me,” Ben gives your side a quick warning squeeze, making you chuckle. 

“How are you feeling?” Leia asks with a small smile as she looks between her son who still has his face buried into your neck. 

"I'm fine."

The sight of all of them in the same room, minus Chewie, almost brings tears to your eyes. You did it. You brought Ben home, you brought Leia and Han’s son back to them like you said you would and everyone is okay. Leia sees you start to tear up and sits on the edge of the bed, outstretches her hand for you to take, and gives yours a small squeeze while mouthing ‘thank you.’ You nod and give her hand a small squeeze in return. 

Ben finally stops hiding, cheeks no longer red, and pants no longer tight. He pulls his face away from your neck, after giving it a small quick kiss, and sits up slightly. Leaning on his right arm, he twirls a strand of your unruly hair around his finger using his left hand. 

“Are you guys all okay? Where’s Chewie? Oh, and Finn, is he adjusting okay? Do people know he was a stormtrooper?”

“We’re all fine. Chewie’s working on the Falcon but I’m sure he’ll be in to see you in a bit. He’s been sneaking in here to check on the two of you when he thinks we won’t notice,” Han says as he leans against the wall across from your bed and crosses his arms.

“Finn’s good too. He’s adjusted quickly and yeah people know he was a stormtrooper but no one really cares. If anything it’s made everyone respect him even more,” Poe adds.

“What a pretty braid. Did you do it yourself?” Leia asks. Without you noticing, Ben tenses, his cheeks go red, and he gives Leia an almost pleading look.

“Oh, I was going to ask about this actually,” you pick up the complicated looking braid and roll it through your fingers. “I woke up with it. I know how to do a basic braid but nothing nearly this intricate or this pretty. Did one of you do it?” 

Leia coughs to hide the laugh she can’t contain at the sight of her poor son’s face. He looks as if he might pass out at any moment. Han smirks but says nothing and of course, Poe gives Ben a knowing look. He’s about to rat him out but stops when he sees the look on your face and turns to see what you’re glaring at.

“Kriff," he sighs under his breath and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Ben isn’t paying much attention to anyone or anything except your hair, oddly enough, so he doesn’t see Luke at first and isn’t paying enough attention to sense him. When your body tenses and you start to sit up, he knows something is wrong. 

“What’s wr-” He doesn’t bother asking his question because the answer is standing at the entrance of the med bay staring back at him.

Ben doesn’t bother getting up, instead, he continues to lean on his elbow next to you but he drops the hair he was playing within exchange for resting his hand on your thigh under the blanket. A small part of you thinks he’s putting his hand there so if you were to leap from the bed to strangle Luke he’d be able to hold you back. The thought crossed your mind.

“Good to see you’re okay.”

“Piss off and go to hell,” you say angrily through gritted teeth. Ben has the audacity to chuckle and smirk at his mother. “Told you,” he says as he gives your thigh a small squeeze to ground you when he feels your temper rising. As much as he’d like to watch you beat the hell out of his estranged uncle, he’s calm and rational enough to know now is not the time or the place. Especially since you haven’t been officially released from the med bay yet.

“Nice to see your near-death experience hasn’t affected your personality,” Luke scoffs. 

Leia sighs and rubs her temples. Han says nothing but the look on his face proves he’s just as happy to see his brother-in-law as you are.

“Why are you even here? Snoke is dead, thanks to me and your nephew. You hid like the coward you are and you have the audacity to show your face once we’ve done the dirty work? Some Jedi Master you are. Actually, I take that back. You might have been a great Jedi Master once but now you’re nothing but a coward and a really really shitty uncle. So once again, I ask that you kindly piss off and get out of my sight.”

“I think you should hear what Luke has to say,” Leia says in such a motherly tone you _almost_ listen.

You’re genuinely taken aback by her words and it must show on your face. Ben sighs and starts to rub circles on your thigh with his thumb in an attempt to calm you down. It’s such a sweet gesture that normally it would make you want to kiss him but right now it’s actually pissing you off. Shouldn’t he be just as angry, if not more, at the sight of the man who was supposed to protect him and failed tremendously?

“Leia, I respect you more than anyone else in the galaxy, but I’m actually a little shocked and genuinely well. . pissed. . that after everything you can stand to be in the same room as him. I don’t care if he’s your brother. If anyone and I do mean _anyone_ did to my son what Luke did to yours. . they wouldn’t be breathing right now and the fact that he still is completely baffles me.”

As soon as you say it, you regret it because the look Leia gives you is one full of disappointment and that hurts more than if she was angry with you. Ben gives you another squeeze and you're tempted to push his hand away. Quite frankly, you just want to be alone now. It’s obvious no one feels the same way in regards to Luke and you don't understand why.

“I want to be alone. If I can’t leave the room I’d like for the rest of you to leave,” you say as politely as possible. Leia sighs, stands, and leaves the room. Luke doesn’t move though, he just hovers by the door. Poe understands and doesn’t look at you like he’s disappointed at least and you don’t miss the glare he sends at Luke in passing. At least he seems to be on your side.

Ben thinks he’s excluded and doesn’t move an inch. “Go Ben,” you say without looking at him. You know he’s going to be hurt and you don’t want to see the look on his face. You’re pissed off and you don’t want to take it out on him. You should be happy he’s calm and collected but you’re not. In a way you feel betrayed, like he’s against you when it comes to Luke.

“W-w-what? No. I’m not going anywhere. You just woke up and you’re still not-”

“Leave Ben. I want to be alone,” you say with more finality so he knows he can’t change your mind. To drive that home you close the bond between the two of you before you can feel his hurt and probably anger too. You want your mind to yourself and when the bond is open that’s not completely possible. 

Without a word Ben extracts himself from your side and heads to the med bay door but pauses in front of Luke, clenching and un-clenching his fists. If they were alone you know for a fact he’d be lunging at his uncle already. As juvenile as it sounds, you'd feel a lot better if he did it.

“Ben,” Han calls out to him sternly. Ben glances back at his father before storming out of the room, nearly taking the door off its hinges in the process. 

Han and Luke are the only two left in the room and the longer Luke lingers the angrier you get. “Leave Luke. She doesn’t want you here and I think she’s made that clear. She’s still healing and you pissing her off isn’t gonna help.”

“I can help her-”

“I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP!” You yell loud enough for half the ship to hear you. Again, you close your eyes and try to calm down. Your fists clench and un-clench at your sides like Ben’s did before he left the room.

“Leave!” Han yells at Luke. His tone takes you by surprise and actually calms you down. Not because it's soothing by any means but because it makes you want to cringe. You’ve never heard Han yell angrily and you’re extremely glad that anger isn’t directed at you. You feel like a little kid being scolded for doing something you’re not supposed to be doing. 

Finally, Luke leaves and thankfully doesn’t bother trying to say anything else to you. You lay back on the bed, sigh, and cover your face with your arm. You feel like shit, not physically, but in every other way. You were so happy to see everyone and now you’d rather be alone. Han pushes off the wall and approaches you. When you don’t yell at him like you did everyone else, he silently sits on the edge of the bed where Leia had been minutes ago.

“I feel like an asshole,” you mumble from underneath your arm.

“Don’t kid. I think everyone understands why you’re upset. Ben probably doesn’t but he’ll get over it.”

“Yeah I just. . I really don’t understand how Leia is capable of even being in the same ship with Luke. Even Ben was relatively calm. Luke said some shitty things about me but he didn’t ruin my life or my families like he did to you guys. I know technically I don’t have a right to be as mad as I am but I am.”

Han is silent for a couple of seconds which makes you think he doesn’t understand your point of view either. He’s doing the jaw thing Ben does when he’s not sure what to say or do which explains where he learned the habit from.

“I don’t think anyone will ever be over what happened. I definitely won’t be. Leia . . she’s not over it and won’t forget what he did. There’s definitely no trust there anymore. He’s her brother but there’s more to it. Weird force mumbo jumbo that I won’t pretend I understand.” He’s trying to make you feel better but it’s actually making you feel worse.

“Think of it this way kid. After everything Ben did, she still wanted him home and has forgiven him. What Luke did was bad but what Ben did while with Snoke is worse, even if it wasn’t his fault. He still had a choice and he made it, just like Luke did.”

“Luke wasn’t groomed and manipulated since he was little. You guys don’t understand how deep Snoke had his claws in him. Luke doesn’t have that excuse.”

“You’re right and I’m on your side and I know Ben is too. He’s just trying to handle it differently for Leia’s sake. You should have seen him when we first got here.”

“What happened?”

“Well let’s just say if Leia wasn’t around and he wasn’t holding you, Luke wouldn’t be around anymore. We had a. . ‘Family discussion’ about everything. Cleared the air. Reopened old wounds. It seems to have mellowed him out a bit.” Han’s words make you reconsider shutting Ben out. Closing off the bond may have been a bit extreme and kind of a dick move, especially after everything that’s happened.

“I’ll leave you alone now so you can rest. I guarantee my son is going to wear you out the moment you leave this room,” he smirks when he sees your cheeks redden. “Clothes are in that bag next to you,” he gestures towards a canvas bag leaning against the chair Poe had been sitting in. 

“Thanks Han. . for everything.”

He hovers for a second, not sure whether or not he should hug you or just leave. He settles for a quick squeeze of your shoulder before leaving the room. 

At some point you fall asleep again and when you wake up the books Maz and Luke had given you are stacked on the table next to your bed which means Poe had stopped by again. Your back is a little less stiff which could also be thanks to Poe or Ben, if he was brave enough. You’re no longer angry but you’re a little embarrassed over how you handled things with Luke and what you said to Leia so you decide to spend a little more time alone. 

To prevent yourself from losing your mind, you alternate between reading the books Poe left and using your data pad. Several nurses and doctors pop in from time to time to check on you and to let you know the rate at which you heal is miraculous. Clearly no one has mentioned the number of Force users on the ship and what they’re capable of. 

When your guilt finally gets the best of you, you reopen the bond and wait. Ben says nothing but is aware you’re there, that you let him back in. It’s a wordless invitation to come back to you, if he wants to.

When you wake up next it’s because of the warm hand resting on your hip, rubbing small circles with his thumb. Ben's laying next to you and of course, staring at you affectionately. 

“Morning sweetheart.”

“Sorry I shut you out,” you mumble and look away from him. Saying sorry is not something you’re used to and not something you enjoy doing, even if you know you’re wrong.

Instead of responding he leans in and kisses your forehead. “It’s okay.”

You huff, not expecting him to be so cool about it. It makes you feel like an even bigger asshole.

“Since when am I the one with the anger issues and you’re the calm one? What happened to the grumpy quick to anger asshole I know?”

“You’d be surprised what having freedom and almost losing your soulmate does to someone,” he says quietly under his breath. 

Leaning in, you press your lips gently against his and run your hand through his hair. He hums and deepens the kiss, pulling you closer. When your hand starts to snake up his shirt, to your surprise, _he_ stops _you_ and laughs at the confused look on your face. 

He gives you another kiss on the forehead before sitting up and pulling you with him. “Don’t look at me like that. Trust me, I’d like nothing more to get you naked and lay in bed all day,” he says with quickly reddening cheeks.

“But. . “

“We’re almost to the base. We would have gotten there sooner but my mom wanted to make sure we weren’t being followed. We should be landing within the next hour. I figured you’d want time to get dressed. You’re free to leave the room,” he smiles and runs his hand through your hair, pausing to run the small braid through his fingers.

The moment he says you’re free to leave the room, you bolt from the bed so fast his hand is frozen in the air where your hair had been half a second ago. You grab the canvas bag with the clean clothes in it and practically dive into the fresher to start the shower. 

The fresher has one large shower big enough for more than one person, should the med staff need to help a patient bathe. It’s basically one large stall with a built in bench along one of the shower walls. Should you need to talk to someone the shower door is short enough that you can peek over it to address whoever decides to interrupt the patient's alone time. 

After starting the water and setting it as warm as you can without physically burning your skin, you remove the clothes from the canvas bag and set them out on the counter. You’re not sure who picked them out but you are thankful. There’s a pair of pants like the ones you had before, complete with the zippered thigh pockets that came in handy ever since leaving Batuu. The shirt looks like it might be form fitting and dips down just a bit but has a couple of buttons at the top should you prefer a more modest look. Underneath the pants and shirt is a black canvas jacket, new boots, panties, and a bra. You are so happy you could cry.

At the bottom of the bag is a couple hygiene products like shampoo, body wash, and deodorant. Again, you wanted to cry, you're so happy. Setting the empty bag down, you grab the soaps and quickly enter the shower. After setting them down you happily lean back under the water and close your eyes. It’s hard not to sigh as the relaxing hot water cascades from the top of your head down to your toes. You laugh to yourself when you imagine Ben in the shower, the door would probably only cover him from mid chest down. When that thought crosses your mind so does another, this one more inappropriate.

_“Ben”_

_“Hmm”_

_“When was the last time you took a shower?”_

_“. . .”_

The second Ben hears those words he’s bursting through the fresher door and stripping. Wiping the water out of your eyes, you glance over the shower door and watch as he balances on one foot, struggling to get his boot off the other. The minute it’s off he throws it across the room and starts unbuckling his holster without bothering to take out his blaster or remove his lightsaber. He pulls his shirt off over his head, and starts unbuttoning his pants, cursing to himself when they get stuck around one of his ankles. 

You start to laugh harder than you’ve laughed in a very long time, covering your mouth because of the echo.

“Hush,” he says with a smirk once he’s finally free of the last article of clothing and opening the shower door. 

It's almost uncomfortably silent once he enters the shower with you. The only sound in the room is the sounds of the water flowing out of the shower head. You watch his Adams apple bobs as he swallows nervously. You’re both nervous and a bit self conscious and you have no idea why. Maybe it’s because the two of you are naked in front of one another physically and not through the bond. 

To ease the tension between the two of you, you switch places with him by grabbing his biceps and pushing him under the water. While his eyes are closed, you take a minute to admire his large frame without him noticing. The water cascades down his body, highlighting the contours of his muscles and the width of his chest. He really is a big guy and you’re reminded of that as your eyes continue to trail downward.

His cock is fully erect and jutting straight out as if it’s seeking you out. Before Ben opens his eyes, you turn around and grab the shampoo to start washing your hair, careful not to mess up the braid you're growing fond of. 

When Ben opens his eyes they’re practically smoldering with want, no not want, need. You know exactly what’s on his mind and you’re thinking about the same thing but you really did want to shower before the ship lands. With your hair full of soap you pour more into your hand and reach up to Ben’s hair. He leans over a bit to make it easier for you to reach as you massage the shampoo through his thick black locks.

You’re getting increasingly wet, and not from the shower water, due to the noises Ben makes each time your fingers dig into his scalp. He places both of his large hands on your hips and pulls you closer to him while you concentrate on the task at hand. Once you're sure his hair is thoroughly lathered, you nudge him back under the water so he can rinse off.

Ben switches places with you and runs his fingers through your hair to help rinse the soap out. You now understand why he was making the noises he was as he gently massages your scalp like you did for him. He’s standing close enough to you that you can feel his cock pressed against your front. You’re trying to think of anything but that because if you let your mind go there the two of you will never leave the shower.

When his hands leave your hair, you’re about to step out from under the water but stop when Ben presses his lips against yours, one hand on the side of your face and neck, the other against your lower back. Eagerly kissing him back, you bring your hands up around his neck and deepen the kiss. Ben practically growls when your breasts press up against his bare chest and one of your hands combs through his hair.

The kisses quickly heat up, Ben’s mouth only leaving yours to trail kisses from the side of your mouth down to the crook of your neck. The last thing you want to do is stop him but you need to before your brain stops functioning due to the feel of his lips against your skin and his body pressed up against yours.

“Ben,” you whisper breathlessly.

“Hmm?”

“We should stop,” you barely manage to get out as one hand goes to your breast, the other slowly trailing down to the curve of your ass. He’s a lot braver than the last time he explored your body which makes you smile. His hands aren’t trembling and he seems more confident however, you can still feel him radiating anxiety but the lust coursing through him rivals it.

He stops kissing you but leaves his lips against your neck and mumbles against it. “Do you really want me to?”

You snort and grab his hand, placing it between your legs, near your entrance. You’re soaking wet and it isn’t because of the water you had been standing under. The warmth and heat radiating off of you tells him as much. He groans and nibbles on your neck as his hand starts to explore.

“Ben, I’m serious,” you chuckle. “We’re going to land soon, we really should shower, and honestly. . if you keep doing that I’m not going to want you to stop and part of me doesn’t really want our first time actually being together to be while we’re standing in the med bay shower.”

His hand reluctantly pauses it’s exploration and slides from your thighs, back up to your hips. He groans dramatically and lifts his head away from your neck with a pout. The overall change in his personality startles you, not just in the shower but as a whole. Yes, he’s still moody and scarred in more ways than one but he’s lighter, and more animated. The Ben Solo he would have been had Snoke not gotten to him emerges more and more as time passes. The “Solo” in him shines a bit brighter the more the reality of his freedom sinks in.

“You’re right and I hate it,” he mumbles as he bends down and picks up the body wash. After pouring an unnecessarily large amount into his palm, he rubs his hands together and starts lathering you up, starting at your shoulders. You raise an eyebrow at him questionably.

“You really think this is a good idea, running your hands all over my body when we can’t touch each other the way we want to?”

“No, probably not. But if I don’t touch you I might actually die so hush and let me have this,’ he frowns down at you while trying his best to focus on actually cleaning you and not on how soft your skin is. 

His hands slowly make their way from your shoulders to your arms, you can tell he wants to touch your breasts but is hesitant because he won’t want to stop so he avoids the area with the intention of returning to them towards the end of his current torture session. His hands still linger in the area though and his thumbs slowly and gently rub back and forth right below them. The size of his hands always slip your mind until they’re on your body and practically fit around you completely. 

Your eyes are closed and your head is tipped back slightly at the feel of his hands but when he’s lingering a bit too long on the area you open them and glance at him. He’s practically in a trance as he stares at your breasts.

“Ben.”

“Hmm?”

“Pretty sure that area is clean now,” you chuckle.

“Right,” he clears his throat and trails further down your body as his cheeks begin to redden.

He crouches down when he gets to your pelvis and stares at the area he so badly wants to explore. The intensity of his stare starts to make you uncomfortable. When he senses it he glances up at you before avoiding the area and skipping down to your feet. He lifts each one and cleans it, pausing a second to massage the soles of your feet which elicits a small moan from you. After washing your ankles and calves he pauses at your thighs. He can no longer avoid the most enticing part of your body and closes his eyes, willing himself to have enough self control to touch you there without taking it further than you have time for.

He swallows thickly before he starts massaging your inner thighs. The moment his hands touch your thighs you regret letting him touch you. Especially once he starts to place small gentle kisses there while making his way closer and closer to where you want him.

The small moan that leaves your lips nearly dissolves the little self control he has and he lifts his face directly in front of the apex of your legs. You close your eyes and place both of your hands in his hair when you feel his breath fan across your slit. 

Ben is practically panting against you, both hands squeezing your thighs as he lowers his knees to the ground, out of the crouch position, and kneels in front of you. Your mind quickly trails to the last time you saw him kneeling which was on the Supremacy, in front of Snoke. When he catches your line of thought he leans against your thigh, nuzzles into it and presses his lips against the sensitive skin.

“I promise sweetheart, the only person I’ll ever kneel to is you,” he purrs against your thigh in between kisses. When he sees you smile, he smiles back then glances down to your quickly hardening nub before glancing back up at you. “Can I-” You know what he’s about to ask but you want to hear him say it. His hands start to tremble a bit as they hold on to your thighs. You glance down between his legs and see his cock is already red and weeping with want.

“Can. . Can I-” he huffs in frustration with himself. Deciding to end his suffering you smile and nod slightly. He starts to lean in but pauses.

“What’s wrong?”

“I. . I don’t really know what I’m doing. I just know I want to taste you,” he mumbles so quietly you barely hear it. You release his hair and tip his chin back so his eyes meet yours. “All of this is new to me too. I’m sure you can figure it out,” you rub your thumb along his bottom lip until he nods. Your hand goes back to his hair when you release his chin.

He lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, leans in, and presses the softest kiss imaginable to the area he’s thought about ever since the last time the two of you explored each other's bodies. You gasp and unintentionally press his face harder to your clit with the hand you have holding his hair. He gasps when he feels the jolt of pleasure you felt travel straight to his cock. While on his knees, he shuffles the both of you towards the part of the shower the water can’t reach, presses you against the wall, and lifts one of your legs over his shoulder. 

If the two of you could feel each other’s pleasure when you’re intimate you’re definitely going to have issues leaving the shower and eventually the bed whenever you finally have time to yourselves. 

Closing his eyes, he parts your lips with his tongue and licks from your entrance to your clit. The moan that comes out of you would be embarrassing if a similar one didn’t come from Ben as well. Your hand covers your mouth knowing the two of you will be heard through the med bay thanks to the showers echo. 

That one jolt of pleasure is all it takes for the anxiety to leave him. He dives in like he’s a starving man and you’re a three course meal. By the time he’s done he’s definitely going to be missing chunks of hair due to how strong you’re gripping it. You almost feel bad until he groans and starts to focus his attention on your clit after one exceptionally hard tug. 

The pleasure is building quickly as warmth begins to pool low in your abdomen. Ben not only hears your thoughts but feels the warmth as well. His right hand leaves your thigh and travels to your entrance. Slowly, he inserts two of his large fingers and holds them there, allowing you time to adjust to the stretch after hearing you gasp.

“I’m okay, you can move,” you say breathlessly.

Ben begins to move his fingers, using your wetness to slide in and out of you easily. When he curves his fingers and hits a particularly sensitive spot, your hips jerk into his face and your hand grips his hair tightly. You can feel him smile against your swollen lips before he flicks his tongue against your clit faster than before while simultaneously pressing against that spot repeatedly.

The spring coiling tightly in your abdomen releases as wave after wave of pleasure courses through your body. You tilt back and lean your head against the shower wall and bite your lip to keep yourself from crying out. The leg you had planted to the shower floor buckles and gives out and Ben catches you before you can fall but just barely, only semi-conscious as your pleasure ripples through him as well. 

His hands are underneath your thighs, holding you up until you wrap your legs around his waist tightly. When you wrap your arms around his shoulders, he presses his forehead against yours as the two of you struggle to catch your breath. His cock is pressed firmly against you and for a moment you consider leaning up and slowly sinking yourself on to it. Ben kisses you deeply before pulling away and shaking his head slightly. 

“As much as I want that, you're right. I’d like to have you warm in our bed instead of sitting on the floor of a shower stall,” he mutters against your lips and lovingly pushes the wet hair that's clinging to your face behind your ear. Unexpectedly he shakily stands with you in his arms, hands planted firmly underneath your thighs before releasing them once he’s standing up straight, expecting you to detach yourself from him.

“We should get out. We’ll be landing any minute I guarantee it,” he sighs and runs a hand through his own hair.

“Uhhh and what about that,” you glance down to his very hard erection conveniently resting between your folds.

“I’ll. . I’ll be fine.”

“You’re a horrible liar Solo,” you breathe against his lips as you start to grind against him, sliding his cock back and forth against your clit. 

“Kriff,” he gasps and presses your back against the shower wall. He plants on hand firmly against the wall and rests his head on your shoulder and looks down to watch you rub against him. 

“Sweetheart this is going to be over very quickly,” he rasps.

“Good because we’re short on time aren’t we,” you barely manage to get out as the tip of his cock grazes your clit just right.

Without any sort of warning, the fresher door opens and you both freeze. If whoever opened the door decides to walk closer to the shower they will definitely see Ben with you. He’s too big to hide behind the door unless he were to literally bend himself in half. 

Leia’s voice rings throughout the room when she calls out your name. The two of you look at each other with horrified expressions. The color completely drains from Ben’s face and for a moment you’re afraid he might actually pass out.

“Uh yeah,” you clear your throat when your voice cracks. Ben buries his head in the crook of your neck and prays to anyone that may be listening, the Jedis of the past and any current ones he may not know of, that his mother doesn’t get closer to the shower and see him practically screwing you. 

“I’m sorry to barge in but I wanted to talk to you privately before we land and you have no choice but to listen to me while you’re in here,” she says amused. You try your best to sound equally as amused but it’s hard when Ben’s cock is resting in an oh so pleasant area. 

“I just wanted to say that I understand why you're upset with me and I understand if you still are. I spoke with Han and he told me about the talk the two of you had.” 

You sigh, close your eyes, and lean your head back against the shower wall. You didn’t want to have this conversation period and you definitely don’t want to have it now. 

“Hearing what happened to Ben,” she pauses and Ben tenses at the mention of his name. “Well it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to hear and quite frankly, I did feel hatred for Luke. My own brother thought about killing his nephew. He’s at fault for the current state of the galaxy and for tearing my family apart. Even so, he’s my brother and he always will be. I don’t necessarily forgive him but despite everything I’ll always love him. Just like I love Ben no matter what he’s done in the past. He’s still my son. He’s still family.” 

You unintentionally fidget, eliciting a small moan from Ben before your hand quickly covers his mouth. His eyes widen and the two of you tense to see if Leia noticed which of course she did.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes!” you squeak when you hear her take a step further into the fresher. “I uh. . I cut myself shaving. No big deal.” 

When Ben rolls his eyes at you, you start moving up and down again. His hand squeezes you not only as a warning but because of the pleasure you’re eliciting. His head quickly goes back to the crook of your neck but this time he bites down to keep from making anymore embarrassing noises while his mother is in the same room.

“I understand Leia. Sorry I was rude before. Thank you for everything.” You say shortly, hoping the conversation will end while doing your best to torture Ben but also sound as natural as possible. If Leia knew what the two of you were doing you would die of embarrassment and Ben would probably yeet himself out of the ship before it lands.

"I’m glad that’s out of the way. I’ll let you. . finish,” she says nonchalantly. The wording makes you pause but only for a moment because Ben is now the one sliding himself in and out of your wet folds.

“Oh and if you see Ben,” she pauses. Ben freezes as a spike of embarrassment, mortification, and anxiety washes over him. At this point you’re finding the whole thing hilarious. Leia knows whats happening considering Ben’s clothes and boots are thrown around the fresher. She’s purposely trying to embarrass the both of you and she’s doing a great job at it.

“Please make sure he is presentable and. . clean. . before we land,” she says with obvious suppressed amusement. You are biting your lip so hard it hurts as you try to hold back the laughter when you see the mortified look on Ben’s face.

“Oh he’ll be clean and presentable I promise,” you chuckle despite yourself. You swear you hear her laugh as she closes the fresher door.

“Oh my god. Oh my-” Ben starts to say. His cheeks are so red they look painful. Before he can finish his mortified rambling you start sliding your folds around his cock quicker than before. He whimpers and presses his forehead against yours. 

“I’m going to-”

You tug his head back by his hair and expose his neck to you before gently nibbling on it.

“Come for me,” you say against his neck. On command thick ropes of cum shoot out from the tip of his pulsing cock and paint your stomach. 

Both of you cry out and his orgasm nearly brings him to his knees. The pleasure is so intense you bite down on his neck a little harder than intended which of course, heightens his pleasure but will definitely be leaving a mark. 

When the waves of pleasure subside he presses his forehead against yours again and pants to catch his breath. Once his breathing is fairly back to normal, unexpectedly, he spins you around and pushes you underneath the now cold water. You shriek and press yourself closer to him in an attempt to escape the ice spraying across your back.

“What the hell asshole?” You yell and slap his shoulder. He holds you up with one arm while grabbing the soap and squeezing a large amount between your two bodies to clean off your stomach.

“That is what you get for almost making me cum with my mother in the room.”

“She definitely knows you were in here naked with me.”

“No. Don’t say that. She doesn’t. Shhhh,” Ben says while shaking his head back and forth as if he can shake the possibility out of his head.

“She does. She knows your cock was out and-”

He pushes you back under the cold water eliciting another shriek from you as you practically climb up his upper body as if he were a tree. The ship starts to shake signaling it’s descent towards the Resistance base.

“I think it’s safe to say we’re both thoroughly clean,” Ben says before kissing your forehead and walking out of the shower with you still wrapped around his waist. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact:
> 
> Braids were a big deal in Alderaan. The planets monarch always had them and unbraiding ones hair was a sign of affection.
> 
> “Alderaan had any number of traditions about braids, about who wore them, and when, and why. The customs varied from continent to continent, age to age. But always, one of the most profoundly intimate acts was to allow someone else to take the braids down.” (from Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray)
> 
> Come talk to me on the bird app: sam_ieatboyss


	18. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance base feels a bit like home. 
> 
> Ben is acting weird.
> 
> Poe is the worst.
> 
> Together their stupidity is astronomical.
> 
> Oh and smuttttt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter ya'll.
> 
> After this is the Epilogue and that's it.

* * *

_  
Try as he might he's unable to speak  
_ _He grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek  
_ _The bed is unmade like everything is  
_ _Dark little heaven at the top of the stairs  
_ _Take me like that, ruin it all  
_ _Then build it again by the light in the hall  
_ _He drops to his knees says please my love, please  
_ _I'll kill who you hate, take off that dress, you won't freeze_

_One More Night - Stars  
  
_

* * *

  
  


By the time the two of you are dressed and presentable, the ship's occupants have grabbed their belongings and are leaving the ship. BB-8 and BB-9 are waiting for you outside of the ship having been given orders by Poe and Leia to escort you should the two of you be ‘occupied,’ when the ship landed. 

Unfortunately, you reach the ship's ramp at the same time as they do. Leia turns and faces both of you with a wicked look on her face.

“Well don’t you two look nice. Thank you for making sure my son is _clean_ and presentable,” she smiles at you then at Ben.

The blush starts at his neck and creeps up all the way to his ears when Han and Poe give him a knowing look. 

_“I told you your mother knew your cock-”_

_“Please, I’m begggging you. Stop talking about my mother and my cock in the same sentence.”_

Ben side eyes you as the blush intensifies. You give him a very satisfied smile before glancing at Han and Leia. Han pats Ben on the back roughly after both of you reach them.

“Glad to see your taking care of her,” he smirks.

“Dameron, how many credits would it take for you to shoot me in the abdomen again?,” Ben asks as he runs his hand through his hair.

“Best friends don’t shoot each other,” Poe says to Ben as if it’s an obvious answer.

“For the last time we are not-”

“Come on Finn, I’ll show you around,” Poe grabs Finn by the arm and starts to walk through the large crowd gathered outside of the ship. 

The various pilots that had joined the fight against the Supremacy are landing their small ships all around you. The Resistance members that had stayed on the base happily congregate around the large outdoor hangar, greeting each other and celebrating a successful win against the First Order.

As Leia begins to walk towards the buildings where the command center is held, the crowd starts to part to make room for the General. Han catches up to her and throws his arm over her shoulder affectionately. As if seeing his father's obvious affection for his mother gives him courage, Ben intertwines his fingers with yours. You look down at your conjoined hands then back up at him. He doesn’t make eye contact with you but gives your hand a squeeze.

Too focused on the new public display of affection, it takes a minute for you to notice how quiet the crowd has become. When you do, you look around to see what the reason for the sudden change in atmosphere is but see nothing, nothing except a lot of eyes on you and Ben.

“Why is everyone looking at us like that?” you whisper to Ben.

“Everyone thought Ben was dead. Not only that but the two of you defeated Snoke, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. People are going to act a little weird around you for a bit,” Leia answers after overhearing you.

“Great,” you sigh as you tried to ignore the strange looks you and Ben are getting while squeezing Ben’s hand just a little tighter.

When you reach the new command center, a group of older looking men and women are bickering back and forth while hovering over a large table with a holo projecting from the center.

“General Organa, about time you showed up,” you and Ben both frowned at the disrespectful tone the man spoke with.

“Apologies, I was rather busy ensuring the person responsible for the death of Supreme Leader Snoke made it back here safely with my son.”

The room gets uncomfortably quiet and all eyes go to you again.

_“We’ve been here 5 minutes and I already want to run and hide in the Falcon.”_

_“Me too sweetheart.”_

“It’s true? You defeated the Supreme Leader?” an older woman asks with a look of disbelief on her face.

“I didn’t do it alone. Ben and I both defeated him,” you say awkwardly. 

Since you no longer have your kyber crystal around your neck to roll between your fingers nervously, you settle for the small braid lying over your shoulder within the rest of your hair.

The room grows even quieter, if possible, and several of the older officers bow to you slightly. Confused, you look to Leia for an answer but she merely smiles and looks away. When you glance up at Ben, his cheeks are red and he too looks away from you. They know something you don’t and you intend to find out what it is. 

“Ben and our new friend Finn here have some information on the First Order that may be helpful,” Leia says to break the silence. 

Poe comes up behind the two of you and leans in to speak quietly enough that no one else can hear him. “You guys might want to make yourselves comfortable. We’re going to be here a while.”

Looking around the room, you notice Han leaning against the wall at the far end, practically in the shadows. You tug on Ben’s hand hard enough that he leans down close enough to you that you can reach up and kiss him on the cheek. 

“Have fun,” you say before you release his hand and walk away.

“Wait! Where are you going,” Ben whispers loudly.

Ignoring him, you walk over to Han and lean against the wall next to him. Ben looks lost and it’s hilarious. He quickly puts on the cocky arrogant persona you’re realizing is his actual personality minus all the trauma. Deep down he is still the lonely lost boy only that side of him is reserved for you and you alone.

“What information do you have young Solo?”

“Where did you obtain this information?”

“How did you defeat Snoke?”

“You were presumed dead.” 

“How did you get on his ship undetected?”

“Where have you been all this time?”

Ben opens his mouth to speak but each time he’s cut off by another member of the council asking a different question. He’s doing his best to be polite and patient for Leia’s sake but you can see it’s grating on his nerves.

“How much longer you think?” Han asks you quietly over his shoulder.

“Huh?”

“Before Ben freaks out on the old bastards. How long?” 

“We aren’t going to find out,” you say with enough irritation that Han turns to look at you instead of just glancing at you over your shoulder.

“Yes, I’d also-”

“HEY!” you yell with enough authority to take the entire room by surprise, including Ben and Poe.

As usual, Leia looks completely unbothered and a little...proud?

“Shit she’s using her angry voice,” you vaguely hear Poe say to Ben. 

“All of you need to shut the hell up and listen to what they have to say. No questions unless they say so. You wanna know what they know? You wanna know what happened? Shut up and listen then. They’re not going to tell you anything they’re not comfortable with. Where Ben was this whole time is none of your damn business. He’s here and he can help and that’s the end of it. Where they got their information is, again, none of your business. If you have an issue with it we can leave and you can figure this shit out on your own. Got it?”

To emphasize how serious you are you cross your arms over your chest and scowl just a little, doing your best to look intimidating. Han coughs to hide a laugh, Leia is smiling, Ben looks like he wants to undress you and have his way with you, and Poe looks proud. It’s a variety of reactions.

“You’re absolutely right princess,” the man you heard referred to as Admiral Ackbar says to you before turning to address Ben. “We apologize for being rude, please continue. Any information the two of you have will help.”

“Wait,” you start to say but Ben’s eyes go wide. “Did he just call me princess too? Did Poe make some sort of announcement before we got here? I’ll kill him.”

Ben is nervous all of a sudden and when you look at him he’s avoiding your eyes. Poe is glancing at him with a smug look on his face. You’re getting more and more irritated with both of them. They know something you don’t. 

When your annoyance cranks up a notch, Ben finally meets your eyes. 

“I’ll see you later,” you whisper to Han as you give his shoulder a squeeze before walking over to Leia who is reluctantly listening to the other Resistance members rant and rave about the recent events. 

“Sorry to interrupt but am I needed here? If not I’m gonna go get some air before I start punching people,” you whisper into her ear. 

“You can go. We’ll contact you if something comes up. Thank you again.”

When you start to walk towards the door, you glance over your shoulder and smirk at Ben, knowing he isn’t going to like being left alone with a bunch of crotchety old men and Poe.

“Wait up kid,” Han says as he walked towards you. “If you don’t have to stay I’m not staying.”

_“Where are you going? You’re not leaving are you?”_

_“Oh I’m definitely leaving. I’m not needed. They have you. Leia said you guys would reach out if I’m needed so I’m going to leave before I start punching the elderly.”_

_“Don’t leave me with these people please. I don’t know what I’ll do if they piss me off and you’re not here.”_

_“Your mom is with you. You’ll be fine. You should probably pay attention to what they’re saying. See ya byeeee!”_

You are about to leave the room when you hear a small sad beep from behind you. When you look down, BB-9 is rolling back and forth almost nervously while looking up at you.

“Well let’s go. You don’t have to ask permission to follow me around ya know? Unless I say otherwise you can come with me.”

The loud happy beeping the droid makes momentarily halts the conversation between the Resistance members. They all look your way to see what the commotion is about.

“We need to work on your inside voice,” you mumble down to the droid as you and Han walk out of the conference room and out of the building.

* * *

Ajan Kloss is another jungle planet similar to D’Qar except it isn’t a planet, it’s actually a moon with two moons of its own. The biggest difference is the humidity which you aren’t sure if you like or not. Regardless, it’s beautiful and green and full of life. 

After parting ways with Han, you and BB-9 decide to take a stroll through the lush jungle, not straying too far from the base though. The events of Takodana and your encounter with the planet's wildlife is not far from your mind. If you’re poisoned or paralyzed by some random creature and you're by yourself Ben won't be able to get to you before something else does.

Not too far from the base, you and BB-9 stumble upon a clearing, similar to the one you and Poe trained in while on Ahch-To. You take a look around to see if there are any signs that this spot was a popular hang out for other Resistance members. From what you can see, the clearing seems to be untouched by the planet’s new inhabitants which means you and Ben now have a place to train without curious spectators. 

Since you have nothing better to do, at least until Poe and Ben are done, you sit in the middle of the clearing with your legs crossed in front of you and let BB-9 talk your ears off. You’re only alone for a few minutes before you feel an unwelcome presence approach the clearing.

“Go away,” you say without bothering to turn around.

“You can’t avoid me forever. Whether you like it or not, we’re basically family now,” Luke says with a bit of snark in his tone. The man had a knack for making you want to punch him within seconds of speaking to him.

Sighing heavily, you turn to face him. “What do you want Luke?”

“To talk,” he says as he walks towards you then sits down cross legged directly across from you. 

BB-9 rolls from your side to Luke's as if he’s studying him.

“This one is quite animated.”

“Yeah but he’s kind of growing on me. BB can you go check on Ben for me?” The droid doesn’t need to know you can talk to Ben through your bond. He talks so much you don’t doubt whatever Luke has to say will be repeated to anyone that will listen. The droid beeps before rolling away happily, glad he can help.

The two of you sit in silence for a while before Luke finally speaks again. 

“Are you and Ben planning on going after the First Order?”

“Right now the only plans I have are to sleep and eat. I’m sure that’s what Leia and the rest of the Resistance has planned for us though so probably.”

“Hmm.”

“Luke, what the hell do you want? Really? You can’t use healing me as an excuse and you can’t use Leia as one either. When she needed you, you turned your back on her. When I needed you and Ben needed you, you turned your back on us. So what is it you want from me?”

Luke narrows his eyes at you and stares at you intensely while contemplating what he should say.

“You were right about Ben...for the most part. There’s still a lot of darkness in him and there’s darkness in you too. The two of you both seem to walk on the edge of the light and the dark. One decision, one upset, and you can easily succumb to the darkness.”

“I’m aware. I’ve felt it and we both know Ben has struggled with it for a while now, but I’m not worried about it. I keep him grounded and so does Leia, and Han.”

“Yes, I’ve witnessed that myself. But what do you think will happen if something were to happen to you? Ben would of course be upset if something happened to Leia and/or Han, but he would be okay after some time. How do you think he’d respond to losing you? You think he’d willingly stay in the light?”

“Yes I do. Back on the Supremacy, he almost succumbed to it when he thought I was dying. But he made me a promise. He promised me he wouldn’t go back to the dark side. He promised me he would stay on the path that leads him to his family. When he remembered that promise, he fought it. I know he’ll be tempted in the future and he might even consider it for a fleeting moment but I know Ben. I know him better than everyone and whether you want to believe me or not, I know without a doubt he won’t go back to the dark. Not now that he knows how much he turned his back on.”

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing. I’m fine.”_

_“You’re lying. You’re extremely irritated. The only other time I’ve felt you this annoyed was when Luke...Is he bothering you?”_

_“Ben, when doesn’t he bother me? I’m talking to him right now and no, do not come over here. I’m fine just let me handle this.”_

_“Fine.”_

“How long have you two been able to do that?” Luke asks curiously.

“Since Ahch-To but I was able to see him before that. I really don’t want to talk about the Dyad or the bond Ben and I have. I get it, it’s rare and interesting. Maybe when I don’t feel like choking you we can talk about it.”

The frustrating man chuckles at the comment that was not intended to be taken as a joke.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be sticking around so I wanted to say I apologize for how things went between us. I’ve apologized to Ben but I don’t think that wound will be healing anytime remotely soon, which I understand. If you’re up for it, while I’m here, I’d like to teach you more about the Force. I can help you and Ben rebuild your lightsabers too if you’d like. I know you have the texts but sometimes having someone with experience is more helpful.”

You’re stunned into silence. Not only did Luke Skywalker apologize, but he also offered to train you. Ben wouldn’t agree to it, in fact he’ll probably be mad at Luke for offering and you for considering. But the offer is tempting. You could learn from Ben of course but he doesn’t know as much as Luke does, he never finished his training and who knows what he learned from Snoke. 

The corner of Luke’s lip lifts as he tries not to smile, watching you as you try to decide whether or not you should take him up on his offer. Missing the kyber crystal around your neck, you twirled the small braid around your finger while staring out into the trees, deep in thought. 

“I don’t need an answer now kid. You guys have had a busy couple of weeks and I doubt things will slow down anytime soon. I can’t make up for my decisions or my actions but I’m going to do my best, as long as Leia will have me. Hell, as long as Han and Ben will have me. I’m going to have to sleep with one eye open around those two.”

“Did you...did you just curse? Did _THE_ Luke Skywalker just curse? No one is going to believe me,” you dramatically cover your mouth in shock.

Luke rolls his eyes and looks away. “I was going to offer to teach you how to mediate, the proper way, but if you’re too busy making comments I-”

“Shut up and teach me.”

  
  


* * *

You’re with Luke in the clearing going over various Jedi meditation techniques for what feels like hours before Ben and BB-9 enter the clearing. Ben's eyes immediately narrow at his uncle suspiciously as he approaches you and sits down next to you with his arms crossed. BB-9 rolls up next to you on the opposite side. The two of them box you in as if they’re your bodyguards.

“Ben,” Luke nods cordially at his nephew who remains stoic.

“What are you doing here? I thought she made it clear we-”

“He’s teaching me Jedi stuff,” you interrupt. Ben looks at you as if you just told him Snoke was still alive.

“What?”

“You heard me. We’ve come to a sort of...truce...kinda. I don’t have the strong urge to kill him anymore...at least not at the moment. I’ll explain later.”

Leaning closer to Ben you reach up and kiss him on the cheek. His eyes meet his uncles as his cheeks redden and he glances away quickly. 

“I think we should head back kids. The sun is going down and I’m pretty sure Leia will be expecting us in the mess hall soon.”

You didn’t even realize how much time you had spent in the clearing, nor did you realize the sun was already setting. Ben got to his feet and held out his hand to help you up. Luke turns to leave but before you can follow, Ben grabs your hand and pulls you into his chest. When you glance up at him questionably, he cradles your face in his hands and kisses you softly before pulling back.

“First, you leave me alone with a bunch of old assholes and Dameron, then you spend time with my uncle who I assumed we mutually disliked, and then you agree to train with him. Did I miss anything?”

“Hmm no, that about sums it up,” you smile and stand on your tiptoes to kiss him again.

“I thought you didn’t want to be a Jedi. I thought you wanted me to train you,” he says somewhat dejectedly.

“I don’t want to be a Jedi and I still want you to train me. You know more about certain things than he does, considering who trained you. We both aren’t really on the light side or the dark side. We’re more in a grey area. Learning about each side of the Force would only benefit us. There’s stuff even you could learn. I understand if you don’t want to but I’d like to see what Luke can offer me as far as training goes. So you think about it and when the time comes you can make your decision. I’ll support you either way.” 

He leans down and kisses you once more before intertwining your fingers with his and leading you to the mess hall.

* * *

Silence falls as the two of you walk into the crowded mess hall. Your eyes scan the room until you see Poe standing and waving at you to get your attention. In the far corner of the room there are two seats at an almost full table. Luke, Leia, Han, Finn, Chewie, and Poe are all sitting around the large table waiting for the two of you. The sight brings tears to your eyes and you do your best to hide it. Ben notices and gives your hand a reassuring squeeze.

After what you consider the first ‘family’ dinner you’ve ever had, your group sits around the table talking and trading stories until you guys are the only ones left in the mess hall. When you unintentionally yawn, somewhat loudly, you cover your mouth with your hand quickly. Everyone at the table turns to look at you.

“Sorry...I don’t know why I’m tired. I've slept so much lately.”

“It’s late. We should all turn in for the night,” Leia says as she stands. It was then you realize you haven’t really thought about the sleeping arrangements. No one has mentioned where the two of you are going to be staying so you assume you’ll be sleeping on the Falcon which is completely fine with you.

Everyone says goodnight before you and Ben start to walk towards the hangar where the Falcon is instead of the row of small apartments inside one of the buildings on the base.

“Where are you guys going?” Poe asks.

“To the Falcon? Where else would we go?” Ben asks with obvious irritation.

“You didn’t show them to their rooms?” Leia sternly asks while scowling at Poe.

“We’ve been a little busy and as soon as you dismissed us Ben ran off. I didn’t get a chance. C’mon, I’ll show you where you’re staying.”

“Okay,” you say hesitantly.

_“We can stay on the Falcon if you’re uncomfortable here.”_

_“I know Ben. I mean, I’d feel better on the Falcon but she’s not my ship so it’s not like I can just move in whenever I’d like. We should probably get used to staying here.”_

A majority of the Resistance members stayed in the small lodgings the forest planet had to offer. They were more like the huts you had seen on Ahch-To except a little bit more modern. You assumed you and Ben would be staying somewhere similar but Poe steered you in a different direction. 

Inside another building was a corridor with doors lining each side of it. Poe leads you to the door at the end of the hallway and holds it open for you. Inside is a small studio-like apartment. To your left there is a fresher and in the corner of the room are two smaller beds pushed together to make one bigger one. You assume whoever furnished the room was nice enough to take Ben’s size into consideration. There’s a small table, two chairs, and a dresser as well.

“Here you go,” Poe says as he stands aside so the two of you can completely enter your new home. 

The fresher has a shower and a bathtub which you are unbelievably excited for. Poe walks in behind you and Ben and stands by the door as the two of you take in your new quarters. 

“There’s extra clothes in that dresser for the both of you. Leia assumed the two of you would want to share a room so she made sure the accommodations would be...fitting,” Poe smirks as he glances at the bed.

When you walk out of the fresher, Ben’s standing awkwardly next to the bed while staring at you with an intensity that almost takes your breath away. Poe doesn’t seem to get the hint as he continues hovering near the door frame, eyes going from you to Ben and then back again. 

“Bye Dameron,” Ben says dismissively.

“Aww come on. The party is going to start soon! You guys don’t want to-”

Poe is shoved out of the room and into the hallway with the Force by Ben. The door slams shut and locks the moment Poe is clear of it. 

“I said bye Dameron,” Ben yells loud enough to ensure Poe could hear him from the other side of the door.

The moment the door shuts, the two of you quickly close the distance between each other. Your arms wrap around his neck and he crouches down enough to grip you by your thighs and hoist you up. On instinct your legs wrap around his waist tightly and his hands get a firm hold on your ass. 

When you suck his bottom lip into you mouth and bite down slightly, Ben groans, and pushes you against the wall. He begins to thrust his already hard erection in between your legs. Using the wall to help hold you up, one of his hands rakes up your leg and travels to the hem of your shirt. He starts to lift the bottom of it and pulls it upwards so you’d get the hint.

Unwrapping your arms from around him, you quickly remove your shirt and bra in one quick movement and toss them across the room before descending on his perfect mouth once more. Your hands urgently reach down and begin to unbutton and unbuckle his pants. When he starts to move away from the wall, your arms wrap around his neck once again and pull him closer to you with your legs. He stumbles towards the bed and gently lays you down on top of it, never removing his lips from yours.

You pull away from his just enough to say, “Clothes off now,” against his lips.

He chuckles deeply and pulls away to follow your orders, you do the same and the both of you are undressed and vulnerable in front of each other in seconds. Ben, although visibly nervous, sinks back down onto the bed and positions himself between your legs. He hovers over you while putting a majority of his body weight on his forearms that are resting on either side of your head.

While staring into your eyes, one of his hands slides from your neck, to your collarbone, down your side, and stops once it reaches the apex of your thighs. He places small gentle kisses on your neck, trailing them down until he gets to your breasts. He pauses and glances up at you, as if asking permission. You roll your eyes at him and huff. Really, at this point he should know permission isn’t needed, even though the act is extremely cute and gentlemanly. 

When Ben sees you roll your eyes he leans down and gives the top of your breast a small nip. You jump a bit and open your mouth to complain but stop when he places his soft lips around one of your already hardened nipples, and sucks it into his mouth. As much as you’d love for him to take his time with you, you desperately want him inside you. The two of you have touched and explored each other’s bodies, not enough, only a few times in fact. But you’ve never been able to join your bodies and after everything that’s happened, you want that more than anything. The last step to bind each other to one another in every way. 

Ben’s hand wanders to your center and he gently slides his knuckle along your slit and down to your already extremely wet entrance. 

“God sweetheart you’re already so wet for me,” he practically groans against your breast after releasing your nipple from his mouth.

“Ben. . Ben I-”

“I know,” he says as he brings his arm back to rest on the side of your face. He starts to slide his extremely hard cock back and forth along your slit, coating it with your wetness. The head of his cock bumps your clit and elicits a moan from you each time he thrusts against you. 

He’s trembling even though he’s trying extremely hard to hide it. You're also a little nervous, but not that nervous. Being with Ben this way feels right to you, like this is how it’s always supposed to be.

“Hey,” you whisper as you bring one hand up to cup his face. With the other hand you push back the hair hanging in his face. His eyes meet yours and the nervous anticipation is even clearer than before.

“It’s okay. I’m nervous too.”

Ben closes his eyes, leans his forehead against yours, and sighs.

“I know it can hurt and I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to enjoy yourself. I want to make this good for you I-”

“Ben...I’ve heard it can hurt too but there’s no way it hurts worse than a knife in the back,” you quietly chuckle trying to ease his nerves but he winces at the mention of your injury.

“Sorry...too soon. Really though, I’ll be okay. It’s you. I’m with you. There’s no way I won’t enjoy myself.”

“I...I don’t have protection. It causes me physical pain to say this but we should probably stop,” he says with his eyes closed before burying his face in your neck.

“We don’t need it. I got an implant before leaving the med bay.”

He lifts his head from your shoulder and looks into your eyes with that adoring look you’re becoming accustomed to before he leans down and gently presses his lips against yours. He slowly slides his tongue into your mouth while at the same time, slowly sinking inside your wetness. Ben groans deep and loud into your mouth. You’re confident if his mouth wasn’t against yours, any Resistance members in the building would have heard him.

There's a slight pinch, which Ben must have also felt, because he pauses momentarily. When you don’t say anything or suggest you’re in pain he keeps going. He hates to admit it but he doesn’t think he could stop at this point. When he continues to sink into you slowly, agonizingly slow, you arch your back and your hips in an effort to get him to push in a bit faster. 

Ben is practically panting as he sinks himself into you to the hilt, every inch of his length is deep inside of you. You’ve never felt so full in your life and it's the best feeling you’ve ever experienced. Once completely flushed against you, Ben pauses and presses his face into your neck, pressing gentle kisses against it while trying to control his breathing. 

When he doesn’t move, you start to move your hips against him again. Leaning all of his weight on one arm, he brings the other hand to your hip and holds it to the bed, halting your movement.

“What-”

“Sweetheart,” he pauses to catch his breath, “if you keep moving like that this is going to be over a lot sooner than I’d like it to.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

You can feel your cheeks heating up at his admission. He lifts his head from your neck and stares down at you. 

“Don’t apologize. You’re just...you’re just so tight. You feel so good. Better than I could have ever imagined. I’m not going to last long,” he whispers and closes his eyes as he slowly pulls out before slowly thrusting back in.

“Ben...if I don't have your cock inside me within the next 30 seconds I’m going to get out of this bed and-”

He slams into you hard while moving his hand between your legs to circle your clit with his thumb. You cry out and wrap your arms around his back, digging your nails into his skin. He pauses again, afraid that he hurt you.

“Damn why are you stopping?” you ask through gritted teeth. It’s adorable how gentle he’s being with you and how worried he is about you enjoying yourself but you really just want him to take you the way you know he’s been thinking about.

He pulls out all the way to the tip then slams back into you roughly. Both of you moan loudly, definitely loud enough for anyone in the building to hear. If you didn’t feel so good you’d definitely be embarrassed. Your walls are down, so lost in the pleasure you’re feeling, that you’re projecting your thoughts. Ben hears your frustration and your need for him to take you fully and quickens his pace. 

"Is this how you want me? Hard and fast with my cock buried deep inside of your pussy?" he tries to ask with dominance but he's too focused on not making a fool of himself by finishing before you do. Instead of it sounding dominant and commanding it sounds more hesitant and insecure.

You don't need to verbally respond for him to know this is exactly what you want. You’re not sure how it’s possible for him to be so good at something he’s never done but he’s a damn expert. His thumb continues its fast pace against your clit while his hips piston into you repeatedly. He shifts his weight slightly to ease some of the pressure on his forearm and the change in position causes him to hit someplace deep inside you that you didn’t know existed.

You run one hand through his hair and grab a handful. With you other hand you grab his face and bring his lips back down to yours. His even pace begins to falter and becomes frantic and uneven. The both of you are racing towards climax and you know when it happens it’s going to be otherworldly. You pull your lips away from his quickly.

“Ben I-”

“Me too,” he rasps as he closes his eyes and presses his forehead against yours.

For some reason at this moment is when you remember something that happened on the Supremacy. When he held you as you bled out, the last thing you remember hearing is him telling you he loved you. At the time you didn’t have the ability to respond but you do now and now’s a good a time as any.

“Look at me,” you gasp while placing his face in your hands. He pulls back slightly and opens his gorgeous eyes to look down on you. His hips are still going but you know any second he’ll stop.

“I love you.”

His eyes are suddenly shiny with un-shed tears and with one hard thrust the world around you shatters. You’re sure one of you is making noise but the pleasure is so intense you aren’t seeing anything, you’re not hearing anything, you’re just feeling. The small amount of control the two of you had over the bond evaporates and opens completely. “Two that are one” takes on a new meaning and it feels like you and him are literally one being. 

Your pussy clenches so hard around him that Ben’s sure he’s going to black out. The tears he had been holding back after hearing you say you love him can no longer be contained and fall onto your chest. When the waves of pleasure finally recede, Ben eases the pressure off of his forearm, removes his hand from your clit and rolls the two of you so you’re laying side by side. He's careful not to remove himself from you even though he knows anatomically he won’t be able to stay there much longer.

The two of you don’t say anything for a while. The only sound in your quarters is the sound of the two of you breathing in tandem. Your eyes are closed and you’re suddenly exhausted. Ben tips your chin up and presses his lips against yours.

“I love you too.”

When you open your eyes he’s staring at you lovingly. His damp hair is curling at the ends and sticking to his forehead which is shiny with sweat. With a smile on your face, you reach up and brush the hair away and push it behind one of the ears he tries so hard to hide.

"I know."

He does the same to you only his hand lingers on the small braid still woven in your hair. The sight of it causes a new wave of affection to flow from him which tells you what you need to know.

“You braided my hair didn’t you?” 

His eyes go from yours down to the braid quickly and his cheeks turn red. He gives you a small nod before he starts to undo it.

“Wait! I like it! Don't undo it!” 

Frowning, you try to pull away from him to get your hair out of his grasp but he pulls you closer to him with the arm you happen to be laying on until you're pressed even closer to him.

“In Alderaan, undoing someone’s braid is a sign of deep affection,” he whispers against your lips. “My mother taught me the different ways to braid hair when I was little. She used to ask me to undo them for her at the end of the day, when my father wasn’t around.”

“Oh,” you stop fidgeting and let him play with your hair.

“There are different styles? Do they mean anything? Like do they-”

He quickly presses his lips against yours and the slight movement causes him to slip out of you. Both of you groan with unhappiness. You’d be happy letting him stay there forever and you’re positive he feels the same.

You pull away from his lips and cover your mouth with one of your hands as you yawn.

“Go to sleep sweetheart,” Ben says as he presses his forehead to yours.

“Mmmkay,” you mumble sleepily and bury your head into his neck while your head rests on his arm. You're asleep within seconds. 

Ben however, doesn’t succumb to sleep quite as quickly. His mind is still reeling from not just the events of the day but from what just transpired between the two of you. He has never been so happy in his entire life and it frightens him. Things never work out well for him and the few times they did, it didn’t last long. 

After a couple of hours of unsuccessful attempts at sleep, Ben slowly reaches over you and grabs his data pad from the small table next to the bed. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the conversations he is about to initiate.

* * *

Ben: Dameron, respond to this when it’s convenient. There is something I’d like to discuss with you. 

(2.5 seconds later)

Best Buddy: Well what a pleasant surprise!

Ben: Why are you still awake? The sun will be up within a couple of hours.

Best Buddy: I know you guys were ‘busy’ but there’s no way you guys didn’t hear the party going on outside. It just ended and I wasn’t going to pass that up to sleep. I should say the same for you. I thought for sure she would have tired you out.

Ben: I am not responding to that.

Best Buddy: Hey you’re the one that messaged me.

Ben: Yes but it wasn’t to discuss my sex life.

Best Buddy: You guys had sex! CONGRATS DUDE!

Ben: We’re done having this conversation. Please forget I messaged you to begin with.

Best Buddy: No can do buddy. So, what would you like to discuss?

Ben: I...I need your help with something.

Best Buddy: I think there’s something wrong with my data pad. It looks like the last message you sent said you need my help. Can you please resend it?

Ben: Damn it Dameron forget it.

Best Buddy: Wait wait wait. I’m sorry. So what do you need help with?

Ben: Does my mother still wake up before the sun even rises?

Best Buddy: Did you really message me to ask when Leia wakes up?”

Ben: Bye.

Best Buddy: Geez. Lighten up a bit pal. For someone that just got laid you’re wound awfully tight. To answer your question, yes. I don’t think that woman ever sleeps.

Ben: Good. At sun up meet me in her office. I need to talk to you.

Best Buddy: About what?

Ben: You’ll see.

* * *

After texting Poe, and regretting it immensely, Ben managed to fall asleep but not for long. The sun starts to peek through the window of your room, letting him know it’s time to set his plan in motion. Regrettably, he slowly removes his arm out from under you, sits up, and pulls the blanket over you until you’re covered from your shoulders down. 

Before leaving the bed, Ben leans over and kisses you gently on the forehead. After dressing as quietly as he can, he does his best to tame his hair which is sticking out in multiple directions. He picks up your data pad and leaves a message on it then places it on his pillow so it will be the first thing you see when you open your eyes.

Glancing at you once more, Ben quietly leaves your room and makes his way to his mother's office.

* * *

You wake up a bit cold which indicates Ben is no longer lying next to you. When you open your eyes, his side of the bed is empty but your data pad is resting on his pillow. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you lean over and pick it up to read the note he left you.

_“Good morning sweetheart. I need to speak to my mother and I didn’t want to wake you up. As soon as I’m done I’ll find you. I always do. I love you.  
_ _  
-Ben” _

Weird. You thought for sure you would have woken up to him clinging on to your body for dear life. If he left before you woke up it must be over something important. Even if it isn’t, you’re happy Ben’s willingly spending time with Leia. You thought for sure you were going to have to threaten him to spend time with his family.

When you get out of bed, you’re pleasantly sore and a little bit sticky in places that aren’t normally sticky. You have plenty of time on your hands and decide to take a long hot shower to hopefully relieve some of the tenderness you’re feeling. When you start to wash your hair you notice there’s another braid, similar to the one before. Ben must have braided your hair in your sleep again. Picturing his huge hands trying to intricately braid your hair without waking you up makes you smile. 

After you’re clean and dressed you head towards the mess hall to grab something to eat. It’s still fairly early and you hope they still have breakfast. When you step outside, BB-9 finds you and stays by your side.

“Hey have you seen Poe or Ben?” You remove the hair tie from your wrist, tip your head forward to gather all of your hair in your hands, and twist it up into a messy bun on top of your head. The intricate braid that runs alongside your face easily ties up with your hair but is still very visible.

“Oh they’re both with Leia...that's not suspicious at all,” you reply to the small droid after he answers your question.

On your way to the base's makeshift cafeteria you notice several older men and women tip their heads towards you. You gave them a hesitant smile and a small wave to be polite but you have no idea why they were doing it. 

Ben has the bond blocked but not securely. Should you really need him you could reach out but judging by the way he had his guard up, something private is happening. 

You open the door to the mess hall and are surprised to see it empty except for Han, Chewie, and Finn. You smile at them and take one step into the building before Poe calls out your name and barrels towards you.

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Did you look in my room? Because that’s where I was...”

“Well..no I didn’t. It doesn’t matter! I need you to come with me to Batuu.”

“Why the hell do you have to go back to Batuu?” You look further into the building where the smell of caf is emanating from. When your eyes land on Han he smirks at you sympathetically. 

“We got a call from someone, they asked us to meet them at Oga’s. I guess they’ve got information on the First Order that could help us. They’re afraid of being found so we have a very short window of time before they leave and we miss out on the intel.”

You narrow your eyes at him suspiciously. There’s something he’s not telling you, that or his plans are getting more reckless with each passing day.

“So let me get this straight. A stranger contacted the Resistance and said they had some good info but they’d only spill if we went to them?”

“Exactly! Let’s go,” Poe grabs your arm and starts to turn you towards the hangar but you plant your feet and tightly hold on to the door.

“Wait a damn minute! First of all, that sounds like a trap. It SCREAMS trap Poe. You realize that right? How do you even know the source is credible?”

“They used a secure line that no one has access to unless they’re in the Resistance or know someone that is.”

“How do you expect us to get around without being seen?”

“Your cowl has a hood,” he says as he grabs your hood and pulls it roughly over your still damp hair.

“Fine.”

You stare him down, debating whether or not it’s possible he was being honest. 

“Let me grab something to eat first then we can go get Ben and-”

“Ben’s not coming. It’s just you and me princess.”

Now the red flags are waving in front of you. Impromptu urgent mission without Ben. He literally hasn’t let you out of his sight since the Supremacy. It’s extremely hard to believe he’d be perfectly fine with you just hopping in a ship with Poe and flying to an outlaw planet without him.

“Okay cut the shit. There’s no way Ben would opt to stay here. What the hell is going on?”

“He’s doing some sort of training with Luke right now. Leia said because things are ‘delicate’ between them that they shouldn’t be disturbed.”

Technically that could be the truth. If Leia is working as a mediator it's possible she talked Ben into training with Luke. Maybe them being alone would help heal some old wounds. But Ben not reaching out to you at all since you woke up and now this...it’s suspicious.

“So Leia knows we’re leaving and is cool with it. Ben is training with Luke and has me shut out. Which I’m going to assume means he has no idea we’re leaving and won’t know until he stops whatever he’s doing with Luke. He will then proceed to freak out when he realizes where we are and what we’re doing.”

“...Yes?” Poe grimaces when he responds realizing how bad the plan sounds once said out loud.

“If I go and Ben freaks out, you’re dealing with him and this time you won’t be armed.”

“Deal. Let’s go,” Poe tries to tug your arm again but you remain in place.

“Will you stop that! I’m not done negotiating!”

“Negotiating?” Poe cocks an eyebrow questionably.

“Yes. The only way I’ll go with you is if you tell me why the hell you’re hell bent on annoying me to death by having everyone around here call me princess?”

“Done and done!” he chuckles which makes those same red flags wave dramatically in your head.

“Ugh fine,” you finally take a step into the cafeteria when Poe starts to pull you back out.

“God damn it Poe I just want caf and food! Stop manhandling me!”

“We don’t have time. You have your blaster and your lightsaber?” Poe asks but doesn’t bother giving you time to answer. Instead he quickly scans you up and down to make sure you have everything you need. “Good you’re all set. Let’s go.”

“UGH! What ship are we taking! There’s no room for me in your X-Wing!”

“We’re taking the Falcon. Now come on!”

“There is no way in hell Han is letting YOU take the Falcon.”

“He’s not letting me, he’s letting you. I’m only allowed to co-pilot.”

Your head turns to look back inside the cafeteria where Han is sitting sheepishly in the corner. Chewie and Finn are avoiding eye contact with you.

“Have fun kid,” Han waves and smiles.

“Oh god damn it,” you huff and finally let Poe pull you away and drag you towards the Falcon.

* * *

Once the Falcon leaves the planets atmosphere, you try to reach out to Ben again but you don’t have any luck. Technically, you leaving isn’t an urgent matter. You’re with Poe and everyone knows where you’re going and why you’re going there. Barging your way into his mind just to give him a heads up doesn’t seem right. Instead, you opt for light knocks on his barrier to let him know you’re lingering to get his attention. 

The whole situation is weird and something is happening you aren’t aware of. After the night you had, it was hard for you to believe Ben would leave you before you woke up just to go hang out with his uncle, the man he’s wanted to kill for the last five years.

Once setting the coordinates to Batuu, you and Poe stay seated in the cockpit. The moment you set the Falcon to autopilot Poe is up, out of his seat, and back a few minutes later with a hot mug of caf and a bowl of fruit. You eye him suspiciously again. You seem to be doing a lot of that.

“Why are you being so nice to me right now?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘being nice to you’, it’s more like...I know how you get without food and coffee in the morning and I don’t want you to be mad at me because you’re scary when you’re mad.”

“Hmmpf.”

You set the bowl of fruit in your lap and take the mug after giving Poe a small ‘thank you.’

Thankfully, the trip to Batuu is going to be a short one. It should take less than an hour to get there via hyper-speed.

“So are you going to tell me why your goal in life is to annoy me by having everyone call me princess orrrrr...”

The look on Poe’s face is extremely mischievous and it makes you nervous.

“I don’t like that look on your face. What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything thank you very much. I’m just happy I get to be the one to rat out Solo.”

“Rat him out? What do you mean?” you ask while narrowing your eyes at him over your mug.

“When did you notice people started calling you princess and acting weird?”

“Um. The minute we got to the Resistance base.”

“Okay. I was on the ship with you so how would I have had time to tell everyone to call you princess?”

Damn. He has a good point. You hadn’t thought of that and the look on his face proves he knows that.

“Explain.” 

“When did Ben braid your hair?”

“Oh uh while I was in my little coma. I woke up with it. He took it out last night and I guess braided it again before I woke up."

“Do you think it's some sort of fetish? Sleep braiding?” the completely serious look on his face when he asks that, almost makes you choke on your caf. 

“You’re deflecting. Spit it out,” you say while chuckling.

“Fine, you’re no fun,” Poe sighs.

“Hair was a big deal in Alderaan. There were-”

“Different braids for different things. Ben told me this already,” you cut him off impatiently.

“Oh, okay so then he told you that the braid he’s been braiding in your hair signifies you being the future princess because you guys are engaged and he’s the prince of Alderaan?”

This time you really do choke on your caf. After hacking until your eyes water, you wipe your mouth and your eyes on your sleeve before looking at Poe.

“Um what,” you ask confused.

“You heard me. That’s why everyone’s been calling you princess and that's why the elderly are treating you differently. Ben braiding your hair that way basically told everyone that’s familiar with Alderaanian customs that you’re engaged.”

“So I’m engaged without my knowledge basically?” you ask, a bit peeved.

“Basically,” Poe shrugs.

“Well that’s...fine,” you say while frowning. 

“Really? I thought for sure you’d lose your shit,” Poe says with a hint of disappointment.

“I mean...by being a sneaky asshole about it I kinda feel like I’m in an arranged marriage I didn’t consent to. But we’re literally soul mates. It’s not like I was planning on marrying anyone else. Honestly, I hadn’t even really thought about marriage. We’re two halves of a whole so I figured it would just go without being said that we’re going to be together forever. But I guess marriage is the logical next step. And stop sounding disappointed that I’m not angry!”

* * *

The two of you converse back and forth over the events of the past week until the Falcon alerts you to your impending arrival on Batuu. Poe asks if he can fly the Falcon since Han and Chewie refuse to let him. You agree under the condition no one ever finds out. You’d hate to lose your co-piloting privileges just so Poe can have his ego stroked a bit.

He lands the Falcon a lot closer to the cantina than you’re comfortable with but without a speeder the walk would take up most of the day. Biting your tongue, you lower the ramp and the two of you leave the Falcon while scanning the area. When the First Order doesn’t ascend on you, you take that as a fairly good sign. 

Before walking further from the ship you both pull your hoods over your heads and glance at one another to make sure you aren’t completely recognizable. Once you’re both satisfied you nod at one another and head towards Oga's.

The cantina is fairly busy when you arrive. Not busy enough that you’re worried about getting ganged up on and turned over to the First Order. Busy enough that the two of you can blend in, sneak to a back table, and wait for Poe’s contact to arrive.

After a couple of minutes without anyone noticing you, Poe quietly gets up and approaches the bar. He leans in and says something to the bartender who smiles and nods. He hands the bartender a decent amount of credits, takes the two drinks he pours him, and walks back to your table.

“What was that about?”

“That’s Marx. We go way back...kinda. I trust him enough not to rat us out. If he thinks anyone recognizes us or if he thinks something might go down he’s going to signal me so we have time to get the hell out of here.”

When you glance up, Marx is staring back at you with a smile, tips his chin to you politely, and moves on to help a different bar patron.

“Here,” Poe says as he slides you a familiar looking drink. 

“What’s that?” You ask curiously as you lift the drink to your mouth. After sniffing it you realize it’s coreillian whiskey. “Yesssss!” You tip the glass back and swallow it down in three swallows as if it were a large shot and not a decently sized glass.

Poe is staring at you in disbelief when you set down the empty glass and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.

“What?” you snap at him self consciously.

“I’ve never seen someone handle their alcohol as well as you do. Especially that strong shit you like so much.”

“I like knowing drinking is just another thing I’m better at than you,” you smile smugly. He frowns at you and opens his mouth to say something when you hear the familiar and unfortunate sound of voices distorted through a helmet. 

You both straighten up and pull your hoods down further over your faces. The only exit is now being blocked by three stormtroopers who are entering the cantina. Poe glances towards Marx who very slightly gestures behind the bar. He looks at you then back towards Marx, silently letting you know the two of you need to get behind the bar. You nod once before grabbing Poe’s drink and chugging it just to see the expression on his face. 

Unsurprisingly, Poe’s drink was pure sugar with a hint of alcohol. 

Marx walks to the far end of the bar, leans over, and whispers something into the ear of one of the bar patrons. They exchange a somewhat unsettling look before the man sitting at the bar stands, walks towards one of the larger, scarier looking customers, and punches him so hard in the face he falls backwards out of his chair.

Chaos ensues. Fists are flying and so are...tentacles and other alien appendages. Tables are flipped over. Glass is shattering. It’s definitely your cue to leave.

Poe flips the table when the first blaster shot echoes throughout the cantina and the two of you hide behind it when you notice two of the troopers looking in your direction. You peek over the table and when you see the coast is clear you roll from behind it to behind the bar. Poe does the same.

“Is it safe to assume this whole thing was a trap like you insisted it wasn’t?”

“He could still show up,” Poe says as he peeks over the bar. You grab him by the shirt and yank him down hard as a blast narrowly misses his face. You glare at him before letting go of his shirt and removing your lightsaber from your belt. 

“You’re so lucky Ben has our bond closed right now,” you say through gritted teeth. The stormtroopers are getting closer to the bar. 

“Hey! This isn’t my fault how was I supposed to-” 

Your hand shoots passed his face and you Force shove the trooper rounding the bar across the room and into a table. The sound, of course, gets the attention of the other troopers.

“We found the fugitives. Block off all exits,” one of the troopers says into his com unit.

“Time to go princess,” Poe grabs his blaster from his belt, stands, and starts blasting over the bar. Marx, who is crouched not too far away from you, crawls over to a cabinet underneath the back wall and pulls the small handle twice in a row. The cabinet door swings open to reveal a small crawl space.

“You should be able to sneak out if you hurry! The door this leads to is nearly impossible to see from the outside.” Marx says. A blast directly above you shatters most of the liquor bottles shelved above the bar. Glass and liquor rains down on both of you but you stop the glass using the Force before it can fall on Marx. His eyes widen with disbelief as you’re both showered with alcohol. 

“Come on idiot!” you yell at Poe over your shoulder. 

“Do you have a weapon?” you ask Marx. He blinks at you multiple times as if he didn’t hear you.

“Hey! Pay attention!” you yell and snap your fingers in front of his face to get his attention.

“Uh...what?”

“I ASKED IF YOU HAVE A WEAPON!!” you yell angrily as the very small amount of patience you still have starts to dissipate.

“Oh...Yeah it's right over there.”

“It’s probably a good time to get it don’t you think!” You shove him, politely, towards his weapon. Crawling on your knees through broken glass, you roughly grab Poe by the back of the shirt and yank him backwards. Without saying a word you start dragging him through the secret door. 

“Thanks Marx!” 

As soon as Poe’s feet clear the threshold, Marx closes the door behind you. You let go of Poe and painfully crawl through a small vent like tunnel until you reach a storage room barely big enough for the two of you to stand up in. 

“You’re bleeding and you smell like you drank your way out of the bar,” Poe says once he notices your wet hair clinging to your face and your pants torn at your bleeding knees.

“Yeah no shit! That’s what happens when you have to crawl through broken glass to get your ass to pay attention!!” you snap at him. 

Both of you run your hands along the walls until you find an indent. Poe presses on it lightly and the wall slides to the right. Bright sunlight streams in and the two of you have to blink a couple of times before your eyes adjust to the brightness.

In the distance two First Order transport ships are descending, ready to unload groups of stormtroopers, just like last time you were on Batuu.

When you sigh, Poe glances at you out of the corner of his eye. “You’re not reaching out to Ben, are you? Because you shouldn’t do that.”

“No, I don’t feel like dealing with the two of you right now. This whole thing,” you gesture wildly around you, “is awfully familiar though and all we’re missing is him.”

The two of you are pressed against the sidewall and watch as troopers run past you. Not too far from where you’re standing, there are two speeders parked side by side. Right as your eyes land on them their owners lumber toward them.

“Time to test your Jedi skills,” you say to Poe before grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the wall.

“My what?” he asks confused until he sees where you’re dragging him. “Are you talking about the whole mind thingy because I can barely make some rocks float. I tried last night during that party. You should have seen the look on-”

“Not the time Poe!” you loudly whisper through gritted teeth as you approach the two men about to climb onto their speeders. You shove him roughly towards the man on the right as you approach the very large man on the left.

“Hey you!” 

The man in front of you turns around and looks down at you then smiles like a creep after looking you up and down. 

“Hey beautiful, how can I-”

“You will give me this speeder and tell no one you saw us,” you say as you wave your hand in front of the his face.

“I will give you this speeder and tell no one I saw you.”

At the same time Poe approaches the man on the right.

“Uh hey man!” 

“What the hell do you want pretty boy?”

“Pretty b-” Poe pauses, takes a deep breath, looks the man in the eyes, and focuses on what he wants to happen.

“You will let me have your speeder and run that way,” Poe says as he points over his shoulder without breaking eye contact.

The man blinks a few times before opening his mouth. “Get out of here,” he growls and shoves Poe backward hard.

“God damn it Poe!” you yell from your newly accosted speeder. 

“Give him the speeder and get the hell out of here!” you yell at the large man now walking towards you.

“Piss off,” the man says when he’s within arm's reach.

Sighing, you remove your blaster from your holster and then shoot him in the kneecap. The man yells and falls to the ground.

“I’m not in a good mood asshole! You deserved that. Poe get your ass on the speeder!” 

Your angry yells catch the attention of a couple of troopers who immediately start shooting at you. 

You start the speeder without bothering to turn towards Poe and speed towards the Falcon. The sound of Poe’s speeder behind you grows louder once he catches up. You’re a fair distance away from the troopers on the ground and their blasts can no longer reach you. You start to slow down so Poe can pull up next to you. Not bothering to say anything, you turn your head and glare at Poe so intensely he considers turning himself into the First Order, just to avoid your wrath.

“So princess I-”

Before Poe can plead his case or kiss your ass, you hear multiple speeders approaching you from behind.

“We can’t go straight to the Falcon. We have to circle back otherwise they’ll follow us."

The two of you make a wide circle somewhat close to where the Falcon is hidden. A sound overhead catches your attention as a stormtrooper with a jetpack is launched in the air off of the back of a speeder and flies in your direction.

"They fly now!?” 

“They fly now!” Poe yells. He’s aiming his blaster at the flying stormtrooper just as the trooper sends a blast his way. You don’t see it in time to stop it but Poe does. On instinct, he raises his hand and to his surprise and yours, he stops the blast before it can reach him and reverses it. The trooper is hit in the chest and loses control of his jetpack. While yelling, he flies in a circle multiple times before crashing into the ground and exploding.

“DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID!?” Poe yells excitedly. 

“Yes I did!” you laugh as you duck to avoid a blast. 

“We should split up,” Poe yells as he angles his body to the right and fires his blaster at the stormtrooper quickly approaching you. “They’ll have to split up and it will be harder for them to corner us both.”

“Fine. Be careful asshole!” You yell as you aim your blaster behind you without turning your head. You pull the trigger and hear the sound of one speeder crashing into another. 

“You too princess!” 

You go right and Poe goes left. 

It doesn’t take long for several troopers to be hot on your trail, just like the last time you were on Batuu. This time though, they’re more prepared to handle you and Poe because you’re on the verge of being surrounded and outnumbered. You think about reaching out to Ben but doing so wouldn’t do anything but freak him out. It’s not like he can get to you in time. When Leia doesn’t hear from you guys she’ll know what happened and they can go from there.

The sound of a speeder is slowly gaining on you as two start to box you in at the sides. Before you can react someone lands on the speeder behind you, ignites a loud crackling lightsaber, and quickly dispatches the trooper on your left and your right.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this sweetheart,” Ben says into your ear before kissing you on the cheek.

“Ben? What the hell are you doing here?” You yell over your shoulder. You bank the speeder to the left as you circle back once more before heading back to the Falcon. There’s no reason Ben should be on Batuu. He would have had to have left when you did. Why would he block you out, not say a word to you, then fly to Batuu knowing you and Poe were also headed here. 

“Wait a damn minute!” You slam on the breaks so hard Ben crashes into your back hard enough to knock the air out of him.

“Why did you stop? We need to get back to the-”

“To the what? The Falcon? How did you know we were here and why did you leave before I woke up and then block me out. What the hell is going on Ben?” You turn yourself completely around until your back is to the speeders handlebars and you’re face to face with him.

“I-” Ben pauses when the two of you hear a speeder approach.

“God damn it!” 

You’re about to turn around but Ben leans into your chest, reaches around you, and accelerates towards the Falcon. “You have a lot of explaining to do Ben Solo!” 

Grabbing his blaster from his belt, you peek around his waist and start shooting as soon as the lone trooper headed towards you is close enough to. Ben’s anxiety is skyrocketing and his heart is rabbiting in his chest. He’s never this anxious during a fight so you’re not sure why he’s nervous now. 

After a few quiet minutes, it’s clear you’re not being followed, at least not at the moment. It’s safe to head directly towards the Falcon instead of circling around it. Instead of doing so though, Ben banks right and stops in between a cluster of trees. 

“What...Why are you stopping? We need to get back to the Falcon while no one is chasing us!”

Ben leans back until he can look into your eyes. He takes your face in his hands and kisses you. Even though you know it’s definitely a bad time for a make out session, you can’t help but lean into it momentarily but you come to your senses quickly.

“Now is not the time for this! Let’s get back to the Falcon and then we can continue this,” you say as you pull away from him reluctantly. He shows no signs of moving.

“What the hell is going on Ben? Now I’m kind of worried. You’re about to have a panic attack and honestly, this isn’t even the worst situation we’ve been in.”

Without saying a word, Ben releases your face and sticks one trembling hand into his pocket before pulling out a very old and expensive-looking ring. Now you understand why he’s so nervous.

“Ben,” you whisper as your eyes widen and look between him and the ring he’s holding between his fingers.

“Sweetheart…”

The sound of speeders is getting louder and you know they’re going to find you guys soon but you can’t bring yourself to tell him to hurry his ass up. He’s struggling to say what he wants to say and he really is freaking out.

“This spot right here is where I first laid eyes on you. I think I loved you even before that though. When I was younger, there were times I really struggled with the darkness inside me. Even though I didn’t know it was you, you were there with me. I knew _someone_ was with me but I didn’t know who or how. Once I was with Snoke I thought maybe it was him, finding a way to screw with me but it wasn’t. It was you. I couldn’t see you but I’d feel you...sometimes I think I could hear you. When I was little and levitating rocks I heard someone say I wasn’t alone. Just like you said to me when you took care of me that first night. You were there when Voe was attacking me on the cliff. It was you that warned me about the lightsaber. When I defeated Ren and when I bled my crystal, you were there with me. I think, even though I went down the wrong path for a while, I think if you hadn’t been with me in those moments I...you were the light that refused to die. You were the light I couldn’t snuff out, no matter how hard I tried. It was always you in the background waiting for me to figuratively and literally see the light.”

Tears are welling up in your eyes at his confession. You don’t even care about the sounds of speeders growing louder by the second.

“You’re my soulmate. You complete me in more ways than one. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t think...I don’t think I...What I’m trying to say-”

You grab him by the shirt and pull him to the side as a blast flies by his head. Using the Force you launch the trooper that shot it into the air against a tree.

“What I’m trying to ask is-” Instead of releasing his shirt, you pull him close to you and press your lips against his for a couple of seconds before pushing him away.

“Yes.”

“Yes?” he asks with disbelief. You hold out your left hand and wiggle your fingers, hoping he’ll hurry up and put the ring on your finger before one of you gets shot.

With trembling hands he takes your hand in his and slips the ring on your ring finger. It’s beautiful and looks like it’s worth more than you can even imagine.

“You...you really mean it?” 

“Ben. We literally share a soul. Did you seriously think I’d say no?”

“No but I thought maybe you’d tell me it’s too soon.”

“We’re not getting married tomorrow but you’ve already announced that I’m your intended Alderaanian style. Why not make it official?”

The color drains from his face when he realizes he’s been caught. “Yeah, you have some explaining to do buddy. Let’s go.”

You turn around in your seat and steer the speeder out of the trees toward the Falcon. 

“Where did you get this ring?”

“From my mother, it was my grandmothers. That’s why I had you blocked out. I had to talk to her about it and I didn’t want you to overhear.”

You bank right and steer towards the trees once more to use them as coverage until the Falcon comes into view. Anxiously, you look around for Poe but don’t see him or his speeder.

“He’s fine sweetheart he left already.”

“What do you mean he left?”

“He took the X-Wing I flew here.”

“Wait how did he know-” 

You bring the speeder to a stop right outside of the Falcon abruptly. After hopping off of it you start to lower the Falcon’s ramp but turn and glare at Ben, blocking his entrance.

“We should probably hurry…”

“How did Poe know where you left the X-Wing Ben?”

“What? He-”

“How did you know we were coming to Batuu?”

“I-”

“How did you get here so fast?”

“Well I-” he was trying extremely hard to avoid eye contact with you and even started to wring his hands together.

“Ben Solo. Look at me.”

He sheepishly lifts his eyes and stares back at you.

“Did you plan this whole thing with Poe? If you lie to me I will know.”

“I would never lie to you I-”

“Ben, answer the damn question,” you say through gritted teeth.

“Maybe we can talk about this when we’re not being shot at?” he asks as blasts start coming towards you and the Falcon.

“WHEN ARE WE NOT BEING SHOT AT?!”

Once the ramp is lifted, the two of you run to the cockpit and start the Falcon.

The two of you stay quiet as the Falcon lifts into the air and breaks through the planet's atmosphere. Once in space, Ben assumed you would question him again or yell at him some more but you stay quiet and that’s scarier than if you yelled.

“Are you angry? You haven’t said a word since we got to the Falcon.”

“Nope. Completely fine.”

“I...I don’t think you are…”

“Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like my best friend and my now ‘fiance’ lied to me to get me on a planet I was hoping to avoid for a while. It’s not like my knees are cut up and bleeding from crawling through broken glass behind a bar to avoid blaster fire. It’s not like today was the first day in weeks that I had planned to do absolutely nothing but got roped into a bullshit mission. Why would I not be okay?”

Ben swallowed thickly, knowing he was on extremely dangerously thin ice.

“We didn’t think the First Order would show up when we planned this. I thought I’d take you back to where we first met and-”

“I don’t know if you’re forgetting but we first met at the Jedi temple.”

“Yeah well I didn’t think it would be romantic to take you back to the place we nearly killed each other.”

Ben and Poe had tried to arrange this very horrible poorly thought out plan in an attempt to make his proposal a romantic one. If your knees weren’t in pain and if you didn’t have shards of glass embedded in them, you may think the whole thing was adorable.

You lean over and pull his face near yours and kiss him softly at first. When his hand starts to roam from your shoulder to your chest you cover it with yours and pull away from his mouth slightly. Your lips hover over his as you press your forehead against his.

“Do you like touching me Ben?” you whisper.

“Yes, more than anything,” he whispers back, practically panting already.

“That sucks. Because this will be the last time you get to for a while,” you smile, kiss him on the lips and jump to your feet, leaving the cockpit.

“Wh-h-at? Wait what?”

“You heard me. Until my knees are healed you and your hand are going to be very well acquainted.”

“But...But we’re alone...and you agreed to marry me I thought we could-”

“You thought wrong.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I've gotten an amazing response to this, one that I wasn't expecting, I've been thinking about other Reader stories.
> 
> I have a one shot almost done and started the first chapter of another longer fic. FYI.
> 
> PS. I actually wrote the smut by myself this chapter so if it's not everything you hoped it would be and more, apologies.
> 
> I feel bad not putting more smut in this story but tbh I couldn't really find a good spot for it until now.
> 
> Also. I don't have a beta reader and I only proofread this once because it's almost 2 am so if there's some issues close your eyes and pretend like you didn't see anything.
> 
> Also. Epilogue is written and should be up tomorrow.


	19. Like a Sword / Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben will once again be the death of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end. . . for now

* * *

_  
I think that’s what love is:  
_ _It is always sharpening itself against your ribs like a sword.  
_ _You’re prepared to defend your heart with another to fight through hell together._

_A.a.m.l  
  
_

* * *

  
  


“You think this is funny, Solo?” Ben’s head snaps to the right after the man's fist connected with his lower jaw, which Ben was pretty sure is now dislocated.

He turns his head back to his captor. “As a matter of fact, I think it’s kriffing hilarious,” Ben says with a smile. Again, Ben’s head snaps to the right after the man's fist, once again, connects with the side of Ben’s face. This time the impact forces his teeth to dig into his lower lip and bust it open. After blood seeps into his mouth, he turns back to the man in front of him and spits it at his feet on the ground.

“You’re tied up in a kriffing cell without access to your precious laser sword or that weird magic shit you do with ‘the Force’ or whatever the kriff it’s called."

“First of all, it's called a lightsaber. Calling it a laser sword just makes it sound likes a kids toy." That remark earns him a punch to the right side of his jaw.

"You can act as tough as you want, but we both know you’re scared shitless. You know there’s no way you’re getting out of this alive.” Punch to the cheekbone this time, definitely breaking it or fracturing it. 

"Oh no, I’m definitely screwed right now. I’m not scared of you or whatever it is you plan to do to me, though. I’m going to have to deal with someone way more terrifying than you.”

“Oh really? Who could scare the infamous Ben Solo?” The man sneers and leans in closer to Ben, trying to intimidate him.

“You’ve obviously never met my wife, but you will soon. She’s terrifying when she’s pissed off, and nothing, and I do mean _nothing_ pisses her off more than when someone screws with me. You, my friend, have about...five minutes, give or take, to let me go. Trust me when I say, I am a lot easier to deal with than she is.” Ben smiles wickedly at the man who, for a moment, seems to believe Ben’s words.

“You’re full of shit Solo. I’m not afraid of the little girl you seem so attached to. If my intel is accurate, she’s not-” 

Blaster fire echoes from somewhere nearby before the man has a chance to finish his sentence. His eyes widen before darting from the cell door then back to Ben. The smile on Ben's face would have definitely earned him another punch if the man wasn’t genuinely starting to regret not believing Ben.

“I’d run if I were-” 

The cell door swings open, and a rather large man with a terrified expression on his face takes a step into the cell. Not a moment later, a magenta glowing blade appears out of the front of his chest. Just as quickly as it appears, it disappears when the lightsaber is removed from his back. 

“Well, you’re screwed now,” Ben laughs and leans back in the chair he's bound to.

Ben’s captor jumps out of the way as his former colleague's body starts to fall towards him. He grabs his blaster and positions himself behind the chair Ben is chained to, placing the tip of the blaster to his temple. You're standing where the man once stood with your lightsaber still ignited at your side.

Ben sighs. “Really? You’re really going to do this?” he says to the man trembling behind him.

Without hesitation, you enter the large cell, lightsaber still ignited, and narrow your eyes at Ben. As expected, the infuriating man was smiling from ear to ear, even with a blaster firmly pushed against the side of his head. 

“Are you kidding me?” you yell at Ben.

The man behind Ben jumps slightly, startled at your unexpected outburst. The moment you enter the cell, you feel the Force leave you. If you hadn’t blocked yourself off from it for so many years after the incident at the temple, the sensation would have startled you. It's unpleasant but not something you can’t workaround. 

In each corner of the cell are small four-eyed lizard creatures in small metal cages. You've never seen Ysalamiri in person before but based on what you’ve read, you know they're definitely the reason you can no longer access the Force. Knowing this made you slightly less irritated with Ben, but only slightly. 

* * *

The Falcon landed effortlessly on Jakku. Ben’s piloting skills only had one rival, Poe, and it was a close call if you were forced to choose between the two. Once the Falcon was secured, the two of you made your way to Niima Outpost, searching for something or someone. You weren’t sure who, but you knew there was a reason you were there. While walking through the outpost, hand in hand with Ben, something interesting catches your attention. 

“Yeah, those men grabbed the young girl that’s always wandering around alone, scavenging the old Empire wreckage for Unkar.”

You gave Ben’s hand a yank and leaned in close to him as if the two of you were talking privately when really you were doing your best to overhear what the older women near the water trough were saying.

“What did they want with her?”

“I dunno. Rumor is they’re bounty hunters that work for the First Order. They capture Force-sensitives and turn them in for a reward.”

“The girl could use the Force?” the older woman asked with shock.

“I’m not sure. I never talked to her. She doesn’t talk to anyone. It’s the only thing I can think of. That or it’s some sort of sex thing. You know, every now and then, those men will come and pick up as many young girls as possible to do god knows what with them.”

Both you and Ben tense at the statement. While picking off First Order members, the two of you had the misfortune of running into a group that did exactly what the older women are discussing. It was a shock when the men attempted to take you, not realizing what you were capable of. 

When Ben figured out what they had planned for you, well, the dark side made its first appearance in a while. You managed to free all the captors, but no one was left to hold accountable, not after Ben was done. 

As soon as you overheard the women mention the girl, you knew that’s why you were drawn to the shithole that is Jakku. Now all you had to do is find her. After a Jedi mind trick or two, the two of you are on a ‘borrowed’ speeder, heading towards a large ship parked on the outskirts of the outpost. 

After watching various men come and go, you both agreed that there are enough men on the ship for the fight to be a bit of a challenge but nothing noteworthy, not compared to what you’ve faced already. Together, you pick off random crew members as you come upon them once you sneak onto the ship. 

When you reach a fork in the corridor, you tug Ben to the left, and he tugs you to the right. He _insists_ things will go faster if you split up, much to your chagrin. Nothing ever went right when the two of you went your separate ways, but of course, Ben’s too confident and arrogant to listen.

A few months passed since arriving on the Resistance base, Ben became a little less clingy. He started to realize you wouldn’t drop dead at any moment, and no one was going to shoot you down while walking from your room to Leia’s office. Since then, he’s been more comfortable leaving your side whenever in situations like the one you’re currently in.

After the two of you had split up, even though you had vehemently protested doing so, the bond between you and Ben was abruptly cut off. The panic and fear that washes over you is palpable. However, the book Maz had given you before you had rescued Ben from Snoke had an interesting excerpt stuck with you.

_“A bond between two living beings is not something easily broken. It is not a choice...it is like breaking a feeling. Like turning away from the Force. To break a bond, your feelings would have to change, or one of you would have to die—but even then, the bond wouldn't go away, it would simply...it would simply be empty, a wound.”_

_―Master Zez-Kai Ell_

Although you were severely unsettled, you didn’t feel broken or like a part of you was missing, just a little empty. The two of you were so used to having each other in your heads or at least having that comforting connection at the back of your mind that when it was gone, you couldn’t help but panic. 

If Ben wasn’t dead, that means he was captured and whoever managed to do so knew well enough about him to ensure they could block the Force. You weren’t sure who you were pissed off at more, your fiance for allowing himself to get captured or his captors. Either way, both were screwed as soon as you found them.

* * *

“S-s-tay back, or I’ll blast him!” the man behind Ben says with a trembling finger hovering over the trigger of his blaster.

“I’m warning you right now because part of me is in a forgiving mood. If you don’t remove the blaster from my fiance’s head within the next five seconds, I will drag you out of this cell and slowly choke the shit out of you using the Force or my hands. I haven’t decided yet.” 

“I thought she was your wife,” the man mumbles to Ben as if you didn’t just threaten his life.

“She is,” Ben says while smirking at you. Instead of responding, you huff and roll your eyes at the infuriating man you had agreed to marry months ago.

To the man's credit, he straightens up slightly, shoots the blaster towards the ceiling, and presses it back to Ben’s temple, causing him to wince due to the heat of the recently fired blast. Whether he believed your threat or not, he was at least attempting to be brave, which is something you can’t say for the few people who either attempted to capture the two of you or succeeded.

“Have it your way then,” you sigh. Before the man has a chance to react, you pull your blaster from where it's resting against your lower back, lift it, and fire at the man. Ben knows you well enough to anticipate the move and quickly jerks his head to his right to ensure the blast doesn’t hit him. You may have grazed the side of his face once or twice with a blast that was just a tiny bit too close to him for comfort.

Feeling a bit generous for some reason you couldn’t fathom, you merely shoot the man in the arm instead of a kill shot. He yells in pain and drops his blaster. Ben sees the opening, spins around in the chair he is chained to, and kicks the man in the chest with both of his feet before falling backward. 

“I hope you have a kriffing concussion,” you say angrily through gritted teeth when Ben winces. 

The asshole has the audacity to chuckle while blinking a few times to shake off the dizziness caused by the back of his skull connecting with the grated steel floor of the ship.

* * *

The Force wanted the two of you to go to Jakku. You had felt the pull before defeating Snoke, but you didn’t have the ability to follow it. After things calmed down at the Resistance base, you and Ben discussed what the two of you should do next. Staying at the base indefinitely wasn’t a viable option. The months you had been stationary had been enough, any longer, and you’d go stir crazy. It was nice knowing you had a place to come back to when you wanted, though. 

Your days had been full of either training with Ben and/or Luke or working closely with the Resistance leaders to devise ways to wipe out what remained of the First Order who was now being led by Supreme Leader Hux. Ben’s knowledge had definitely come in handy, and so far, no one bothered to ask how he knew so much about the First Order. In the first month, the two of you lead various secret missions alongside Poe and Finn, infiltrating various bases they had scattered across the galaxy.

There are still smaller bases you’ve yet to infiltrate, but the main one you were focused on was Starkiller Base. You have important information like blueprints of the weapon they’ve created and knowledge of the base itself. But Hux was definitely expecting you guys to attack the base next, which meant approaching the task in a completely different way than you have the other bases. This meant that in the meantime, Hux was still targeting various planets and systems in his search for you, Ben, and the Resistance. 

Since his new role as Supreme Leader, Hux had doubled the bounty on you, Ben, Poe, and Finn. The price on your heads was astronomical. Almost every time you visited a planet, a fight of some kind ensued. Bounty hunters from all over the galaxy were on alert, hoping you’d cross paths.

Each of you had various spies within the First Order, which usually alerted you to Hux’s next move before it was made, giving you the ability to warn and evacuate the base or the targeted planet when necessary. 

Ben told you what had happened between him and Phasma after one of Snoke’s torture sessions. Although she had told him she had made her choice to follow the First Order, he was holding out hope that when they crossed paths again, he’d be able to change her mind.

* * *

Ben’s captor groaned against the far wall of the cell clutching his arm, equally as dizzy as Ben after colliding with the wall. 

“I should have left you here. I _told you_ splitting up was a bad idea. Did you listen to me? Of course not. Do you ever? No, you don’t. It’s not like I’ve been right every single time shit hits the fan,” you mumble as you walk over to the injured man, rearing your leg back and kicking him hard in the stomach. Ben’s face proves he has taken enough physical punishment so you can’t punch him, even though you really want to. Instead, you decide to take it out on the asshole who nearly killed him.

“I’m just trying to keep things interesting, sweetheart,” he smirks that infuriating smirk you usually want to punch or kiss, depending on your mood. Right now, you’re definitely leaning towards a punch.

“Don’t you dare ‘sweetheart’ me right now, Solo.”

“Oh hell. I’m in deep shit if you’re calling me ‘Solo’,” he smiles while staring up at the ceiling.

The lizards in the corner of the room eerily sit still and watch the events play out in front of them, almost as if they're genuinely entertained by what's going on. Part of you wants to blast them and be done with them to ensure they’re not used against other Force users. The other part of you wants to release them on the ship so that they're no longer captives. It wasn’t their fault they were captured or that they had the ability to block the Force. The latter part won. 

To assure them you mean them no harm, you crouch down slowly before unlatching their cages. One by one, they quickly scurry through the open cell door. When they are a fair distance away from you, your connection to the Force and your bond hit you hard enough to make you and Ben both gasp simultaneously. 

“One of these days, your love for random weird creatures is going to get you killed,” Ben says from the ground where he continues to lay. 

“Hmm. You haven't killed me yet, and you're the weirdest creature I've ever loved."

"Okay, ouch."

"And you’re definitely not in a position to lecture me about anything,” you scoff and turn to leave the cell without bothering to help him out of the chair. 

Using the Force to aid him, Ben manages to break out of his bindings. Once he gets to his feet, he rubs his sore wrists and stares down at the still groaning man. He’s injured, and even if he manages to get up and come after the two of you, there isn’t much he can do. Instead of killing him like a small part of him wants to do, Ben follows you out of the cell and locks it behind him. 

When you stop to peer around the corner of the narrow hallway the ship's cells are in, he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you to pull you close to him. Before he can, you smack his arms away from you. He pulls them back and frowns at your reaction. You quickly turn around to face him with a look that tells him he is on thin ice.

“If you try and touch me again, I will cut off both of your hands,” you say through gritted teeth as you poke him hard in the chest with the finger you are pointing at him with.

His hands fly up in surrender, and he takes a step backward while frowning. You’re angrier than he thought you’d be, which means he's definitely sleeping in the pilot’s seat once you get back to the Falcon.

“Have you seen the girl?” Ben asks from behind you as the two of you quickly walk down the cell block. Ben peeks through the small glass panel on each cell door on the left, and you did the same on the right.

“No, I was too busy saving my irritatingly reckless fiance to look for her. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat attached to him, so his well being takes precedence. Although, I’m starting to reconsider that mindset.”

“You love it when I’m reckless, and you know it,” he chuckles.

You don’t bother arguing because he’s partially right, but only partially. There are only two cells left in the corridor, which meant if the girl isn’t in either, the two of you will have to search the rest of the fairly large ship. That would undoubtedly mean blasting your way through its other occupants if and when they refuse to surrender. As soon as that thought crosses your mind, you find her in the very last cell.

“She’s in here, Ben,” you say with relief. You ignite your lightsaber and cut a hole around the cell door lock and handle. When the large chunk of the door falls to the ground, you deactivate your saber. Ben gently steps around you and pushes the cell door open. 

A very annoyed teenage girl is standing with her back to the wall in a fighting stance, ready to attack whoever enters the cell, which happens to be Ben. There are more Ysalamiri in each corner of the cell, and the moment Ben takes a step into the cell, the Force leaves him. The sensation distracts him enough for the girl to lunge forward, kick him in the stomach, then lunge toward you where you’re standing, just outside the cell. 

Without hesitation, you sidestep her, knock her legs out from under her, ignite your lightsaber, and point it at her throat as you stand over her.

“Relax, we’re getting you out of here. Well...I am...I don’t know about him,” you glance at Ben, who is hunched over and grabbing his stomach in pain. You start laughing almost hysterically at the pained look on his face. When he frowns at you, it only makes you laugh harder, and you momentarily forget you’re holding a teenage girl on the floor with your lightsaber. Deactivating it, you take a step back and hold out your hand for her to take.

She’s slender with light brown hair pinned up into three small buns along the back of her head. Dressed head to toe in white and light grey, it's obvious she’s been on Jakku a while, maybe her entire life.

Once she's standing next to you, you introduce yourself and Ben before asking for her name. She’s eyeing your lightsaber with fascination and completely ignoring what you asked. Instead of clipping the hilt to your belt, you hand it to her, much to her surprise. Her eyes grow wide, and she glances from the lightsaber to you, not believing what she’s seeing.

“What’s your name kid,” Ben says with irritation after releasing the small lizards from the cell.

“Rey,” she mutters while igniting your lightsaber and giving it a few test twirls. 

“Do you have a family name, Rey?” Ben asks before he can stop himself. He forgets how much you hate that question, so the scowl he earns from you comes as no surprise.

“I...no...I don’t...” Rey says sadly as she deactivates the lightsaber and hands it back to you. Ben takes a step away from you, knowing he probably earned himself a slap for making the girl sad.

“It’s okay, I don’t have one either,” you smile at her. The statement seems to cheer her up because she smiles back at you for the first time.

“Yes, you do. It’s Solo,” Ben says as he walks away from the two of you and opens the door that leads out of the cellblock.

“No, I don’t. We aren’t married yet. You can’t just call me your wife because you proposed a couple of months ago. It doesn’t work that way,” you scoff and gesture towards the door so Rey will follow you. 

“Sure it does, sweetheart. I’m a prince, who's going to argue with me?”

He glances at you over his shoulder and smiles. Satisfied after seeing you roll your eyes, he walks through the cellblock doors and takes an immediate right towards the hopefully still lowered ramp. 

“Here,” you hand Rey your blaster and take off the safety. “Have you ever used one of these before?” you whisper to her as you follow close behind Ben. She shakes her head and takes it with shaky hands. “That’s fine. It’s easy. Aim and shoot. It has a bit of a kick to it so prepare for that. The safety’s off, so don’t-”

Rey’s shaky trigger finger accidentally squeezes a bit too hard, and a blast shoots by Ben’s head, barely missing it, and straight through the side of the corridor. Her eyes widen, and she practically throws the blaster at you, but you pull back your hands, so she’s forced to hang on to it.

“He’s not dead. You’re fine. Just be careful.” 

Ben turns around to look at you incredulously as if he can’t believe you’re not upset he was almost blasted for the second time in the last hour.

“Don’t look at me like that! This whole thing is your fault,” you whisper at him angrily. “We need to hurry. I got rid of about half of the people on the ship on my way to you, and I don’t know where everyone else is, but they definitely heard that blast.”

The three of you are slowly getting closer to the exit when Ben makes an unexpected left turn. 

“Where the hell are you going?” 

“They have my lightsaber. I’m not leaving without it,” he says as if that should have been obvious, and you’re stupid for even asking.

“Why are you guys here?” Rey asks as her eyes dart around nervously.

“We came for you, kid,” Ben says over his shoulder.

“Me? Why me?” she asks, surprised by his answer.

“You’re Force-sensitive, aren’t you?” 

“The Force? Like...Jedi’s? Wait. Your name is Solo? Like Han Solo? You’re related to Han Solo?” Rey’s voice slowly starts to get louder with excitement.

“Yeah, he’s my old man,” Ben says as he stops in front of a partially open door. Without bothering to give you any sort of warning, he lifts his leg and kicks the door open the rest of the way. Once the door is fully open, he uses the Force to incapacitate the room's occupants, all except one. 

One of the men is pulled directly towards him and only stops once his neck is in Ben’s waiting hand. Rey gasps and covers her mouth with the hand that isn’t holding the blaster. Based on her reaction, she doesn’t seem shocked or afraid of Ben but more at his use of the Force.

“Remember me, asshole?” Ben sneers. “Where’s my stuff?” When the man's face starts to turn a light shade of blue, Ben loosens his grip just enough for the man to barely inhale a small breath. “I’m going to ask you once more. Trust me when I say you’re not going to like what happens if I have to ask again.” 

The look on his face promises death and/or pain to the man in his grasp if he doesn’t comply with his demands. Maybe you’re a lot more psychologically damaged than you thought because the expression sends a spike of arousal straight to your core. Unfortunately, the bond betrays you, and Ben either feels it or hears the dirty things that momentarily crossed your mind because his head tilts towards you with an absolutely deviant smile on his face. 

_“Really? Now?”_

_“I hate you. Hurry up, or I’m leaving without you.”_

You huff and cross your arms while turning your head away from him, not wanting him to see how red your cheeks definitely are. The man Ben is holding frantically hits Ben on the arm and points to a small table in the corner of the room moments before his eyes roll back in his head and his arms go limp. On top of the table is the blaster his uncle Lando gave him and his crossguard lightsaber.

Ben picks up the hilt of his saber and turns it over in his hands a few times. Although still black, there are no longer wires protruding on the side. The parts Anakin had suggested Ben use to rebuild his saber fit together like a well-made puzzle. The vents are no longer a necessity and are mostly used as a style preference. He glides his thumb along the switch and ignites his lightsaber with a smile. The gentle but steady hum of the white blade that emanates from it is still hard not to gawk at, even after seeing it for over a month. Ben’s still trying to heal his crystal, but he rebuilt his lightsaber using Padme’s crystal because of how long it's taking. 

A bond somewhat formed between you and Anakin’s crystal, which is why you continue to use it. Instead of using his hilt, the crystal is in the Guard Shoto saber you constructed yourself out of the parts he had picked out. Although Ben’s grandparent's story didn’t end well, you both agreed that out of respect for the life they could have had, you were going to keep their crystals together. 

“Okay, now we can go,” Ben smiles and kisses you on the forehead before you have a chance to push him away. 

“So Han Solo is your dad,” Rey says to Ben before addressing you, “and you’re Ben’s wife?”

Ben chuckles and squeezes your hand as he steps in front of you to lead the way out of the ship.

“No, I’m-”

“Yep. That’s right!”

Both of you start to speak at the same time.

There’s no point in arguing with him at this point. Ever since accepting his proposal, he’s been insufferable. 

“So that means...Luke Skywalker...he’s your uncle? He’s supposedly a Jedi Master. Those stories are all true?”

“Yeah, he’s real. He’s Ben’s uncle, and he’s a Jedi Master or used to be. He’s kind of an asshole, to be honest. That’s sort of why we’re here. Whether you’ve realized it or not, you’re Force-sensitive. That’s why these guys kidnapped you. The First Order is paying a pretty penny for Force users. We’re not sure what they’re doing with them, but it’s not good. Luke has been at the Resistance base with us. When we find force-sensitive people, we offer them a place with us, so they can learn how to use the Force. You can come with us if you want, but it’s completely up to you.”

Surprisingly the three of you made it off the ship without further incident. As soon as you’re back in the hot sandy Jakku desert, you make a run for the Falcon, which is hidden on the other side of a tall dune. Ben jogs ahead of you, lowers the ramp, and enters the ship to start the engines.

“Is that...“

“The Millennium Falcon, yeah. Han said we could take it when we told him we were coming to look for you.”

“You came all the way here for me because I’m Force-sensitive?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry to put you on the spot, but you have to make a choice. You can come with Ben and me back to the Resistance base. You’ll have a home, friends, and training if you want it. Or you can stay here. I don’t know what your living situation is like here, so I understand if you want to stay. But you have to choose now because we have to go.”

“I...what if I get there and I don’t like it? What if I want to come back?”

“Then I’ll personally bring you back. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Rey was considering her options carefully. She wanted to come with you guys, whether it was because of the chance to ride in the Falcon or the chance to learn how to use the Force. Something is holding her back, and you don’t know her well enough to pry. You just hope she chooses to come with you. Jakku is not the place for a young adult to live alone.

“Okay, I’ll come,” you smile and gesture for her to hurry up the ramp before you follow behind her and lift it.

“How did you know where I was?” Rey asks as she looks around the Falcon with awe.

“A feeling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this fic (which hopefully you did) you should read Save Me a Spark. Its not as angsty and has some twists throughout. 
> 
> This was my first reader insert fic so I'm not too confident about it but I really like how Save Me A Spark turned out. 
> 
> It isn't technically a sequel to this but Ignite the Stars and I Might Tear You Apart all connect with it. 
> 
> I can't say much without spoiling anything but they are somewhat connected and both will play a part in the sequel to Save Me A Spark which is outlined but not written yet.
> 
> Thank you so much for spending your free time reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter's title is based on a song that relates to it. You can listen to the Spotify playlist here: [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ioZY3yJcgW0rZ9mBH5pPg?si=Um1K6MOGQS6EgdlGQ5hCTg)
> 
> Come talk to me on the bird app here [here](https://twitter.com/sam_ieatboyss)


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